Pondering/Optimistic

I was pondering a few things today. One is why do certain songs get stuck in your head and not others? For me, a VERY frequent one is the theme song from The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson. It is apparently the catchiest song I know. It pops into my head with great regularity, even though I have not seen the show in over two years, since Lee likes to go to bed much earlier than I used to go to bed. Anyway, always remember, "Tomorrow's just your future yesterday!"

Then in a more somber vein, I was pondering why so many completely able-bodied individuals insist on using the handicapped toilets at work. Sure, if you have hip issues, obesity, or the more usual use of a wheelchair, it makes sense. But the last few people I have seen exiting have been perky, thin and quite spry of foot. And no, they weren't obviously changing out of gym clothing or anything, either. Perhaps they are using mental handicaps as justification? I mean, really, what if someone who truly has trouble getting up and down from a regular toilet came in and had to wait? I would be so embarrassed.

In optimism, my boss once again mentioned to me that they hope to make my job permanent. Even in today's climate! They do have enough work for me. And I do like this job. I just had to type this, because regular readers have been subjected to my work whines for so many years now--I just have to share positive work news as well. I have had a great week of alpha testing a curriculum with my two coworkers, and the people who helped were really great--we are actually going to end up with some training we can be proud of, not just something "good enough."

Tonight brings the kids' winter band concert. Ah, the traditional rendition of "Sleigh Ride." I hope the director doesn't get pissed off again and not read the Cajun Night before Christmas like he did last year. I was so disappointed to miss it.

Becoming the New Me

Today I want to share something I wrote in my Tarot blog, since I am sure most of you don't read it (only someone both interested in tarot AND in what I am thinking about my issues every single day would read that, and it's mostly me, Lee and sometime Jody).

But, I drew the two pictured cards (from the Fenestra deck, illustrated by a young Thai tarot enthusiast). They really captured why I am feeling less defeated and down than the last time I had to start job searching (of course, believe me, I realize I may be in for another LONG road of job searching, which is not my favorite activity). Anyway, this morning I wrote this:

Here's the 9 of Pentacles again. She must be trying to tell me something, since she was also there on Friday. Looking at the definitions, I see she is about more than seeking refinement. She is about taking control of things, doing things for one's self and being self reliant. And the Judgment card also has a message that is helpful for me today, about getting a new start, awakening to possibilities, and enjoying renewed hope.

And I honestly am feeling less horrible about being jobless this time than the last, even though the last time was not my fault, and this one I was blamed. I know that it wasn't me. And the Judgment card tells me to forgive them as well as me. They never gave me a chance to see I was a nice and fun person to know, having pre-judged me on limited evidence. I had no chance to grow or feel secure there. I get to transform into the person I really want to be now. Not sure how, but at least now I can. I was so focused on keeping the job so I'd have benefits that I was letting myself suffer, and suffer a lot.

I think that is why I feel relieved more than anything else. I get another chance to find something better. This time I will stop focusing so much on getting anything with benefits and make sure it is also a good fit. Of course, that job I interviewed for so many times WAS a good fit, but it didn't come through...hoping that changes this time!

Of course I am scared, and being me, I slip into self-pity, self-blame and pessimism every so often (mostly when I think about how I have to go back and get my stuff on Tuesday, ironically when everyone else is going to be at the employee appreciation lunch). But I am doing this less, and mostly feeling pity for anyone put into that atmosphere there. I am actually excited about applying for new positions and seeing if maybe I can take over Lee's position or another one like it. And I have a little time to work on my knitting stuff--like a book on teaching knitting. I even dreamed last night of a new way to knit a flower. So, I feel full of creativity and potential, rather than squished and defeated.

Maybe THAT is the lesson all this job loss is supposed to have taught me. Please, let that be it!!

By the way, the Judgment card in the deck I usually use, Robin Wood, has a woman rising from flames like a Phoenix. That is also an image I enjoy and will use. Here, I stuck it in as another lovely image. Sorry she's nekkid, but her clothes boiled off.

Keep sending those words of support, friends, they help. I also got the nicest note on the Ravelry knitting site yesterday, which reminded me I am good at a lot of things:

I am one of your students; you were teaching me how to knit lace while you were knitting the red lace top from Vogue Knits–I just want to thank you again, you are a fantastic teacher. I wish I could just sit at Bluebonnet and have you teach me everything you know! I added you to my friends list so I could look at all the beautiful stuff you make!

Isn't that sweet? I will choose to believe it when people write and say nice things about me, and when they say not-so-nice things about me, I will filter it carefully and find the true parts, and work on that (like I will from now on NOT be accepting a job where I have to portray myself as an expert on something I am not). I won't add negative interpretations to make myself feel worse.

While you are at it, also send some good job vibes to my friend, Tina, from the comments in my last entry.

Local Good News/Bad News

I thought I'd share news from around Austin. I am both disheartened and heartened by it. Here is a link to a newspaper story about how Hyde Park Baptist Church in Austin rejected hosting an Interfaith Thanksgiving Service on property it owns. This had a couple of disappointing aspects to it. First, they'd originally agreed, so the planners had it set up, ready to go and all publicized. Then, when the church folks discovered the service was being led by local Muslim groups this year, they took away the permission, because no one but their faith can worship on their grounds (I guess it would confuse God or something). Of course they have every right to whatever exclusionary practices they wish to engage in, but it sure would have been nice of them to make that clear in the first place.

The good news, though, is that when the service (which is an annual local event with many different faith traditions participating) was about to be canceled for lack of venue, the largest Jewish synagogue, Congregation Beth Israel, offered space, and is including an area where the Muslim participants can do their evening prayers. As the local organizer said, "What a great testimony of inclusion." See, what's so hard about focusing on our common humanity and shared beliefs, rather than on our differences? Gosh, I hope pagans and agnostics are welcome, too--we all eat and like Thanksgiving, too!

It's another small step toward peace when acts of kindness like this get publicity. It reminds us that there are moderates and kind people in ALL cultures and of all religions. Not everyone, and not even a majority, are exclusionist extremists. I hope we can focus on the good part of this event, while always working toward more understanding and less bigotry and intolerance in the world. Little things like this give me glimmers of hope. I am grateful for that, as Thanksgiving approaches.

Optimism

I think optimism can take you pretty far in life--often you get what you expect. A cute story from my dad is what got me thinking about this.

Dad's next-door-neighbor is Hilda (that's not her in the photo--it's one of my relatives but looks sorta like her). She is a tiny, yet formidable woman with an incredible memory, superb knowledge of current events, and deep pockets for the charities she cares about. For years she was president of the Garden Club in the town where she lives--one that has amazing homes with huge, incredible gardens, because it used to be where people who owned furniture manufacturing companies lived (of course, all the factories are now in China, not North Carolina, though some execs are still in the town). So, Hilda has always driven Buicks. Last week, for her birthday, she traded in her old one and got a brand new car. She needs a car because she drives to the nearby hospital a couple of times a week to do volunteer work like cheer up the old people, feed them, read to them, etc. The kicker is that she bought herself this new car for her 99th birthday. Isn't that the best? She is optimistic enough to think she'll get a few years out of that car! And I wouldn't be surprised. She didn't let breast cancer get her down year before last, either.

My mom's side of the family is a lot like Hilda's--we live long lives. Other than my mother, who killed herself from smoking, they all live well into their 80s and 90s. I didn't think Saintly Aunt Belle would EVER go--she was too tough to die (she is the one in the picture). My dad's mother lived into her 90s, too, and most of his siblings are still going strong (exceptions were the hard-core smokers, once again). This hints that I have good genes. I am optimistic that I could live another 50 years, so I am only at the halfway point in life!

BUT...I have trouble being optimistic that the world I live in will be here for me. When I see the effects of human practices on the planet, when I see the direction in which politics is going (I strongly suspect that Dark Ages II: The Age of Theocracy is just around the corner), when I see how people treat each other...I wonder what kind of world I will see when I turn 99 like Ms. Hilda.

To counter this, I will try to focus on some of the good things I see in the world around me--because being optimistic HELPS. Loving others helps create a loving world. Kindness begets kindness. Learning leads to wisdom. I will be looking out for these things.