End of Decade Philosophizing

I have been reading the blog of Lisa, a woman I knew from my old nonprofit work, who has had many challenges lately. It really reminds me of my years between 2002-2007, only her issues (cancer, for example) have been truly hard challenges. She posted this today, which I encourage you to read. Since I wrote a huge long response, and since I have been so down the past month or two that I haven't posted much here, I thought I'd share my comment here. As context, she talks about the topic of "why me"? Why does all this crap happen, all at once, to people who are trying to lead a good life, treat others well, and raise productive children? I said:

Well, my deep descent began right about this time ten years ago. At one point, I remember telling people the light at the end of the tunnel felt like it was only a few atoms wide. It all took me by surprise. I thought that since I was smart, tried to be kind, worked hard, and focused on helping others that good stuff would happen to me. I thought things that didn't go well were because I had made bad decisions, so I worked really hard to be kind and make good decisions.

What the years of partners leaving, friends betraying me, jobs that disappeared or stressed me to the max, and financial horrors told me was that I am NOT in control. No matter how smart or nice I try to be or how hard I work, stuff can happen. I can't make people treat me the way I want to be treated. I can't stop illnesses in myself or my family. It happens.

Worse was how long it took me to figure out that this stuff wasn't punishment for being a "bad person, bad friend, bad spouse, bad worker, bad parent, etc." And it didn't mean that the people who "did stuff" to me were bad either. Things just happen. Sure, it helps to try to make good decisions and keep living my life according to my personal values (treat others as you would like to be treated). But that won't make life easy.

All I can control is how I react to things. I guess this is the same lesson you are learning, too. It sure took me a long time. And still, occasionally I fall back into the panic mode and cry out, "Why me?"

I still work for peace in my home, my community and the world, even though I know there are huge groups of people and corporations who do not share this agenda. I will still fight for religious tolerance and appreciation of the wonderful variety of cultures in the world, even with all the forces who think anything "other" should be squashed. That makes me feel good. That keeps me going.

And I expect crappy stuff will keep happening. But I have stopped punishing myself and blaming others. That has not helped.

Hmm, I'll go put this endless comment in my blog, so it will have content this month.
[end quote]

I'll try to post more. Really, nice stuff has happened in addition to stress--the kids are great, I really enjoy my coworkers and work (when I have it). Lee is a great husband and very kind to me. I have some fine neighbors, knitting friends, church friends and online pals. We all have challenges. Just sometimes it's harder to cope than others, and this has been one of my harder times. Funny, though, I think it makes me appreciate the good stuff even more.

Time Heals All Wounds?

Something I was reading yesterday made a point that caused me to go, “Hmm.” I think it was in one of the endless supply of Facebook posts with 25 things about various people (as an aside, recently I read a couple of them that were so rich, interesting and entertaining that it made up for a LOT of bland and predictable ones and made me really wish I had finished mine, which was supposed to be just 16 but I could not make myself finish…).

This person said one thing she had learned in life was that time does not actually heal all wounds.

That made me think about whether that was true for me. I’ve had some rather unpleasant things happen to me that I now feel OK about: things my parents did, my divorce from the kids’ dad, losing out on a couple of jobs, a guy I loved deeply who chose another woman over me (well, make that more than one—it was the story of my life for a while there), those things Jeff used to say about me in his rages. All of those things hurt a lot at the time, but I no longer feel angry at the people involved. Some I feel nothing at all about, and others I feel positively toward. Is it just the passage of time that helped me feel better? Or did I have an active role in healing those wounds?

I’m pretty sure I had a lot to do with it. Some of those things required my lovely former therapist’s help, but I did manage to see that none of these things were my fault. I saw that some were just unfortunate circumstances, while others were because my fellow humans were, indeed, human, with failings and frailties of their own that impacted me.

However, there are some wounds that have stubbornly refused to heal as time has passed. I allude to some of them occasionally, because they keep popping up to nag at me. Sometimes the feelings on these topics come rushing back, as if the hurt occurred yesterday. Oddly, a lot of them happened around the same time, during my “vortex of despair” or whatever you want to call it. I was just dealing with the last bits and aftermath of all that when I first started blogging, and I know writing things down, no matter how vaguely, has helped process these things.

A conversation I just had with the Neighbor Coworker about “negative self talk” (ah, those New Age phrases) provided me with an insight that I think pinpoints why the wounds from situations like the horrible church situation, the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization, and the one extra unpleasant relationship I had have not healed. It’s because I have not forgiven myself for the role I played in them. I blame myself for mistakes, missteps, misunderstandings and moral blunders that I made that may have contributed to the negativity. I somehow remain convinced that I should have known better, foreseen how events were going to play out, controlled my feelings, seen through how people portrayed themselves on the surface, or predicted the outcomes of events better. I blame myself that other people got hurt and I could not protect them. I think I hold myself to a much higher standard than I hold other people to, and I judge myself way more harshly when I fail to meet my own standards.

It’s just dandy to say, “Well, Suna, for heaven’s sake, just go forgive yourself. You’re human and screw up. So does everyone.” It is another thing to actually DO that. I can forgive myself superficially for a while, but it all comes back, especially if I even slightly head down the path to a similar mistake. (I give myself credit for this: there are a number of behaviors I used to exhibit, tactics I used to use in dealing with others, and ways of thinking I do NOT engage in any more. I am capable of change for the better. Hooray for me.)

Forgiving others is hard work. They write whole books about that topic. I know; I checked on Amazon.com. Forgiving yourself is even harder. If I ever get a real job, I hope to be able to take the time to go to therapy again, because I think it will take the help of a person who is not too close to me to work on this. Tarot, meditation and whining at my husband are not quite enough (not to mention, not fair to the husband!).

On the bright side (and yes, I revel in the fact that in my life there now IS a bright side to almost every issue that arises), I’ve made the step of identifying the issue. That’s a good one! And I hope that by sharing this with others I may spark an insight in you, or you, or you (those people being my three readers).

Another friend wrote on her 25 things: “I am wounded. A big part of me is just broken.” Some of our wounds have the same cause. Others are our own. But one thing all of us share is that we’ve all got broken areas, sore spots, wounds and bruises. That’s why it pays to be gentle with each other and to not react too harshly when you get a surprising reaction out of someone—you may have inadvertently hit a sore spot.

That’s it for another of Suna’s periodic “long, philosophical ramblings.” I’ll go out and expose myself to some sunlight now, and look at the roses by the front door of the building, in case I have S.A.D. or something.

Update, the World

Texas Sage at Dawn
Originally uploaded by sunasak

In updates, no word from the band director last night, so I guess we really aren't wanted on the bus. Oh well, that is sad, but we can now leave early if we want and won't have to swelter at any point.

UPDATE to Update: OK, the band director just called and apologized and said all my points were reasonable and right. They are going to work on handling things differently, and we are welcome on the bus. (That will depend on if I feel like going, but I will try.) I think the deal is that I will wait to see exactly how well the parent who instigated the campaign against Lee on the bus grovels. Because I am most displeased with her behavior. She apparently asked about people bringing casual boyfriends on the bus, and when the director said no to that (thinking she was referring to something else entirely), she interpreted it as the legal guardian issue and immediately had my friend email me that Lee was not welcome. Hmph, wouldn't even direct her intolerance at me personally. The band director is a nice man. But there sure are some communication issues among the parents.

Back to the story...

Lee has some good job prospects, and almost had a shot at doing my old job at ALE, but he hadn't been gone long enough. Think good thoughts next week when he interviews for jobs with benefits!

Jeff's mother's health is slowly improving. And we saw him last night at Artz playing with old friends Danny Santos, Steve Brooks and Gerry Burns. The latest incarnation of Bluegrass Vatos, I guess. Beccano and Lee seemed to enjoy it a lot. I mainly enjoyed the updates on Steve and Danny, whom I hadn't talked to in a while. The band wasn't so hot (I missed Jeff's harmonies and guitar on Danny's songs).

The kids are going to go over to Singing Partner Bill and Carolyn's tomorrow to help Bill work on his New Fence Project (they built a huge road where the edge of his yard USED to be, long story). Tuba Boy is still earning points from the text message fiasco. Beccano just likes to smash rocks and get money. I am glad it's a home football game tonight so they will not get home too late.

The World

I have been thinking a lot about how there is so much hate, intolerance and sadness in the world. Having a wee bit of intolerance aimed my way didn't help, but I am also thinking about people in other places.

On NPR this week they had an audio diary of a young dentist in Iraq. I am glad they did this, because hearing a real person's voice makes things far away seem a lot more real and immediate. To hear his happiness when his team won a soccer championship, his fear when he talked about how people in his profession are targets, his ambivalence at perhaps leaving for safety but then losing contact with his family and friends...and then his tears and sadness when his best friend is kidnapped, tortured and beheaded...this really helps you remember that the VAST majority of people in all the war-torn, conflict-filled places are just folks like yourself. They just got born in the wrong place at the wrong time.

How can people treat each other the way the Iraqi factions do? The Palestinians and Israelis? The Pakistani factions? US gangs? (The list goes on...) I think it all boils down to fear. I really and truly believe that many, if not most, of the people doing the kidnapping, shooting, raping, bombing and all that do it from fear. They fear that if they don't hurt others, they'll get hurt. If they don't follow orders, the people in charge will come after their own families and friends. If they question authority, they won't get a chance to ask another question, ever.

I know we will probably never get to the Peaceful World Suna Envisions, just like a candidate with my political beliefs would never get elected. There is good and bad out there and always will be. But I sure wish there were some way that just the people wanting the power and the glory (the ambitious??--see Friday's feast) would be the one involved in conflicts. The ones putting their lives and agendas on the line. So that people who want to live and get along with their neighbors, even those with different beliefs, could just live their lives, raise their families and live without fear.

A lot of the time I am feeling sad for people who are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I never forget that not much at all differentiates them from me. Not much at all.

Enjoy the photo of the plant in front of our house, taken at dawn this morning.

That Time of Year

It has to happen. School starts. I liked it when I was in school, but as a parent, ugh. The start of that period when I can't remember all the things I am supposed to remember or buy all the things I am supposed to buy.

This year it is bittersweet--both boys are in high school, in the box-like institution pictured here. It's nice to only have to go one place to drop them both off (though I enjoyed taking Beccano and chatting with him last year). But I feel sorta sad that my kids are getting this old, getting ready to fly the coup and all that--no matter how nicely I am letting them go, according to last week's postings.

At church on Sunday there were little groups of crying mothers scattered around--all of whom either just sent or are about to send children off to college. And some wonderful children whom I will miss, too. So many talented musicians, thespians, intellects and comedians that won't be around to enjoy except at holidays. As someone mentioned on an email list, that stuff just sends me into "pre-mourning." They are both so much fun, even when Tuba Boy gets a bit teenagerly and grumpy--for the most part he is still my wonder boy--just everything a mom could want. And his brother still talks to us and tells us what is going on in his life--how I treasure that.

I'm happy that they will be in the band together, and proud at how they are already handling scheduling mix-ups and such. We'll be here to help Beccano adjust--he's much stronger now and I think he can do it just fine. I just hope Lee and I can handle the band and debate schedules, plus all the other little things that come up!

Speaking of Lee--he has an interview tomorrow, so please think good thoughts. It would be so nice if he ended up with options and decisions to make about what fine new thing to do! And his house is sold, so that worry will go away in just a few short days. We might actually make it through this period slightly ahead, knock on wood.

Thinking about Friendship AGAIN

Oh, I should not think too much, especially on the topics that gnaw at me endlessly. Like friendship. On a blog I read, the author went on a bit about losing friends suddenly and not understanding why, writing a long passage I could have written myself with only slightly different circumstances. Ironically, this brought back wounds I thought were long buried about email friendships gone awry and a whole set of friends I lost MANY years ago due to that. And that then brought up the next series of losses a few years ago, and a more recent relationship loss another long-term friend just went through. I went into a spiral of self-analysis again. No wonder my tarot card for yesterday was the 10 of Swords--I stabbed my own self in the back doing that!

I did note the blog author getting into thinking a bit of what I used to think--that my defective personality just drives people away. And it wasn't true of me or her--sure neither of us is perfect (who is? I don't want to know them)--but many times these losses are also due to issues with the other person. Sometimes folks just don't know how to say they have an issue, there's something wrong, something's bugging them, until it festers and POW the relationship explodes.

I even read an article on female love-hate friendships on CNN yesterday, which ties in a bit with this. How you can both admire and feel jealous or competitive with a friend, and how that's difficult to deal with.

Where I was going with this is that I need to realize that with a bunch of old friends popping back into my life (Facebook's dredging them up from the woodwork, way back to high school), I need to keep at peace with past failings and friendships gone awry. All I can affect NOW is how I act today. So I'll keep working to be the New and Improved Suna, and try to not wallow so much. Hard to do, with my natural Piscean INFP wallowing tendencies! But I can try!

So, don't run away, readers. I still like you, even those who don't say hi. (I seem to have chased someone off when I mentioned that last week--many apologies!) Deep in my heart, I treasure you all--ones I've hurt, ones who hurt me, ones who love me, ones who barely know me. You all have something to teach me in one way or another. Thanks!

Grateful Monday

Oh yeah, I forgot to be grateful again yesterday. I was grateful for my voice, since I managed to hit all the notes, even a D above high C, in the new choir rehearsal last night (still having some trouble with it cutting out). I am also extra grateful that I can read music. It would be awfully challenging otherwise.

What Keeps Us Going

Polaroid of Boy
Originally uploaded by sunasak.

What keeps us going and slogging through each day, no matter what stress or strife comes up?

Love is one thing. Love for my kids is basically what got me through 2000-2006. And love for my expanded family has things even better!

Learning is another. When the world stinks, you can't do anything about it, or you are chafing at "the way things are" like Tuba Boy is these days, you can always come back to learning. That's a big part of why I am still here. There are still things to be learned in this life!

Then there's laughter. Humor truly helps when things are scary, stressful, difficult or tedious. Thank goodness it's everywhere in my house. From dogs and their antics to Lee and the kids, there's always something funny!

Beccano has been developing a keen sense of humor, as I've mentioned. He does a lot of puns, makes up jokes, and is also adept at physical humor. An example is this picture. He was playing with his hair (needs hair cut, yes I know, Father of Beccano) and wanted to be a unicorn. So he piled on the gel, but it didn't quite work. It did make these lovely curls however. So once again, the boy mugs for the camera. We have quite a collection of his facial contortions--I'm going to have to make a collage of "The Many Moods of Beccano."

I hope this gives you some Friday fun!

I Have an Opinion

I often read CNN's website while I am eating lunch. Sometimes that is not a good idea, like today, when I got pretty sick of what I was reading. It was this article here, about that horrid Football man who killed all those dogs and such. In this article, some brilliant rep for the NAACP actually said the following ignorant things:

"'In some instances, I believe [Mr. Football] has received more negative press than if he would've killed a human being,' [Mr. NAACP] said. 'The way he is being persecuted, he wouldn't have been persecuted that much had he killed somebody.'

"[Mr. NAACP] said he believes [Mr. Football] will cut a deal rather than roll the dice on a trial and take a chance on being found guilty, but 'whatever he's done wrongly, he needs to pay for it.'

[Mr. NAACP] also said he didn't understand the uproar over dogfighting, when hunting deer and other animals is perfectly acceptable."

Well, if ignorance is bliss, Mr. NAACP must be a really happy fellow.

First, killing just for the fun you get from torture is nasty. Killing anything just to watch it die a painful death shows there is something deeply wrong with you. And you know I think killing people is bad. But, bad enough to train an animal to do something against its nature, bad enough to torture the animals when they are alive, but then to torture them to death? That is completely sick. And, Mr. NAACP, people DO differentiate between things that were accidents and brutally torturous murderers of humans, too.

And let me count the ways in which torturing dogs to death differs from hunting a deer:

1. Hunters do their utmost to quickly kill animals and not let them suffer. They don't douse them with gasoline and laugh as they die.

2. Hunting originated as a way to feed families. Humans are omnivorous, and to eat meat, something must die. But there is more than one way to do that. Many, if not most, hunters give the animals they shoot to the needy or eat them themselves. I doubt Mr. Football man ate any dead pit bulls. But, I guess he could have. He seems inhuman enough.

3. Deer are prey animals. They were put here to be food for something. Domestic dogs were put here to be companions to humans and help them (herding, protecting, keeping warm).

4. When you are hunting, the animals have a chance to escape--a "sporting" chance. They aren't tied up and brutally killed (yeah yeah, there are some counterexamples to this--I am not for that kind of hunting--well, actually, I am not big on hunting, period, but I don't think it's on par with dog torture).

I could go on, but am sick to my stomach. And when the sports dudes on Monday Night Football went on and on about how the gambling was worse than the dog fighting, they lost all my respect, too. Gambling at least just hurts people who gamble. (Note, I don't gamble, at all, either.) I hope Mr. NAACP never hears the end of it for what he said. And I fantasize that Mr. Football gets sentenced to the job in his high security prison of scooping the guard dogs' poop. With the dogs loose and HIM chained up. Sigh, but I wouldn't do that to a fellow human being, because I am not cruel and vindictive. Lucky Mr. Football.

This is the kind of stuff I try to dwell on so I don't worry about Lee all day. How'm I doin'?

Existential Apatheism

Jackson Browne said:

Somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you’ll never know.

That sums things up for me. If only my friend Bill read blogs, he'd be thrilled I quoted his danged Jackson Browne song. Oh man, next I will quote the Dead or something.

Suna, the ripple in still water

Another good new word

I am loving reading all my vocabulary building feeds every day. Here's the one today from one of my favorite sites, the Double Tongued Word Wrester, by the authors of the Double Tongued Dictionary, who also have an NPR show, but we don't get it here. Boo.

The word is apatheism, if you didn't care to click. And it's "the attitude of not caring about religion or if there is a God. " That fits right in with some of the conversations I have with Tuba Boy and friends. There's this one who was very firmly atheist, but I could tell some of the stuff I was saying was getting to him. I didn't see him for a while (he stole that girl Tuba Boy liked in April) but now he is back...and an agnostic. He didn't enjoy my "I told you so." I do enjoy listening to the teens talk and figure out what they believe as they go. What a fun age.

And here is their most recent citation of the word, which I think is a great quote to ponder:

2007
[dgriffith] Freakonomics Blog (Aug. 2) “Cut God Some Slack”: I think you’ll find that the stance of simply not caring much about God or religion ("apatheism” in the jokey parlance) is much less common than you imagine. It seems to be growing as people get wealthier, but a depressingly predominate chunk of humanity believes that God is indeed worth caring about, one way or another.

For me, it's hard to get apatheistic about the beliefs of others, because they keep infringing on my right to believe nothing, not know what to believe, or mix and match as I see fit!

Random Thinking

I've been thinking random thoughts, so here's a random--a fractal that's supposed to be a pansy, I think (my favorite flower for looks; roses are for smelling).

This nice quote came via my spiritual community's women's email list:

We should not seek revenge on those who have committed crimes against us, or reply to their crimes with other crimes. We should reflect that by the law of karma, they are in danger of lowly and miserable lives to come, and that our duty to them, as to every being, is to help them to rise towards Nirvana, rather than let them sink to lower levels of rebirth.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

This helps me a lot, and reminds me of how I try to live my life. Sums up those pacifistic urges of mine rather well.

The Dalai Lama quote makes up for this weird-ass thing that was posted on the blog of an email correspondent. It is an entire website devoted to the idea that the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012. Creepy, huh? I went to the site, thought the t-shirts were spiffy, then began to wonder, hmm, is this a collection of serious links or some very, very dry satire? Jeff seems to think satire. If so, it's even more subtle than Landover Baptist! So, I have spent a lot of the day wondering just what sorts of people surround me, and whether I can do anything at all useful when folks with beliefs based completely on conjecture, myth or legend (i.e., our evangelical friends) will just come along behind me and muck it up.

I've also been reading about this poor woman whose rape trial got set up by a judge so that she was not allowed to use "rape," "assault," and such in her defense. Led to a hung jury. Or the murder cover-up of a gay man in Indiana. (This was on another blog I read.) Downer, downer downer.

Still, I worked toward a balanced view. I wrote this on the women's group email list: "Living in today's world can be challenging, and sometimes you start to think that the people striving for peace, love and understanding of others are a minority too small to make a difference. I remind myself that sometimes we only make a SMALL difference, but that even a small positive change is a good one." I will try to stick with that.

Thoughts on "National Service"

Today we have a little lecture on my beliefs. As usual, this represents only MY opinions.

On the way to work, I have been listening to an NPR series on "national service." They have been talking to experts on topics like why the armed forces have been getting fewer volunteers recently, whether there should be a mandatory draft, whether there should be mandatory "national service" like there is in many places, and whether USonians are volunteering as much as they used to.

Yesterday I got a bit upset when some of the "experts" they talked to intimated that, if you don't volunteer to join the armed forces or encourage your (male) children to do so, you are not a good American and should be ashamed of yourself for taking and taking from your wonderful country and not giving anything back.

I thought, hey, where does this leave pacifists like me? I am not declining to participate in our defense industry because I am lazy and don't "love my country." I decline because I am fundamentally opposed to killing other human beings or doing work that supports doing so. I do not believe a human should kill another just because they live in the wrong place, have a government with oil reserves that the multinational companies running the current government want, or are of a different religion/ethnicity from their own. I'm not even comfortable with killing in self defense. Two wrongs don't make a right (helps that I sorta believe in reincarnation, sorta). So, I am not going to join any armed force, nor encourage my children to do so. I believe in working toward peaceful solutions to all disagreements (and in using the resources you have, not taking the resources of others, but that's another story).

They also talked about mandatory national service. I thought, well, that is at least not violent, but would I be comfortable with being forced to spend some part of my life in support of a government whose policies I disagree with? Hmm. Am I being some kind of selfish, unphilanthropic leach on society?

Then, this morning's feature was on volunteering. How important it is, and how 9/11 got folks here all involved in it again. Oh yeah, duh. See photo above. I volunteered to spend at least 5 years of my working life doing unpaid work for an organization that helps people. I even got a couple of awards for doing so (that's me, Sandee and some lovely Japanese mothers, with an award), back when they thought I knew something about them there Internets and was Mistress of the Series of Tubes. And after that I worked for that organization for very low pay because it was a cause I believed in. I still believe in their core philosophy.

And THAT is the kind of voluntary service I believe in and wholeheartedly support. Not mandatory service to your country or some specific government. But voluntary service to humanity/the planet. Everyone will do it in a different way, but it is important to give to your home in some way. Even chimps do it (according to research I just read in Science News, chimps will help each other, or humans, for no reward, just as toddlers will--it's an instinct I guess). I was lucky. When my children were small I had a spouse who could support us fine (not wealthily, but fine enough), and I could stay home with them and work as a volunteer. It was very fulfilling work most of the time, helping mothers have healthier, happier babies. And I helped all mothers, regardless of beliefs or geographic location. I did my years of service to the planet, and I hope I leave it a slightly better place because of the help I gave to millions of families. Sure, we went without some material things. But, we felt good about how we lived our lives.

I can feel good about that. Whew. I really DO live my life according to consistent principles and a reasonable philosophy. I hate it when something gets me all beset with self doubt on a topic so fundamental to my core! Pacifism is not an easy choice, but it's the only one I can make. But the choice does not mean I do not want to contribute to society--only that I don't want to choose killing or war as a solution, or support it, whenever possible.*

So, if asked, what I would support would be making it possible for everyone to take out some amount of time in their life to do something altruistic--to help other people, to heal the earth, to do some peaceful good. That might mean corporations let workers off with some pay to do so, or government support for young people taking time off (like for AmeriCorps, CityYear or Peace Corps--just with more options). There will be sacrifice involved, just not sacrifice of our children's lives or the lives of children of mothers elsewhere. The world would be better if we were all free to give more of ourselves to each other.

*I realize that by living where I live, paying taxes that fund a huge war industry, and other choices, I can't avoid inadvertently supporting institutionalized violence (I live in the US state with the highest death penalty rate, for example). But I vote. I speak up. I make careful choices. None of us is blameless and none of us is perfect. We do the best we can according to our own beliefs. And if you have thought carefully, and believe in your core that wars can be justified, and that there are good reasons for killing other people, that is your right. I am never going to be one of those people who want to impose my beliefs on others. I'd just like the favor returned.

Chronology

If you are interested in a chronology of the relationship between myself and my current partner, just search for "translation" in the keywords. The text in a nice shade of red contains explanations. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but I realize that ambiguity can lead to misinterpretation, and I will feel better if it is clear when and how things transpired in the last few months. Enjoy.

Postscript on April 13, 2007: This was the final post in my old blog, written for Lee's ex, since I added all the red text to help her in her endless sleuthing into Lee's and my personal life. Gosh, what will she do when the old blog is deleted? Who am I kidding? I have no doubt she's saved the whole thing to disk, so she can use it as passive aggressive "evidence" for something. Poor, poor woman. Applying energy toward moving forward, dealing with the personal issues that led to her becoming an ex, making new friends, and creating a new life would be so much more productive. But, as I have seen with many of my friends, some people prefer to dwell on, wallow in, and never escape from the past.

As for me, I relish my present, look forward to the future, and hope I learned appropriate stuff from the past.

Bordering on Happy...Watch Out

You know I don't spend a lot of time posting about how durned happy, but I have just had a few really nice days, so it's hard to deny that I am enjoying life at the moment.

Of course, being Suna, I have odd reactions to happy things. Today we were "leaked" the info that there will be a permanent job in our department opening up. It's currently my fondest wish. To get to keep working with the same folks I work with now would be so, um, "awesome." But I panicked and sorta felt sick at first. I know there are others in my dept, and other former contractors, too, who would love this job. And while I am really sure I have a lot of great qualities and that my colleagues and boss like my work, I also know that the two new guys are also really good. Oh well, as Work Man put it, ALE is a competitive environment, so you have to be up to competition. And use all the advantages you have. Thank goodness I have at least one permanent employee who'll let me know what kinds of questions they'll ask, what they want to see on my resume and all that. That same employee said at one point today, very quietly, that he will do everything he can do make me permanent--he doesn't want to think of not having me around--he'd miss the other half of his brain, I countered. Yeah, that mutual devotion thing will help a lot! It's been a lot of fun getting to know a new, good, friend that well. Lots of laughing, fun coincidences, and really fun work, believe it or not. I have missed having someone like the Wonderful Dave to work with--someone who works like I do and enjoys doing creative stuff as a team. Yet lets me work alone when I have to write (and vice versa).

I do have strong reactions to things. A coversation about war, the draft, and kids going to war started at work. Work Man told us about his son writing about the sound of a bullet going past him, and how he couldn't read any farther. I got nauseated, just to think of anyone's son having to go through that. All I could say was, "I guess I have really strong feelings about this." I know everyone thought I was being a self righteous pacifist or being judgmental about people who volunteer for wars or whatever. But this one was just a part of how strongly I feel about the kids. My kids. His only kid. Austin's son. That they should not have to be placed in places where other kids shoot at them. Since they kept on talking about it, I had to leave for a while. I did get a nice hug out of Work Man when I came back. But I am not sure, sometimes, why I have such strong feelings about only certain things. Most things I have a perhaps overly existential view on. But the three or four issues that get me, they really get me. I just can't believe people really WANT the world to be set up this way. But I guess they do.

Ha, this evening, the older boy and DP were having a "discussion" about how the world should be, and I listened to his passion about human rights (though he sees things a bit "sideways"), and I sure did see myself. It is absolutely thrilling to hear my own child arguing strongly and surely about what he believes, and hearing how his thought processes are maturing. I am glad he is in the youth group, even if it's a pain for him to get there--I know he gets to talk about issues that matter with like-minded young people and some really thoughtful adults.

Highlight of older boy's recent life? He got to dance with the tuba players in the Baylor Band last night, at Festival of the Bands. He was so THRILLED. And the band was so good. Wow. Our kids made me proud. Plus the younger boy and his middle school band were by FAR the best middle school band there--he's performed a lot lately, too, and drummed well. Oh, and my "third boy," the eighth-grade tuba player I met at the first football game of he season, he did well, too. He and my younger boy really enjoyed sitting with the high school band on Friday and playing songs with them. This kid's a hoot--very outgoing and good with adults. His dad just watches him and shakes his head (the dad is nice, too).

I'm proud of the younger boy, who is sticking up for himself at school in a very mature way. He was stuck in classes with a very disruptive kid who once tried to hurt him. But he managed to convince the guidance counselors to let him switch two of his classes, so he could concentrate better. I didn't have to do it for him. He did it himself. This is the same child who used to just put his head on his desk when stressed out at school. Amazing.

And hey, I finished a pair of socks. I took pictures, but I can't get them to show up, I guess, once I have typed something in here.

translation: At this point I am thinking of Lee as a really, really good friend, whom I could like more, but can't. I did hug him before I went home, after he was so nice about the war thing. And I realized at this point that he liked me as much as I liked him. But there was no indication of anything other than being friends. Anyway, for those interested in chronology, that was the first hug.

Comments

Anonymous who is really Tina said...
Yay for being happy!Don't let ALE tell you that you are "too good" for a promotion/permanant position - they told Bryce that when he worked there several years ago. I should be at CwS tonight, though I don't know how long. Kat is moving here tomorrow, so I have to finish some cleaning stuff tonight. Icarus is still unfinished, I still have sock ADD, and my brother's baby is due earlier than they thought so I've been devoting energy to knitting baby stuff.I have good news at my workplace, as well - remind me to tell you about it.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:33:00 AM

Anonymous said...
So, in addition to adding my blog to bluebonnet's site, you should add this knitting podcast: http://limenviolet.com/ (their blog is here: http://limenviolet.blogspot.com/). There is much giggling, and hilarity, and it's not always PG but it reminds me of CwS, hehe.I also enjoy "It's a Purl, Man" - which is hosted by a male knitter (gasp!), and is quite enjoyable. There's another one called "At the Yarn Shop" which I love but hasn't been updated in a while.I have more, but there's at work and I can't remember them. :sigh:
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:04:00 PM

Sam said...
I love that you have a chance at that job. I am vibing hard and lighting candles that if this is the right job for you, then it should be yours.Take careSam
Thursday, October 26, 2006 10:37:00 PM

Decisions, Decisions

I am doing a lot of deciding in my life. I am so happy I am learning to decide to let go of things that are bringing me more pain than joy (the church decision), even though it STILL is not an easy decision--I do miss some people and activities, like choir. Right now I am working on deciding whether to go to my 30th high school reunion or not. Last year I was feeling successful and confident, while working on the interesting work project, getting to travel a lot, and learning so many new things. This year I am in such limbo in so many ways...not feeling terribly "successful" but happy I am coping well and making the best out of whatever situations come up. I just don't know what I'll be doing and how I'll be financially in four months! I was one of the "successful" ones in high school--not in the "in" crowd, but popular in my own group of music (chorus and band) friends and the "smart kids." I left high school with a great boyfriend, and the expectation that both of us were off to get PhDs and become brilliant college professors. Well, the boyfriend did just that (and I am so proud of him), while I wandered away from academia making "interesting" decision after interesting decision. And honestly, since my marriage broke up and I have been struggling so hard to raise the kids in a stable setting, I have not felt terribly successful. I feel like it would be a real let down to show up and say, "Hi, I walked away from professor stuff, did some weird editing jobs, married and had kids and stayed at home, then worked as a webmaster for a nonprofit organization that could not pay well and got stranger and stranger until...I have no idea what happened."

On the OTHER hand, what the heck. Probably everyone in high school has had ups and downs in the past 30 years, and some have done well and some haven't. At least I am still alive and kicking, and so many from my class aren't (including my close friend from when the boyfriend, this guy and I were a trio of pals--and I don't even know what happened to him!). I didn't keep up much with high school friends, since I moved far away and felt bad about breaking up with the boyfriend and all...so who knows if they'd even remember me! I tried to contact a couple people a few years ago, but got terse responses or none at all. But, it would be nice to see Florida again, even south Florida, not my favorite part. So, I actually think the good outweighs the bad, especially since I am gradually feeling better about myself and trying to do positive stuff...

And I have had some fun. Two of the yarn store women let me go out to dinner and to the exciting Cool River bar last night, where I had a very expensive green drink. It was fun to hang out with women, though there was no exciting man "action" (nor did I expect any). We were ages 28, 38, and 48, so I was the old lady of the group. I don't FEEL old or like I shouldn't be going out and having fun, though! And we were carded. How fun.

OK, as you can see there is an obligatory knitting picture. Yet another washcloth. I knitted a very plain and delicate one for a wedding gift (going to make another one for the other half of the couple), and then just HAD to finish this extra bright one for my own use, with really nice, thick cotton from "the other yarn store" in town. Now I am going to go finish that other patriotic sock. Thanks for reading.

Comments

Jody said...
I think I'm going to avoid the expensive green drink in the future, just not worth it. That was a good time on Saturday! No hangovers in sight.
Sunday, May 21, 2006 8:14:00 PM

Not Much. Hands Hurt

I think I have been knitting too much--my hands are sore. Mostly I think it is from working with "Suede" yarn to make the belt sample for the store. Here is its photo. When it's done, it will be a cool belt, though, and I think people will enjoy making one and learning to follow cable instructions by making it.

I am enjoying the lovely alpaca lace sample a lot more, I have to say! Oh, so soft, and an easy pattern I can relax with. And all those washcloths which can be doilies, or dishcloths are also a ton of fun. Hoping to figure out a good color and make a couple as a wedding gift.

Weird thought of THIS week is how nice the world would be if everyone was an INFP on the Meyers Briggs scale. Ah, a world of sensitive, kind, altruistic people. Just like MEEEE. Hee hee. I bet things would be a LOT more peaceful. I got sort of weepy on Mother's Day when someone read the original Mothers Day proclamation by Julia Ward Howe. It sounded so darned NICE to think of all these mothers settling arguments and agreeing to live and let live so no one would massacre each other's sons. Sniff.

Having a Reasonable Time, Wish You Were Here

Last night, as I mentioned yesterday, I went to a concert. I volunteer for the Live Oak Coffeehouse Concert series. Right now I am one of the ticket-takers and do set up. I met my partner at one of these concerts, so it's special to me! I thought I'd share a photo of last night's featured performer, John Flynn, in action on the stage (thanks to Jon M. for the photo). It was awfully darned nice of him to do the wmen in the audience a favor and take off his jacket so we could see his sleeveless shirt.

It's too bad not many people came, because he had some really moving songs (in a liberal folkie peacenik way), and told some interesting stories about his life and spiritual journey. I really like it when people talk about that kind of thing--how they pray/meditate/interact with their deities and such. He had three huge boulders moved to his house from a meditation space he once frequented, for example. Just interesting to me. On the other hand, Jeff thought he was a bit heavy handed in his social messages and was hitting us over the head telling us to be nice to each other and embrace peace. I guess I don't mind so much when someone is making a strong point I believe in, too!

Speaking of sharing spiritual journeys, before I got back to blogging I enjoyed another one of those. I like to watch late night television (it's about the only TV I watch, while I do my knitting). I love the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, then I head over and watch the end of Letterman and the show with Craig Ferguson. I am very fond of Craig, for a lot of reasons. One is he takes risks with the genre and does some things differently (some work, some don't). And another is that his monologues are not highly scripted--he knows what he's going to talk about, but then just takes off. And finally, he does not erect a huge barrier between himself and the audience like Carson, Letterman, Leno and those folks have mostly done (Letterman occasionally lets something through, like when he had the heart issue, and when his child was born). He is open about his alcohol issues, his marriage issues, his rough childhood, etc.

So, about a month or so ago, Craig Ferguson's father died. The Monday afterward, Craig did his show as scheduled, which surprised me. But he came on, all serious and wearing a tie, and just talked about his dad. Did a wake kind of thing, sharing stories, laughing a bit, crying a bit--just like anyone with a fresh loss would do. Then, as his first guest, he had on an addiction specialist who had been on the show before, and the therapist asked Craig some really interesting questions about his experience. The part I liked the best was when he asked Craig if he had any spiritual beliefs that were helping him along. And Craig pretty much said, "no"! He then talked about his history with religion, what he did and didn't believe, and it was quite genuine and rang true. His next guest was a really lovely woman, John Ritter's widow (ack, can't remember her name). She also talked to him about spirituality, and how it affected her when her husband died--and she also admitted she didn't get much from organized religion. Well, this was so refreshing to hear, and so courageous of both of them to admit, on national television in the USA of today, that they didn't exactly have the belief system of the "moral majority" folks. It was the most uplifting show I saw in ages, even if it was a wake, and Craig was rightfully sad.

I think if more of us agnostics, atheists, seekers and such spoke up about how our nontraditional beliefs comfort us or serve us well, it would be a good thing. OK, I am off my soapbox now. Note, of course, that I firmly believe everyone should choose the belief system that works best for them. If only more others returned that favor!

Perseverance, and When to Let Go

I thought a lot about perseverance last night. [I have deleted this story, sorry.]

On one of my email lists a woman just praised me for finally deciding it was time to "let go" of something that has been dear to me for a very long time. It was something I cared so much about that I put a lot of myself into it, and worked so hard to do my part to help it succeed. Recently, I finally hit the point where I realized it wasn't going to work, and through no fault of my own, this Titanic is traveling through a field of icebergs and is sinking fast. And this email list woman is right in being happy for me--I do feel an incredibly lightened stress level, and don't feel so "guilty" thinking about new projects and priorities. I am someone who sticks with commitments and is perhaps overly loyal, so it is painfully difficult to let go of something I have committed to. But unlike learning socks, sticking this will not bring me years of pleasure and beauty, but will continue to provide me with more unpleasant "growth opportunities" and lessons in dealing with disappointment. SIGH.

In happier news, the photo for today is the fru-fru dog sweater I made as a store sample. I am now, get this, making a "summer" dog sweater. It has a lovely fluffy border. Oh yeah, I am sure a REAL dog would just LOVE these fluffy things. But, humans will just eat them up, I bet!

Comments

Stephanie said...
Hooray for you and your shift to a new phase of your life. Your friends are here rooting for you in all aspects of this adventure.In the meanwhile, are you gonna share the pattern for this adorable doggie sweater?! Maddy would just LOVE to sport one around town.XOXO
Wednesday, March 01, 2006 4:16:00 PM

DianeS said...
Sorry to hear about the income drop! But congrats on taking it so well.Wish we could stay in better touch. But know that I think of you often and other friends are asking how you're doing. I'm glad you're blogging again (and I won't spread it around!).DianeS
Thursday, March 02, 2006 4:17:00 PM

Suna said...
Hey Stephanie and Diane. The dog sweater is the cover sweater from the book "Knitting for Dogs," by Kristi Porter. The toy dog does remind me of your precious puppy, Stephanie, and it is EASY, so you could do it! Just wait until I post the summer sweater, which is on a larger toy greyhound. I find it a bit scary, but ladies love it and are all clamoring for a dog sweater class. OK, fine.Diane, we have to get the yarn group going better. Karen and I talked about taking it back to people's houses and soon. Of course, you and I could try to actually do lunch or something.
Sunday, March 05, 2006 1:26:00 PM

Vicki said...
Yay! Suna is blogging again!I am proud of the work you have done to get to this point. You had a very rough week last week and are doing a remarkable job caring for yourself!Happy belated b-day.
Monday, March 06, 2006 11:53:00 AM

Consensus Fun

I am now in Illinois at a lovely resort where a bunch of women are gathered to look into various ways of facilitating conversations among groups. We used "appreciative inquiry" yesterday and today are doing something called "world cafe."

We have been sitting around talking about how to help our organization value our diverse membership and their disparate perspectives. It was so exciting when, after hashing out many variations of "valuing each other" or listening, or whatever, we finally came to a pithy, short summary of hours of conversation. We decided we can facilitate change and honor diversity this way:

All important conversations occur in the open

Why? Because so many issues are ONLY raised in the hallways, or in our rooms after hours, or in private email lists--which means there ends up being lots of "elephants in the room." If we could create more opportunities for this sort of thing, MAYBE conflicts could turn into constructive conversations...

An exchange based on a previous entry

One of my online friends sent me an email yesterday in response to my earlier post about "Distributed=Republican?" -- I wish she'd posted it in a comment, but I can understand not wanting to write all her views down for all friends of Suna to see!

However, I can share what her email led me to start thinking about, with regard to factions that seem to be developing in all our communities, social, political and others, recently. Here is some of what I said to her (edited to remove names):

"We really do seem to be in a similar "spot." And I think asking questions of ALL the parties who confuse you or you need more information from is the only way to get accurate info to make a good decision about things. And the more you learn, the more you see NOTHING is black and white, no one is pure as the driven snow or pure evil, etc. If people honestly interact, share their opinions and why they formed them, you can usually learn something from them, and vice versa.

"Where I fall down is when I see people deliberately trying to lead people astray, misinform others, or insinuate things that are not true (without coming out and saying them--classic passive aggressive behavior). I get really angry at this tactic, probably because I see it as a tactic I used in the past before I realized it was NOT a good idea (best thing I got out of therapy). You always react more strongly to flaws in others that you also see in yourself, I think. I guess this is why, right now, I don't think I could be in the same room ten minutes with [a particular colleague], someone I used to respect a lot, even though I don't agree with her politics, etc. But I also feel sorry that she and a few others seem so upset that they need to "fight dirty" or "fight" at all about ... stuff. That "war" metaphor that creeps into SO many American interactions is NOT a useful way to solve differences or work toward solutions."

I know it's been said before--I remember reading a book by Suzette Hayden Elgin many years ago talking about how the "war" and "battle" metaphors used in American English perpetuate the idea that we are always battling each other. I am now trying to make a concerted effort to use peaceful language and will fight to get war metaphors out of my speech and writing (ha ha ha, I crack myself up). I must note that I think SOME use of competition metaphors or the sort are needed--competition itself isn't a bad thing--it just becomes counterproductive when every single thing becomes a battle, a fight, or even a "game" you are trying to win. It scares me when I realize I have slipped into "game mode," and realize I am participating in a discussion or a debate just to prove I am a better arguer than someone who rubs me the wrong way. That's why I have stepped away from a number of passionate discussions lately.

Yow, it's hard to keep trying to become a better person!