Hard to be a mother

I found this picture of a St. Brighid's cross that I have actually seen in person (or one of its incarnations--you are supposed to make a new one every year), at her cathedral in Kildare. I put it here to remind me that I need to rely on my spirituality sometimes, even if I don't have any real "faith" in anything. My hope is that by reminding myself of the generations of women who came before me--tending their hearths, working their magick, and caring for their families--I will be able to get through challenges with grace, courage and integrity.

Last night I sort of forced RM to sit down with me and tell the children that he and I are friends and nothing more than that, and that EM and I are the ones with the emotional attachment. I can tell you that there is not much more that causes a mother pain than to see her own children hurt. And they get along way better with RM than I do--cope much better with his nagging, belittling and need to be superior than I ever could. And I know the Younger Boy has bonded with him a lot. I let that happen. Even though I knew from very early on that RM would not be with me permanently (I'd been trying to hold on until the kids were in college, then I could go somewhere and be alone).

The kids had no questions. The Older Boy was really quiet. He then went up to his room and played Final Fantasy the rest of the night. The Younger Boy got weepy but perked up, and when EM came over later (we got him the cable he needed for his video camera), he talked to us some. We did reassure the boys that RM will be a part of our life and not disappear. And that is true. He is now a good friend, with all the pressures gone and with his new calmer attitude.

I know it will take time. Everyone has to adjust to the "new normal." It will take a while to get to know each other and figure out how we will all relate. I am sorry to have disrupted the family like this. But, it is one of those consequences that EM said we would have to face when we decided that the most important thing for us is to be together. And it is the most important thing--it is a chance at life, happiness and love. And with the right attitude, it can lead to a happier family.

Brave New World

Hello world. It's been a long week and it is only Wednesday morning. But it is a Wednesday when I woke up and felt lighter and freer, and back to happy again. I can concentrate on work, send strength to Everything Man (EM, formerly known as Work Man), and be myself.

What will I do when I can be myself?

I don't know. It has been so long since I have been able to be Suna 24/7 without looking over my shoulder, censoring myself, worrying about someone else's reaction...well, it should be fun.

So, yesterday I did a very hard thing, and something I honestly didn't know if I could make myself do. I also didn't know if I'd make it through the night safely, since it involved delivering bad news to a person with one mighty temper. But I managed to gently and kindly convey to DP that he is now RM (roommate) and that at some point in the not-too-distant future he'll need to move on to "friend who lives somewhere else." He said he had a feeling it was coming, and that, given the big ole holes in our relationship, it was not a surprise. I got all weepy and kept stressing that I care about him (because I DO, in a close friend-ly way). But, no yelling occurred. I am actually really proud of him and impressed with this--it's not how he used to handle things.

OK, enough of my personal drama. Oh wait, it's my blog, I can write about that!

I had a nice time last night at Older Boy's band concert. He looks so nice in a tux!

And on Monday night, EM went with me to sing with that tight-knit group of mine, and it went really well, even if EM had been having a very rough day. I'll be glad to have some better guitar playing, personally. And four voices will be a lot of fun to work with. I sure enjoy listening to EM sing.

Thanks to everyone who's been sending me positive thoughts. Sam and Elisabeth--what you wrote me last night really helped.

translation: I told Jeff as soon as I could. The truth is that I was worried about his reaction, knowing how he gets when he is angry. However, he has been in therapy and on helpful medications, and he was perfectly aware that we had not been a "couple" for more than half the time we were together. This merely brought into the open something we'd not been talking about. I am very, very proud of him and how he is handling things. I am glad he will remain my friend and part of the kids' lives. He is proving what a fine person he really is, and I am thrilled to have been his friend long enough to see him get to this point.

Comments

rachel l. said...
Oh suna ....{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}Never easy to deliver that kind of news. Know that you have many, many friends supporting and loving you!
Friday, December 08, 2006 8:55:00 AM