It's true, they grow up. I know that. I know that at some point in the teen years children become more attached to peers than their families. This is normal.
But I sure miss being a priority for Tuba Boy. I want him to have a nice normal life, and he has great friends of whom I pretty much approve. But it hurts to see him separating. Totally my abandonment issue rearing its ugly head, and I know it.
Just acknowledging my feelings. I am really glad he is happy and well adjusted and doing well in school. I was so touched that he got a homecoming mum from a girl, and that he made one for two of his friends, too. That is all so normal and sweet.
But every time Beccano comes in and tells us a story, shares his day at school, or just sits down to hang out with us, I am grateful that I still have a kid who wants to do stuff with us. At least I know what to enjoy, while it lasts.
No doubt the next phase in life will be great, just sometimes transitions can be hard.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The Sun Sets on a Long Band Show Season
Other than three nice, easy football games, the intense band parenting season has wound down. There's a pep rally the kids have to do tomorrow, but no need to chaperone, so we just have to make sure someone gets them there and back. Ahhh.
Last night was an example of working hard while being the kind of parents we want to be. Once again Festival of Bands rolled around, but it was cold. Colder than we thought, and very windy. We were the only band whose parent chaperones sat with them on the visitors' side, so we could barely hear the middle schools and saw the backs of all the high school shows. And we were COLD. Lee and I even skipped the Longhorn Marching Band to go warm up in the bus (no hanky panky occurred! we are good bus stewards!). Still, I know the kids appreciated it, and not just ours. Lee gave a poor sniffly drummer a napkin, and he looked so grateful. Other parents loaned out their blankets. Little comments and big smiles made it clear the kids are glad we are there.
On the way home in the car, Tuba Boy was talking about his two best friends and their parental relationships. He said he didn't understand why one friend didn't just talk to his parents and tell them simple things, like he does. He said the friend told him, "Well, you have reasonable parents, I don't." Tuba Boy made it clear how happy he is to have "reasonable parents." We talked about how our rules don't have to be set in stone as long as he keeps us updated on what he's doing, etc., and he says that's what he tells his friend--let your parents know what's going on and they might not punish you so much. You know, it's hard to say who is more grateful--me to have such reasonable children or them to have reasonable parents.
Both boys agreed that it was much easier on them that none of us are "nutty" like one friend's parents are, to the extent that she tries at all costs to avoid one parent. They seem so glad all their parents and partners act respectful with each other and are vaguely sane. I know what they mean--I was so glad my parents were people I could trust to care about me, but not to overwhelm me with rules and regulations. They did it just right--if I went too far, they'd come down on me, but if I showed them I respected their guidelines, they'd respect me back.
Conversations like this, which only lasted ten minutes or so, really help me. I can think of them when Tuba Boy forgets yet another vital item* or makes it way too clear he'd rather be with the friends than us, or when Beccano bends the truth about school stuff. They are so good hearted, underneath it all.
*Tuba Boy cracked us up before last night's performance: he saw Lee, ran up to him and urgently implored, "Lee, give me your socks!" Apparently, in addition to forgetting his black shoes and shorts to wear under his band outfit, he also forgot socks. Luckily, Lee had worn black socks. So, there they were, in the middle of the band hall, exchanging socks. Good thing Lee's a good sport about this stuff.
Last night was an example of working hard while being the kind of parents we want to be. Once again Festival of Bands rolled around, but it was cold. Colder than we thought, and very windy. We were the only band whose parent chaperones sat with them on the visitors' side, so we could barely hear the middle schools and saw the backs of all the high school shows. And we were COLD. Lee and I even skipped the Longhorn Marching Band to go warm up in the bus (no hanky panky occurred! we are good bus stewards!). Still, I know the kids appreciated it, and not just ours. Lee gave a poor sniffly drummer a napkin, and he looked so grateful. Other parents loaned out their blankets. Little comments and big smiles made it clear the kids are glad we are there.
On the way home in the car, Tuba Boy was talking about his two best friends and their parental relationships. He said he didn't understand why one friend didn't just talk to his parents and tell them simple things, like he does. He said the friend told him, "Well, you have reasonable parents, I don't." Tuba Boy made it clear how happy he is to have "reasonable parents." We talked about how our rules don't have to be set in stone as long as he keeps us updated on what he's doing, etc., and he says that's what he tells his friend--let your parents know what's going on and they might not punish you so much. You know, it's hard to say who is more grateful--me to have such reasonable children or them to have reasonable parents.
Both boys agreed that it was much easier on them that none of us are "nutty" like one friend's parents are, to the extent that she tries at all costs to avoid one parent. They seem so glad all their parents and partners act respectful with each other and are vaguely sane. I know what they mean--I was so glad my parents were people I could trust to care about me, but not to overwhelm me with rules and regulations. They did it just right--if I went too far, they'd come down on me, but if I showed them I respected their guidelines, they'd respect me back.
Conversations like this, which only lasted ten minutes or so, really help me. I can think of them when Tuba Boy forgets yet another vital item* or makes it way too clear he'd rather be with the friends than us, or when Beccano bends the truth about school stuff. They are so good hearted, underneath it all.
*Tuba Boy cracked us up before last night's performance: he saw Lee, ran up to him and urgently implored, "Lee, give me your socks!" Apparently, in addition to forgetting his black shoes and shorts to wear under his band outfit, he also forgot socks. Luckily, Lee had worn black socks. So, there they were, in the middle of the band hall, exchanging socks. Good thing Lee's a good sport about this stuff.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Band, Band...Band..grateful
For another few weeks, this is what much of my life will look like. Me trying to figure out if a marching band is doing well or sucking. I sure can't tell. Unless the color guard drops stuff or someone falls down, they all look pretty darned good to me. Here we have the Capital City Marching Competition at the Berger Center in far South Austin. Tuba boy is second sousaphone from the left, and Beccano is the one at bottom left standing straightest and most soldier-like. Excellent for a lad with poor posture.
Our lads and lassies came in second overall in our class, and Beccano's percussion ensemble also came in second. This was VERY good, considering the competition. It is a good thing that the LBJ High School band was a host, so not in the competition, because their set was so cool. They all take off their hats and wander around marching a while, then magically come back to their hats, which are shiny and purple.
I didn't think we'd all make it to this one, because Beccano got rather overheated during practice at the school. His head hurt and he was nauseated. So, they asked me to drive him in the cool car and let him keep his uniform off until the last minute. That helped, and he did fine. I considered keeping him at home, but his part really sticks out and would be noticed if it wasn't there. Good thing I took him, because he was so incredibly psyched by the experience. Said it was "the most awesome thing ever." I think doing well really made him happy. So, I am glad I took him.
My friend's daughter's band did well, too, so we celebrated as if we had something to do with it other than giving birth to band members on Sunday.
The rest of my weekend was OK, though Lee was so sick with ragweed that he didn't get to enjoy much. I was as helpful as I could be at the yarn shop, and enjoyed talking to new people and seeing my lovely friends, as well. I like it when there are people to talk to there--helps me feel like part of a community, whereas sometimes I feel sorta peripheral.
And Sunday's fun was singing with members of the excellent Tapestry Singers women's chorus. We didn't do too badly for people who really didn't know the parts (and my music was wrong, too). I keep getting compliments on my soprano-ing. Hmm. I have gone from no high notes at all only a couple of months ago to hitting all sorts of notes in a not-too-screechy manner. Still a bit screechy.
Sunday afternoon I rested as much as I could and knitted like crazy. Lee is starting to feel better, so maybe we will have more fun this coming week before he starts the new job. I also talked to my dad, and that was a relief--hadn't spoken to him in a while. They aren't as bad off as I was afraid.
This is just a bit of stream-of-consciousness "letters to the world" and not very deep. I'll do better next week.
What am I grateful for? New blogs to read and old friends.
PS: progress on my lovely sweater is pictured on my knitting blog if you want to see it. Feel free to visit there.
Our lads and lassies came in second overall in our class, and Beccano's percussion ensemble also came in second. This was VERY good, considering the competition. It is a good thing that the LBJ High School band was a host, so not in the competition, because their set was so cool. They all take off their hats and wander around marching a while, then magically come back to their hats, which are shiny and purple.
I didn't think we'd all make it to this one, because Beccano got rather overheated during practice at the school. His head hurt and he was nauseated. So, they asked me to drive him in the cool car and let him keep his uniform off until the last minute. That helped, and he did fine. I considered keeping him at home, but his part really sticks out and would be noticed if it wasn't there. Good thing I took him, because he was so incredibly psyched by the experience. Said it was "the most awesome thing ever." I think doing well really made him happy. So, I am glad I took him.
My friend's daughter's band did well, too, so we celebrated as if we had something to do with it other than giving birth to band members on Sunday.
The rest of my weekend was OK, though Lee was so sick with ragweed that he didn't get to enjoy much. I was as helpful as I could be at the yarn shop, and enjoyed talking to new people and seeing my lovely friends, as well. I like it when there are people to talk to there--helps me feel like part of a community, whereas sometimes I feel sorta peripheral.
And Sunday's fun was singing with members of the excellent Tapestry Singers women's chorus. We didn't do too badly for people who really didn't know the parts (and my music was wrong, too). I keep getting compliments on my soprano-ing. Hmm. I have gone from no high notes at all only a couple of months ago to hitting all sorts of notes in a not-too-screechy manner. Still a bit screechy.
Sunday afternoon I rested as much as I could and knitted like crazy. Lee is starting to feel better, so maybe we will have more fun this coming week before he starts the new job. I also talked to my dad, and that was a relief--hadn't spoken to him in a while. They aren't as bad off as I was afraid.
This is just a bit of stream-of-consciousness "letters to the world" and not very deep. I'll do better next week.
What am I grateful for? New blogs to read and old friends.
PS: progress on my lovely sweater is pictured on my knitting blog if you want to see it. Feel free to visit there.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Positive Teens
A coworker brought in a short article from the current Smithsonian magazine. Here's the longer version of it. It is about Richard Lerner, who has written a book called The Good Teen. I think I should get it when it comes out next month.He makes some very good points, such as that we define a good teen by what they are NOT doing (not doing drugs, having unprotected sex, whatever). But what I really liked were the ingredients he named for what makes a good teen, and his information on how to foster those things. Here's a quote from his interview:
Tell us about the "5 C's."
The 5 C's are competence—not just academic but social, vocational and health competence. Confidence. Then character, that it's fundamentally important to do what's right. Connection, or working collaboratively with parents, peers, siblings, teachers, coaches. Finally, caring, a sense of compassion or social justice.
How do we foster these?
Through programs that embrace three characteristics: sustained relationships between adults and young people, teaching knowledge and skills to navigate the world and—this can be the most difficult—allowing kids to use those skills in valued community and family activities. Let your kids plan family vacations with you. Let them help set the menu for dinner. Or, if the parents give resources to charity, let young people help make that decision. And even though school administrators wince when I say this, let young people be on school boards. Let them sit on the Chamber of Commerce.
I could not agree more with his list of characteristics, and think Lerner's ideas for building them are so important. It's why I make sure to really talk to my children's friends, and let them know I'm a person too, who will listen. And why we do let our children have input in decisions.Certainly, it makes me very happy to see how these traits show up in my own children. And it's how I know that, even when they are scattered, lack planning ability, and are incredibly focused on their peers to the exclusion of all other things, I live with two very good teens.
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