Woo Doggies

It's been another emotionally rough week for me. I am still really unhappy with how people have been treating each other. I am watching less television news and blocking some people's Facebook feeds. That helps. And I had a great conversation with some coworkers at lunch one day that made me feel a lot better about how world events are going and what we can do about it. For the most part, I work with incredibly bright people who can share ideas without shutting down the conversation. I have learned a lot from them, and mostly am relieved that these incredibly bright people mostly see things the way I do.



Other worried involve losing communities I care about. My grumpiness has led me to avoid large group gatherings, so I haven't hung around the knitting shop lately. And the need for money has been leading my church community toward a much less unique format that focuses on growth and recruiting new members and less on the things that made it a unique oasis for people for whom a traditional church format didn't work. I am trying to find ways to handle it productively. I joined a new women's group (where I feel very young!) and am taking the classes required to start a "chalice group" (small group ministry). I hope to start a group that focuses on tarot and spirituality, so I will be able to grow close to a small group with similar interests. I hope this is a productive way of handling my issues, rather than whining or talking to the wrong people who will say useful stuff like, "oh, you are just not good with change," or "it's just an experiment." Hmm. I heard THAT at the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization, a lot. They're still firmly enmeshed in their craziness.



In good news, we decided to go to Padre Island next weekend with a small group from our church. I used to love to go to those weekends in the Olden Days. There are just 10 groups going, so it should be nice and intimate. I am so glad there is no football next weekend so we could do it! The months after that will be band and more band! This will be Lee's and my first "vacation" with at least one of my kids. And our first outing of more than one day, if we can get dog care!

The other thing I am sorta worrying about is that Lee is going to be teaching in Arizona for most of next month. I am glad he got the new job, but won't enjoy that much time apart. I guess I thought these things were a week at a time, at most. I am sure I can handle it--at least Beccano will be here. Guess I will knit a lot.

Well, I actually had a lot of things to write about, but the wonderful rain we have been having the past few days (yes, we sure needed it!) has really done a number on my poor sinuses. Take care, my 3 readers, and if you want to send me encouragement, you know where to find me!

Creativity Crash

I'm usually a pretty creative person and ideas usually flow quickly when I am asked to write or say something. I have a topic I need to say some things about as a consultant, and for some reason, my usual stream of thoughts has dried to a trickle.

I'm wondering what's up with that. I know that some small sadnesses are making it hard for me to be as enthusiastic as normal:

I'm still agonizing about what to do about poor Gwynnie. Her front half still seems to fine and her back half so not.

I don't deal with suffering well, and when I saw a deer just after it was hit by a car, struggling to get up and looking panicked, it just about killed ME. Worse, I knew the people who hit it, and they were pretty upset, as well. At least I could confirm that someone did call the game warden. This was made more ironic by the fact that we had served venison chili at the Superbowl party we attended. But, I know that these deer didn't suffer. I am fine with eating meat from animals that were put on earth to serve as prey, especially ones who get sick and suffer when there are too many (e.g., those poor deer). I just don't like to see any living creature suffer.

I lost a lot of sleep Saturday night when Tuba Boy did not make it home until 3:30 am. It turned out his debate tournament went long and he was in San Antonio, so it was a long drive home. But, his phone battery was dead and his friend didn't answer either. I was so worried. (On the other hand, he and the friend came in second in the tournament and qualified for State! And he was very chagrined to find out he'd worried me so).

Tuba Boy's car broke down, and he was so scared when smoke poured into the passenger cabin. And I was not real helpful. I hope I made up for it by taking care of getting it towed to the repair place and being there to give rides when needed. At least that did not happen in San Antonio.

So many people are getting laid off. It's scary.

I've messed up a couple of times at work lately. That gets me all worried that this will go down as huge black marks, like last time, and I won't get a chance to stay here. Gee, whiz, Suna. Those were all little mistakes. Everyone has a few of those! I guess those wounds from last year are still overly fresh!

None of this is huge, just weighing on my mind and making it hard to let go and brainstorm. I am hoping that, by writing this down, I can let some of the things go. The car won't be too expensive, at least we hope.

It was just Imbolc, the season when you look for signs that days are getting longer and spring is coming. We have wildflowers coming up in the garden, and I could see to find my clothing in the bedroom this morning when I woke up. There are many positive signs out there--job opportunities (more for Lee, but a couple of little things have popped up for me), Tuba Boy did qualify for State, and Beccano's band sounds great (they are Triskelion in Austin on MySpace).

I'll try to relax and think about that business idea and get into my creative space. I can do it.

Weird Times

People Used to Be Much Shorter
Originally uploaded by sunasak

These are weird times. It feels like all the doors that used to be open and easy to get through are shrinking, like the one Tuba Boy is trying to go through in this picture. You can't just go out and get a good job, and if you do, it will go away to India. You can't safely save your money, because the banks mismanage it if you do. And if you have a job, you were probably forced to move from a pension to an IRA or 401K. This is, of course, all based on the stock market. Bye bye retirement.

I actually teared up listening to the news yesterday. We LET this bunch of goons get elected that have given all sorts of powers to big business. We sat and watched as things got worse and did not step in. We regular folks have just sat haplessly, watching OUR money get mismanaged and OUR country become a lame laughing stock.

I found it most telling that the reason that big bailout thing failed was that both the very conservative and the very liberal were totally against it, for different reasons that combined to make them work together. Interesting.

My personal feeling is that we have to be more parental with the doofuses in charge. If they screw up, they need to take the consequences. For too long we have made excuses for them, ignored what they are doing, pretended things will get better if we just wait it out, and bailed them out when they misbehaved. They have never had to deal with the consequences of their poor decision making and "me first" attitudes.

Too bad those consequences mean the rest of us suffer. I do think it is about time people in the US stood up and said, "I am mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more," though I think all the protests lately are making that point, a bit.

And if you are thinking of moving to Canada if the election goes the way you don't like, think again. They have some brilliant thinker up there who declared the average Canadian doesn't care about the arts, so he cut all sorts of arts funding. As thegenuinrely brilliant (as opposed to the sarcasm directed at the Canadian PM) Stephanie Pearl-McPhee points out, hmm, I wonder who makes that guy's pamphlets and who writes his speeches?

Good thing I have a perky wedding to plan. And Lee finally has work. But I can't ignore what's going on, and it is not good. I can't wait to see how the progressives get blamed for this one...'cause you know the wonderful and insightful conservatives had NOTHING to do with all this...heh.

Eh, Not So Hot

My mental state hasn't been too good lately--long-time readers probably recognize that when Beccano is having trouble, it really eats at me. I don't know--maybe I blame myself for the problems, since they all seemed to come to a head when the Ex left. Then I remind myself he was always a bit different, even before (recalling the year he was terrified of wasps, for example). I blame myself for having too-high expectations of the kids (that they sail through school like I did, that they be organized, that they try their hardest even on things they don't want to do...gee, just because I was an over-achiever doesn't mean they will, or more importantly SHOULD be).

I feel really disengaged from my work--it's boring to me, even when actual events are better. And I am simply overwhelmed. I had cut down on things and gotten some rest over the summer, but with new activities and all the school stuff popping up, plus trying to remember all the repairs and bills needed--my head gets overly full and that makes me really edgy.

Must be that I need a simpler life. I crave a chance to earn a reasonable living doing something I am good at AND enjoy. At lunch today Bill drew me a Venn diagram of that--where there were circles representing what you love to do, what you do well, and what pays well. The intersection was small, but it was there. I need to find it and focus on it.

I am enjoying writing up instructions for teaching people to knit. Maybe that will do it.

Physically I do not feel well, either. Just random age-related things. Back hurts, stomach hurts, ovaries hurt, head hurts, hands hurt often. Gee, really I am quite healthy. Just little irritations bother me.

That's the deal with being highly sensitive. Little things bother you. Then you tell yourself you "should" not be bothered. Well, you feel the way you feel, darn it!

Happy news is I got on the Ravelry knitting community at last. It looks fun, from my poking around. I am SunaSAK there.

Cheery Gratitude

Rose's Poses
Originally uploaded by sunasak

I wasn't feeling too grateful earlier in the week, but today I'd like to say that I am grateful for Rose the Dog. She will no longer be Rose the Puppy in a few days, since she is just about 1 year old. Here she is in her hilariously relaxed position, revealing all her nether parts to the world. Even her gums are relaxed. Nothing is bothering her!

I really am glad she is around, because her loving ways do cheer me up, and if it weren't for going to get her one fateful weekend, who knows when Lee would have gotten around to asking me to go steady (hee hee). She is so fun to watch running up and down the stairs, putting her head in funny positions to try to get petted, and playing with the other dogs. And she ended up such a nice size--not too big, not too small.

Other than the destruction she has caused among my prized wooden furniture and the couch, she's been great. She sits, lies down and comes when called. She goes into her crate upon request. She even let me bathe her after her little episode with doggie pooparama. And, I THINK she is chewing less. I hope so. We have finally caught her a few times and let her know in no uncertain terms that it is NOT the thing to do.

So, I am glad Rose is in my life. She is something Lee and I sort of share.

Other Stuff

I guess everything's OK. Had to chat with Tuba Boy about running around with friends and not letting me know where he is. He genuinely didn't seem to realize he should let me know, but was grateful that we cared--compared us to friends' parents, one set of whom he labeled "not very good parents" and the other "they don't get along." I think he is glad to have people who care about him.

I worry about Lee a lot. It is a really rough time for him. Having to see his lovely former spouse (who seems to believe I am after him for his money, snort--she told him not to give me anything for three months--where does this come from???). Having to close on his old house. Having to keep trudging along looking for work and waiting for interview calls. All has to be pretty stressful. And he keeps helping around the house with the endless band errands, cooking, painting and generally being supportive. That's a lot. Well, at least he knows he's appreciated, 'cause he is!

Little Concern, Potential Big Fun

Last night I auditioned to be in the Round Rock Community Chorus. I'd been thinking of doing that for years, but a guy at my current job (one of the few people who ever talk to me) kept encouraging me, telling me he and his spouse really enjoyed it. And since my trio/quartet doesn't seem to practice or try to perform other than on rare occasions now, I felt like I could use another singing outlet besides church choir.

Note that I love the church choir, really enjoy the people in it, and like to help. But, most of the music is not very challenging. And we rarely sound all that good, given our small size and mix of skills. Still, it's a nice outlet and I honestly think it is GREAT to give anyone who wants to sing a chance!

I have sung in a couple of large choral things since coming to Austin, and really liked doing it. But the one I did, the Texas Choral Consort (GREAT director, Barry Williamson--and hey, they have a performance this weekend) was very intense--many meetings over a short period, then a performance. Then nothing for a while. And rehearsals were pretty far away (to me). This one meets weekly and does two shows a year, and the rehearsal space is only a few miles down the road. Costs less, too (money pays for sheet music!).

So, I went to the director's house in a lovely part of older Round Rock and did warm ups and sang "My Country Tis of Thee." Not a big stretch. I sounded mostly fine--my normal reasonably competent singing, but there was a problem. High notes just would not come out. Notes that normally are not an issue for me at all came out all scratchy or not at all. I tried everything I knew, breathing better, opening my mouth more, opening my throat more. YIKES!

I sure hope it is just some allergy-related issue or a temporary glitch, and not a sign that I am losing my singing voice. I was not nervous or anything--just couldn't sing above a certain point.

I just la'd a bit. I seem OK now. Fingers are crossed.

Anyway, I am in as a first alto, which sounds fun and is usually the harder alto part. Rock on, Suna. I can't wait to sing with a lot of people! I hope it is fun.