I've Got Mail

I have to admit that yesterday was not one of my best days. The disappointment I experienced was due to an error on my own part, so there's no one to blame but myself. "Learning experiences" are not a barrel of laughs while you are in the middle of them. But, I am pushing forward, realizing how much worse things can be, and regrouping. It's what you do. I am proud that I am getting better at dealing with things and have cut my wallowing time down considerably!

When I hit a wall of feeling powerless, I try to do something that makes me feel more competent. So, today I finally figured out how to organize my Outlook email into the system I used to use with my beloved Eudora. I'd save items by year (such as email lists, inbox, etc.) so that they never got too big. I was having trouble finding a way to quickly and efficiently do this, but this morning I realized an easy way (I just hadn't been thinking like Microsoft). So, it only took me an hour or so, and my inbox is nice and small, and email from friends and family is easy to find. Work (or former work) stuff is easy to find as well. I deleted a lot of stuff, like photos sent to me that I saved copies of elsewhere. That makes for a happier laptop.

Now I think I am going to go join the community center gym. That way I can exercise once it gets hot. Even if I just walk or ride bikes, I will feel better. Doing something for my health helps me feel better emotionally, too! Time to go for a walk and look at birds.

End of Decade Philosophizing

I have been reading the blog of Lisa, a woman I knew from my old nonprofit work, who has had many challenges lately. It really reminds me of my years between 2002-2007, only her issues (cancer, for example) have been truly hard challenges. She posted this today, which I encourage you to read. Since I wrote a huge long response, and since I have been so down the past month or two that I haven't posted much here, I thought I'd share my comment here. As context, she talks about the topic of "why me"? Why does all this crap happen, all at once, to people who are trying to lead a good life, treat others well, and raise productive children? I said:

Well, my deep descent began right about this time ten years ago. At one point, I remember telling people the light at the end of the tunnel felt like it was only a few atoms wide. It all took me by surprise. I thought that since I was smart, tried to be kind, worked hard, and focused on helping others that good stuff would happen to me. I thought things that didn't go well were because I had made bad decisions, so I worked really hard to be kind and make good decisions.

What the years of partners leaving, friends betraying me, jobs that disappeared or stressed me to the max, and financial horrors told me was that I am NOT in control. No matter how smart or nice I try to be or how hard I work, stuff can happen. I can't make people treat me the way I want to be treated. I can't stop illnesses in myself or my family. It happens.

Worse was how long it took me to figure out that this stuff wasn't punishment for being a "bad person, bad friend, bad spouse, bad worker, bad parent, etc." And it didn't mean that the people who "did stuff" to me were bad either. Things just happen. Sure, it helps to try to make good decisions and keep living my life according to my personal values (treat others as you would like to be treated). But that won't make life easy.

All I can control is how I react to things. I guess this is the same lesson you are learning, too. It sure took me a long time. And still, occasionally I fall back into the panic mode and cry out, "Why me?"

I still work for peace in my home, my community and the world, even though I know there are huge groups of people and corporations who do not share this agenda. I will still fight for religious tolerance and appreciation of the wonderful variety of cultures in the world, even with all the forces who think anything "other" should be squashed. That makes me feel good. That keeps me going.

And I expect crappy stuff will keep happening. But I have stopped punishing myself and blaming others. That has not helped.

Hmm, I'll go put this endless comment in my blog, so it will have content this month.
[end quote]

I'll try to post more. Really, nice stuff has happened in addition to stress--the kids are great, I really enjoy my coworkers and work (when I have it). Lee is a great husband and very kind to me. I have some fine neighbors, knitting friends, church friends and online pals. We all have challenges. Just sometimes it's harder to cope than others, and this has been one of my harder times. Funny, though, I think it makes me appreciate the good stuff even more.

Trying to Be Cheery

I was saddened to hear that a friend passed away this week. Worried about her husband, their future, etc. Anyway, thinking of Becky's loved ones.

So, to cheer up, here is Beccano's school percussion section playing in a contest. Sure, you can vote for them, if you'd like, but I thought you might enjoy the new band uniforms and his banging (he is the one with all the red hair playing vibraphone).



Yes, marching band season is upon us. The first game was last night, in far-away College Station. We took nice buses, so it was not too bad. The game was really fun--it appeared as if it would be a LONG night, as the other team just scored and scored in the first half. But, then, our team woke up and actually got ahead by a point. But, just for a few minutes. A last-minute try to go back ahead failed, but it was yet another exciting night of Texas high school football. You never know what will happen! The band looked fine, though from the back it was hard to tell what was happening with the show. Next week should be better, and they'll know more. I do enjoy hanging out with the kids. It was so good to be back with "my" bus kids, though I miss the ones that aren't there.

I am glad Lee started his new "real" job. It is a relief to have benefits again. I am wondering how it will go with him traveling so much, but I hope that won't go on too long. It sounds like he will be gone most of October, the big month of band festivals.

And I miss Tuba Boy. I did get to review his first college paper, though, and was quite proud of how well his writing has improved. Still a few too many big words, but I think I wrote like that at 18, myself.

Why I Haven't Been Posting

(sorry about the fonts in this--I pasted from a new piece of software and it made a mess.)

I have been hesitating to write about what is going on with the "new job" and that has meant I haven't posted anything at all. That really isn't fair, since some nice stuff has happened in my life as well as the icky. For example, here's a nice picture or two from our visit to the Wildflower Center. Beccano is also enjoying his guitar lessons. Lee is building another lovely flower bed. Tuba Boy still seems to have a girlfriend and is quite happy, though scheduled to travel during this year's final SAT opportunity. I got the kids new shoes, and me some, too. I do still apparently have some friends, and they have really been lifesavers for me!

But, last week all my work fears came to a head, and all my paranoid worries came to fruition. It turns out they really didn't like me, they really didn't think I was doing a good job, and they really wanted me out of there. I wasn't just making it up based on previous stuff from the job at the dysfunctional organization. This made me, a person with, shall we say, "delicate" self esteem in the best of times, feel like all the bad stuff I thought about myself really was true. I had confirmation at last that I pretty much suck. I started to shake and couldn't stop.

How did I find this out? I went to a 30-day review with the boss, and she just handed me a piece of paper listing every mistake I had made since I started, saying I was negative all the time, and positing that I was fitting in so poorly that I might not get to stay. To be honest with you, it really felt like I was living a nightmare. There was no way I was going to point out that I might not be all perky due to people attacking me verbally or not speaking to me unless they absolutely had to. What good would that do other than make me appear defensive? I did mention that no one was speaking to me, which made me hesitate to ask questions.

I did figure out that some things I had said in a joking manner were not taken that way, and it's easy enough to not make light of freeware tools or act like I am not fond of mainframe software. I have noticed there is a distinct lack of humor in this office, so I've deleted that from my repertoire. I also figured out that my initial confusion during the first few weeks (cause: what they said I'd be doing in the interview turns out to be what I am NOT allowed to do, and what I said was my least good skill was ALL I did) made me appear negative. So, please note that I am not one of those people who blames others for everything that goes wrong. I know I had a part.

But, I was not all of it, or even most of it. Some of the stuff was really unfair, and it hurt a lot. And it upped my anxiety symptoms big time. Still, I need the income and benefits. So, I have been on a campaign to act positive, cheerful and helpful at all times. Not a negative word has escaped my mouth in over a week. I am viewing everyone as real nice folks I love to work with (btw, some of them are perfectly nice, others might not be people I'd choose as friends, but could be fine co-workers minus their grudges). I am guessing the boss may have spoken to them, as well. They are acting nicer. It does help when it goes both ways. I am not acting like an asinine grinning fool, but I am projecting positive rays. I am not expressing any interest in any project I am not directly involved with (another mistake I'd made--thought the whole team was involved in all the projects, so that was another major error on my part). I am not saying a word about any personal thing happening to anyone unless asked, and offering no personal information on my life. Just saying, "Wow, what a cool challenge!" and, "That should be educational!" a lot, about work topics.

I had a second meeting with the boss on Friday, and to her credit, she had come up with some good plans for ways for me to learn more about the parts of the department that mystify me, and figured out some new duties I can slowly start to take on that will also be educational. I told her I was really grateful and appreciated her effort.

What has also helped was that I taught a class in Microsoft Excel last Thursday, and it went well. My coworker who went to it and helped me set it up sent the boss a nice report on how I'd done. And he has said I am doing fine, and that he appreciates the stuff I am doing. He will even talk to me about non-work topics in off moments. That makes one. A couple of others have at least spoken to me kindly. I don't need to make friends at work like I did in other jobs, but I'd like to not have enemies. It just brings flashbacks to the times in the past few years when people I thought were my friends suddenly weren't. It really, really makes me wonder if the problem is ME. As I used to repeat to someone close to me, if the same thing happens again and again, you might want to think about your role in these repeated issues. So, don't think I am not aware that I am "crusty" and "sensitive" and "defensive" and act grumpy when I am facing a hard challenge until I get it figured out. I know. It's why I wish I could just go crawl in a hole, or live in the country tending my chickens and donkey with my man who loves me the way I am. But, we have to feed ourselves, feed the kids, and pay the bills. Nowhere to hide.

So, I have done my best to improve the situation and make the best of it. I have turned my internal attitude around and am, I hope, not appearing as down. I hope it will all smooth over. It has been quite a blow to think of myself as the bad seed at the office, the poor worker, etc. All those years of praise for my initiative, ability to work with difficult people, and quick learning skills fooled me into thinking I could handle the "real world." Really, I think I just misunderstood what I was supposed to be doing, and got frustrated, which I did not hide well enough. Any frustration in the future will be thoroughly hidden, at least until such a time that I have built up a bank of positivity. An occasional voiced frustration comes out of everyone (and I hear plenty in the office--but they are allowed, I guess). And I will keep taking my medicines. They help.

I do wish I could work doing nice things for nice people who respect and admire me, and that the feeling could be mutual. I guess that is asking for a lot: no workplace is perfect nor is any job. I know that. I just had not expected this one to fall apart so quickly and completely. I felt like I'd been run over by a train, and can only now start to talk about it a little.

This rambled a lot. Sorry. I will try to write some less intense things next time. I hope you can understand that being on guard against any negativity, hyper-vigilant against making any errors in what I am doing, and maintaining the constant cheer takes a lot out of me. I worry that being neutral won't be enough (that would be less taxing). It's like being in a play 9 hours a day. Even great actors would tire of that.

Fun Is Where You Make It

A Successful Prank!
Originally uploaded by sunasak

I think I mentioned that we tee-pee-ed the boss's office earlier this week. This is all its glory (since the toilet paper effectively eliminates any way to tell where the heck this is as well as the poor woman's face, I figure it's OK to post). I had the most fun strangling her Elvis Presley figure and hanging him from the blinds. He's fine now, btw. She left it up all day yesterday, and even showed her boss, who was visiting. I have got to say that the department across from mine sure has a lot of fun. They also work hard. That is perfect.

It hasn't been all that fun at our house, but we are trying to make fun as well. I completely lost it yesterday, though, when I got a phone call from Beccano's English teacher saying he was failing English due to not doing his homework. NOT that AGAIN! To his credit he had already approached her himself, looking for ways to remedy things. And he has already remedied math issues. But, on top of Lee's job situation, the massive bills, the drama of Lee selling his old house (it was sad for him--lots of work had gone into it by both him and the ex), the school bus thing (still no apology from the intolerant woman and I have to ride the bus today)...anyway, this incident was the last straw.

I cried at my desk, but thankfully no one was there at the time (lunch combined with the guy across from me having a crown done). Then I cried at Bill when he called wanting to go to lunch. Then I cried at Lee. I got it all back together, but developed a massive headache and sore muscles from being so tense. Thank goodness I had a nice juicy task to do, which kept my mind occupied.

By the time I got home, having managed to do an errand for Lee, avoid an accident two cars ahead of me, and not run out of gas, I was dead. Luckily Beccano agreed to all the things I wanted him to do until he got back under control, and we had a fairly nice time doing homework. I managed to help with Algebra 1, too. It is still hard, but I gave him some tips that seemed to help. All this teaching experience comes in handy at home!

We were supposed to have a committee meeting for the church coffeehouse, but once again, no one showed. So, that looks like we will have one more concert and put it all on hiatus or call it quits. Yay, one more web site I won't have to do any more. I used to really love this coffeehouse, and will be sorry to see it go, but if no one wants to work on it...I guess my friend who booked all the acts will be able to just book them into house concerts at his newly renovated house from now on, so he will still get to be a mover and shaker on the folk scene. Good for him. We need venues for quality folk music up in north Austin still!

So, lots of endings these days. But, Lee and I have our new beginning to focus on, Lee has a new job beginning to hope for, and the kids are still happy...even with all the new homework rules for Beccano. Could be worse. At least no one has tee-pee-ed the house. So far.

Tonight, ugh, long bus ride to Belton for a game, then tomorrow we will drive right back up there for Beccano's percussion section competition right where the game was. Lee will get to come to that, anyway. So will the kids' dad and Tuba Boy, so it should be quite the family event. We will make it fun, in keeping with this entry's theme. I hope we can get up there fairly early and see some of the other competitors. Then, sigh, back to old house or new house work.

Looking at Things the Right Way

Mantis
Originally uploaded by sunasak

Yesterday wasn't too great for my mental state, at least at first. The day started out with dealing with a huge, and I mean HUGE cricket infestation at the yarn shop (think walls and sidewalk of SOLID cricket). Luckily a customer recommended cedar shavings, so Pat went to the grocery store and got some hamster bedding to strew around the place. It did help.

Then Lee needed me to get him paint supplies, so I went home. When he finished his painting for the day, we went out to his old house to try to get stuff to bring home. I just don't do that well. The highlight of the visit was counting the number of types of bees and beetles at the garlic chive blossoms, which was also the goal of the praying mantis in the photo. She is on the fence, hoping a bug strays a wee bit closer.

I'd drawn one of the sneaky cards in my tarot yesterday, the one where the person thinks they've gotten away with something. And when I am feeling down, I feel like I took away Lee's old life, his family, his wife, and such. Even though he assures me I did no such thing; that he was looking for a way out all along, but too lazy to do anything. He'd given up on life until I showed up. And I believe him. But I still sometimes feel bad that he and the ex didn't get to finish fixing up the house they'd worked on, that he won't ever hear from people he's known most of his life, that his son doesn't contact him at all. So, being there with all the memories attached to it made me feel sorta sick (think it also was a virus or something; Lee got similarly sick this morning). I was not much help with packing. The place brings up a lot of grief for me--I think it is a sad place.

Sigh. So, I realized I was thinking about things in a not helpful way, had a bit of a cry, then allowed Lee to cheer me up by taking me on a ride through the area surrounding the San Gabriel River, which runs through Georgetown, Texas, and has two branches. I've been on a lot of it before (there are dinosaur tracks!), but not this part.

We took some pictures on a low water crossing road or two, and you can see a slide show by clicking the link below. (Note: click the back button on your browser to return to the blog)




You can see how high the early summer floods were in some of the pictures, and all the water is way higher and more rushing than usual this time of year. Very lovely and healing.

(The traditional UU church water ceremony went on and on about the healing properties of water this morning--by then I was tired of the image!)

My point is that you need to look at things the right way. And usually I do--that Lee and I both lost some things when we committed to each other, but what we gained is immeasurable. A chance to have a truly compatible life partner and enjoy all the good and bad life will bring us. And, by not being stuck with us, our previous partners also get that chance. My ex already has enjoyed it since he left; I hope Lee's finds someone compatible with her, and that Jeff finds the life of steady work (of the kind he wants)and friendship (of the type he needs) that he is looking for.

Looking at things positively I can see that our decisions are really good. It will be OK.

In happy news: it's not hot today!

Boy Must Be Boys

Last night was the final middle school band concert I'll ever have one of my children participate in (not saying I'll never go to one, since I had to talk about scholarships at this one).

Here's good ole Beccano dressed up as a Blues Brother. There were a LOT of Blues Brothers at the concert--apparently it's such an easy costume to come up with. But, he had the cutest jacket and the best hat (Older Boy's genuine New York hat shop Fedora that I bought him a few years ago). The hat was great, because you could watch it bob up and down as he kept counting the beat. I think the boy's actually going to make it through middle school without failing, too.

He and Lee have so much fun together (he was posing for Lee here). They must have also known each other in a previous life, because they act like long-lost brothers. It makes me so happy to see how much laughter they generate in each other--they both deserve it. They are such BOYS together!

Now, if I could only find something to to bring laughter into Older Boy's life. Since the relationship with The Girl didn't work out in a rather unsavory way (she went for one of the other posse members), he has been sitting around and moping (or mooning, as we used to call it when I was in high school). He'd been mooning over her before she got friendly, was a bit overly giddy while she was friendly, then slunk into silence and staring at the computer screen for the past few weeks. It has gotten so bad that his band teacher called to ask what was wrong with him, and to say he has fallen down so much in his music that he is being downgraded to the less fancy band next year. Older Boy has also gotten so, so thin, and just doesn't eat. So, I have had series of long talks with him, where I manage to get Jeff away (he goes into lecture mode and won't listen to the child) and talk to him like a person, but let him know what I expect: reasonable sleeping hours, eating, and doing something other than mooning.

The thing is, I care so deeply about this child...and he is so much like me only with better self esteem. It makes me incredibly sad to see him losing some of that healthy self image he used to have. I know he feels like a failure at lacrosse, and he did pretty poorly in debate this year...and now the band thing (note: he wanted the easier band, because he has to devote more time to debate next year). But, he gets to go to the expensive debate camp, which I hope will perk him up and inspire him. It WILL get him away from certain influences. I hope going to Ireland and being with his relatives there will be a nice distraction, too. My poor baby. My truest source of joy in life. Having him in my life saved me when I was so far down, and I want to be there for him now that I am happy and found Lee.

Had to pay close to $2K to get the air conditioning fixed, but that could have been worse, and now the incessant dripping out the back will stop, too. The unit had shifted somehow. Of course, it has cooled down again and we aren't using the a/c!

We're looking forward to a disjointed weekend, the last full one before the boys leave for their Time with Their Dad. Lee is going to spend some time with his own dad, but I can't go because Jeff got a late gig the night I needed him to watch the boys one last time...so I will try to go see Lee's dad while the kids are gone. Sigh, Jeff really has been handy for dog watching and kid minding.

Jeff's moving the stuff to his new abode this weekend. Mostly I am thrilled. A little sad to see the transition, but it's a good thing for all.

Fairy Suna

Fairy Suna
Originally uploaded by sunasak.

I was uploading pictures to Flickr, because I paid money and now have more ability to share stuff. I found this sad little image from October 2001. The ex took it. I am wwaring a lovely old prom dress--the only prom or other fancy dress I ever wore in my life, since Corey didn't believe in the prom, and my weddings were both suit-wearing events.

In this picture, he had just told me he didn't want to be married any more, but would hang around a while until I was feeling better. It was at a neighborhood Halloween event. Sigh. He chatted and was happy and friendly with everyone--I hardly recognized him. No wonder the neighbors really haven't talked much to me. (Interestingly, Jeff also chats away to the neighbors, most of whom turn away when they see me!)

So here I am, looking like a fairy princess, in the sunset. It was the sunset of my dream of a "normal" family, which had all been some sort of fictional dream anyway. But, here, I know it.

In happier news, it has been a fine weekend. We had friends over last night and ate food and enjoyed the back yard. It was an interesting combination of people (Lee's tarot-ish friends, plus Work Boy and spouse) but it all worked out fine! I made the best ricotta cheese bread ever,* too--this time it was tall enough--I added more yeast. It is nice to be able to be social, and I know Lee is really enjoying the opportunity. He really couldn't before--no one apparently ever visited him before we were together.

In other happy news, my knitting store friend Cheri is in town, and I hope to see her while she is here. It is so interesting--we haven't talked since she moved away, but because we read each other's blogs, we only need to catch up on little details on each other's lives, not big stuff.

I had great fun with Beccano this weekend, too, just sitting and talking a lot all weekend. He helped me a lot, and baked a cake for the party, which had its misadventures (misread how much water to put in) but it came out fine!

Today we survived the poetry service at Ye Olde Spiritual Community (actually grudgingly enjoyed a couple of poems), enjoyed my friends there, and had fun at a Maypole ceremony on the labyrinth, with Older Boy grudgingly participated in (he's been acting "teenish"). The rest of the day we did various chores, painting, sanding and trying to finish my loud and garish sweater. It was a very, very nice day.

I have come so far since the day in this photo. I may not be tan and fit like I was here, but I am so much happier, and finally in a relationship with someone suitable to me who loves me as much as I love him. I have a future, not a fairy tale past. And I have Lee and the boys to share that wonderful future with. My wish came true!

---

* Des asked for the bread recipe, and I want to link to the book it came from, The Bread Mahine Cookbook, by Donna Rathmell German. This book is just wonderful, and she has 4 others, too, from Nitty Gritty Press, those small cookbooks. There are so many interesting recipes in this one that I'd say get the book, not just the recipe! Lots of interesting whole grain breads. Also, the book was revised in 2005, I found out, so I will get a new copy now--apparently some recipes were improved (I did have one or two not work for me).

A decade...am I a native yet?

I realized this morning that as of today I have lived in Texas for a decade (I live in a neighborhood of remarkably similar houses, exactly halfway between Austin and Round Rock, also very near Cedar Park, in a place called Brushy Creek, which is not an incorporated town). We left wonderful and peaceful (yet corn/soybean-intensive) Champaign, Illinois right after Christmas in 1996. I drove with the cats and plants; XH drove with the kids (aged 3 and 5). Who had the better deal? I think he did. One cat refused to eat his kitty downers and yowled and voided horrible stinky gland products the ENTIRE way. Yowl. Yowl. Yowl. Yowl. How that cat lived another 9 years I will never know.

I know I have been here a while because now I am one of those complaining that all the pretty countryside is becoming tract housing (even Brushy Creek Road, sniff). One thing that remains is the round rock, which is how Round Rock, Texas got its name. That's it, on the left (note that I originally wrote "right"--I am having an epidemic of mis-labeling directions, making it hard for EM to find stuff in my kitchen). Next to it, you can see actual wagon tracks that were part of the Chisholm Trail where it crossed Brushy Creek (the rock was a handy landmark). It's a nice rock, next to a train track and part of the park where EM and I once spent a very long time when I lost that permanent job.

I think I finally feel at home here. It takes me SO long to acclimate to a new place. It took me at least that long to get used to Illinois (I was there 16 years). Of course, the only real "home" is Gainesville, where my lucky sister plans to move. Lucky sister. (Another weird thing EM and I have in common: our next oldest sibling is 13 years older.)

In an emotions of Suna update, I do feel better. I am not quite as worried about the kids today. The Younger Boy visited a friend yesterday, but when he got home, he was happy and enjoying Warhammer with his friends. He was pretty cute painting his miniatures while talking on the phone with two pals on headphones. The Older Boy was at home in the evening, and was really nice when EM and I made a dinner. He ate three helpings of EM's delicious fajitas, and was his usual fun self to talk to. Whew.

It was a pretty rough day emotionally for both EM and me, but we got through it. I was all messed up about the kids and he had a lawyer meeting and other bureaucratic crap to deal with. Thank goodness all we need is some time together to feel better. I also found out someone I cared about at church died yesterday, another friend had a horrible child custody hearing, and another online acquaintance had two grandchildren die in a fire. A lot of sadness. I hope today will be nice and calm.

Stop It, Suna

I can sure set myself off into a downward spiral of introspection easily. I guess that's why I try to keep myself busy--otherwise I start over-analyzing my shortcomings. Just seeing the kids' dad reminded me how little he thinks of me, and then I kept feeling like I wasn't living up to anyone's expectations all day, and I got worse and worse. Also, I think I just don't get enough introvert time these days, so I got some last night. Trying for that now, too.

So, what is good? NJ is surely a sweet and loyal friend, and I appreciate anyone who defends me on my blog, like she and Sandy have done. Awwww. I guess I'll keep them, both. Besides, NJ also loves Bejeweled.

Also good. I finished a frothy pink scarf as a surprise gift for a coworker (none of them read this, far as I know, so I think the secret's safe, and if not, hi coworkers). I put a ruffled border on it, and it is very girly, for its very girly/jock/brain recipient (she's an over-achiever like me, and in the first graduating class of the school my kids go to!). I also got my felted ornaments to felt, and delivered them to the yarn store, and finished the cutest little sweater for a store sample and class to teach. I forgot how much fun top-down raglan sweaters were until I did this one--no seams and just one needle in each size, because I magic looped it. The yarn is mostly acrylic, but a lot of fun. I think it's Spilto or something like that (I don't have a label). There are little dots of yarn that fall off and onto your pants, but otherwise it's nice, and the colors are intersting blends. Another nice shade has oranges and yellows and tans.

Sorta sad. I had to go get all the scarves that were left at the store in south Austin that was supposedly selling them for me. They sure weren't selling. It's no problem for me--I can sell them at Ye Olde Spiritual Community Yule Fest or at some other similar event and end up with some good holiday cash. But I feel sorry for the nice folks who ran the shop, because they had a good idea, to support local artists. I just think it was hard to SEE the place, back off the road like it was. And the prices were high. Because I was already in South Austin, I dropped by The Other Yarn Store and got some laceweight yarn I did not need, but will enjoy working with. Some suri alpaca in muted colors that will make yet another nice shawl. Like I need another shawl.

I have to pay bills, take the kids to the dentist, and do other "fun" stuff tomorrow. But I hope work is fun and that we get new folks, and the old folks come back (worried about a coworker with a hurt knee).

There, I posted and did not dwell on how unfriendly I can be, how intolerant I am of some annoying habits, and how weird it is that I want to be social and have friends, but need to be alone so much. Oh well, we're all weird.

translation: the coworker mentioned above is Genia.

Comments

Jody said...
All a bunch of weirdos, we are. yup yup.I've had some good introverted time this weekend and I needed it, so you certainly aren't alone on that front. Friday night & Saturday night by myself and most of today.I hope you feel spunkier soon!
Sunday, September 24, 2006 8:58:00 PM

sandy said...
Ya know, just becasue your ex used you as a "trial wife" without really thinking about what he wanted in a life partner in no way makes you a terrible person, and neither does needing downtime ALONE. Just a kick from your fellow in weirdness.
Sunday, September 24, 2006 10:18:00 PM

Christine (woogies@yahoo.com) said...
Don't feel bad. I am needing tons of down time it is one of the many reason we do not have kids. Monday I go no where and basically talk to no one. Tuesday I usually have an appointment then spend the day by myself. I am trying not stay at home all day on fridays. I usually goto the grocery and clean up the house. Now I try to let myself goto the yarn shop. I volunteer on Wed & Thur morning thru early afternoon. Remember hub does not come home betw 6:30-7:30 then he is programming, plays PS2, read groups things on the internet. I usually hope he will watch tv with me. Weekends we try to geocaching in morning then hubby spends time programming and playing PS2.Struggle between needing downtime and being extremely lonely.It is a balancing act. I know a person who wanted 30 min free from the kiddios had a timer and if they came in during the 30 min he would restart the timer.Even my mom had downtime rules. Read the newspaper and watch the nightly news needed to be interupt free.Take CareSmile :P
Monday, September 25, 2006 3:32:00 PM

Suna said...
Thanks for all the support, friends.
Monday, September 25, 2006 6:21:00 PM

Anonymous said...
Hang in there SAK, and be proud of yourself that you recognize your need for down time. I am constantly amazed at your productivity! I have been knitting the same sock for two years and could never make something good enough to sell! Revel in your down time.
Thursday, September 28, 2006 12:48:00 PM

Bad Dreams, Bad Luck

Last night I had an icky dream. I was out of town, doing something with NJ. Various things happened, including an exercise class. But then we were leaving. She got in a big station wagon to drive off. I got a call from Dear Partner who said to hurry home, the war was worse, really worse. We might not make it. I tried to yell out to NJ, but got all hoarse (ooh, throat chakra issues strike again), just tried to tell her I loved her. Then I got in a long line of cars, trying to get home, but kept sliding off the road. I kept crying for the kids. Yow, that sure shows what I am worried about in a nutshell! The world is going to heck and I can't express to my friends how much I care and what I really feel. Sniffle.

I am really sad that the TX conference for members of the organization where I used to work is this weekend, and I don't get to go. I could, but no funds, and to be honest, I feel like a disgraced former employee that no one would want to see (other than a few friends, of course--they'd like to see me!). I guess I just don't want to see the Queen of Cups. I sure don't like having to curtail seeing friends because of this situation. But, I am supposed to be moving on anyway.

It is not a "lucky" day. Maybe I should grab a green rock. I spilled coffee all over myself on the way to work, then found out I won't get paid until next week, thanks to no one recording my hours for me, like I had asked everyone I could think of to do. Yeah, none of them are on the brink of no funds, so for them a week's delay is not important. Sigh. It'll get better.

Comments

sandy said...
Well, crap. That's all I can say.
Thursday, July 20, 2006 5:32:00 PM

Deb said...
You were very missed at the conf Sue Ann. There were several sessions that I attended that your praises were sang very loudly by several people. I don't think there was a leader there that did not miss you. I know I certainly did.
Sunday, July 23, 2006 9:47:00 PM

Nancy Jo said...
Um. I gotta say that the "war" that is getting worse might be between you and the DP. And even if you never told me you loved me again, I would still know it. I just wouldn't be driving a station wagon. Hmmm.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006 8:43:00 AM