Getting Rid of an Old Shell and Defining My Own Success

Wow, I am a moody cuss. I had been having one of my periodic down times, and was perversely making things worse by reading the news, reading newspaper comments about the huge layoffs at the place where I am working now, listening to coworkers bemoaning stuff, and wallowing in all the bad news my friends and family are having.

(For example, Lee has ill relatives, Tuba Boy lost his job today, and yet another friend was laid off here.)

I told myself I need to get a grip on my attitude, and shed off the negativity shell just like our cicada friend in the photo shed its irrelevant shell. That means I have to focus on whatever positives I can come up with, and most important, get myself a plan. Once I have a real plan, I always feel better.

I have found some jobs to apply for, which I will do tonight, but a listing about Microsoft training that I saw on Craigslist reminded me that there’s no reason to not contact that nice training place I used to freelance at NOW to see if they have any openings. Well, that was an easy fix. They will be happy for me to do more for them! At least this means there will be SOME income after I transition out of this contract! I can still interview, teach knitting and see if I can do freelance editing, too. Whew.

I also decided to make a list of my successes. So often we view ourselves as successful vs. unsuccessful only based on what our capitalist US society deems important: how much money we make, and our job title. When I look at myself through that lens, I am inclined to feel pretty bad about myself. I went from a director-level job that paid well for a nonprofit to the lowest person on the totem pole doing my lowest-paid contract position so far. I appear to be sliding down.

Defining Your Own Success

But, maybe we need to define our own success, like my friend Diana did with her book on breastfeeding. Women with supply issues may not have a standard "successful" experience, but, if they define their own success, they can feel really good about what they can do. So, in that spirit, here are things which I have decided prove that I am a success!

• Given instructions, I can knit almost anything.
• I have raised two sons, one to age 18, who have not been arrested or fathered their own children.
• I’ve learned to identify many of my negative patterns and to intercept them early (such as panicking when I have no plan).
• I have finally found a partner I truly love and want to stay with the rest of our lives.
• I’ve learned to be happy with what I have, and how to enjoy life, even with fewer resources to draw on.
• I can cook a holiday meal all by myself if I have to.
• I pay all my bills online. That makes me feel really successful and way less forgetful.
• I have practiced treating people kindly, and meeting malice with kindness. And now people seem to like me a lot more.
• I have made a commitment to peace and have stuck with it. I have a consistent viewpoint on that, which spans all sorts of areas of life.
• Great progress has been made in my effort to avoid us vs. them thinking and to not lump all members of any group together. This has led me to have interesting friends and acquaintances from many cultures, races and religions, not to mention political viewpoints. I feel very successful about this.

OK, that’s plenty. If you are having trouble with feeling down on yourself, try this exercise. You may well see yourself in a very different light.

Holiday Spirit

Lee bought me this little tree to put in the media room. It matches the red theme (and my coworker pointed out, makes it look like a bordello, but never mind her--she thinks my red fixation is impressive, actually). Since that's the room we are in the most, I thought it could use more than a couple of lights and some scary nutcracker ornaments. Now I feel a bit more cheery, though we will take down the topper--it's too big and falls off.

I am doing as much as I can to calm myself and bring cheer. I was losing the battle for a few days, I am afraid. Not getting that poorly compensated job put my anxiety into overdrive and I began having BAD symptoms--like chest pains bad enough to keep me from doing anything, and fairly severe dizziness/head tightness. The symptoms seem to have calmed down since yesterday afternoon, when I felt like, hey, at least I got my knitting goal done and I did some decorating. I even cooked soup. I just need to get through the next few weeks--I am sure something good will come up, or I will enjoy teaching knitting.

So, to add cheer, I took a meme off of a nice blog I read by Jo. She took it from someone else. I figure this will make me think about "other stuff" in the background while I do technical writing in the foreground.

50 Endless Answers to Questions

1. Elaborate on your default icon: It's a photo of me with my light-colored hair, where I look very, very happy. I was all in love and stuff. Still in love, of course.

2. What's your current relationship status? Engaged (tee hee hee) to the kind and wonderful Lee. Planning on a wedding around Halloween of next year. But you knew that.

3. Ever have a near-death experience? I was a bit concerned when I rolled my car after hitting a patch of black ice on a country road in Illinois. But, I lived. I am not really worried about it.

4. Name an obvious quality you have: I am not tall.

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now? Sigh, "Let It Snow."

6. Any celeb you would marry? Pierce Brosnan. Nice. Handsome. Not available. Nor am I.

7. Who will cut and paste this first? Lee or Saranda.

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity? Sally Field. That's about it.

9. Do you wear a watch? Yeah, I have one pretty nice one and others that are for fun, but the fun ones are all running low on batteries. I like them as jewelry.

10. Are you pierced? Once in each ear.

11. Do you have any tattoos? Nope. I like looking at them, but don't need one for myself.

12. Do you like pain? Some would think I do given previous relationship choices. I do have a really high tolerance for pain. But I'd prefer to avoid it.

13. Do you like to shop? Yeah, but not too often.

14. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? Yarn for kids' Christmas hats.

15. What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card? Groceries. Whee.

16. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Tuba Boy.

17. What is on your desktop background? On work computer, a photo of the Cliffs of Mohor in Ireland taken by Beccano. On the desktop at home, Scrunchy's giant head. On the new laptop some photo that came with the computer, because I have not decided what I want to make for that one.

18. What is the background on your cell phone? Autumn leaves that are red. Came with the phone but I liked it, and the phone is red. My theme color.

19. Do you like redheads? Oh yes oh yes oh yes. That's why I am one now. Best is the redhead I made for myself, Beccano.

20. Do you know any twins? My grandmother was one. And my kids have some twin friends.

21. Do you have any weird relatives? Now really, who doesn't?? There is a LOT of "eccentricity" in my family, especially on the maternal side.

22. What was the last movie you watched? In the theater, Pan's Labyrinth, at home, sigh, Shaolin Soccer. It cracked us up.

23. What was the last book you read? Other than knitting books...I am currently reading that book about Baklavah that I borrowed from Saranda. It is good, even if the exact title has escaped me.

24. Is there such a thing as love at first sight, or is it more likely to be lust at first sight? There can be some kind of recognition, like you knew someone before, or something, but to truly love them you need to get to know them. I recognized Lee pretty quickly.

25. What's your favorite book? The Robin Wood Tarot book. Well, it's the book I have read the most times.

26. When was the last time you visited the street where you first lived? Well, not since I was tiny. I visited the street where I grew up three years ago when Jeff and I stopped in Gainesville on the way to visit his mother. It smelled good. That is why I want to go home.

27. When was the last time you googled your own name? A couple of months ago--wanted to check to see if something was still on the web. It isn't.

28. What was / is your favorite subject at school? Chorus. Then Spanish. Then English.

29. What was / is your least favorite subject at school? PE and I HATED it. Made me feel so incompetent.

30. Do you like having your photograph taken? It's OK. I look nice in some pictures. In others, I like more accurate, ha ha.


31. What time were you born? 6:30 am Eastern time. Virgo rising.

32. Ever seriously questioned your sanity? I am weird, but I am fine.

33. How many phone numbers do you have remembered and can say off the top of your head? 8

34. Can you Limbo? No. Scoliosis doesn't help.

35.Have you ever killed your own dinner? Fish.

36. How long have you been living at your current residence? 10.5 years. Have been in this town 11 years at the end of the month.

37. What phobias do you have? Guns, motorcycles, nuclear holocaust, being forced to live in a religious society, roaches. Not too good with heights.

38. What's your ideal breakfast? Coffee, cheese grits, egg over easy. Usually just have coffee.

39. Where are you right now? Work. My last Monday.

40. Why do you blog? I like to write and it helps me clarify things.

41. What would you call your autobiography? What's around the Corner? Suna Wants to Know.

42. What's the longest time you've stayed out of the country / where? One Ireland trip was about two weeks.

43. Do you use ICQ, AIM, etc..? Trillion.

44. Do you have nightmares frequently? No, just dreams with ups and downs. Occasional nightmares, but not too many.

45. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Yes - I am a good listener.

46. Which TV character could you be friends with? Meg on Family Guy. She needs a friend.

47. What's on your mouse pad? McNeil Mavericks logo on work computer. Better remember to take that home. None on others.

48. What is your ring tone? Depends on who's calling. Lee is "Wish You Were Here." Tuba Boy is "Sweet Child of Mine." Beccano is Darth Vader's Star Wars theme. Jeff is "Brown Eyed Girl." Everybody else is "Baba O'Reilly" (teenaged wasteland).

49. What did you watch on TV last night? The Colts p0wning on the poor Ravens. Mostly I knitted and talked to Beccano.

50. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy. I prefer comedies.

Need Attitude Adjustment!

Scrunchy Says Hi
Originally uploaded by sunasak

Whenever I need an attitude adjustment, I look at one of the pets, so here's a picture of a pet looking at me. Scrunchy is actually peering through Lee's legs here, which is a very common occurrence. At least you usually know when he's there by all the snorting. Both Lee and I are often startled to look down and see a black head with very white smiling teeth poked between our legs, which means the very stealthy Rosie has come to ask to have some attention, please. She is a very silent animal, so she can sneak up on you easily. Suddenly, under my knitting is a happy, shiny dog head!

Speaking of Rose, no longer a puppy, I think I finally have her attached to a toy that she LIKES to chew on, one of those knotted ropes. So she is getting praised when she carries it around or chews on it. The idea is to give it to her if we find her doing "other" chewing. She knows she can chew on ice, doggie chews, her nylabone thing, and this toy. Maybe that will be enough.

So, about this attitude adjustment...I am simply in a bad mood, and have been since yesterday morning. I have no clue whatsoever what brought it on. I am feeling very Jeff-like, in fact. Like I am crowded in the house, like nothing is set up MY perfect way, like no one is listening to MEEE. While the clutter is a bit high right now, which leads to the crowding feeling, none of the other feelings are based on any truth. I just feel edgy. I am pretty sure it is money and job worries that are being misdirected to being irritated at the kids and Lee.

I have to get the roof replaced, which will be covered by insurance, but there is a big deductible I do have to pay. And I hope to also get the trim on the house replaced, since it appears to be CRAP. And I can't keep waiting. This, on top of more band trip expenses and a car for Tuba Boy eventually...would all be fine if both of us had jobs.

So, let's all think extra happy positive thoughts with a positive attitude toward Lee getting the job or jobs he has an interview for this week--he is working very hard on a presentation for one.

In other us news, we announced that we were engaged at church. Got some nice congratulations plus more than one person who said, "I thought you said you'd never get married again." So, I STILL have to explain myself. It's all my fault, though. I really resent the whole patriarchal ownership aspect of marriage, and the folks who think that doing this one thing makes God like us now...not to mention that I feel pretty resentful that my gay friends who are just as committed as Lee and I are can't do this magical act that suddenly lets you get insurance, buy stuff together, ride buses and do all sorts of other useful things.

On the other hand, it's a good excuse for a party. Whenever we can afford one...that's anybody's guess right now!

So, if you know me personally and I have acted snappy or peevish, please accept my apologies, because I rarely am in a genuine "bad mood." I am trying to crawl out of it and be the sweet, supportive friend, mother and future wifey that I usually try to be.

Feeling Resipiscent

Yes, today I am feeling resipiscent, which was the Word of the Day at wordsmith.org. I will be more pleasant, and not upset any of my beloved friends, today, I hope. And I won't be grumpy at my beloved man, whom I am happy to have enjoyed the company for the past year.

I honestly don't know how I could be so down, when a face like Scrunchy's greets me at the door when I come home every day. Beccano took some really cute photos of him yesterday (go to the Flickr link in the left column to see more). I wish we had some nice pix of the other dogs. Poor blind Gwynnie isn't looking so hot, since she hurt her eye (exterior) and now it looks even worse, and her nails are really long because she is so upset whenever we try to trim them.

The poor puppy (only two months and she will be a DOG) keeps chewing stuff, as hard as we try to stop her. My chair, the stairs and an old magazine holder are the latest targets. And we can hardly ever catch her to discipline her. We put hot sauce all over stuff, which works for a while. And she is very hard to photograph, being so black. Her eyes and nose are extra black, too (but her teeth are so beautifully white in contract). You can't photograph what lovely, soft, shiny fur she has or how high she can jump, or how her little triangular head keeps poking up whenever any of us humans try to hug. I am relieved that she has turned out to be a nice, medium sized dog, and not the monstrosity we feared. One giant dog to trip over is plenty (Buddy is SO big, but at least his big shedding period is over).

So, anyway I am feeling more sane today (that's what resipiscent means, if that was a new one to you, like it was to me), just feeling sad when I read about all the fun folks are having at their conference, but I did feel a bit better when someone said "it just isn't the same." I don't know how it could be--things changed so much. But, I wish them all the best.

We have a fun weekend ahead, anyway. Dinner with Jeff tonight (he is doing just fine), dinner and music rehearsal at church friends' house in Lago Vista tomorrow night, and a lot of driving practice for Tuba Boy this weekend (he is ALMOST done getting his required stuff in to finish his course and get a license--eek).

Love to you all, readers. I'd love a cheerful hello from you!

Just Saying Howdy

Not much exciting to report, other than home improvements, so I thought I'd say howdy to you readers. I guess it is nice to have nothing hugely major to report every once in a while!

Lee spent a lot of time over the weekend working on the media room, and it is now completely painted, has curtains, and even matching pillows we found at IKEA. Poor Lee, I forgot how badly he does in disorganized crowds, and IKEA on a Saturday is probably the worst example of such a thing. I share his issue to an extent, and get around it by focusing very hard what I came for. He was a bit traumatized, but soldiered on, knowing I needed to get certain items so we could work on the kids' rooms next.

And I did get items! A nice new daybed for Beccano, plus sheets that look somewhat like bubbles, so should match his "rain" theme room. His room will look really sharp once we put up shelves for his action figures, hang the picture, and put up the really nice curtains we also got for him. I hope it will inspire more neatness.

We also got nice new covers for the double bed in the guestroom, which will be for Tuba Boy. His room is on the agenda after I finish the office/family room. I feel good--we have made nice progress.

The only other excitement is I did a knitting workshop on Sunday, with Louisa Harding, a designer whose work hasn't thrilled me much in the past, but whose yarns I like a lot. We worked on a little bag using a lot of her yarns (it was like a feeding frenzy with women picking out which yarns they wanted!). The only negative was someone making off with my purple knitting scissors with the crystal ends. Or they got VERY misplaced (I still hold out hope: the red pen I lost came back). It was interesting hearing this woman talk about her career choices, and how having a family affected them. It was a nice break, and it was good to see so many fellow knitters in one room. But I missed Lee and hustled on home to bond with the media room (and Lee's new surround sound system)!

I've been feeling a bit moody--just worried about Jeff being so alone, my dad feeling down in the dumps, and mostly my kids being gone SO long with no contact. I have never gone so long without even a word from them. Luckily, that should end very soon. Whew. Sometimes I slip into defensive mode, too, like everything I do would bug Lee (remnants from trying so hard to please XH or Jeff but still not quite making the grade), but then I see Lee doing it, and realize that is the thing I am trying to not do, and then we tell each other to relax. Old habits are hard for both of us to break. I guess it's good to know we are all works in progress, and none of us even remotely approaching perfection!

I did an interview for another contract at ALE (my previous contract employer, if you are new) today. Mostly I did it because things were so dismal where I am now, but things have improved here, and they certainly have NOT at ALE. So, we'll see. In fact, today THREE new trainers started in the fun e-business division that sits across from me. At least I am not the only trainer in the building any more.

Any day now I will have a new camera and be able to post media room pix!!

Weekends and Looking Forward

I just got back from finally doing some holiday shopping, in which EM and I managed to have a good time buying things like blood pressure cuffs. OOOH--the Younger Son said he wanted to go along with me on my exciting adventures--I hate to tell him what mundane stuff passes for "fun" when you're just enjoying who you're with. And I do appreciate someone who just listens to me when I want to vent about "how I messed up my previous life" stuff.

It's still a lot of highs and lows this weekend--like I posted in my comment from Friday, I think I am having hormonal issues or something--it has that "feeling" like something is making me feel in ways I don't even want to feel. It doesn't help that I had to work today, wah. And that I didn't get as much done as I wanted (no one's fault but mine--any coworkers who happened to also be there were very polite), and well, I actually have a LOT to do on my project!

Probably working so much doesn't help the hormones. I had a lot of knitting work yesterday. Three work folks came in, too, and I got one going on knitting after having a frustrating time earlier in the week trying to learn on the wrong needles and yarn, while last week's new hat knitter had done a GREAT job finishing not only a hat but a scarf (and had made two others). And I got another client going on a hat. I find hat teaching very satisfying. Once you can make one, you are OFF and running, and it's fun to see all the progress and the independence the hat knitters develop.

Our choir program is still not in good shape, and that is sorta depressing--I am having a hard time not having anyone reliable singing my part, but I finally got the CD of the songs, so I can listen. Whew. By the time the rehearsal was over yesterday, I was lucky to have energy to eat dinner and watch TV with EM. (RM conveniently went to a party, which he enjoyed--I am so glad he is socializing and having some fun--he's been really good about everything, and I am impressed.) Nice to just hang out, watch TV, do tarot, laugh at the kids.

I am not sure why I wrote a long sort of reversed chronology of a not-too-exciting, normal weekend, but I think it's because it represents what I want more of (not the extra work or bad choir practices, but the other parts). I look forward to a time where I can just hang out with my loved ones and laugh and enjoy mundane things. With no drama. Whoa, that will be nice.

One more big event: the Older Boy did his first on the road driving this morning, from 6-8am. Poor thing was at a debate tournament all Friday and Saturday, is getting a cold, and then had to get up way too early to go drive. But he did it! I am proud.

Comments

Sandy said...
I hope things work out and you have many quiet weekends ahead of you.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 12:46:00 PM

Sam said...
I like reading about your weekend activities. It's true that even the mundane can be fun if your enjoy the company.I have a sphygmomanometer too (BP cuff). It is old though and I'd really like to have a fancy new electronic one where I don't have to use a stethescope at the same time. It gets hard to manipulate everything.Have a great week!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 3:30:00 PM