My mental state hasn't been too good lately--long-time readers probably recognize that when Beccano is having trouble, it really eats at me. I don't know--maybe I blame myself for the problems, since they all seemed to come to a head when the Ex left. Then I remind myself he was always a bit different, even before (recalling the year he was terrified of wasps, for example). I blame myself for having too-high expectations of the kids (that they sail through school like I did, that they be organized, that they try their hardest even on things they don't want to do...gee, just because I was an over-achiever doesn't mean they will, or more importantly SHOULD be).
I feel really disengaged from my work--it's boring to me, even when actual events are better. And I am simply overwhelmed. I had cut down on things and gotten some rest over the summer, but with new activities and all the school stuff popping up, plus trying to remember all the repairs and bills needed--my head gets overly full and that makes me really edgy.
Must be that I need a simpler life. I crave a chance to earn a reasonable living doing something I am good at AND enjoy. At lunch today Bill drew me a Venn diagram of that--where there were circles representing what you love to do, what you do well, and what pays well. The intersection was small, but it was there. I need to find it and focus on it.
I am enjoying writing up instructions for teaching people to knit. Maybe that will do it.
Physically I do not feel well, either. Just random age-related things. Back hurts, stomach hurts, ovaries hurt, head hurts, hands hurt often. Gee, really I am quite healthy. Just little irritations bother me.
That's the deal with being highly sensitive. Little things bother you. Then you tell yourself you "should" not be bothered. Well, you feel the way you feel, darn it!
Happy news is I got on the Ravelry knitting community at last. It looks fun, from my poking around. I am SunaSAK there.
3 comments:
Funny you write about craving a more simple life. I was thinking the exact same thing for myself just yesterday. I was trying to figure out how I could manage getting rid of most everything we don't need and quietly moving somewhere more slow-paced and grounded.
Back to thinking about the commune/living area for all of us and our families. A girl can dream, can't she??
When I read this post yesterday I did have a chuckle knowing we both spent the weekend in similar states of mind. You are absolutely right- we are both good parents, and I do believe that things will turn out ok. I think we have a lot to offer our kids as a result of our childhood hurts, natural tendencies towards being sensitive perfectionists, *and* because we are so willing to look at our selves to try not to instill the same things in our kids (and yet be empathetic if they do).
I think for highly sensitive people a simpler life is crucial. And sometimes just focusing on one thing at a time helps me get through. You've been (out of necessity) dealing and doing so much lately. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you both. Your support means a lot to me, especially knowing how your parenting and other values are so similar to mine.
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