End of Decade Philosophizing

I have been reading the blog of Lisa, a woman I knew from my old nonprofit work, who has had many challenges lately. It really reminds me of my years between 2002-2007, only her issues (cancer, for example) have been truly hard challenges. She posted this today, which I encourage you to read. Since I wrote a huge long response, and since I have been so down the past month or two that I haven't posted much here, I thought I'd share my comment here. As context, she talks about the topic of "why me"? Why does all this crap happen, all at once, to people who are trying to lead a good life, treat others well, and raise productive children? I said:

Well, my deep descent began right about this time ten years ago. At one point, I remember telling people the light at the end of the tunnel felt like it was only a few atoms wide. It all took me by surprise. I thought that since I was smart, tried to be kind, worked hard, and focused on helping others that good stuff would happen to me. I thought things that didn't go well were because I had made bad decisions, so I worked really hard to be kind and make good decisions.

What the years of partners leaving, friends betraying me, jobs that disappeared or stressed me to the max, and financial horrors told me was that I am NOT in control. No matter how smart or nice I try to be or how hard I work, stuff can happen. I can't make people treat me the way I want to be treated. I can't stop illnesses in myself or my family. It happens.

Worse was how long it took me to figure out that this stuff wasn't punishment for being a "bad person, bad friend, bad spouse, bad worker, bad parent, etc." And it didn't mean that the people who "did stuff" to me were bad either. Things just happen. Sure, it helps to try to make good decisions and keep living my life according to my personal values (treat others as you would like to be treated). But that won't make life easy.

All I can control is how I react to things. I guess this is the same lesson you are learning, too. It sure took me a long time. And still, occasionally I fall back into the panic mode and cry out, "Why me?"

I still work for peace in my home, my community and the world, even though I know there are huge groups of people and corporations who do not share this agenda. I will still fight for religious tolerance and appreciation of the wonderful variety of cultures in the world, even with all the forces who think anything "other" should be squashed. That makes me feel good. That keeps me going.

And I expect crappy stuff will keep happening. But I have stopped punishing myself and blaming others. That has not helped.

Hmm, I'll go put this endless comment in my blog, so it will have content this month.
[end quote]

I'll try to post more. Really, nice stuff has happened in addition to stress--the kids are great, I really enjoy my coworkers and work (when I have it). Lee is a great husband and very kind to me. I have some fine neighbors, knitting friends, church friends and online pals. We all have challenges. Just sometimes it's harder to cope than others, and this has been one of my harder times. Funny, though, I think it makes me appreciate the good stuff even more.

Been Gone

I've had a hard time writing lately. I type so much at work that it's hard to make myself write more at home.

And there have been sad things in my family--my step-mother's aunt (who was raised as a sister)'s husband died. (Interesting relationship, I know). George, who we visited many times. I felt so bad for them. And then my step-mother broke her arm the next night--badly, and missed the memorial service. My poor dad has been taking care of both of them since and it has stressed him out.

Then Lee's sister died. We have been riding in an RV for the last week visiting various relatives of his.

And I have been trying to work this whole time.

I will try to share some nice memories of the past month over the next few days.

Life Snippets

A lot has been going on, so it's been hard to fit in time to write about it. This post is just chock full of little things I've been thinking about or have enjoyed.

My dad alerted me to this article in the Greensboro, NC newspaper, about his long-time neighbor, Hilda Fountain. She just turned 101 years old, and as you can see, still has a great sense of humor. I guess I'll have to take the photo off if I ever make this blog public, but for now, enjoy this photo from the article!


Hilda is really an inspiration. She is so "with-it" and has such energy, even after dealing with breast cancer at age 98. It would be so wonderful to still be able to contribute to society, grow plants and harvest vegetables, and have all my faculties when I reach her age.

I debated long and hard about whether to do this, but in the end, I let Beccano have his Christmas gift early, even though he was once again slacking off on school work. I just could not figure out how to hide this huge guitar anyway. It's a Fender Jaguar bass. with an apparently very cool red head stock. To make it even cooler, he let me get him red Converse All Stars to go with the bass.



The good news is that because the bass is going out of production, it was deeply discounted. Better news is that I could get it at Danny Ray's rather than the big guitar store in town! Always happy to support local folks' businesses. Wow, Beccano is a happy boy with this, and he seems fine about not getting a lot of Christmas gifts, since this pretty much ate up his share, plus a bit. Now he has all the guitars I am going to get him for a decade or so, at least.

We had a stressful, yet fun, week at work last week. The Big Boss came to visit, so we all had to be in the office, looking busy. Of course, I don't think he even popped his head into the room where all the regular people work, but we had it looking good anyway. I even brought cookies, and the Ninja Genius guy made pumpkin bread. In the spirit of Halloween, Tuba/Train Man decorated our collection of buffalo using the office supplies I had lying around. One buffalo is going as the Easter Bunny for Halloween, while another has buffalo wings. The third is a pirate (that is an earring and eye patch on the left buffalo).


Sometimes we get a bit giddy after a lot of technical crapola. I was describing how there had been a mistake on a document, and my attempt at fixing it had made it worse, when I came out with this gem of a statement, "Two wrongs make a very wrong wrong." Everyone insisted it HAD to go on my whiteboard with another couple of little gems, after which Ninja Genius just had to add his two cents.

We survived one of those "team building" outings with the Big Boss, which mainly for me involved not eating fried food and watching the guys play pool in a smoky bar. I did at least get to have a free beer. I did my best to be friendly and act smart, since they are still trying to get me a permanent position. I tried to appear valuable.

At least all this stuff has helped the time pass waiting for Lee to get finished with his endless work trip. He got sick over the weekend, and I know that must have been hard. I hate being sick all alone.

I got cheered up a bit, anyway, with more enjoyment of the high school band. Here's a bonus shot of them in the stands playing the school song, which none of us parents have any idea what the words are, other than "O Shenandoah."




A real highlight of the past week or so came Saturday night. I decided I didn't want to spend Saturday night alone (Beccano had a date to see a movie with his girlfriend and a few other people). So I called Tuba Boy at the college and asked what he was doing. He said it was R's birthday--this is the girl from another country in their group, and it is her first birthday away from home. He was willing to eat with me, but also wanted to share her birthday with her.

So, his entire group of friends decided to join me at the Mexican restaurant near our house, where we had a very fun meal. She got sung to by the staff and had to wear the giant sombrero. Plus she got her first fried ice cream. It was incredibly cute. She is just one of those people whose adorableness quotient is very high.

Then they all trooped over to my house (8 kids in total) for tarot readings. They are all very interested (I had talked to the girls about it a bit in their suite last time I saw them), but one girl especially seems like she may be a real tarot person some day. It was a LOT of fun, though that many readings is tiring! They played with our dogs, which pleased the dogs a lot (they miss Lee). The kids paid attention, as much as college kids can, and asked lots of good questions. What struck me is how very lucky Tuba Boy is to have been assigned such a great group of kids to live and work with. Only one kid who was there was not a member of their "Living Learning Community," and he was the boyfriend of one of the girls--fit right in, though. I really enjoyed being around such a pleasant, intelligent and open-minded bunch of young people. Whoever assigned the living arrangements is a genius. They are like peas in a pod. What fun to get to know them all better!

I'm still trying to carve out time to write more. I just get real tired lately. All that reading and staring at the computer screen, I guess. But I really do like my job, so keep your fingers crossed that it stays!

Best Weekend Ever

According to the kids in the band, this was the "best weekend ever." Things did come out rather magically for them, and I actually had a good time, too.

Friday was the homecoming game. The tradition is for the cool kids to buy or make each other these "mums," which no longer have actual mums like they did when I was a teen. It's all plastic. Here is Beccano wearing one that his friend J. gave him to wear because he hadn't managed to give it to his intended recipient.

Here we see J's girlfriend, who although a freshman, seems to have gotten the spirit big time, huh? That is how you kept seeing kids--some had so many "mums" that they were weighed down, or had created special holders for them. Not my favorite tradition.


Another tradition is the homecoming football game. Tuba Boy and Debate Boy came to that and wandered around getting hugged. You had to find something to do, because the football game was just pitiful. Neither team had any defensive line (our team has three very large boys on crutches at the moment--so large they were in the newspaper!) which could explain our issue. So, there was lots of scoring and watching the quarterbacks run around looking for someone to throw to, since there was no one able to sack them. We enjoyed the other team's band show at halftime, and were thrilled when Homecoming King was the drumline captain.

And we were shocked when after the other team scored a touchdown at the last minute, their kicker missed the extra point, letting our team win their first homecoming game in 6 years. Not exactly a stirring victory, but it counts. Then, at the end, when it was our band's turn to play, their band LEFT (which NEVER happens--we watched the other team last week when it was their homecoming). And worse, their coach kept their football team on the field after the band was announced, and had them doing jumping jacks in front of the band. Then apparently they made threats and spit on the band. Yeah, like the band kids had anything at all to do with their defeat. I am still working on the letter to the principal of that school. What bad sports.

Saturday continued being good. I ditched the kids and spent some time at the yarn shop, which I hadn't done in a long time, and that was good. After that I had a "lunch/dinner" in the middle of the afternoon with two other band moms. We decided we did NOT want to eat any more stadium food, so we got Mexican and figured it would hold us all evening. It did. And I listened to a LOT of band mom gossip!

Then all us band parents loaded into buses and went to Kyle, Texas for another competition. Although it was not rained out, it sure was nippy out. We watched a LOT of bands, some of them with pretty spectacular shows. All sorts of props, sound effects and such. But, when they finally got around to announcing the results, we were sad. They announced all the people in our group through second place and still hadn't mentioned our school. We figured we didn't even merit a teeny little trophy. But, no! The announcer said our band was first in its class. What we hadn't realized is that the last three bands were in a larger category than us (didn't even know there WERE bigger high schools). Now, you may recall that in the last competition, our kids came in last. So, we were (and are) pretty shocked, but for once in a good way.

I must say they did look and sound better. Obviously practice helped, and I think the slackers were intimidated into trying (and some kids were taken out). I was really happy the color guard won, even though they had inadvertently left their sabers at the school. They looked very good with the "air sabers" and didn't drop a one of them!

Sunday I'd planned to spend with my friend Jody, but she didn't feel well. But, the yarn shop was open in the afternoon for the yarn crawl, so I headed over there for some laughs and that, along with working some extra, filled the day. I didn't go to church, because being out in the wind and cold for two nights had ruined my throat. I didn't have much voice!

The most fun I had, though, was getting to go to Waterloo Records with both my kids. I really treasure any time I can spend with Tuba Boy, now, so getting to do stuff with him on his fall break was nice. We all got CDs and listened to parts of them, then had a nice Chinese dinner. I was glad that Tuba Boy insisted I go, even when I hadn't felt like it. And I got more knitting in (I was making mitts for a band kid).

The other good part of the weekend was that I got to talk to Lee a bit more, since he wasn't working the night shift on the weekend. Three weeks is LONG. I hope he makes it!

So, that about catches you up from rainy and chilly Austin. Back to your other blog reading!

Rain Rain for Homecoming

We had a few nice, if muggy days, but today it rained a LOT. Looks like it's drying off just in time for the Homecoming football game, which will be good! I am looking forward to having Tuba Boy home for a few days on his "fall break." I know he will be busy seeing friends and I will be doing a bunch of stuff too (marching band contests stop for no one), but it will be nice to know he's home for a bit. With Lee out of town, I will take all the large male relatives I can get to fill the house!

And here's a photo of him and Beccano from last week when we visited his college. Each of them had bought the same mirrored sunglasses, separately, and had wanted to show the other one their purchase. Cute. I know Beccano will be glad to have his brother around to go places with this weekend and Monday. I guess I don't have Monday off, but I can work from home, at least.

It's been another busy, busy week of meetings and more meetings. But, an advantage of them is sometimes you get to see newborn babies. This is Fiona at 11 days old. She is blurry because she is a Wiggle Worm! Flings herself back and forth all the time. I do love that name, and it reminds me of a friend we had when my kids were very little. Fiona was a great friend who moved back to England when her husband's time with the weird mathematical software company was over. But we sewed, cooked, knitted and chatted a lot while she was here!


I am excited, because next month I get to start a new tarot and spirituality group. I'll get to resurrect the tarot blog, I guess! Probably I should record the reading I did last week on there, too.

I am looking forward to the next week or so, because Beccano and I got some good food to eat at home, and I don't have quite so many meetings. That will be nice. I've been decluttering a little bit each day, but still, there is a lot to do. I can tell that my bedroom and the media room look better, though! And that is what counts.

I'll try to write more after weekend fun.

Still Here

I am still here. I think I am just feeling down, off, or something. But I have been busy and doing a lot of stuff--had a bunch of meetings last week and even enjoyed some of them. I am working on setting up a tarot group that will be a good replacement for some of the community I've been missing lately, at least I hope.



I took this rainbow photo before choir last Wednesday. It shows that it has been raining, at least a bit, here. That's been a relief.

Things are OK for Lee and the kids, though I am not looking forward to Lee's upcoming business trip. Glad for the job, though. It enabled me to order new glasses, which means I will see a lot better starting tomorrow or Wednesday.

Wish me luck--I have an in-person interview for an instructional design job I did a phone screening for last week. I really like my current job, but sure would like a permanent position, too! We will see how I do.

I will TRY to write more soon!

Oh, Do Check This Out!

I forgot to include this in my last post. I may have mentioned my friend Steve Brooks, a local Austin musician and punster (and fellow Unitarian Universalist hippie liberal), here before. He writes some pretty funny satirical songs and poems, and he has a good one that is appropriate for today--about Tom Delay's debut on Dancing with the Stars. I have never seen that show, just heard the yarn shop people talking about it. But, I enjoyed his song. Hope you will, too!

Vacated

That means we went on a vacation.

You aren't hearing much from me because I am still a grumpy old woman (though nothing is horrible, just normal issues and some health challenges). But how can you be grumpy when a cute dog like Bella comes to visit the office? She belongs to coworker Ted, who just dropped by for a few minutes today to fill out some forms. This is a very interesting shepherd/greyhound mix dog (look at the size of those ears!), who was shy but is getting lots better. I hear about her a lot, so it was great to meet her.



Good news is that Lee, Beccano and I had a mini-vacation over the weekend. We went on the trip to Port Aransas/Mustang Island that has been sponsored by our church every year for a long time. We hadn't been able to go since high school started, due to football games, but this year McNeil had an off week on the right weekend. We decided to take the leap and go. I am glad we did.

We took zillions of photos, all of which are still on the camera--Lee has uploaded them but not me. So, here are the few I took with my phone, which are of people gathered at a potluck. Hello, church people.


It was nice to be around a compatible bunch of folks. It reminds me of what I have liked about the church, even with all the turmoil and issues. It's changing to a different type of church now, but these folks are still the old-school slightly weird people who are there more for community than for how polished the Sunday services are. I do hope the people who are there for a professionally smooth, generic service enjoy that...but I am working on figuring out how to get more community and less generic-ness without having to lose the community. It is nice to know I am not the only one with this issue.



Mostly the guys and I hung around with each other and watched lots of birds feeding (really close to the shore--a great view) and looked at what was in the water. I have never seen the Texas water as clear as it was this weekend. It was as clear as the Caribbean. We saw glowing jellyfish at night, which was also neat--they were little bitty ones that did not sting (though something stung me on the foot, or cut it--I have a moist healing band-aid fixing that right now).

We went to one of those sort of run-down family restaurants for some fish for lunch on Saturday, and it was delicious. Beccano gave the waitress and cook a bit laugh by answering the question, "How do you want your fish cooked?" with "Medium well." We laughed at that one for a couple of hours, and he was good natured about it. He got it grilled!

The birds and scenery were so nice. But the mosquitoes were really scary. I keep forgetting about them. But, not now. I am covered in red marks.

Sunday we beached a bit then went to visit Lee's dad for a while on the way home. Getting there was made stressful by a line for the ferry. Sometimes I wish I could fix things beyond my control, but I tend to just accept them. That doesn't work for everyone, though...and it did not help that I was not feeling well. But, once we got to Lee's dad's house, it wasn't too bad. Even Beccano had a good time driving around the little Mule vehicle that was hanging around. Good driving practice! I got to start the new tractor. That was good for me. I felt very tall and bouncy on the air seat.

The vacation was good. I even got relaxed by the end.

Work is fine, honest. I am enjoying what I am doing and getting to do a lot of new stuff. I think I still get to stay. And tomorrow I get to go to the eye doctor. With insurance. Wow, what a concept.

I am just trying not to worry about how I will do with Lee gone for three weeks soon. It isn't that I can't cope when I am alone. It's just that too many times when someone has gone away, they have come back and left for good after that. But, not all patterns HAVE to be repeated, right?

See why I am not blogging much? My mind is in a strange place. I miss Tuba Boy. I worry about Beccano and school. I get tired of people and politics. I dislike having to sacrifice time with people I like to avoid people who I can't handle right now. Mooshy old Suna. I feel sorta like Beccano looks. Wary and gun-shy. But not sure why.

Woo Doggies

It's been another emotionally rough week for me. I am still really unhappy with how people have been treating each other. I am watching less television news and blocking some people's Facebook feeds. That helps. And I had a great conversation with some coworkers at lunch one day that made me feel a lot better about how world events are going and what we can do about it. For the most part, I work with incredibly bright people who can share ideas without shutting down the conversation. I have learned a lot from them, and mostly am relieved that these incredibly bright people mostly see things the way I do.



Other worried involve losing communities I care about. My grumpiness has led me to avoid large group gatherings, so I haven't hung around the knitting shop lately. And the need for money has been leading my church community toward a much less unique format that focuses on growth and recruiting new members and less on the things that made it a unique oasis for people for whom a traditional church format didn't work. I am trying to find ways to handle it productively. I joined a new women's group (where I feel very young!) and am taking the classes required to start a "chalice group" (small group ministry). I hope to start a group that focuses on tarot and spirituality, so I will be able to grow close to a small group with similar interests. I hope this is a productive way of handling my issues, rather than whining or talking to the wrong people who will say useful stuff like, "oh, you are just not good with change," or "it's just an experiment." Hmm. I heard THAT at the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization, a lot. They're still firmly enmeshed in their craziness.



In good news, we decided to go to Padre Island next weekend with a small group from our church. I used to love to go to those weekends in the Olden Days. There are just 10 groups going, so it should be nice and intimate. I am so glad there is no football next weekend so we could do it! The months after that will be band and more band! This will be Lee's and my first "vacation" with at least one of my kids. And our first outing of more than one day, if we can get dog care!

The other thing I am sorta worrying about is that Lee is going to be teaching in Arizona for most of next month. I am glad he got the new job, but won't enjoy that much time apart. I guess I thought these things were a week at a time, at most. I am sure I can handle it--at least Beccano will be here. Guess I will knit a lot.

Well, I actually had a lot of things to write about, but the wonderful rain we have been having the past few days (yes, we sure needed it!) has really done a number on my poor sinuses. Take care, my 3 readers, and if you want to send me encouragement, you know where to find me!

Labor Day. Hmph. Building Dedication. Yay.

It is Labor Day in the US. This holiday honors workers. Well, some of them. It honors workers with traditional jobs that have paid holidays, benefits, and such. These lucky folks get a paid day off work every September to rest, shop and hang out with their families.

However, in the US, more and more companies are outsourcing the kind of work I do. That is how Lee lost the job he had when we met. Those of us doing instructional design, tech writing or editing who were laid off from that particular company (and there were more just a week or two ago) are now wandering around Austin looking for work. Most of us need to settle for contract work. ALE only lets you work 9 months at a time, then you must take three months off. Other places have shorter or longer terms. But you never get to relax a bit and concentrate on a job--you are either just learning one or winding down and frantically looking for another one.

And what do contractors do on Labor Day? We sit at home and lose money. No pay for us. I am not sure how Labor Day is honoring us. And gosh, I hope none of us get sick or hurt on Labor Day, since we have no insurance. And it feels so good knowing most of our country's citizens do not give a hoot if we have any or not. If we wanted insurance, we should just go out and get a REAL job. Um, do you have one for me?

I sound bitter. I am trying not to be bitter. It's hard seeing how people in the US are dividing themselves into factions and picking on each other. Respect has been replaced by fear. Fear of each other and our elected officials. Wow, I did not approve of practically anything our previous administration did, but I did not attack his fans, make up reasons to hate anything he did, or prevent my children from listening to him.

Let's talk about something else.

Look, here are some nice photos. This is Rebecca, our choir director at church, hoping she can avoid talking (she didn't) at a really nice ceremony we had that dedicated the music building (an old school portable building) at our church to our beloved founding member, Bill Sauber. He left us a good amount of money for our music programs when he passed away, so we decided to honor him by dedicating the building to him.


Joe, our music committee chair, read Bill's obituary (from 2005), and then 4 or 5 of us shared some memories.
Here I am with the sign we had made and a couple of pictures of Bill. He was a great musician and very intelligent man. I learned a lot from singing with him. He also was an original member of our church, back when it was a lot of fun and very family oriented. Sorry the photo is blurry--no one believes me when I tell them they have to hold the phone still when taking photos with it!

Ricky, the choir director's husband and official church carpenter, hung the sign. What you don't see are all the "helpers" telling him exactly where to hang it. That was pretty funny. Thanks to Sam for taking the picture when my camera filled up.


Lots of good stuff has happened this weekend, tempering my bitterness. Tuba Boy came home for dinner both Saturday and Sunday nights, and I really enjoyed getting to hear how he is doing, what fun he's having, and what he's learning. I really cracked up when he told me in great detail about how he and his dorm companions built a fort in the common area. What a hoot. They are all crawling in there and watching movies on their laptops. Lots of kid left in those young adults!

And as I mentioned on my knitting blog, I taught a bunch of people at a MENSA conference yesterday. Everyone was darned nice and they had some interesting sessions, like clock making. They also had a margarita machine, so they seemed like a fun bunch. I am glad a nice family from church invited me to do this!

Oh, and it rained twice this weekend. Unfortunately one of those welcome rain events (we are in the worst drought in like a hundred years) came during this Friday's football game. Lots of lightning kept the players and band in shelter (buses for us) for about 1.5 hours, but eventually they let us out and had the game. As you can see, it did rain. Don't we look festive in our yellow?

Not only were we wet, but the game was awful. Whew, our team was bad. That always makes sitting on hard aluminum even less fun! On the other hand, it has also been the hottest summer ever here, and the rain kept the temperatures down. So, it could be worse!

More updates next week!