A decade...am I a native yet?

I realized this morning that as of today I have lived in Texas for a decade (I live in a neighborhood of remarkably similar houses, exactly halfway between Austin and Round Rock, also very near Cedar Park, in a place called Brushy Creek, which is not an incorporated town). We left wonderful and peaceful (yet corn/soybean-intensive) Champaign, Illinois right after Christmas in 1996. I drove with the cats and plants; XH drove with the kids (aged 3 and 5). Who had the better deal? I think he did. One cat refused to eat his kitty downers and yowled and voided horrible stinky gland products the ENTIRE way. Yowl. Yowl. Yowl. Yowl. How that cat lived another 9 years I will never know.

I know I have been here a while because now I am one of those complaining that all the pretty countryside is becoming tract housing (even Brushy Creek Road, sniff). One thing that remains is the round rock, which is how Round Rock, Texas got its name. That's it, on the left (note that I originally wrote "right"--I am having an epidemic of mis-labeling directions, making it hard for EM to find stuff in my kitchen). Next to it, you can see actual wagon tracks that were part of the Chisholm Trail where it crossed Brushy Creek (the rock was a handy landmark). It's a nice rock, next to a train track and part of the park where EM and I once spent a very long time when I lost that permanent job.

I think I finally feel at home here. It takes me SO long to acclimate to a new place. It took me at least that long to get used to Illinois (I was there 16 years). Of course, the only real "home" is Gainesville, where my lucky sister plans to move. Lucky sister. (Another weird thing EM and I have in common: our next oldest sibling is 13 years older.)

In an emotions of Suna update, I do feel better. I am not quite as worried about the kids today. The Younger Boy visited a friend yesterday, but when he got home, he was happy and enjoying Warhammer with his friends. He was pretty cute painting his miniatures while talking on the phone with two pals on headphones. The Older Boy was at home in the evening, and was really nice when EM and I made a dinner. He ate three helpings of EM's delicious fajitas, and was his usual fun self to talk to. Whew.

It was a pretty rough day emotionally for both EM and me, but we got through it. I was all messed up about the kids and he had a lawyer meeting and other bureaucratic crap to deal with. Thank goodness all we need is some time together to feel better. I also found out someone I cared about at church died yesterday, another friend had a horrible child custody hearing, and another online acquaintance had two grandchildren die in a fire. A lot of sadness. I hope today will be nice and calm.

Hard to be a mother

I found this picture of a St. Brighid's cross that I have actually seen in person (or one of its incarnations--you are supposed to make a new one every year), at her cathedral in Kildare. I put it here to remind me that I need to rely on my spirituality sometimes, even if I don't have any real "faith" in anything. My hope is that by reminding myself of the generations of women who came before me--tending their hearths, working their magick, and caring for their families--I will be able to get through challenges with grace, courage and integrity.

Last night I sort of forced RM to sit down with me and tell the children that he and I are friends and nothing more than that, and that EM and I are the ones with the emotional attachment. I can tell you that there is not much more that causes a mother pain than to see her own children hurt. And they get along way better with RM than I do--cope much better with his nagging, belittling and need to be superior than I ever could. And I know the Younger Boy has bonded with him a lot. I let that happen. Even though I knew from very early on that RM would not be with me permanently (I'd been trying to hold on until the kids were in college, then I could go somewhere and be alone).

The kids had no questions. The Older Boy was really quiet. He then went up to his room and played Final Fantasy the rest of the night. The Younger Boy got weepy but perked up, and when EM came over later (we got him the cable he needed for his video camera), he talked to us some. We did reassure the boys that RM will be a part of our life and not disappear. And that is true. He is now a good friend, with all the pressures gone and with his new calmer attitude.

I know it will take time. Everyone has to adjust to the "new normal." It will take a while to get to know each other and figure out how we will all relate. I am sorry to have disrupted the family like this. But, it is one of those consequences that EM said we would have to face when we decided that the most important thing for us is to be together. And it is the most important thing--it is a chance at life, happiness and love. And with the right attitude, it can lead to a happier family.

Holiday Musings

So, this is how the kids wanted to be remembered this holiday time. The Older Boy was still asleep, while the Younger Boy was "charged up" a bit. I also have a picture of me in my festive holiday outfit, complete with antlers, that everyone commented, "How natural those look on you!" I'll stick that one at the end of this entry.

So, the boys got lots of presents, though less than usual, since each got one big item (a video camera for Younger Boy and a Wii which does not yet exist for the Older Boy). You would expect them to be bonding with their gifts, right? Imagine my mirth when the Younger Boy came up to me, all serious, holding a very large branch he'd found on a hike with his dad, declaring, "Mom, I want to do some whittling on my staff." OK, I guess all he needed was a sharp knife this year. Of course, can I find the lovely wood carving kit he inherited from his grandfather? No. I'll have to look--I have seen it around.

It was a better holiday than I had feared. RM was in an extra good mood and really seemed to enjoy the day. He loved the 2 gig of RAM I got for his new laptop! And my sister loved the fancy-ass printer that EM and I picked out for her. I got me one of those phone headsets that make you look like you are talking to yourself in public when you use one. I plan to not stand around in grocery stores and use it--mainly it's for those really, really long phone calls with EM every night when we aren't together in person, where my hand falls asleep holding the trendy yet not comfy Razor phone.

Holiday meal was good. We had: pork loin stuffed with garlic cloves (whoa, did that give me indigestion for which I can't take anything due to the antibiotics I am on), homemade mashed potatoes, delicious and most wonderful King of Vegetables butternut squash, and usually nasty but well doctored up canned peas (my sister likes them). She also made an apple cake with caramel frosting for dessert, and it was most yummmmmy. I managed to get two glasses of the expensive merlot wine I bought--yay.

After that, all but Older Boy (who had to run play his new Final Fantasy Whatever) watched Little Miss Sunshine and enjoyed it a lot. I managed to finish the last of my sister's dishcloths, a lovely bathtime blossom (eek, didn't get a photo of it) AND I finished a sock. Finally, some knitting time! Photos of the measly four dishcloths I finished out of Schaeffer hand dyed cotton are in the Flikr feed in the margin. They came out very nice, with subtle patterning.

Tomorrow, back to work, though practically no one will be there but us pitiful contractors. Hey, at least I am feeding the family and did not go into debt this holiday. Whoop.

I miss EM, who I believe went to see his father, after some vacillation on that topic. Argh, two days with no Psychic Twin!!

Happy Holiday Happiness

If you could see me type, you'd know I am smiling. It has been a really wonderful few days for me, and even the yucky parts were "interesting" yucky parts.

Right now, my boys are back home (minus their luggage--sure hope it makes it--has gifts in it). I have made some homemade chicken soup with all the veggies I had in the house (because, whoa, EM and I have been cooking like crazy, even at my house!). RM is playing his endless holiday CDs, and I finally have a minute to type something.

After RM had an "issue" with me having my boyfriend in my own home, I sorta packed up and hung out with EM for a few days, just coming home to get things and wrap presents. EM didn't want me home alone. It worked out fine--RM has calmed down considerably, and is looking much harder for a place south of town to live and be closer to musicians. I really wish him well, hope he remains a friend, and want the best for him, but neither of us would be happy if we kept things up with the status quo.

We'll be talking to the boys tomorrow evening about EM being more than my best friend, and RM's being a roommate (not sure if they realized that yet or not). It really has to be done, and I can't put it off forever, especially with everyone at Ye Olde Spiritual Community knowing. I actually think it will go OK--EM's son seems to really understand the weird and whacky connection the two of us have, and I think my boys will see it, too.

Enough of what I am currently worrying about. I did have lots of fun the past few days. Spending time with EM, in any fashion, is nearly always great fun (and when we are not having fun, we are supporting each other through the interesting challenges that are inevitable at times like this). It is just so refreshing to have someone treat me the way I would like to be treated and is patient with me, and who appreciates how I treat him. And it is so much fun to have so many things in common. I will stop listing things, so that he doesn't get embarrassed when he reads this, but I have to say that even cleaning the kitchen is fun when we are together. THAT is coming from a completely enamored person, if you ask me!

Things are really solid, we are very happy, we are as secure as two Pisces with trust issues can be, and we are looking forward to the coming year. OK, I haven't said THAT in a LONG time.

Belated Solstice greetings to my pagan friends--we went out in the winter air and enjoyed the solstice stars, and had an absolutely incredible Yule ritual Friday night.

And Merry Christmas to everyone--however you celebrate, enjoy the giving and receiving, and the love of your families and friends.

Solstice Greeting (a day early)

Cold as the northern winds
In December mornings,
Cold is the cry that rings
From this far distant shore.

Winter has come too late
Too close beside me.
How can I chase away
All these fears deep inside?

enya

Ickiness, Plus One Happy Podcast Note

It seems to be the week for ickiness. The RM has decided that he doesn't want me and EM interacting in "his" house, even when he is not there. Um, I think it is MY effing house. I own it and pay all the bills. So, I am in overdrive mode for finding ways to help him find another living situation, sooner rather than later. I will try to have a nice conversation about it this evening or so. I can't live if I am worrying he will explode on me, and he indicated that he is getting angry. I am not suprised--I'd get angry at some point too, and that is normal.

I'd move on to happier subjects but all I have is this, EM's work on his divorce and the fun that entails, and me being totally unmotivated for Yule, Christmas, solstice or whatever. I would just like to wake up and have it be February, with me with a real job, EM and I on an even keel, the kids fine, and life OK.

Hmmm, let's see, happy...I heard from my brother on his birthday yesterday and it was fairly pleasant and nice...and...looks like I will be taking a long car ride to go meet the father of EM on Friday. I hope that all goes well. I think it will. His family seem inordinately happy about the way things are going. It will be nice to be around people who are happy for us again. That was good this weekend.

Happy Podcast Note

Oh yeah, in my down-hood-ness I forgot to mention this nice article that Elisabeth (friend of this blog!) had put up about RM's winning that computer from the radio station. That was so sweet of her. And it is nice to read all the comments his friends and fans have put up. If you have not had a chance to check into the podcasts RM does, please do. They are a quality product and very interesting--even if I get irritated at him sometimes, I still firmly believe in his talents and abilities, and wish others had more chances to appreciate his work. Not only are the podcasts well done, but the Lake Affect CD he made this year is really great listening if you like ambient music!! (There's a link to it in the sidebar. End commercial)

Welcome, Friends

Hello folks. Here's the new blog, which will be "same as the old blog" as soon as I copy over my template modifications and stuff.

I had a long, long weekend full of ups and downs, but I feel good today. I know you are all wanting to know why I moved my blog.

Well, you see, EM's stbx (that means "soon to be ex" if you aren't on my old email lists) apparently got into his email when he was at work on Friday (he left it up, oops, and I guess she knows his password). And she replied to a message I sent him, informing me just how creepy she thinks EM is (she seems to think we had a "relationship" long before we actually were anything other than psychically superglued, which doesn't help). It made me feel like I lived in a soap opera or something. I just do not expect adult people to read other people's email. Yeah, naive, huh. Of course I don't blame her for having her feelings or anything--just I don't think it very mature to send that kind of email to someone.

No matter how upset I was at folks during my "bad period" I tried to not send that kind of stuff (except to one poor recipient, to whom I hereby apologize again). I guess everyone needs to learn that lesson. It sure made for a really, really bad Friday afternoon for both EM and I (he had to discuss this "issue" with her,a nd he felt so bad about leaving a mushy email from me on his screen, even though it is HIS PERSONAL email).

Anyway, after stbx requested of EM that I not say anything bad about her in my blog (oooh creepy), I figured, OK, better move that blog. This way I can actually say things less obliquely, knowing exactly who is reading. So, if you ARE reading this, you are my friend, and you are welcome.

In nicer news, my precious boys (who look more like men) made it to North Carolina to be with their dad and stepmother for a week (and get to see my dad, too). It is nice when they have direct flights, because I do not have to worry about them changing planes, or pay for "unaccompanied minor." The flight was super early, so I had no traffic to deal with. I do hate to have them gone, but it lets me do stuff a little more freely for a week.

The weekend went pretty well -- lots of rehearsing for a choir performance, then the actual performance (sigh, I messed up a couple of things and feel really bad about it, but it was OK). Now I just need to get those Spanish lullabies OUT of my head. I didn't spend as much time as usual at the knitting store, but it was long enough to get to chat with Jody and her sister and get a little lecture on my behavior from another store friend. I guess I should expect that. Most people are being so nice, though, that I feel really warm. More people believe in this soul mate stuff than I realized. Aww.

Oddly, two nights in a row this weekend we had dinner with tarot people. Jody on Saturday night, and then two friends of EM last night (now THOSE people know a lot of decks!). It's a little nerve wracking meeting one's new person's friends, but I did OK. And EM went to church with me, so he was exposed to a LOT of my friends all in one event. Thank goodness it's all going just fine!

We got to go bond with the church labyrinth a while yesterday (after all the work I put into that thing when it was getting built, I am glad EM liked it so much!!), plus we spent a long time at the nice park with a lake near my house--it is so, so good to visit nature and get away from people and things for a while. I know I need to do more of that. It is really centering.

Long enough for a first post? Sure. I'll get the template fixed up soon. But, thank you all for reading and being kind to me.

Chronology

If you are interested in a chronology of the relationship between myself and my current partner, just search for "translation" in the keywords. The text in a nice shade of red contains explanations. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but I realize that ambiguity can lead to misinterpretation, and I will feel better if it is clear when and how things transpired in the last few months. Enjoy.

Postscript on April 13, 2007: This was the final post in my old blog, written for Lee's ex, since I added all the red text to help her in her endless sleuthing into Lee's and my personal life. Gosh, what will she do when the old blog is deleted? Who am I kidding? I have no doubt she's saved the whole thing to disk, so she can use it as passive aggressive "evidence" for something. Poor, poor woman. Applying energy toward moving forward, dealing with the personal issues that led to her becoming an ex, making new friends, and creating a new life would be so much more productive. But, as I have seen with many of my friends, some people prefer to dwell on, wallow in, and never escape from the past.

As for me, I relish my present, look forward to the future, and hope I learned appropriate stuff from the past.

One More Thing...

So we cheated and we lied
And we tested.
And we never failed to fail.
It was the easiest thing to do.
You will survive being bested.

Crosby, Stills and Nash

Goodbye (to Old Blog)

Well, it's depressing as all heck, but I have to stop posting to this blog as of today. I was trying to be patient with someone who has been invading my privacy, but I no longer feel even remotely comfortable on my own blog for my own FRIENDS posting about my own LIFE.

I am trying to deal with everything in my life honestly, and certainly don't think I am perfect or someone who always makes the best decisions. But I am honest, ethical and respectful of others, as much as I possibly can be.

For example, I was with my ex husband for 13 years or so. During that time we worked together, shared a home office, and shared a home network. During that time, neither he nor I ever looked at the other's email, web browser history, personal files, postal mail or other personal information without being invited to. We did not lock or password protect our computers. We didn't need to. It is simple respect for privacy. Now, he was an Internet security specialist. He could have spied if he wanted to. And there was stuff on my computer, too!

I have been with Jeff in my life for 4 years as of about now. While he turns his computer off every moment he is not using it, I usually don't. And he is here all day while I work. He could come down here and find my email from Lee if he wanted to, I guess. Wouldn't be easy, but he could. After all, I was once married to an Internet security specialist.

The thing is, if you want to know something, ask the person involved. That is the adult way to do things. And if you have something to say to someone, say it to them, not by trying to hurt someone else. One thing I learned by being the Internet Director at a Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization is that anything you write can come back and bite you in the butt. So don't write stuff down. I will remember that, too.

To find where this blog has gone, please send me an email. [no longer necessary; it is all here] All my friends and trusted readers are welcome to join. I don't have time to copy all the template files and settings and move it today, so if you could wait until tomorrow (Sunday) I would appreciate it.

translation: I've had enough of having to not write about what matters to me. So I went somewhere else. If you need any more chronology of Lee's and my life, ask him or me. Mostly we are two people who plan to spend the rest of their lives together who are trying to get their lives in order, so that can happen. We are happy. My kids are happy and really enjoy Lee. Jeff is happier than I have ever seen him, actually, with lots of ideas for things to do, and confidence that he is not being thrown out immediately. The job situation is looking up. We're having fun working on our houses and figuring out logistics. I am strong and brave and can face just about anything now. We wish everyone who reads this peace, happiness and a future filled with people they are compatible with who love them just as they are.

Now, Isn't This Something?

As you may know, my poor RM hasn't been able to catch a break in years. Keeps losing band jobs, can't get a day job, just not lucky. Until today! He entered a contest at the local radio station for folks like us (rock, Americana, Texas stuff) and they let him know he WON a Macintosh portable computer! To win, you had to be a local musician with a proven need for a computer, so he wrote them about his podcasts and recording, and how old his current system is. I am just tickled pink that he won--he truly deserves it! So if you are local, I think he'll be on the Daily Demo at 3 pm on Thursday.

I wrote to congratulate him and mentioned something that Work Boy #1 had said about it--that he is setting sail and casting off his extra ballast. I said, "I guess I am ballast, wah" or something like that, and he wrote back that I most certainly am not, that I had kept him afloat for a long time and helped him learn to sail. That is nice. He also said kind things about our relationship not ending, just moving to a new phase. That also was really nice to read, so I felt all warm and fuzzy that I have not lost him as a friend. And that is good, since he is a much more enjoyable person to know these days. Perhaps because there's no pressure any more.

Things are otherwise just wonderful. I am having a great time at work, doing a fun project that keeps me really busy and engaged (not just formatting other people's less than stellar writing--I get to make my own doggerel!). But I am working with a nice techie guy, and enjoying the last week with my current set of work friends. Next week we move our cubicles, and Work Boy #2 gets to go off and get his real employee sized cubicle while I get to decorate another teeny tiny one. At least it is really close to the bathrooms. I got a nice depressing little chat out of EM about how I should not count too much on getting my own "real" position, but I think I have reason to be optimistic, just not overly so. Realistic instead. I don't suck at what I do. I am at least ALMOST good enough for a real position! So, I will keep trying to do well and be uncharacteristically positive, while I have the emotional glow of happiness rubbing off on me.

Nonetheless, I won't be spending much for Yule. I want to save just in case.

Well, I can't get two seconds of privacy to post tonight, so I will stop. Darn families.

Comments

Sam said...
Continued excitement for your RM's luck! What a gift!Take care
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 4:18:00 PM

Tina said...
Wow, that's awesome! Congrats to RM!I wish I could win a portable Mac.I'm also glad to hear you are doing well. I've been feeling very anti-social lately. Oh, Kat is moving out soon. Possibly this weekend.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 4:41:00 PM

Barbara said...
How very kewl this is! And I love what WB#1 said - it is very wise!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 6:55:00 PM

Weekends and Looking Forward

I just got back from finally doing some holiday shopping, in which EM and I managed to have a good time buying things like blood pressure cuffs. OOOH--the Younger Son said he wanted to go along with me on my exciting adventures--I hate to tell him what mundane stuff passes for "fun" when you're just enjoying who you're with. And I do appreciate someone who just listens to me when I want to vent about "how I messed up my previous life" stuff.

It's still a lot of highs and lows this weekend--like I posted in my comment from Friday, I think I am having hormonal issues or something--it has that "feeling" like something is making me feel in ways I don't even want to feel. It doesn't help that I had to work today, wah. And that I didn't get as much done as I wanted (no one's fault but mine--any coworkers who happened to also be there were very polite), and well, I actually have a LOT to do on my project!

Probably working so much doesn't help the hormones. I had a lot of knitting work yesterday. Three work folks came in, too, and I got one going on knitting after having a frustrating time earlier in the week trying to learn on the wrong needles and yarn, while last week's new hat knitter had done a GREAT job finishing not only a hat but a scarf (and had made two others). And I got another client going on a hat. I find hat teaching very satisfying. Once you can make one, you are OFF and running, and it's fun to see all the progress and the independence the hat knitters develop.

Our choir program is still not in good shape, and that is sorta depressing--I am having a hard time not having anyone reliable singing my part, but I finally got the CD of the songs, so I can listen. Whew. By the time the rehearsal was over yesterday, I was lucky to have energy to eat dinner and watch TV with EM. (RM conveniently went to a party, which he enjoyed--I am so glad he is socializing and having some fun--he's been really good about everything, and I am impressed.) Nice to just hang out, watch TV, do tarot, laugh at the kids.

I am not sure why I wrote a long sort of reversed chronology of a not-too-exciting, normal weekend, but I think it's because it represents what I want more of (not the extra work or bad choir practices, but the other parts). I look forward to a time where I can just hang out with my loved ones and laugh and enjoy mundane things. With no drama. Whoa, that will be nice.

One more big event: the Older Boy did his first on the road driving this morning, from 6-8am. Poor thing was at a debate tournament all Friday and Saturday, is getting a cold, and then had to get up way too early to go drive. But he did it! I am proud.

Comments

Sandy said...
I hope things work out and you have many quiet weekends ahead of you.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 12:46:00 PM

Sam said...
I like reading about your weekend activities. It's true that even the mundane can be fun if your enjoy the company.I have a sphygmomanometer too (BP cuff). It is old though and I'd really like to have a fancy new electronic one where I don't have to use a stethescope at the same time. It gets hard to manipulate everything.Have a great week!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 3:30:00 PM

Highs and Lows

There really have been a lot of highs and lows lately. Do I thrive on drama? Not as much as some people I know, but I do seem to manage always to have some nice, meaty "concern" to dwell on. Oh boy, another issue to work on. I'm lining them up these days.

I am not knitting as much as I was. And that is bad timing, with holidays approaching and nothing for anyone bought--I don't feel "festive" even when I am feeling happy. When I am feeling happy I am in some other world where gifts and family and obligations don't even exist. Darn those other worlds sometimes...but, I am making a pretty set of washcloths for my sister, because she actually ASKED for them. Of course, I had to get some fancy cotton that is hand-dyed, not practical Sugar and Cream. And I am on sleeve #2 of the Silk Garden sweater. I hope to go back and finish my vest after that, but it is going to be so big, now, sigh.

And I am so wanting things to go better for EM, but he is having to slog through some hard times. And all I can do is listen and watch. And hope. What does it say about my issues when I can't even convey positivity about the things I am most positive about in my whole life? I guess you just can't be sure of anything until time passes and it really is true. So Suna should go and enjoy the things she has right here and right now.

translation: None of this is easy, but you have to deal with consequences. I really am glad Lee's family has been so supportive, but sad about the name calling and accusations he has had to deal with. That's why these translations are here. To make things really clear and less easy to misinterpret.

Comments


Lee said...
IV Wands, again.
Saturday, December 09, 2006 11:13:00 AM

Suna said...
It's a good thing we can make our own 4 of Wands, huh.I think I just have hormones.
Sunday, December 10, 2006 8:46:00 PM
Post a Comment

Brave New World

Hello world. It's been a long week and it is only Wednesday morning. But it is a Wednesday when I woke up and felt lighter and freer, and back to happy again. I can concentrate on work, send strength to Everything Man (EM, formerly known as Work Man), and be myself.

What will I do when I can be myself?

I don't know. It has been so long since I have been able to be Suna 24/7 without looking over my shoulder, censoring myself, worrying about someone else's reaction...well, it should be fun.

So, yesterday I did a very hard thing, and something I honestly didn't know if I could make myself do. I also didn't know if I'd make it through the night safely, since it involved delivering bad news to a person with one mighty temper. But I managed to gently and kindly convey to DP that he is now RM (roommate) and that at some point in the not-too-distant future he'll need to move on to "friend who lives somewhere else." He said he had a feeling it was coming, and that, given the big ole holes in our relationship, it was not a surprise. I got all weepy and kept stressing that I care about him (because I DO, in a close friend-ly way). But, no yelling occurred. I am actually really proud of him and impressed with this--it's not how he used to handle things.

OK, enough of my personal drama. Oh wait, it's my blog, I can write about that!

I had a nice time last night at Older Boy's band concert. He looks so nice in a tux!

And on Monday night, EM went with me to sing with that tight-knit group of mine, and it went really well, even if EM had been having a very rough day. I'll be glad to have some better guitar playing, personally. And four voices will be a lot of fun to work with. I sure enjoy listening to EM sing.

Thanks to everyone who's been sending me positive thoughts. Sam and Elisabeth--what you wrote me last night really helped.

translation: I told Jeff as soon as I could. The truth is that I was worried about his reaction, knowing how he gets when he is angry. However, he has been in therapy and on helpful medications, and he was perfectly aware that we had not been a "couple" for more than half the time we were together. This merely brought into the open something we'd not been talking about. I am very, very proud of him and how he is handling things. I am glad he will remain my friend and part of the kids' lives. He is proving what a fine person he really is, and I am thrilled to have been his friend long enough to see him get to this point.

Comments

rachel l. said...
Oh suna ....{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}Never easy to deliver that kind of news. Know that you have many, many friends supporting and loving you!
Friday, December 08, 2006 8:55:00 AM

When Worlds Collide, and That 4 Thing

I had another one of my little gatherings for tarot friends last night. We had a few new attendees (boys!) and it was a bit nerve-wracking for those who brought them--you hope your friends from one sphere in your life will get along with your friends from another friend, but you never know. It all went pretty good, though, and I think everyone liked or at least tolerated each other well. So our worlds collided, but it ended up being an OK thing.

The new attendee who bonded the best, though, was the visiting dog, who was quite enamored of my pug, and vice versa. They were incredibly cute and happy playing together, but the poor blind corgi just stood their aimlessly barking all the time. I thought I was going to lose my mind at one point, when I was attempting to center myself and she kept doing her sharp bark at slightly irregular intervals. ANNOYING.

The energy in the room was a little difficult to deal with last night (but it was OK, EM, so you settle down, now). In the end, I finally chugged Ace Pear Cider, and I am so NOT a chugger. That let me just get silly. Luckily the silly 48-year-olds quite amused Tina and Kat.

Note: purple and lilac candy looks brown in candle light.

All righty, so everyone on my little email list just HAS to do this thing, so here is my list:

FOUR JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE (before the current employment)

1. director at dysfunctional nonprofit organization
2. web designer
3. publications manager at mathematics software company
4. lowly worker at printed circuit board factory

FOUR MOVIES I HAVE WATCHED OVER AND OVER

1. Young Frankenstein
2. Clockwork Orange
3. Tommy
4. Best of Show

FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED:

1. Gainesville, FL
2. Plantation, FL
3. Champaign-Urbana, IL
4. Austin, TX (and that is the ONLY four places)

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:

1. Football
2. The Daily Show
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Baseball

FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:

1. St. Thomas, USVI
2. Ireland/Wales/England
3. San Diego
4. High Point, NC (to see my daddy)

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:

1. butternut squash
2. Mexican dulce de leche candy
3. guacamole
4. salmon sashimi

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:

1. anywhere with my psychic twin
2. at a retreat with my distant women friends
3. see #1
4. see #1

FOUR BOOKS I HAVE READ OVER AND OVER
1. Robin Wood Tarot
2. Knitting from the Top Down
3. Chicago Manual of Style
4. The Spiral Dance
(I don't read a lot of books over and over)

FOUR PEOPLE WHO WILL ANSWER BACK:

1. I don't pass these things on except via blog

FOUR PEOPLE WHO YOU KNOW WILL NOT ANSWER BACK:

1. He Who Never Comments or Answers Email

translation: at some point during the previous few days, Lee had brought up his desire to end his marriage, and his STBX moved out of his house. Sorry, I didn't write this down because of the lack of privacy issue. At some point AFTER that event, we became physically intimate. Yes, we were already emotionally intimate. I don't know how I could have prevented that. The important thing to note is that nothing occurred beyond hugging and kissing until after that talk.

Younger Son Rocks! Older Son Drives Soon!

I am so proud! Remember that the Younger Boy got a school-level award for his computer art last month? Well, he got a call today that he also got a district-level award and has moved on to the regional competition. We did not expect this! The best part of this is seeing him looking proud of himself. It's true, people sit taller and puff up a bit when they are proud or happy. He has just bounced around the house all day. He is singing and listening to loud music and being such a joyous person.

And if you had known him when he was severely depressed, couldn't even take a day at school without falling apart, and lashing out at everyone around him, you'd never know it was the same boy.

In other child news, the Older Boy got his learner's permit. If only we owned a car with an automatic transmission that he can practice on! The exDH will be here this weekend and maybe he can try out the rental car (ha). I certainly don't think I will borrow a car to try out a new driver on--so we will have to have him do his practice driving from 6-8 am and hope for the best. Um, or teach him to drive the stick shift.

Comments

Anonymous (Tina) said...
Yay for younger boy AND older boy!!! I would be happy to offer the services of my car for him to try to learn on (you riding shotgun, of course). It's easy to drive, and super safe, plue, it only has 4 cyl, so it won't go very fast, haha.I am looking forward to seeing everyone tomorrow. Also, we were thinking about bringing the pup to play with Scrunchy - maybe outside? Nibbler doesn't have a yard or any other dogs to play with, plus Bryce hates him. Let me know if that's okay with you.
Friday, December 01, 2006 5:07:00 PM

Anonymous said...
YAY for both boys! Congrats to all of you -- proud boys, proud mom! Life is GOOD!!!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006 11:01:00 PM

Thinking and Shrinking Again

Hey, sorry I didn't type yesterday. It was a rough day, having to repeat in every social situation (work, knitting, choir) how I am still Little Miss Contractor. I was OK most of the day, and just lost it for a few minutes with DP after I left work. But it took a lot of effort to hold together.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about the ethics of Internet privacy. I'll spare you the long thought process, but it occurred to me how important personal ethics are to personal privacy. Eveyone knows nothing is "safe," not email, blogs, nor websites, no matter how many passwords you have or whatever. But, I realized a few days ago that at home, I feel safe, mainly because I and the people in my house (as well as exDH) always respect each other's privacy. I never look at DP's email, or check up on what he has been browsing (don't know how I could--he always turns his machine off when not in use), but I never looked at exDH's either. And vice versa. If we want each other to read or see something, we share. Otherwise, our own things are our business--it is mutual respect. I know it isn't that way for everyone, so I will say I am grateful for that feature of my home.

As for shrinking, I've now lost about 20 pounds this year. I'd let myself creep up in weight again (not near the high from when I lost so much that time, but too high for my pants to fit well). This year, with all the stress and such, it's been going down, and in the last few weeks with all the high stress, it's picked up. I am glad to be within the "OK weight for Suna" zone again (barely), but I am a little concerned, since one reason I haven't eaten much is that my stomach hurts. So, I'll talk about it at the checkup I am scheduling real soon.

The bad thing is I have to go dig out some slightly smaller jeans (it's OK, they go down to a 6 in the bowels of the closet). Luckily the ones I bought last week were pretty tight, so they will last at least another 5 pounds, which is the goal. I am not, not, not going to get down to where I was in 2001, or whenever that big loss happened! A nice, medium 125 will be fine. I lost the double chin, fit into nice 8-10 clothing, and feel OK, too.

translation: I was pretty appalled to think that the STBX was reading Lee's email. And reading my blog, which I had been very careful to not list anywhere, not make searchable, etc. But, I did share it with friends. And you never know what THEY will do with information. Like make it available to people with access to their computers.

Comment

Sam said...
It worries me that you are losing so much weight for the wrong reasons. I think you look perfect the way you are!!!
Thursday, November 30, 2006 8:26:00 PM

I'm Sorry to Disappoint Everyone

But no, I didn't get the job, and I know most of you will be sad. But it could be worse. The personnel fellow stressed way too many times to NOT be serious that I was an extremely strong contender and that the folks in charge would like to find a place for me in their organization. I handled everything very well, and did not be weepy. I will be patient and see what else comes up. Ideally, I could find something in the next department over.

And of course, singing helps me feel better.

More on other topics tomorrow, if I have time. Lots of work to do and a busy evening with NON WORK FRIENDS.

translation: I said non-work friends here, and pretty much stopped posting about Lee because I realized someone was snooping on his email and reading my blog. I did not have sex at any point during this week, by the way.

extra translation for the especially paranoid: If, for some reason, my saying I did not have sex this week conveys the impression I did have sex the week before, or on some other mysterious Day of Sex, cross that off your list of paranoid delusions. Not that it is anyone's business other than RM and mine, I did not have sexual relations of any kind with anyone other than myself from March 2003 until whatever day I say I did in this stupid blog (which was really NOT written to be a series of hidden hints revealing my true nefarious character, like the Da Vinci Code; it was intended as a little fun blog to update my friends, not as fodder for anyone's unhealthy obsessions).

Nota bene: I am not obligated to explain my sex life to ANYONE. To find out why my boyfriend became my housemate, one would have to go date him. Feel free. He eats a lot and earns little. He is also always right, all the time. If you are also always right, all the time, this might be an issue. You might cause each other to explode. That would be messy, but nonetheless might solve lots of problems in my life.

April 2007: Boy, I was sure pissed off at Lee's STBX. She was reading crazy things between the lines of my blog, long after I moved it to here because of her behavior. I really regret that Lee accidentally left a screen available for her to see it, thus really violating my privacy and feeding a paranoid person with fodder for her paranoia.

Comments (oh yes, this post was supposed to be about not getting that job, a thing that also truly screwed up my life in the long run)

jody said...
May I be the first to call you a dork for appologizing to us for causing disappointment? I thought so. :)That sucks that you didn't get the job. In a big way. It's very good to hear that personnel was so supportive and encouraging.Can't wait to hear about the next opportunity for permanent employment that comes your way!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 8:49:00 AM

Suna said...
yeah, I just feel like I let everyone down (present company excepted). That is because I am so hard on myself and so badly want to live up to expectations--just keep falling slightly short. This is the second time in a row that I JUST missed the mark. I'd say always a bridesmaid and never a bride, but no one ever asked me to be a bridesmaid. :-)
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 3:30:00 PM

Sam said...
You haven't disappointed me. I just want YOU to be happy!!!! I want you to be happy whatever that takes and I will continue to support you as you work to make that happen for yourself!!!HUGS
Thursday, November 30, 2006 7:48:00 AM

Today Update

Well, the call wasn't about the job. We were told we'd hear today by more than one person. It's almost 5 pm, so heh. I guess that's not a "today" kind of announcement. Oh well, I got a lot of work done, anyway, and hope to get a lot of playing done later (more music stuff).

Unless things go awry. I am a little concerned about that.

Thanks to all of you who've emailed or commented. It means a lot to have you thinking of me, so I know I'll be fine no matter what. [insert gazillion smiley faces]

Comment

Anonymous said...
I am on pins and needles, waiting to hear!!! Sending lots of good thoughts your way, no matter what happens!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006 9:40:00 PM

Small Update

At the end of the day, Work Boy #2 got a phone call that he quickly left to take. I think he got the job, so start sending vibes that something else comes along and that I can be all professional and cool tomorrow. As someone who tends to cry at bad news, this will be a challenge. If I am wrong, I'll post something tomorrow.

Nervous Stuff; Send in the Vibes

It's been a mixed bag so far, today. On the plus side, I really have gotten a lot of work done, and it has been good and interesting work. And Work Man managed to come by for lunch while he was doing errands (he's on vacation). The dog is fine, by the way :-)

Less good has been yet another issue with our networks, which messed up how super-dee-duper productive I had planned on being today--I could have revised/rewritten a whole document if I hadn't suddenly become unable to get to the files.

Worst has been the fact that rumors about the job decision being made soon were flying all day, so the Work Boys and I were in nervous states (Genia and Chatty K were both not here). Work Boy #1 found out he didn't get a chance to interview, and we were all bummed about that. But still hope more opportunities arise. Then, the personnel dude came by and took Work Boy #2 away. That didn't do my already very painful stomach much good at all. Poor #1 had to listen to a bit of paranoia from me, but he was good about it. However, when #2 came back, it turned out that the personnel dude had only dropped by to let him know that they weren't quite ready to make the offer! All that worry for naught! But he did say it would be later today (I doubt THIS much later today) or tomorrow.

So, I will be out of this job angst misery one way or the other tomorrow. That's good, since I need to move on to other issues. I hope all these issues will lead me to be a happy camper, so send the vibes today!

Next I get to go sing with my lovely singing boys. That will at least take my mind off stuff.

translation: moving on to other issues means the couple thing.

Comments

Barbara said...
I'm crossing everything I've got, and rubbing my ring, too. hugs to you while you wait. :)
Monday, November 27, 2006 9:17:00 PM
Sam said...
Ring rubbing is happening here too!!!HUGS
Monday, November 27, 2006 10:26:00 PM

Puppies Are Cute

Duh, of course puppies are cute. I got back a while ago from helping Work Man pick up his new puppy. Her name is Rose, and she is a little black and tan fluffball of indeterminate origin. We got her a little collar with roses on it at the pet store, too. I got to do lots of fun stuff like go to the tractor store, too. We got to drive way, way into rural Burnet County to get the puppy, too, so I saw lots of llamas, longhorns, horses and such. And a lot of goats.

There were even very cute goats right next to Work Boy #1's house (where the dog came from--he and spouse do puppy fostering).

It was fun to meet all the dogs and puppies at Work Boy's, and we were relieved that they didn't get too weirded out by me coming out to get the dog. It just helped to have someone to hold her on the way home. And Work Man and I needed to chat. It's good to chat with nice scenery going by, rather than in a cubicle.

This was not what I expected to do today, but it's a good thing, all in all! The only other major day highlight was singing soprano in choir today. It is not all that bad singing melody once in a while.

translation: I neglected to mention that we decided to be a couple on this day, right here. This is the day. And we kissed. The decision was that the next item on the agenda was talking to roommates and partners about this. Please note that I didn't plan any of this.

April 2007: It's funny that what is probably the most important day of my life really didn't say much about it, and no one even commented. I am glad to have Lee.

It's Saturday. It will be Monday soon.

Not much to say today. Woke up, drove boy to lacrosse tournament, went to Starbucks, had interesting discussion, went to yarn store, talked to my friends, taught a lady magic loop (why is it such a mystery? I don't know), did tarot with Jody, came home, watched football, knitted, typed. Wished time would move a bit faster, though I don't know what's supposed to happen after it does move.

I can tell you about the nice conversation, yeah, that's it. I was in Starbucks waiting for it to be 10 am, and a couple came in wearing University of Florida stuff, so I said, "go gators" to them. Then another couple came in wearing UF stuff, so we all said, "go gators" to them. We ended up with 5 UF grads sitting in the shop! We chatted a bit about school and such, then the man nearest me and I began to say that we'd go live in Gainesville again in a heartbeat. The guy then looked at me, lowered his voice and said, "I know this is going to sound sort of hokey, but I always felt like Gainesville was sort of...magical...like when you are there, you feel like you are at home." Well, of course, I didn't think that was hokey, since I had told Work Man the very same thing mere days ago.

This is a picture of what it looks like at home. Sorry I had to get one off a website--none of my actual photos are digital (most are blurry and taken on very old 60s and 70s cameras). This gives you the idea. It is very green, very leafy, very mossy. The trees are SO big. And it smells good there. Even DP said so, when I showed him the house I grew up in when we zoomed through on our way to visit his mother.

Thinking of home helps a lot. It reminds me of the feeling you get when a lost part of you is found--and my home is one lost part of me it may take a while to get back.

Here's the song fellow Gainesville native Tom Petty wrote about where we came from (places mentioned are real). I may have quoted this song before, but hey, it means a lot to me!

Goin' down to Lillian's music store
To buy a black diamond string
Gonna wind it up on my guitar
Gonna make that silver sing

Like it was Dreamville
A long time ago
A million miles away
All the trees were green
In Dreamville

I keep wakin' up all by myself
With a bluejay in my brain
Flappin' his wings, makin' me sing
It was just about to rain

Like it was Dreamville
Where I was born
Light years from here
And the air smelled good
In Dreamville

Like it was Dreamville
A long time ago
Light years from here
And the trees were green
In Dreamville

Ridin' with my mamma
To Glen Springs Pool
The water was cold
My lips were blue
There was rock and roll
Across the dial
When I think of her
It makes me smile

Like it was Dreamville
A long time ago
A million miles away
All the trees were green
In Dreamville, in Dreamville

Yeah it was Dreamville
A long time ago
Light years from here
And the air smelled good
In Dreamville, in Dreamville

translation: see, I was just sitting around, passing time.

Thanksgiving (US) Wishes

Yes, I know some of you aren't in the US (hi Sam and "Knittingwoman"!).

It was probably a good thing to have a nice, boring American holiday today, since I have been having the most emotionally intense week since I can remember.

Everything was nice and normal today, other than my poor sister being really sick--but she was a trouper and helped me cook the fine and delicious meal. We had a nice time talking about our jobs and lives. Nice to be getting along well with her. And she and DP got on fine--he helped her with a new camera. It was my most stress-free holiday in ages. The whole family was fine and charming, though I am slightly worried that the corgi's eyes may be hurting her.

I've had some nice talks with friends in the past two days, in IM or phone, and I am so grateful for modern conveniences like that--you need to keep up with the lives and families of people who matter to you (so send vibes for NJ's father-in-law). Phones and stuff mean you don't get cut off from important people for days on end. Mostly. OK, so Work Man went away for 5 days. I'll have to be strong, ha ha.

In knitting excitement, I finally ended the body of my silk garden sweater, which I now declare to be a tunic. They are in fashion. The border is a seed stitch stripe. It looks nice, I think. On to arms!!! Tomorrow I hope to spend quite a bit of time at the yarn store working on it, and getting some stuff on sale--I'll need more border yarn and probably more silk garden, which I reserved.

I hope your day was wonderful, readers!

translation: I did not talk to Lee over the Thanksgiving holiday until Sunday. I did email him a few times and he emailed me. But not much. I had no clue what he was thinking about or planning. I didn't know WHAT I was going to do, just that I wished he wasn't gone.

Comment

Sam said...
Happy Thanksgiving! I am glad you had a good day. I love reading about how other people celebrate holidays.Take care(and HUGS for your broken ring!! I know how I feel when my fingers are in such bad shape that I can't wear mine and it's sad.)
Friday, November 24, 2006 2:17:00 PM

Slightly Better

Sorry about yesterday, dear readers. I am processing a lot, so it makes me vague. Ah well, for once I am dwelling on something that renews my spirit and all that stuff.

I did want to recommend the CD/DVD that DP got yesterday, the Beatles Love. The first song alone, oh my. A capella version of "Because." In surround sound it is totally mind-blowing, like the lyric in the song. So, go buy it for a friend or yourself!!

In honor of the CD:

Love is old, love is new,
Love is all, love is you.

Succinct, huh.

translation: We talked some more. We realized we cared deeply about each other. And we laughed a LOT about the stuff we had not mentioned to each other for fear that the other one would not understand. Mostly this was about laughing and not having to constantly try to not show we cared. I believe there were a few hugs that day. We did not make any plans. No kissing. Held hands in a restaurant.

Comments

Happy Inarticulate Day

Trying to post every day, like my pal Barbara, but not doing as well. I didn't sleep much last night--woke up feeling sickly a couple of times, then got worried about the job stuff. Then woke up when DP came home at 4:30 after chatting with his favorite conversational partner at Donn's Depot. I am glad he has such a friend.

For someone who said many words, I was really inarticulate today. I feel a bit like a song from Band on the Run. "No Words." But I learned a new obscure word today, so at least I have one word, and it was a weird one, and it made me laugh. And I read some song lyrics that meant a lot to me, so it was a good day. Just inarticulate.

Work was a killer today--I was there 7:30 am to 7 pm. But while some was intense, some of it was also goofing off. I really do enjoy those coworkers--even when they are griping.

And it's true; I also enjoy the Work Man. It's really energizing and liberating to get a chance, even if just for a little while every day, to be myself uncensored. Hard to get used to that, though, so duh, I am inarticulate. If you have a friend, family member or lover with whom you can be your uncensored self, please thank him or her, for me. It doesn't happen every day!

translation: I was inarticulate because Lee wrote me a song. It explained how he felt about me. It was the same as how I felt about him. I was not sure what to do. We do not have a relationship. We have potential at this point. I think I may have held his hand.

Comment

Barbara said...
yeah, sometimes it's not easy coming up with something every day. At least I can be thankful for the Neighbors From Hell to keep my blog, um, interesting? is that the word? I dunno, I'm being inarticulate today. :) Glad you got Work Man to keep things fun.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 10:51:00 PM

Wedding Bell Blues

This picture is of the masterful stack of objects my coworker made today while the network was down. To protect all of us, I cropped out the lovely photo of him and his fiancee from the image.

What I Wrote during the Network Outage:

My dear friend Austin got married yesterday. I didn’t get invited to the wedding, which appeared to be for family only. It is nice they did it that way, but also fits into my history of not getting invited to people’s weddings. I just very rarely am, and have never been anyone’s close enough friend or relative to be in the wedding party, other than my own two fiascos of weddings.

The reception was a typical Austin/Connie bash, with not much food or drink, but a lot of people and a lot of music (though, while I was there, no one was paying much attention to the music). Most of the really good folks were avoiding playing, other than the intrepid Chris Gage and his accordion. I, um, like his guitar and piano playing. I did get to see a lot of folks, since many people who used to be in Ye Olde Spiritual Community showed up, plus current people, plus a whole bunch of our music friends. And Austin has LOTS of those. DP really enjoyed seeing so many of his friends there, too.

Much good happened. I sure got to hug a lot of people, thanks to wearing my hot little turquoise velour jacket, swirly skirt and fancy boots. Mostly people wanted to touch the jacket. That was OK with me, I am needing a lot of hugs these days and put up my anti-vibe guard enough that all the non-intimates hugging me didn’t bug me too much (what IS it with me and not liking physical contact unless I am fairly mentally close to someone? Oooh, she’s so SENSITIVE).

Thankfully the friend who I needed reassuring hugs from the most came through with gusto, and it helped a lot. We both need to reassure each other we still like each other, I think, and have not had a chance to really talk since the odd chain of events happened that have made it difficult—mostly we are with our partners or others and acting cheerful.

Austin was a hugging maniac—as well he should have been! He seemed really happy, and I am so glad for him—he and Connie seem to be a good match, quite accepting of each other’s unique qualities, as it were. What would it be like to be with a partner that is truly compatible? I think I’ve almost forgotten, it’s been so long. And I think that’s what gave me wedding bell blues. I know I’ve given up on that, and lately that has been harder to accept than it was before I started this job.

Oh well, I drank a LOT of champagne, and that blotted stuff out. I also had to blot out my sadness that my “ring of power” broke in half. I knew it would—they all have a weak spot. But I’d been wearing that ring every day for a LOT of years. So, it’s pieces are in my pocket, and I hope to get them made into earrings, which was Work Man’s suggestion. I will order another ring to remind me of my wonderful online circle of women.

I think I am missing those people a lot, too. I don’t get to chat much, and am too busy to email a lot, so I am not participating online as much as I would like to. I miss my good boss Hedy, and Stephanie. And the ones who dumped me, even though I know I won’t get them back. Yeah, yeah, boo hoo. Heh, today Work Man said I was full of Happy Magick (I do see that I make him happy, and vice versa—I am happier than I have been in ages). But I don’t feel that way deep inside, still. I truly am happy, glad for my new job, my new friends, and the connection that I have and all that Happy Magick. I guess I am too human and want it all. But I am too old and have some heavy karma going against me, I guess. I had a psychic twin relationship once and messed it up, starting 30 years ago last August. That’s all you get, I guess.

Tomorrow: Something more cheery, or at least focused on the here and now.

translation: the friend I needed hugs from was Scott. He is a friend. I have male friends. The connection I have with Lee is important to me. At this time, I realized it was deep and probably not going away. I did not know what to do with it. But it made me happy. I also realized how I had messed up my relationship with my high school boyfriend, who reminds me of Lee a lot (I found a picture of him...eww...they look alike, too). Another reason I hesitated to have any romantic relationship--tired of screwing up, repeating a pattern, hurting people.

Comments

Barbara said...
It's human to want it all -- I do too. But it's reality to realize that we just can't have it all- or at least not most of us. Sorry about the ring. :( That seems to happen fairly often. I'm thankful that mine is a version that is a whole band and not as susceptible to breaking.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 10:47:00 PM

Suna said...
Yeah, Barbara, you're right. Because you grow up, life gets complicated, and you have commitments and obligations. And actually, I think I am OK with that part.But when I said: "I had a psychic twin relationship once and messed it up, starting 30 years ago last August. That’s all you get, I guess." I was wrong. I'd like to retract that. Maybe every 30 years you get to try again? Maybe I've gathered some wisdom that will help me cope more successfully this time. I'd hate to have to wait again until I am 78.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 3:38:00 PM

Anonymous said...
Go watch the movie "The Secret". And then rethink what you can and can't have in life.I believe you can, and I don't even think you have to wait 30 years. I think if you really want it, you could make it happen right now.Did you order a new ring? I just got my thumb ring from Wellstone.:-)I like it!
Friday, November 24, 2006 11:02:00 PM

3 Things, which Barbara Says Is a Meme

Once again, I mined the depths of Barbara's blog to come up with something to put in that is fun. And again, not sure how they mean "meme" here, but here's what it usually means:

a unit of cultural information transferable from one mind to another

In any case, I like to think about stuff like this.

Three Things I Do Every Day:
-draw a tarot card
-knit something
-drink coffee


Three Things I Wish I Could Do Every Day:
-do something fun with a friend
-cook
-ritual

Three Hopes I Have for Today:
-do something fun with Work Man
-get some good writing done at work
-enjoy Younger Son's band concert

Three Things I Hear:
-keys clicking
-a lady helping a person process their ALE gift card
-Linda Ronstadt on the MP3 player

Three Ways I Have Changed my Life:
-I have learned not to give my heart and soul to any job
-I have stopped looking for happily ever after
-I have really assimilated the fact that everyone has something they can teach me

Three People I Wish I Could See Again:
-Corey
-Nori
-Billy

Three Items I Wish I Owned:
-a yarn store, with someone else to run it
-a house on a quiet lake (no jet skis)
-a really comfortable chair

Three Wishes I Had When I Was Young:
-to own a pony
-to become an AA Fuel Dragster driver
-to be a witch

Three Fears I Have:
-one of my kids having something bad happen to them
-guns
-motorcycles (hoping to cure myself of that one)

Three Things on My Desk:
-MP3 player
-memory stick with funny party pix on it
-fresh coffee from downstairs

Three Thoughts in My Mind:
-deal positively with the job situation however it comes out
-keep enjoying my new friendship however that works out
-what to get the family for Christmas


Comments

Barbara said... how fun - I was wondering what Meme meant - thanks for looking it up. I clearly just copied it from someone else. :) hey, it looks like you got at least one wish come true.Tuesday, November 21, 2006 10:49:00 PM

Profitable Partying

You just never know where a party will take you.

I went to a gathering of folks from ALE -- contractors and former contractors from my department. A nice bunch of people, and we don't all get to see each other much since we have split off to various other places. I'd been a bit concerned, since some of the attendees had applied for the same job as me, and I'd have to deal with the person who "went off" on me on Friday. But, I dealt with my headache remnants and showed up with all my food products and a smile.

It went pretty well--just had to not engage that one attendee every time she said, "Friday was hell," which she said a lot. I enjoyed talking to all the people I don't see much--all interesting women. At some point after dinner, we were talking about fashion and G. said that one day she had gotten chilly and gone to the "scarf store in Sue Ann's car." Everyone perked up and said, "You have a scarf store in your car?" and I said, yeah, actually, I do--because I have all those consignment scarves I was gonna sell at Yulefest in there, riding around. They begged me to go get them, so I did. It was pretty funny to watch them all flinging scarves around. They'd put one on, look in the mirror, come back, get opinions. They seemed to have a great time. I was slightly uncomfortable about selling them stuff at a party, so I priced them lower than I normally would (but at least paid for the yarn). I left with about $200 I didn't have when I went, which will be nice holiday money! Lots of funny pictures were taken, so I will be sure to share then when I get them! I DO hope the photo of me chewing was DELETED.

PS: I missed Jody and Cheri at the yarn shop yesterday. It was really quiet.

Sick in the Head

Last night was the farewell event for my friend Cheri. I feel so lucky to have (finally) made some good friends in Austin in recent months, and sad to see one moving away, though we do read each other's blogs and stuff. A bunch of knitting friends had a nice meal together, and it was good to be with the folks sitting around a different table! It was weird to not be knitting. I will sure be thinking of Cheri as she goes to Colorado, settles in and looks for a career. Though at least she has a fun temp job as a dog walker. That is good exercise, full of affection and not too stressful. Wow, a fine job.

Today was not a good day for my head. My tarot card was the Wheel of Fortune and I pretty much did what it depicts--went through every emotion, from happy to sad to angry to ill to neutral and back again. All day long I felt "odd" and I got extra dizzy at lunch, then again in the late afternoon. Finally, on the way home I realized I had one of those weird migraine-like headaches I used to have in grad school. As I recall from over 20 years ago, it was hard for me to figure those out back then, too. I don't think I've had but one or two of those since that time, either.

I was having a lot of trouble with what I was writing today, and there was something of a misunderstanding with a coworker that led to a bit more than normal stress (mainly because I am trying really hard to be extra easy to get along with and not make things harder on someone who's already having a rough time. I was not happy when another coworker had to take the brunt of complaining about me (though I appreciate his defense of me--I really work with some nice, reasonable folks), so the strain of this, waiting on the job news, and my other random internal struggles probably didn't help the head issue.

But, on the other hand, I have to say I am enjoying the rhythm of work days lately, where I work hard and have very nice coffee and lunch breaks where I get that rare chance to be myself, uncensored. I don't let my guard down a lot, especially after the fiasco at Ye Olde spiritual Community and the distrustful times at the former job. The latter was especially sad when I tried to keep some stuff from my dear pal NJ and she from me so we wouldn't make things worse on each other--she was the one I could just be "me" with before. It's nice we can get back to that again now (though not so nice it has to be by phone, IM and email). For the most part, I am really enjoying getting to know the work folks--Work Man's just a treasure to be with, and like he points out, he really makes me laugh. And I've been enjoying working with the Work Boys, too. I like listening to them talk about movies and politics. I had a nice talk about UUism with another coworker today, and it was refreshing--nice to make the connections. So, that's still all good.

Above and beyond the call of duty--both the boss and Work Man offered to drive me home today. He was the only one left by the time I did leave (not that it was torture, other than the massive traffic jam caused by a bad wreck near my house--I was sorta worried the Older Boy was in it, going to his debate thing, but he wasn't). I hope my car is still there tomorrow morning.

Once I got home I took the fine medicine I have for heads, and slept a few hours. Then the Younger Boy and I watched two movies together, sorta. He actually glommed onto a book Work Man had given me to read, about Celtic Shamanism (cause I wanted to read about the four paths in it). We do a lot of exchanging of materials. I was sort of shocked that Younger Boy got so into the book that he went to another room to read it for an hour or so. Then he came back requesting various aromatherapy oils (for his congestion--he has it BAD) and crystals (not sure for what, but he sure wanted carnelian). So, I went and found him various items--I think he was darned impressed I HAD all those things just lying around the house. What, he forgot my stuff??? He says, "Mom, can I cast a circle? Mom, can I have an ash wand? Can I make a pentacle?" Cracked me up. He really likes that book, and ooh is he jealous that my wand is made of ash (tree was in front of our house in Illinois). Well, now's the time to explore one's spirituality, I guess. It's sweet (and a relief) to see him that interested in anything other than Star Wars Galaxies (his online game). I don't expect he will grow up to be a Celtic Shaman. I know I went through a lot of phases as a young one. Most involving hugging trees, though.

Ha, I ramble. It is nice to have a bit of time to do so, having been so busy lately. I hope to find time this weekend to really work on my Silk Garden sweater this weekend, then finish that vest I was working on. Tomorrow is the usual busy Saturday. Long day knitting, then a party with Work Women. I hope that will be fun!

translation: NOW you can say Lee and I realize that we like each other. But no one talked about it, no one touched anyone else in the car, or at lunch when I was dizzy. One reason I was dizzy, which I didn't mention, was that the entire conversation revolved around about a dozen really weird things Lee and I have in common, and that we talked about some of the kinds of things we hadn't talked about before. I talked more about the real nature of my roommate's and my status, etc. Nobody in these coffee and lunch conversations brought up anything about pairing up or the like. Just about current status. No negative words were spoken about anyone other than my roommate. Note the date here. Mid November.

Comment

Barbara said...
I'm glad you got someone to give you a ride home. No fun feeling less than normal. I hope you continue to feel better. How neat that he got into Celtic Shaman. :)
Saturday, November 18, 2006 3:17:00 PM

Proud Mom Moment

This here is the Younger Boy aka Art Boy last night at the Reflections award presentation at the middle school. Too bad he isn't wearing his lovely (large) medal--hadn't gotten it yet. He got to go on to the District level with this computer generated art project he made using "Blender." It is a hypothetical scene of night in Ireland. I saw some of the other kids' projects--all had objects on them, placed in spots, while Art Boy's has elements that fit, have perspective, shadows and all that. there is even lightning in the night sky. I am very proud of him--and he is proud of himself. He so rarely gets a chance to "star" at school--I'm glad this worked out. He really is an incredibly bright and interesting kid--just not Mr. Academic. And that's fine, long as he finds a niche to shine in, other than being the Head Wookie in Star Wars Galaxies.

Other stuff is pretty good. I got some new clothing as an award for surviving a very painful dental cleaning, including a very bright blue velour jacket and a swirly denim skirt. I feel pretty cute in it today with the blue snakeskin cowboy boots. Still waiting on job news, but that is to be expected--they are not finished interviewing. And I am still enjoying my dear coworkers. Such a funny bunch.

When I am not feeling really good about myself (see tarot entry for today) I wonder how I could get such nice friends--still marveling at the ones I have made this year at the knitting shop and work. Who would want ME for a friend, knowing how I am not good with words so often, so moody, so emotionally needy. These nice folks (and my Internet friends who have managed to stick with me through so much!) like me anyway. Yay. I gotta remember all the friends are flawed, too, 'cause we are all human.

Long day ahead--gonna try to go to choir after knitting. That is a lot of stuff in one day. And I am really sore from walking into a wall. I do that a lot these days. I get so distracted trying to keep my boundaries that my feet fail, or something.

translation: I walked into walls a lot because I was trying so hard to not touch Lee or do anything I should not do. I guess you don't get many points for trying...but I did my best to keep things on a coworker/friend level. From what I can tell, this was not easy for either of us.

Comments

jody said...
Whatever. I'm *so* not flawed.I can't believe you would say such a thing...heh heh heh.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 10:09:00 AM

Suna said...
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA. That's a good one, pal.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 10:39:00 AM

Sam said...
Oh he so deserves your proud feelings! That image is great! Look how cute he is!!!Take care
Thursday, November 16, 2006 12:49:00 PM

What Someone with Too Much Time on Her Hands Does

She goes to Barbara's blog and copies another list. I bet we each wish the other would quit finding these lists. OK, things in bold green are things I have done. I will also add comments.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (Enchanted Rock)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive (actually it was a Maserati)
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (RIP, Chichi)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it (but will I ever again?)
09. Hugged a tree (it's my religion)
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (a college bowl game in New Orleans)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (my freakin' SOUL)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (I have hugged a sheep)
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster (but I do not like it)
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (Buckwheat Zydeco 1986)
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (10/31/06)
39. Had two hard drives for your computer (this one, right here, under the desk)
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk. (wedding night, 1990)
42. Had amazing friends (present tense)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach (watch out for sand dunes)
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland (but, not any more, sigh)
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (an actual pattern!)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them (conference for previous job)
54. Visited Japan - no but had a Japanese boyfriend, see #52
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero (Supergirl)
58. Sung karaoke (in public, ACK)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football (lots when young)
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (see #51, also Wales and England)
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married (twice)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced (twice)
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest (well, funniest costume 10/31/06)
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage (love it, regardless of my "talent")
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents (I did not personally bury her, but my mother is dead)
93. Been on a cruise ship (but never on a cruise)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently (no, never that good at either language I am OK at)
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (in the process thereof)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (one's partner does not count)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country (no, but that's where my ex met his new spouse)
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking (it amused the kids)
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (I don't think "NB" is a large publication)
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart (and I feel awful about it)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (never will, either)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (cesarean, gall bladder)
120. Had a snake as a pet (technically my son's but I had to feed it)
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach (hard to avoid in Gainesville, Florida)
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes (mmm)
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (a fish)
137. Skipped all your school reunions (tried to go this year but lost my job)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you (if a scarf is art)
145. Had a booth at a street fair (ugh)
146. Dyed your hair (no one's hair is this color naturally)
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life (probably)