Milestones

Still sick, but I want to acknowledge the significance of the day. After a lot of patience and perseverance, Lee and I have made it through two milestones as of today:

First, Jeff spend last night at his new living quarters. He still has some stuff here, but it is mostly all there. It's almost "our" house. We slept with the door open last night--both kids sleeping at friends' and Jeff gone. Too bad we were so sick that we couldn't do much more than say cheers with our plastic cups of Nyquil.

Second, Lee's court hearing finally happened today, and he is officially free of his marriage. The delays on that were really hard to deal with, so I am glad it finally came together. Now, I know first hand that any divorce is bittersweet, so I don't expect him to be cheering and dancing for joy.

But, I do know that we will all feel freer to move forward and build futures free of obligations to others. Six months ago, we told each other that we'd commit to making this relationship the primary focus in our lives and get out of previous obligations that were causing us stress and heartache. And just about 6 months to the day later, we have managed to achieve that goal.

We can now get our home, our goals, our future and our families in order and make concrete plans for what we want to do. I am hoping that the stability will also be good for the kids, animals and all the people we know. I know that having all these things done makes me feel like I am standing on solid ground.

Cuteness and My Passive Aggressive Tendencies

Obviously the cuteness in this post title refers to this little being. It's Rose the Puppy, sitting in the winter sun. I took some pictures of her so we could remember her when she was "small" (she already weighs 22 pounds).

I really enjoy Lee's puppy and his other dog, too (very big, but docile fellow). It will take some getting used to being around big dogs!

I am so glad last weekend is over. Just a lot of stressful stuff, mixed in with fun stuff, the funeral (a lovely one), blah blah, but mainly a lot of stuff. So I am just plain tired and staying home tonight. I am trying to enjoy myself, but mainly am fascinated as I watch RM trying to befriend Lee. They have chatted about musical instruments, jobs, their lack of football genes...I guess I was hoping Lee'd rub RM the wrong way so that he'd be more encouraged to "move on" in a nice, subtle way. But, no, we are one Peaceful Family Commune here. At least the kids feel secure. Sigh.

On the other side, Lee had to go visit the STBX and give her the copies of those papers. It was a bit weird. I went with him, just in case it all went afoul, and had hoped to just sit and wait, but of course she saw me and that didn't go over well. After the ordeal of having to go sit in a pretty spot and listen to her tell him what he did wrong some more, she then insisted on talking to me because she wanted to "respond" to the email I wrote telling her to leave me alone. I didn't really want to do that, because I sure do hate confrontation, but I realized if I didn't do it, there would just be more issues with that. So, I gripped a sharp pen in my hand in case she went off on me (I don't trust angry people), and sat there and watched her talk to me. I didn't really understand what she was talking about, other than "Lee is not trustworthy," but I got through it and she turned and left, so I didn't have to respond. That let her feel like she had the last word (the lesson I learned SO well on Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization email lists) and like she had control. Good. I don't need any of that. But I am afraid I will have nightmares of her looking down at me, shaking and with so much hatred in her eyes. Oh well, I am sure many would think I "deserve" it. I had something to do with her life changing, and I know that is not pleasant.

Some of the stuff Lee has told me she said has brought out some of my less pleasant features. He says she thinks my old blog "proves" we had a relationship as early as last summer. That is bullshit. I have looked through the entire thing and can identify precisely the day in which I realized that my feelings really were more than friend ones. And I can identify exactly when we talked about potentially being more than friend. And that was in November. Within days of when he talked to her about wanting out, and I told RM about me and Lee. It was SO important to me to NOT have this relationship start out sneaky or by lying. So, I decided to go back through the old blog and annotate it for the implication-impaired. Any time I talk about me or Lee, I am explaining what happened and what I was thinking at the time. She said she was desperately wanting a "chronology." So I will give her one.

If that is passive aggressive, well so be it. I will feel better making things very very clear. Bad Suna.

Wedding Bell Blues

This picture is of the masterful stack of objects my coworker made today while the network was down. To protect all of us, I cropped out the lovely photo of him and his fiancee from the image.

What I Wrote during the Network Outage:

My dear friend Austin got married yesterday. I didn’t get invited to the wedding, which appeared to be for family only. It is nice they did it that way, but also fits into my history of not getting invited to people’s weddings. I just very rarely am, and have never been anyone’s close enough friend or relative to be in the wedding party, other than my own two fiascos of weddings.

The reception was a typical Austin/Connie bash, with not much food or drink, but a lot of people and a lot of music (though, while I was there, no one was paying much attention to the music). Most of the really good folks were avoiding playing, other than the intrepid Chris Gage and his accordion. I, um, like his guitar and piano playing. I did get to see a lot of folks, since many people who used to be in Ye Olde Spiritual Community showed up, plus current people, plus a whole bunch of our music friends. And Austin has LOTS of those. DP really enjoyed seeing so many of his friends there, too.

Much good happened. I sure got to hug a lot of people, thanks to wearing my hot little turquoise velour jacket, swirly skirt and fancy boots. Mostly people wanted to touch the jacket. That was OK with me, I am needing a lot of hugs these days and put up my anti-vibe guard enough that all the non-intimates hugging me didn’t bug me too much (what IS it with me and not liking physical contact unless I am fairly mentally close to someone? Oooh, she’s so SENSITIVE).

Thankfully the friend who I needed reassuring hugs from the most came through with gusto, and it helped a lot. We both need to reassure each other we still like each other, I think, and have not had a chance to really talk since the odd chain of events happened that have made it difficult—mostly we are with our partners or others and acting cheerful.

Austin was a hugging maniac—as well he should have been! He seemed really happy, and I am so glad for him—he and Connie seem to be a good match, quite accepting of each other’s unique qualities, as it were. What would it be like to be with a partner that is truly compatible? I think I’ve almost forgotten, it’s been so long. And I think that’s what gave me wedding bell blues. I know I’ve given up on that, and lately that has been harder to accept than it was before I started this job.

Oh well, I drank a LOT of champagne, and that blotted stuff out. I also had to blot out my sadness that my “ring of power” broke in half. I knew it would—they all have a weak spot. But I’d been wearing that ring every day for a LOT of years. So, it’s pieces are in my pocket, and I hope to get them made into earrings, which was Work Man’s suggestion. I will order another ring to remind me of my wonderful online circle of women.

I think I am missing those people a lot, too. I don’t get to chat much, and am too busy to email a lot, so I am not participating online as much as I would like to. I miss my good boss Hedy, and Stephanie. And the ones who dumped me, even though I know I won’t get them back. Yeah, yeah, boo hoo. Heh, today Work Man said I was full of Happy Magick (I do see that I make him happy, and vice versa—I am happier than I have been in ages). But I don’t feel that way deep inside, still. I truly am happy, glad for my new job, my new friends, and the connection that I have and all that Happy Magick. I guess I am too human and want it all. But I am too old and have some heavy karma going against me, I guess. I had a psychic twin relationship once and messed it up, starting 30 years ago last August. That’s all you get, I guess.

Tomorrow: Something more cheery, or at least focused on the here and now.

translation: the friend I needed hugs from was Scott. He is a friend. I have male friends. The connection I have with Lee is important to me. At this time, I realized it was deep and probably not going away. I did not know what to do with it. But it made me happy. I also realized how I had messed up my relationship with my high school boyfriend, who reminds me of Lee a lot (I found a picture of him...eww...they look alike, too). Another reason I hesitated to have any romantic relationship--tired of screwing up, repeating a pattern, hurting people.

Comments

Barbara said...
It's human to want it all -- I do too. But it's reality to realize that we just can't have it all- or at least not most of us. Sorry about the ring. :( That seems to happen fairly often. I'm thankful that mine is a version that is a whole band and not as susceptible to breaking.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 10:47:00 PM

Suna said...
Yeah, Barbara, you're right. Because you grow up, life gets complicated, and you have commitments and obligations. And actually, I think I am OK with that part.But when I said: "I had a psychic twin relationship once and messed it up, starting 30 years ago last August. That’s all you get, I guess." I was wrong. I'd like to retract that. Maybe every 30 years you get to try again? Maybe I've gathered some wisdom that will help me cope more successfully this time. I'd hate to have to wait again until I am 78.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 3:38:00 PM

Anonymous said...
Go watch the movie "The Secret". And then rethink what you can and can't have in life.I believe you can, and I don't even think you have to wait 30 years. I think if you really want it, you could make it happen right now.Did you order a new ring? I just got my thumb ring from Wellstone.:-)I like it!
Friday, November 24, 2006 11:02:00 PM

Proud Mom Moment

This here is the Younger Boy aka Art Boy last night at the Reflections award presentation at the middle school. Too bad he isn't wearing his lovely (large) medal--hadn't gotten it yet. He got to go on to the District level with this computer generated art project he made using "Blender." It is a hypothetical scene of night in Ireland. I saw some of the other kids' projects--all had objects on them, placed in spots, while Art Boy's has elements that fit, have perspective, shadows and all that. there is even lightning in the night sky. I am very proud of him--and he is proud of himself. He so rarely gets a chance to "star" at school--I'm glad this worked out. He really is an incredibly bright and interesting kid--just not Mr. Academic. And that's fine, long as he finds a niche to shine in, other than being the Head Wookie in Star Wars Galaxies.

Other stuff is pretty good. I got some new clothing as an award for surviving a very painful dental cleaning, including a very bright blue velour jacket and a swirly denim skirt. I feel pretty cute in it today with the blue snakeskin cowboy boots. Still waiting on job news, but that is to be expected--they are not finished interviewing. And I am still enjoying my dear coworkers. Such a funny bunch.

When I am not feeling really good about myself (see tarot entry for today) I wonder how I could get such nice friends--still marveling at the ones I have made this year at the knitting shop and work. Who would want ME for a friend, knowing how I am not good with words so often, so moody, so emotionally needy. These nice folks (and my Internet friends who have managed to stick with me through so much!) like me anyway. Yay. I gotta remember all the friends are flawed, too, 'cause we are all human.

Long day ahead--gonna try to go to choir after knitting. That is a lot of stuff in one day. And I am really sore from walking into a wall. I do that a lot these days. I get so distracted trying to keep my boundaries that my feet fail, or something.

translation: I walked into walls a lot because I was trying so hard to not touch Lee or do anything I should not do. I guess you don't get many points for trying...but I did my best to keep things on a coworker/friend level. From what I can tell, this was not easy for either of us.

Comments

jody said...
Whatever. I'm *so* not flawed.I can't believe you would say such a thing...heh heh heh.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 10:09:00 AM

Suna said...
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA. That's a good one, pal.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 10:39:00 AM

Sam said...
Oh he so deserves your proud feelings! That image is great! Look how cute he is!!!Take care
Thursday, November 16, 2006 12:49:00 PM

Morning Blues

This is the picture I was going to put in yesterday, but could not upload all day. It's the little cabin we stayed in at the park over the weekend. The beds are back by the louvered windows, which are nice, because you can open the windows and get air but people can't see in. A lot of the cabins are right next to the lake, but ours was next to the road--so it was close to the restroom.

I can tell it is getting near October 31. I get into the dwelling on things aspect of this time of year early sometimes, and that has hit. I am busily re-evaluating my life and finding that I come up short. One thing for sure is I am glad I have the kids--as much as I need love in my life, they at least fill that need. Probably the thing I like least about myself is how much I crave romantic love in my life--my true ambition has always been to find a life partner to love and receive love from and spend a lifetime with. And the sad conclusion I have reached is that it will never happen. I will continue to accept whatever arrangement I currently have, and watch any potential "real" partnerships whither away due to circumstances and other commitments. Must be my karma to have really, really rotten timing when it comes to meeting people I could truly form a bond with. I was handling that well the last couple of years, but every once in a while it eats at me, and this is one of those times. I found myself thinking, "Well, I can just focus on the kids and wait to die so I can try again next time." Cheery.

For those of you who panic any time I express anything negative and feel the need to report it to others, no I don't need antidepressants, and no I am not suicidal and no, I am not incapable of teaching a knitting class when I am feeling critical of myself. I am just feeling introspective and am a Pisces. We're melancholy.

Between this and feeling pissed off at myself for being impatient with coworkers and not being able to shut the f*** up about it, I remain unhappy with me. At times like this I can see why so many friends disappear.

In good news, the visit of the DP's brother is going fine. I guess because I have hardly seen him. I am glad they are having fun, though. And I still love my new boots, and the older boy still loves his contacts. The younger boy gave me a lovely Warhammer ork figurine for my office, and the coworkers seem to have liked it. He sure can paint tiny details, and is really good making weapons look real. Hmm, is that a skill to be proud of?

Little tidbit: I heard a beautiful song over the weekend. It is from a Tracy Grammer CD (hey, only time I am allowed to spell "grammar" wrong) called Flower of Avalon, with songs written by her late husband, Dave Carter. The somg is called "Mother, I Climbed." Holy cow it was a mesmerizing song. Here's the last part,which totally fits my frame of mind:

Lay me down in the dark womb of your love mother,
The years pass outta countin
But no prophet comes to comfort me
Lay me down in the dark womb of your love mother,
I climbed the holy mountain
I found nothing to believe

translation: Yeah, yeah yeah. So, apparently I did a lot of thinking that weekend and realized that sitting there being unuappy in a platonic/adversarial relationship with the other adult person living at my house and focusing on the kids was, perhaps, not my ideal life after all. But, still I was of the opinion that the only person I felt a kinship with was ineligible. I saw Lee as someone who was fine in his current life--and he had given me no indications otherwise. Not a word of complaint. Note the lack of statement that maybe I'd like to pursue or go after Lee. That was not part of my intentions. At all.

Comments

Vicki said...
I'm glad you are keeping up with this blog, Suna. I always enjoy reading about what's going on, including the down times. It's great that you write so honestly about your life. I think most people have the kinds of feelings you described today, but we don't often talk about them.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:58:00 PM

Anonymous said...
I'm glad you are not suicidal or in need of anti-depressants, but if you DO decide to forey into the world of the medicated, I highly recommend Welbutrin.Keep on blogging,Love,Des
Wednesday, October 18, 2006 10:18:00 PM

Barbara said...
Do you know how many times I've thought to myself: "in my next life". The sad thing is they aren't big things, like be a rock star or live in France; they are little things like 'be really, truely happy'. Oh well, in the meantime, I try to find the happy in the small things. (guess I'm in a blue mood too)
Saturday, October 21, 2006 3:27:00 PM

Sometimes I Am So Silly

What a dip--I wrote at least two lengthy blog posts earlier and left them on my other computer. Darn. Well, something to look forward to tomorrow. For now, isn't the dog CUTE?? Don't worry, the dishes get washed in hot water.

One thing I didn't write about in the lengthy other stuff is how I think I am finally coming out of a period where I felt really distant and blank. Little glimmers of feelings are coming back.

One good thing about feeling blank is that you can't feel the depth of despair. But you also can't feel happiness, joy, love and all those fun emotions. I felt caring--for the kids, my friends, and such, but I don't think I was full of love. That hasn't happened for a LONG time. I worked so hard in therapy at building a strong wall around my heart chakra. Well, I sure managed that. It is the only way I coped with how I was being treated at work, the job search process, the Dear Partner's emotional outbursts, losing the church friends...but it did take a toll. How much nice stuff did I miss out on? Why can't there be a balanced approach? Just enough feeling and not too much?

Of course, once I start to feel, I worry that I will start feeling things at people. I still need to have huge, immense boundaries about that. I am not too worried--I have set myself up as an attached person raising a family, with stringy gray hair and no chin, and as far as I can tell that means men don't even see me any more. Well, tomorrow at least the hair will be fixed!!!

translation: This begins the phase where I try really, really hard to set boundaries and not let myself become emotionally attached to Lee. But, the glimmers I talk about mean that I was enjoying myself a bit. No touching has occurred. Just good natured humor. And we got coffee occasionally.

Comments

sandy said...
Hey, can you send Scrunchy to my house? I have some dished that could use a good licking before they get sent through the sanitize cycle.It's good to read that you are starting to feel again. With good or bad results, it is better to be in touch with your emotions than to distance yourself from them.I'll look forward to reading the other posts tomorrow.
Thursday, August 31, 2006 8:47:00 PM

In Memoriam, Mallorn

Did you know, a mallorn is a tree from Lord of the Rings? It is! And the site of my former web host, mallorn.com but, it has to go away in a few months. No longer a money maker, and my pal is going to no longer have his last bit account. No big loss. And my pal will be moving on to better things. I just think of him sometimes and hope things get better for him. He reminds me of a younger version of my Dear Partner. Anyway, I loved my email address that had mallorn in it--I had it a long, long time. Long live boring new email address from RoadRunner.

OK, enough dwelling on past buddies (not that he's gone, still a buddy), there, to the left is the yarn I dyed, all balled up nicely. Now the two in center front are already part of a bag I am knitting. The orange-ish one is the EXACT color of wonderful, ripe peaches. So if you ever want to dye yarn to look like a peach, use all the yellow and orange KoolAid.

Many good things in the past few days, since I am hurrying I will summarize:

• Today it rained. Finally. I had never seen rain out the ALE window.
• I had a big knitting class on Saturday and a small one. Both were great fun.
• I got to go out with my friends Saturday night, and I said dumb things, but it also was fun.
• The dear children, partner and I went shopping yesterday, and I got Robin Wood tarot for the young one and CLOTHING for me. Major fun.
• I met a lot of very smart techie guys at work. These are the smartest dudes in the WHOLE WORLD when it comes to tech support. That is very cool. I realized I missed guys like that (mallorn fellow is one of those)
• Dear Partner fellow shared this article saying tea is better for you than water. Cool.

All right, my hands hurt. Time to go knit. HA HA that also involves my hands. Oh the irony.

Jody tells me not to get involved with married men. Thanks. I have that one figured out, finally. My ideal: not a married, unmarried, or even alive. Nor dead. Just no dudes. Good night.


It's a good knitting week. I finished the body of the Heaven shawl from Knitters I am working on. Not too big, but should be OK once it has a border and is blocked. It sure will be nice and warm.

translation: I have an inkling that I like Lee, or I would not have gone on and on about not wanting to get involved. This was when we were doing the T3 for Vista, and Lee and I spent a long time doing weird goof off things like looking at every house we ever lived in on Google Maps while the techies went over other people's documents. I was having fun with my friend. Not wanting to date.

Comments

KillerPeach!!! said...
That yarn IS the exact color of ripe peaches. And I would add, not only ripe peaches, but KillerPeaches. {heh heh heh, you knew that was coming, right?}Sounds like you're saying you're going to go chasing after the womyn, huh? If dudes aren't allowed, that must be the alternative....As long as they aren't married!
Monday, August 28, 2006 9:39:00 PM

deb said...
LOVE the Yarn. Great Colors!!!!
Saturday, September 02, 2006 2:16:00 AM