End of Decade Philosophizing

I have been reading the blog of Lisa, a woman I knew from my old nonprofit work, who has had many challenges lately. It really reminds me of my years between 2002-2007, only her issues (cancer, for example) have been truly hard challenges. She posted this today, which I encourage you to read. Since I wrote a huge long response, and since I have been so down the past month or two that I haven't posted much here, I thought I'd share my comment here. As context, she talks about the topic of "why me"? Why does all this crap happen, all at once, to people who are trying to lead a good life, treat others well, and raise productive children? I said:

Well, my deep descent began right about this time ten years ago. At one point, I remember telling people the light at the end of the tunnel felt like it was only a few atoms wide. It all took me by surprise. I thought that since I was smart, tried to be kind, worked hard, and focused on helping others that good stuff would happen to me. I thought things that didn't go well were because I had made bad decisions, so I worked really hard to be kind and make good decisions.

What the years of partners leaving, friends betraying me, jobs that disappeared or stressed me to the max, and financial horrors told me was that I am NOT in control. No matter how smart or nice I try to be or how hard I work, stuff can happen. I can't make people treat me the way I want to be treated. I can't stop illnesses in myself or my family. It happens.

Worse was how long it took me to figure out that this stuff wasn't punishment for being a "bad person, bad friend, bad spouse, bad worker, bad parent, etc." And it didn't mean that the people who "did stuff" to me were bad either. Things just happen. Sure, it helps to try to make good decisions and keep living my life according to my personal values (treat others as you would like to be treated). But that won't make life easy.

All I can control is how I react to things. I guess this is the same lesson you are learning, too. It sure took me a long time. And still, occasionally I fall back into the panic mode and cry out, "Why me?"

I still work for peace in my home, my community and the world, even though I know there are huge groups of people and corporations who do not share this agenda. I will still fight for religious tolerance and appreciation of the wonderful variety of cultures in the world, even with all the forces who think anything "other" should be squashed. That makes me feel good. That keeps me going.

And I expect crappy stuff will keep happening. But I have stopped punishing myself and blaming others. That has not helped.

Hmm, I'll go put this endless comment in my blog, so it will have content this month.
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I'll try to post more. Really, nice stuff has happened in addition to stress--the kids are great, I really enjoy my coworkers and work (when I have it). Lee is a great husband and very kind to me. I have some fine neighbors, knitting friends, church friends and online pals. We all have challenges. Just sometimes it's harder to cope than others, and this has been one of my harder times. Funny, though, I think it makes me appreciate the good stuff even more.

We have a date! Etc.

Happy Couple
Originally uploaded by sunasak

Mark your calendars: We finally have settled on a wedding date, which will be Saturday, November 29, 2008. That is Thanksgiving weekend. We decided to not do it on Friday, in case people come home on Friday and might be here Saturday, or they might want to have the holiday at home and travel to here on Friday. I think the time will be late afternoon.

In any case, all our friends and family are welcome. This means YOU. We aren't sending out formal invitations except to a couple of older family members who expect such things. If you like unique but not overly weird ceremonies, you'll like ours, which we plan to have at the labyrinth at our church, weather permitting. We have some fun reception ideas, too, many involving foods prepared from holiday leftovers.

I'm hoping this will be a good excuse to see old friends and missing family members, hear some good music, and eat some good food. And we can acknowledge the commitment that is already in our hearts in front of the whole world. We are still happy with each other as we were in the picture here, which was taken at Yuletime 2006, ALE when we had first gotten together.

Speaking of old friends, my new-found resolution to re-connect with them is going well already. Yesterday my friend Nancy from San Antonio came up after an appointment in south Austin, and we had lunch. She shared some of her recent experiences with the people I worked with at the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization. Some of the news she shared was very, very good, while other stuff was just incredibly sad. I kept thinking trite things like, "Why can't people just be nice to each other?" and "Whatever happened to the Golden Rule?" People I used to think were kind, caring and ethical people have acted in ways I would never have imagined. I can't help but be surprised, and I can't help but wonder if I was really such a bad judge of character, or have people been duped into thinking such actions are justified? On the other hand, I continue to be amazed at, proud of, and grateful for the friends I still have who do treat each other kindly, even when they disagree. That's what I want to do. I am practicing really, really hard in a few cases!

Nancy gave me a nice piece of yellow fluorite, which I believe is from that cache in Utah where our candle similar holder came from. it is to be a happy rock, and help deal with negativity. All my other rocks seem worn out, so it's good to get a new one!

The whole day was good. I enjoyed work...the people are very nice. And I enjoyed knitting afterwards, though I had to work a bit longer due to my long lunch. Sometimes, when I sit there listening to the ladies at the yarn shop, I just want to hug them all for being so uplifting, generous and fun. That is one place I have made some real friends with no baggage attached.

A worry. I am concerned that so many of my friends, online and in real life, seem to be dealing with bad bouts of depression. Is there something in the air? Is it the times? Is it just coincidence? I know lots of people deal with this really difficult condition, but wow, the people I know who usually cope or are doing OK just don't seem to be these days. If you are one of them, and you haven't been in touch because of it, know I do care and am wishing you the best. I am always here to listen, whether in person, on the phone, or by email.