Today it comes as no real surprise to me that I am not feeling so hot. It's been a fine week, and I have been doing what I can to preclude this set of feelings from coming up by taking it easy and limiting my exposure to new people, etc. (For example, I didn't go with Lee and the boys to a coworker's house to play a role playing board game, because I wasn't up to seeing new people, only to find out there was a knitting person there!)
I was glad to give Lee and the kids a couple of chances to do things together without me around, like the Harry Potter movie and that get-together.
I sorta messed up by going to the yarn shop as usual after work yesterday. As I watched person after person arrive and walk right by the table where I and a couple of others were sitting and head to the back, I had to really fight of my typical paranoia that it was ME they were avoiding. Of course, I have no idea what I could have done to bug them, but it was very odd that a couple of people literally did not speak to me the whole time they were there. I know this paranoia that "no one likes me" is a ME issue that got reinforced with my bad experience at Ye Olde Spiritual Community a few years back and doubly enforced with how my nonprofit organization job ended. Plus the negative feedback that four years with a rather judgmental partner (with his own issues). That combined could make anyone feel unworthy of love or friendship.
And then there is the Piscean tendency to wallow in emotions and indulge in pity parties, justifiable or not! (The Pisces mandala above should have faces like on the Wheel of Fortune tarot card in Robin Wood's interpretation.)
Of course, Pisces is one of those dual signs. I have my logical and my intuitive halves duking it out most of the time anyway, assisted by really strong Virgo stuff (moon and ascendant, for any of you who give a rat's patoot about astrology).
So whenever I get these intuitions that send me into an emotional spiral, the other half of me starts internally poking fun at that, and then I get all irritated at my little irrational self. ("Of course people like you, and that personal and job stuff was not all your fault--other people had something to do with it, too! yadda yadda.")
So today I have ended up really weepy and drained, making perceived slights of any type feel worse than they normally would. My best friend from my old job hasn't answered my email and I haven't heard from her in ages, sniff. I was upset about not being able to help a friend when she needed me, due to someone else not being willing/able to assist. Etc.
At least I figured out the trigger. There is always some trigger that brings on these episodes. In the past few years I have realized that I can usually ferret the trigger out, which helps me deal with it. Often it's an anniversary of an event, someone's birthday...etc. And it is because I am reading on lots of blogs, email lists and such about how everyone's all excited about going to what will probably be the last big conference held by the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization I used to work for. These conferences were the most fun things I ever did until last Halloween. And this time I am not only not included, I am not welcome. I really, really miss the chance to see my really wonderful online friends. (Virgo half says: lots of people other than YOU will not be there, Suna, for the same reasons. Pisces half says: how can anyone go there, smile and be happy after all that has gone on? Am I just "too sensitive" and should I have hung on and kept volunteering no matter what? Summary: halves will have to duke it out I guess.)
I am just brimming with self-indulgent crap. Not feeling like a worthwhile friend, and getting lots of subtle confirmation of it (for example, I have posted two updates on my life to an email list, and the only response to either them was one person taking me to task for wondering if anyone reads my posts--but they can write about Harry Potter endlessly).
I should be focusing on the fact that right about now is the anniversary of meeting Lee. He was out of the office my first week at ALE, so I met him about a week after I started there. My coworker said, "You will like him!" and she was right.
And the good news is that as a Pisces/Virgo, I will have an up phase soon as this down phase is over. I am not suffering clinical depression or anything. Just whacky introspection and my usual tendency to over-analyze my flaws. Or think I am more important than I actually am. I need to learn to revel in anonymity and lack of authority more, now that I have it. It's what I thought I wanted! Why do I need to feel like I am important to others? That sounds like Freudian/Piscean/Virgoan angst, and that is too many slashes to be any good at all. So I will go think about something else.
If you are interested in the mandalas in this post, visit the artist's Etsy shop. It's a woman in Australia. I think I will be buying a couple of items!