This Time Last Year...

1. I started my tarot blog. Happy blogaversary to it!

2. (As Sandy reminds me) I was told I was no longer needed at my job at the beloved Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization. Yeah, but they keep sending me 800 number counseling referrals. No thanks--I'm not good enough to work for you, I won't do your volunteer work for you. I'd been expecting it--I didn't do as I was told well enough, kept advocating for the clients and volunteers and not the wishes of the Board and consultants...well, now all I regret, and continue to regret, is losing some of my most beloved friends. I guess I am not as good at writing someone who means a lot to me out of my life as they are. But, they have a philosophy of discarding people who don't "get with the program," and I do understand that it is a lot easier to have faith in your course of action if you don't keep people around who have other input. I certainly have that impulse on occasion.

3. I had given up on having a partnership relationship that fulfilled my needs and was based on mutual respect. I had decided to accept a practical, pragmatic compromise with a quirky and egotistical roommate who I had once tried to partner with.

4. I expected I was talented and useful enough to get a job with benefits, an office, and interesting tasks to do.

So, lots has changed. I have learned to work in big corporations as a contractor, thankfully found the kind of partner I always dreamed of, and found other interests besides volunteer work to fill my time (yay knitting). I also know who my real friends are (blog readers stand a huge chance of being one of those) and where it is best to focus my loyalties: my children, my partner, my parents and the friends who have stuck with me.

In other news, I saved a sweet female warbler yesterday, who was flapping frantically at the glass windows along the long walkway from the parking lot to work. I opened a sliding window, and before she left, she looked at me like, "What are you doing??" then gratefully flew to the safety of a tree. I love warblers.

I've still been sick, and missed a visit from a friend and a birthday dinner because of it. Today I haven't blown my nose once, so maybe it is fading. The sickness has slowed down my planned cleaning and straightening, but I will get on it tonight after a dental appointment and a dinner featuring quinoa and yellow cauliflower.

We still have Tina rooming with us, and have reluctantly agreed to watch her dog (which has been left at the first boyfriend's house) while she is at her anime convention. 5 dogs. Ack. This IS the most well behaved dog of the bunch, though. I convinced her, I hope, that she needs to take responsibility for the animal and make some sacrifices to take care of her. I really feel like you can't just dump a family member because they become inconvenient. Of course, that is the reason I didn't get a dog until I had a house, the kids were old enough to not kill it, and I knew I could afford its care. Cats were better for my single apartment-dwelling years. I know Tina cares for animals and even if she's in love will remember her responsibilities because it's a LIFE LESSON, right, Tina? :-) Me, being a mom-like person.

Lots to do coming up. We have picked colors for the walls in the media room, and I hope we can furnish it soon. Woo.

Beccano Birthday Bonanza, New Roommate

Everyone Being Themselves
Originally uploaded by sunasak.

So, Tuesday is Beccano's 14th birthday, but last night was his final night here until some time in July, so we celebrated then. We had the generous offer of a family dinner from Jeff, to thank us all for being patient while he found new accomodations and to celebrate the smooth transition (we are all SO very proud of ourselves). Of course, um, we wish he actually had ALL of his stuff out...but that will come.

The photo is my favorite of the bunch we took (go to my Flickr pages under "holidays" for more). It's all the men who have been sharing my life this year, each doing what they do. Jeff is being funny with Beccano's bokken present (there's a photo of him mock attacking the boy, too), Beccano is doing his Stephen Colbert imitation that Tuba Boy is his Emo Friend. Lee is "hiding behind a tree" (from the first photo I ever showed the kids of Lee, one from work where all the team was there, but Lee was behind a tree). Tuba Boy is wearing that new iPod I got him and that green hat he now loves so much, with his band t-shirt. They are all adoring the amp Jeff got Beccano for his birthday (they'll all end up using it). That was nice, since Jeff took all the amps. Lee has guitars, but no amp.

I got Beccano a ninja costume, of all things, because he WANTED one. It's very high quality for the price, I have to say. One for taking ninjitsu classes. Lee got him a really nice flat-screen monitor that Jeff found on sale at Fry's for us. That will make the office cooler--we'll only have one CRT left! Tuba Boy got him a bunch of his fave candies and picked out great cards.

We had a nice dinner at Red Robin, where we met a waiter who is also a drum corp consultant, then had ice cream cake at home. It was a great evening, and the boy was happy.

Today, sniff, we sent them off to Ireland, where they'll see all their aunts, uncles and cousins as they celebrate EXH's mother's 80th birthday. I sent my wishes. We will both miss them. Lee and I have so much fun with the kids! In case you forget my life story, they usually spend all of July with their dad. This year it's early because of the special event. I'll meet up with Beccano in NC at the end of June (and Lee too!) to spend time with my dad at last. Tuba Boy, in the meantime, will spend three weeks at his expensive debate camp in Dallas.

But...we have New Roommate

So, it's like we have a kid, only an older one with a job and a boyfriend. And pink hair. Yes, Tina AKA Chemical Pink (I will NOT call her "RM2") is with us for a couple of weeks, though she will be out for many of those days at her anime convention. Seems she was asked to vacate her previous living quarters, where she was because she was asked to vacate the one before that when she started seeing a new guy. And hey, we didn't want to let the guest bed be empty more than a couple of days, now did we?

Really, she was not living in a very fun situation (living room full of noisy pets, on air mattress on the floor). At least she has a real bed and her own bath (mostly de-scummed and de-baby powdered). We'll probably hardly see her, since we work days and she works mostly evenings at the video store. I could not let anyone who calls me "motherly" have to live under an underpass with her pet cactuses and balls of yarn!

So, we aren't quite empty nesters yet!

Milestones

Still sick, but I want to acknowledge the significance of the day. After a lot of patience and perseverance, Lee and I have made it through two milestones as of today:

First, Jeff spend last night at his new living quarters. He still has some stuff here, but it is mostly all there. It's almost "our" house. We slept with the door open last night--both kids sleeping at friends' and Jeff gone. Too bad we were so sick that we couldn't do much more than say cheers with our plastic cups of Nyquil.

Second, Lee's court hearing finally happened today, and he is officially free of his marriage. The delays on that were really hard to deal with, so I am glad it finally came together. Now, I know first hand that any divorce is bittersweet, so I don't expect him to be cheering and dancing for joy.

But, I do know that we will all feel freer to move forward and build futures free of obligations to others. Six months ago, we told each other that we'd commit to making this relationship the primary focus in our lives and get out of previous obligations that were causing us stress and heartache. And just about 6 months to the day later, we have managed to achieve that goal.

We can now get our home, our goals, our future and our families in order and make concrete plans for what we want to do. I am hoping that the stability will also be good for the kids, animals and all the people we know. I know that having all these things done makes me feel like I am standing on solid ground.

Not Well

Darn, it appears that Lee and I have both succumbed to whatever was wrong with the boys over the weekend. Sore throats just popped up last night, and drainage began. I think he's sicker than I am, but I am not feeling all that great.

At least today I spoke to people at work. Had lunch in the work cafeteria with Singing Partner Bill (because he wanted to ask me to carpool with him, so subtle), and talked a bunch to the IT people, 'cause I upgraded my email client (whee). And I have more to do, too. That is good.

It was Beccano's last day of middle school (he isn't failing anything!) and Tuba Boy has hit the halfway point through high school. This year sure went fast.

Cough, cough.

A Boy and Cows

A Boy and Cows
Originally uploaded by sunasak.

Yesterday we took two very sick boys to visit Lee's dad. We didn't realize they were both suffering from what appear to be sinus infections until we were well on the way...but they got some medicine and were real troopers. The trip was just two hours, thankfully, and each direction one slept a lot.

Here's Tuba Boy (I am told Older Boy is too dull) in his Che Guevarra cap (still) bonding with Smart Cow and Baby Cow. Baby Cow almost went up and touched him (she let's Lee's dad do it). All three cows were VERY curious about the boys--heads up, nostrils flaring, coming as close as they dared.

The boys and I went on a walk around the fields and explored the clumps of trees and the freshly baled hay. Of course, Beccano the eagle eyed found a snake (cool!) and we also found excellent spiders and butterflies. They had way more fun than I thought they would, and they also enjoyed the hearty country lunch in the very authentic country diner. We all wished we could have stayed longer and that they felt better.

Both were very respectful and kind to Lee's dad. On the way home I surprised them with MP3 players for their trip to Ireland (and Beccano's upcoming 14th birthday). I told them that it was reasonable that they had them (they'd merely mentioned wanting them, not begged). Tuba Boy said something like, "Mom! How can I complain about you if you keep being so reasonable! Everybody else complains about their parents and I can't complain about you!" I think, at least right now, I am striking a good balance of being good to them yet setting reasonable limits. Yay me.

I got lots of knitting done (almost done with shawl!!), and Lee got a bit weary and sore from driving. Then the poor dear man made dinner for the kids and me AND diagnosed a bad problem with Tuba Boy's computer. He must be glad to have escaped and gone to work this morning.

I will be taking the boys to the walk-in clinic if they aren't better this afternoon.

We have new stuff

We have new stuff
Originally uploaded by sunasak.

It's been a happy day, so here's a happy photo of me and my very tall teen enjoying our new purchases. Last night we took the kids shopping and he got new shoes a black dress shirt (size extra thin, not shown) and his brother got a green newsboy-style cap. Well, the cap has not come off THIS kid's head, backwards, of course. He looks pretty good for someone with a miserable cold or sinus condition.

I am looking happy because I love both my new-ish sheep-made-out-of-balls-of-yarn shirt, and I really love the shawl that Jody made for me for my birthday. It is SUCH a lovely pattern (for details, see my knitting blog) and it feels SO luxurious on!

I hung out with Jody today, longer than I'd intended, but since we hadn't hung out in a while, it was worth it. Trip to Hill Country Weavers, where yarn was bought, then a lovely lunch at Guero's, followed by a bit of shopping and then a lesson in spinning with a drop spindle. I hope to get better at it, that's all I can say. But it is fun.

While I was gone, Lee and Beccano had WAY too much fun looking at motorcycles and getting B a helmet (it fits me too, eek). B also got to drive the riding lawn mower at Lee's old house and apparently was quite good at maneuvering it. To top it all off, he got to whack things with a machete. Manly fun, I tell you. Boys continuing to be boys.

And Older Boy has been more perky, other than the sinus issue.

Boy Must Be Boys

Last night was the final middle school band concert I'll ever have one of my children participate in (not saying I'll never go to one, since I had to talk about scholarships at this one).

Here's good ole Beccano dressed up as a Blues Brother. There were a LOT of Blues Brothers at the concert--apparently it's such an easy costume to come up with. But, he had the cutest jacket and the best hat (Older Boy's genuine New York hat shop Fedora that I bought him a few years ago). The hat was great, because you could watch it bob up and down as he kept counting the beat. I think the boy's actually going to make it through middle school without failing, too.

He and Lee have so much fun together (he was posing for Lee here). They must have also known each other in a previous life, because they act like long-lost brothers. It makes me so happy to see how much laughter they generate in each other--they both deserve it. They are such BOYS together!

Now, if I could only find something to to bring laughter into Older Boy's life. Since the relationship with The Girl didn't work out in a rather unsavory way (she went for one of the other posse members), he has been sitting around and moping (or mooning, as we used to call it when I was in high school). He'd been mooning over her before she got friendly, was a bit overly giddy while she was friendly, then slunk into silence and staring at the computer screen for the past few weeks. It has gotten so bad that his band teacher called to ask what was wrong with him, and to say he has fallen down so much in his music that he is being downgraded to the less fancy band next year. Older Boy has also gotten so, so thin, and just doesn't eat. So, I have had series of long talks with him, where I manage to get Jeff away (he goes into lecture mode and won't listen to the child) and talk to him like a person, but let him know what I expect: reasonable sleeping hours, eating, and doing something other than mooning.

The thing is, I care so deeply about this child...and he is so much like me only with better self esteem. It makes me incredibly sad to see him losing some of that healthy self image he used to have. I know he feels like a failure at lacrosse, and he did pretty poorly in debate this year...and now the band thing (note: he wanted the easier band, because he has to devote more time to debate next year). But, he gets to go to the expensive debate camp, which I hope will perk him up and inspire him. It WILL get him away from certain influences. I hope going to Ireland and being with his relatives there will be a nice distraction, too. My poor baby. My truest source of joy in life. Having him in my life saved me when I was so far down, and I want to be there for him now that I am happy and found Lee.

Had to pay close to $2K to get the air conditioning fixed, but that could have been worse, and now the incessant dripping out the back will stop, too. The unit had shifted somehow. Of course, it has cooled down again and we aren't using the a/c!

We're looking forward to a disjointed weekend, the last full one before the boys leave for their Time with Their Dad. Lee is going to spend some time with his own dad, but I can't go because Jeff got a late gig the night I needed him to watch the boys one last time...so I will try to go see Lee's dad while the kids are gone. Sigh, Jeff really has been handy for dog watching and kid minding.

Jeff's moving the stuff to his new abode this weekend. Mostly I am thrilled. A little sad to see the transition, but it's a good thing for all.

Beauty of Beauties

I got permission to share this poem, from an upcoming collection by John Berry, one of the wonderful poets at ye Olde Spiritual Community. My guess is it is both a tribute to his wife, who is fading from a debilitating disease, but whose spirit still shines, and to the dark goddess in us all. I thought it would balance yesterday's post:

---

Beauty of Beauties

She is the beauty of the breaking wave.
No longer slow, smooth swell of open sea,
nor first breaking at seamost sandbar,
She is the translucent shell, arching over,
white topped, on its final run to the beach.
It will collapse into a chaos of foam,
stirring the sand, and return to the sea.

She is the beauty of the falling leaves.
No longer single leaves shining red,
not a single tree gleaming gold,
She is myriad bright colors, hill upon hill,
trees of yellow and red, rich gold and piney green.
Singly and in masses, the leaves will fall,
mulching trees against cold, to return in Spring buds.

She is the beauty of the on-coming storm.
No longer is the sky blue, with white cloud-puffs,
nor adorned by veils of grey rain from dark, distant clouds.
She is the norther's fresh, spreading bruise,
rich purple-black to the horizon, dressed with lightning.
The storm will make floods fall, and night.
And, when it passes, sun, sky and clouds will be purified again.

She is the beauty of the ripening grain.
No longer simply stalks stretching for sun,
nor long-haired, empty ears swaying in the breeze.
She is the swelling kernels, golden ripe for harvest.
Threshed and winnowed, guarded in the grainery,
they, in the mill, become flour, added water and yeast make dough,
and, when well leavened, the oven bakes it to bread.

She is the beauty of beauties of every kind.
No longer the maiden standing on the silver crescent,
nor the love-and-battle muse of the golden-ripe moon, bulking the horizon.
She is the dark, comely dancer of the black sickle.
Day-birds will roost in eerie dusk and owls fly
in midday night when her absence steals the sun.
Yet all she swallows, she gives birth to, even herself.

One Less Frightening Influence

Well, Jerry Falwell died. I never could figure out how so many people could buy his line of bullshit, hook line and sinker. He was such a fake! And a liar! And really more of a con man than anything else, not some fellow Jesus was great pals with. I do wish he'd had less influence on US culture. But, Americans can be so gullible. Some of them.

Diana found this today on Newsweek's website. Read it! A real, accurate biography of this person who did very little to better the world in which he lived.

Here's my favorite excerpt:

"On September 13, 2001, Falwell said this on Pat Robertson’s show, “The 700 Club”: “The enemies of America give us probably what we deserve.” When asked to elaborate, Falwell added, “When we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say, ‘you helped this happen.’” Robertson replied, “Well, I totally concur.” Falwell later apologized, unconvincingly, for offending anyone."

This is the best quote I saw on cnn.com:

"He should be erased from every history book and media story," wrote Brian Pippinger of St. Petersburg, Florida.

If I believed in a specific afterlife (who knows? I am a pagan agnostic after all!) I bet he'd not be in a fun one. Or maybe I'll just hope his next life is one as a gay woman of color. Maybe a muslim one. Yeah. He needs to see how the rest of the world perceives things, so he can get some better karma.

I am enjoying my imaginary future for ole Jerry now.

Hmm, there are very few people I truly dislike enough to write stuff like this about.

Anticipation

Anticipation
Originally uploaded by sunasak.

None of the photos of this event came out very well (new camera IS on the list of things to get, now that Jeff's is leaving), but this was my favorite. Beccano is patiently waiting on his turn to play his solo at his annual percussion recital. I love how the drumsticks lie waiting next to his music (the music he'd lost and had to re-copy by hand). Above him is a big, bronze gong.

I was proud of him--he did his solo perfectly (and even the other really good kids messed up a couple of times). He also did a beautiful job on his ensemble bell solo. I hope he has learned something by failing math last 6 weeks. He didn't get to participate in solo and ensemble contest, and he probably would have made a first division this year. I think he realizes now that he has to keep up and pay attention to his grades, not wait for a warning from the teacher.

It is hard watching your children learn hard lessons.

Also, we ate that pie after the concert. OMG. That was one delicious pie. Well worth the effort.

In other child news, the Older Boy has not been talking much, and has seemed pretty morose. I sent him a nice email yesterday, letting him know I am here for him, and that I wish he'd talk to us a bit more. He wrote back that he was just fine but he "appreciated the sentiment." Boy sounds like his dad.