Why I Haven't Been Posting

(sorry about the fonts in this--I pasted from a new piece of software and it made a mess.)

I have been hesitating to write about what is going on with the "new job" and that has meant I haven't posted anything at all. That really isn't fair, since some nice stuff has happened in my life as well as the icky. For example, here's a nice picture or two from our visit to the Wildflower Center. Beccano is also enjoying his guitar lessons. Lee is building another lovely flower bed. Tuba Boy still seems to have a girlfriend and is quite happy, though scheduled to travel during this year's final SAT opportunity. I got the kids new shoes, and me some, too. I do still apparently have some friends, and they have really been lifesavers for me!

But, last week all my work fears came to a head, and all my paranoid worries came to fruition. It turns out they really didn't like me, they really didn't think I was doing a good job, and they really wanted me out of there. I wasn't just making it up based on previous stuff from the job at the dysfunctional organization. This made me, a person with, shall we say, "delicate" self esteem in the best of times, feel like all the bad stuff I thought about myself really was true. I had confirmation at last that I pretty much suck. I started to shake and couldn't stop.

How did I find this out? I went to a 30-day review with the boss, and she just handed me a piece of paper listing every mistake I had made since I started, saying I was negative all the time, and positing that I was fitting in so poorly that I might not get to stay. To be honest with you, it really felt like I was living a nightmare. There was no way I was going to point out that I might not be all perky due to people attacking me verbally or not speaking to me unless they absolutely had to. What good would that do other than make me appear defensive? I did mention that no one was speaking to me, which made me hesitate to ask questions.

I did figure out that some things I had said in a joking manner were not taken that way, and it's easy enough to not make light of freeware tools or act like I am not fond of mainframe software. I have noticed there is a distinct lack of humor in this office, so I've deleted that from my repertoire. I also figured out that my initial confusion during the first few weeks (cause: what they said I'd be doing in the interview turns out to be what I am NOT allowed to do, and what I said was my least good skill was ALL I did) made me appear negative. So, please note that I am not one of those people who blames others for everything that goes wrong. I know I had a part.

But, I was not all of it, or even most of it. Some of the stuff was really unfair, and it hurt a lot. And it upped my anxiety symptoms big time. Still, I need the income and benefits. So, I have been on a campaign to act positive, cheerful and helpful at all times. Not a negative word has escaped my mouth in over a week. I am viewing everyone as real nice folks I love to work with (btw, some of them are perfectly nice, others might not be people I'd choose as friends, but could be fine co-workers minus their grudges). I am guessing the boss may have spoken to them, as well. They are acting nicer. It does help when it goes both ways. I am not acting like an asinine grinning fool, but I am projecting positive rays. I am not expressing any interest in any project I am not directly involved with (another mistake I'd made--thought the whole team was involved in all the projects, so that was another major error on my part). I am not saying a word about any personal thing happening to anyone unless asked, and offering no personal information on my life. Just saying, "Wow, what a cool challenge!" and, "That should be educational!" a lot, about work topics.

I had a second meeting with the boss on Friday, and to her credit, she had come up with some good plans for ways for me to learn more about the parts of the department that mystify me, and figured out some new duties I can slowly start to take on that will also be educational. I told her I was really grateful and appreciated her effort.

What has also helped was that I taught a class in Microsoft Excel last Thursday, and it went well. My coworker who went to it and helped me set it up sent the boss a nice report on how I'd done. And he has said I am doing fine, and that he appreciates the stuff I am doing. He will even talk to me about non-work topics in off moments. That makes one. A couple of others have at least spoken to me kindly. I don't need to make friends at work like I did in other jobs, but I'd like to not have enemies. It just brings flashbacks to the times in the past few years when people I thought were my friends suddenly weren't. It really, really makes me wonder if the problem is ME. As I used to repeat to someone close to me, if the same thing happens again and again, you might want to think about your role in these repeated issues. So, don't think I am not aware that I am "crusty" and "sensitive" and "defensive" and act grumpy when I am facing a hard challenge until I get it figured out. I know. It's why I wish I could just go crawl in a hole, or live in the country tending my chickens and donkey with my man who loves me the way I am. But, we have to feed ourselves, feed the kids, and pay the bills. Nowhere to hide.

So, I have done my best to improve the situation and make the best of it. I have turned my internal attitude around and am, I hope, not appearing as down. I hope it will all smooth over. It has been quite a blow to think of myself as the bad seed at the office, the poor worker, etc. All those years of praise for my initiative, ability to work with difficult people, and quick learning skills fooled me into thinking I could handle the "real world." Really, I think I just misunderstood what I was supposed to be doing, and got frustrated, which I did not hide well enough. Any frustration in the future will be thoroughly hidden, at least until such a time that I have built up a bank of positivity. An occasional voiced frustration comes out of everyone (and I hear plenty in the office--but they are allowed, I guess). And I will keep taking my medicines. They help.

I do wish I could work doing nice things for nice people who respect and admire me, and that the feeling could be mutual. I guess that is asking for a lot: no workplace is perfect nor is any job. I know that. I just had not expected this one to fall apart so quickly and completely. I felt like I'd been run over by a train, and can only now start to talk about it a little.

This rambled a lot. Sorry. I will try to write some less intense things next time. I hope you can understand that being on guard against any negativity, hyper-vigilant against making any errors in what I am doing, and maintaining the constant cheer takes a lot out of me. I worry that being neutral won't be enough (that would be less taxing). It's like being in a play 9 hours a day. Even great actors would tire of that.

Eh, Not So Hot

My mental state hasn't been too good lately--long-time readers probably recognize that when Beccano is having trouble, it really eats at me. I don't know--maybe I blame myself for the problems, since they all seemed to come to a head when the Ex left. Then I remind myself he was always a bit different, even before (recalling the year he was terrified of wasps, for example). I blame myself for having too-high expectations of the kids (that they sail through school like I did, that they be organized, that they try their hardest even on things they don't want to do...gee, just because I was an over-achiever doesn't mean they will, or more importantly SHOULD be).

I feel really disengaged from my work--it's boring to me, even when actual events are better. And I am simply overwhelmed. I had cut down on things and gotten some rest over the summer, but with new activities and all the school stuff popping up, plus trying to remember all the repairs and bills needed--my head gets overly full and that makes me really edgy.

Must be that I need a simpler life. I crave a chance to earn a reasonable living doing something I am good at AND enjoy. At lunch today Bill drew me a Venn diagram of that--where there were circles representing what you love to do, what you do well, and what pays well. The intersection was small, but it was there. I need to find it and focus on it.

I am enjoying writing up instructions for teaching people to knit. Maybe that will do it.

Physically I do not feel well, either. Just random age-related things. Back hurts, stomach hurts, ovaries hurt, head hurts, hands hurt often. Gee, really I am quite healthy. Just little irritations bother me.

That's the deal with being highly sensitive. Little things bother you. Then you tell yourself you "should" not be bothered. Well, you feel the way you feel, darn it!

Happy news is I got on the Ravelry knitting community at last. It looks fun, from my poking around. I am SunaSAK there.

Piscean/Virgoan Angst (self indulgent whining)

Today it comes as no real surprise to me that I am not feeling so hot. It's been a fine week, and I have been doing what I can to preclude this set of feelings from coming up by taking it easy and limiting my exposure to new people, etc. (For example, I didn't go with Lee and the boys to a coworker's house to play a role playing board game, because I wasn't up to seeing new people, only to find out there was a knitting person there!)

I was glad to give Lee and the kids a couple of chances to do things together without me around, like the Harry Potter movie and that get-together.

I sorta messed up by going to the yarn shop as usual after work yesterday. As I watched person after person arrive and walk right by the table where I and a couple of others were sitting and head to the back, I had to really fight of my typical paranoia that it was ME they were avoiding. Of course, I have no idea what I could have done to bug them, but it was very odd that a couple of people literally did not speak to me the whole time they were there. I know this paranoia that "no one likes me" is a ME issue that got reinforced with my bad experience at Ye Olde Spiritual Community a few years back and doubly enforced with how my nonprofit organization job ended. Plus the negative feedback that four years with a rather judgmental partner (with his own issues). That combined could make anyone feel unworthy of love or friendship.

And then there is the Piscean tendency to wallow in emotions and indulge in pity parties, justifiable or not! (The Pisces mandala above should have faces like on the Wheel of Fortune tarot card in Robin Wood's interpretation.)

Of course, Pisces is one of those dual signs. I have my logical and my intuitive halves duking it out most of the time anyway, assisted by really strong Virgo stuff (moon and ascendant, for any of you who give a rat's patoot about astrology).

So whenever I get these intuitions that send me into an emotional spiral, the other half of me starts internally poking fun at that, and then I get all irritated at my little irrational self. ("Of course people like you, and that personal and job stuff was not all your fault--other people had something to do with it, too! yadda yadda.")

So today I have ended up really weepy and drained, making perceived slights of any type feel worse than they normally would. My best friend from my old job hasn't answered my email and I haven't heard from her in ages, sniff. I was upset about not being able to help a friend when she needed me, due to someone else not being willing/able to assist. Etc.

At least I figured out the trigger. There is always some trigger that brings on these episodes. In the past few years I have realized that I can usually ferret the trigger out, which helps me deal with it. Often it's an anniversary of an event, someone's birthday...etc. And it is because I am reading on lots of blogs, email lists and such about how everyone's all excited about going to what will probably be the last big conference held by the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization I used to work for. These conferences were the most fun things I ever did until last Halloween. And this time I am not only not included, I am not welcome. I really, really miss the chance to see my really wonderful online friends. (Virgo half says: lots of people other than YOU will not be there, Suna, for the same reasons. Pisces half says: how can anyone go there, smile and be happy after all that has gone on? Am I just "too sensitive" and should I have hung on and kept volunteering no matter what? Summary: halves will have to duke it out I guess.)

I am just brimming with self-indulgent crap. Not feeling like a worthwhile friend, and getting lots of subtle confirmation of it (for example, I have posted two updates on my life to an email list, and the only response to either them was one person taking me to task for wondering if anyone reads my posts--but they can write about Harry Potter endlessly).

I should be focusing on the fact that right about now is the anniversary of meeting Lee. He was out of the office my first week at ALE, so I met him about a week after I started there. My coworker said, "You will like him!" and she was right.

And the good news is that as a Pisces/Virgo, I will have an up phase soon as this down phase is over. I am not suffering clinical depression or anything. Just whacky introspection and my usual tendency to over-analyze my flaws. Or think I am more important than I actually am. I need to learn to revel in anonymity and lack of authority more, now that I have it. It's what I thought I wanted! Why do I need to feel like I am important to others? That sounds like Freudian/Piscean/Virgoan angst, and that is too many slashes to be any good at all. So I will go think about something else.

If you are interested in the mandalas in this post, visit the artist's Etsy shop. It's a woman in Australia. I think I will be buying a couple of items!

One More Post

For those of you who asked, I haven't had time yet to start a new blog, but did want to share this photo of my new summer sweater, made from my birthday gift certificate yarn. It is Gedifra Top Soft, which is a silk/microfiber blend. The pattern is "Cindy" from a Berocco book, and the yarn originally called for it the Berocco equivalent of Top Soft, only we didn't have enough red at the yarn shop. I love the way the yarn feels. The ends curled up until I blocked it, but the blocking went really well, following the instructions in the pattern book carefully (the Berocco yarn is real similar to what I used). I managed to not burn the sweater, but to even it out nicely. One problem is that I made the sleeves an inch longer than called for, because I didn't want "cap" sleeves, and now they are just long enough that every time I bend my elbow, the sleeve curls. All my fault! And I knitted three sleeves. I made one with two little YO errors in it, and thought I could live with it. But, when I finished sleeve #2 with no errors and had yarn left over, I decided to make a better third sleeve. Pat at the yarn shop suggested that I shouldtake the third sleeve and make it into something. I may make a holder for my stitch counter out of it, with some creative folding.

I enjoyed the quirky patterns on the sleeves, side slits, neck and armholes, but I really found the stockinet sections of the sweater dull. I should have knit the body in the round! That is what I am doing with my current sweater, which is in Hempathy (hemp/modal/cotton blend) and that is much more fun to do. I am almost to the sleeves on that one, but tonight I need to start a dog sweater, so it will have to slow down. I am teaching my first dog sweater class, and I am making one for Scrunchy that will say "big pug" on it. I charted the pattern last night. Should be funny.

Speaking of dogs, further tests have not found what is causing Gwynnie's blindness. Nothing showed up on her x-ray except constipation (so they took care of that and did it again, ick). We have her on dog food flavored aspirin to see if that helps with the swelling any. If I get a sudden upswing in income (and my fingers are crossed that it will be happening in a week or so), we will probably have the eyes removed so they can do pathology on it. Sigh. Can't decide whether to do the added expense of fake eyes. I wish I knew if she had a terminal illness or not. She seems fine, though, and is coping much better around the house.

Swell. Please Read

Life is swell! Please note the disclaimer at the bottom of each page of this blog. Remember the contents are my personal opinions and musings only, and for my FRIENDS. Any outside links to this blog were in error and have been removed as far as I know. If you see this blog linked from another site or didn't get the link from me, please let me know, so I can address the issue and not have random folks gain access to things I just wanted to share with my circle of friends. Thanks!Have a great evening!