Time Marches On, Sigh

I am reminded today, in the midst of some rough times with former friends and organizational in-fighting, that I had some wonderful times in my long-term job with the nonprofit organization. A lot of funny things happened, and I met some of the most wonderful people on earth.

One of them passed away this morning. She was the oldest of the women who started the organization, and one of the ones I'd had the most contact with. As the picture shows, much of our contact was with strong beverages in hand (hers were usually a Cosmo). In this 2005 photo, Edwina was pushing 90, but still a barrel of laughs. She was most thrilled and honored to pose for the cover of the never-written memoir my graphic design partner and I wanted to do. The furthest the book got was this poorly PhotoShopped mock book cover we made as a joke. (I assure you, David could have made a much better book cover when the time came--he is quite the talented one when it comes to images.)

Here's her obituary, if you'd like to read more.

I think a lot of people have a huge hero-worship thing going with the women who founded the organization, and have sanctified them to the point where no one would dare suggest they could do any wrong, make a mistake, or be human. But, they are humans. Nice ladies, some of whom had some strange ideas along with their wonderful mothering instincts and love for babies. But, they were great mentors, excellent listeners, and quite innovative in many ways. Edwina listened to me and my friends for hours, never tiring of helping more and more women try to find different ways to make the world better for babies, children and parents. She lived a long life, got to see her children become successful, as well as good parents themselves, and left a legacy of humor kindness and cheer that many, many people will never forget. A toast to dear Edwina!

Not much else is going on except in my mind. We had Lee's tarot friends over for dinner last night, and that has left me feeling a bit sickly--I don't think they did it, but it must be something I ate. They were most pleasant. And we sang Beatles songs at church, including a wonderful a capella version of "Because," all arranged by a talented church member.

As a fun weekend activity, I have mostly dwelt on my inner failings, poor judgment of others (at the moment I am totally unsure who my friends are and aren't), and the meaning of loyalty, none of which is doing me a bit of good. But, it's something I am good at doing, heh heh.

I am going to stop dwelling on all my personal issues right now and go knit and be happy that my wedding shawl yarn arrived. Lee says we should get married three weeks after it is done. Yeah, that's a way to plan!

Like Any Other Day

Garden Mushroom
Originally uploaded by sunasak

A weekend's like any other day when there's no job to go to. On the other hand, there are endless possibilities. And you can always find beauty in unlikely situations, much like the little mushroom here, peeking up between the leaves of our onions. Isn't it beautiful?

I'm feeling like the kiss of death for friends at my jobs. I found out today that the nice friend who helped me move my stuff out of my office got removed from the program he was in, too. At least he can still get a job there, but gee, that's batting .000 for my church friends there. Hope the other two people I know who are still there don't get too close to either of us!

And then, argh, we'd thought things had gotten as bad as possible where I spent the bulk of my working years, but no, telling volunteers they are no longer welcome was not the worst. They also took down a valued resource for thousands of mothers, which had three years of archived material. There was no warning, so mothers couldn't save their personal information, stories, and advice. Years of FAQs, quality help for new mothers and organizational information was also wiped out with no warning.

Wow, when they don't like former co-workers of mine, they really go all out! The woman I worked so hard with to set the system up in the first place was also banned from it. It was a BIG mistake to punish someone so dedicated to the mission of the organization and to the mothers she helped. Her fans are legion. While the decision-makers can't fire innocent mothers and babies for expressing their outrage at this, and they have sure guaranteed that thousands of women will find other organizations to join and donate to, and that they will tell all their friends what happened. What a weird world.

I still truly admire most of the women I used to work with in my department. They focused so hard on helping others. They took a lot of unkind treatment and still stuck around because they felt that what they were doing was important. However, other than one exception, they got no rewards for their work, just pressure to go away.

So, let's forget about that. I keep TRYING to. Instead let's laugh at how my weekend started. With dropping the boys off at the airport to go see their dad then head off to Ireland. As Lee and i were driving away from the airport, the phone rang. Beccano had forgotten his passport. The one he kept in plain sight so he'd be sure to not forget it. Thank goodness they don't leave for Ireland until Tuesday, so I was able to send it to him overnight, at great expense. Sigh. I filled the rest of the day with visiting yarn shop friends (hi Lisa!), going to the far south yarn shop in town with Suzanne and meeting an Internet celebrity (see the knitting blog for more on that), then having a lovely Italian dinner with my beloved. That long day wiped me out!

Today Lee picked these beautiful flowers in the garden and displayed them in the media room for me. That was so sweet. He's working on more flower bed stuff now. We sang the hardest choir song ever today, with all sorts of not-well-practiced people, but it came off! The cello player who was brought in did a great job, too. It ended up being pretty fun, even though I forgot to bring flowers for the altar in honor of Beccano's birthday--I'll have to tell him he is not the only forgetful person in the family! I picked some wildflowers, though, and they looked lovely.

Keep sending job vibes. I appreciate them.

Hurricanes, Music, More

First, Hurricanes

You probably know that yesterday was the anniversary of Katrina hitting New Orleans and a huge swath of the Gulf Coast. You hear a lot about how things are getting back under control, how rebuilding has occurred, etc. But, for the poor, elderly or simply unlucky, things aren't so great. I'd encourage you to read this account from a former resident whose knitting blog I have followed for a long time, with photos and personal stories. We need to remember these people, and help if we can. I know folks from my church have gone down to help on weekends, and my dad has done so, too.

I have always loved Louisiana, especially the coastal parts and the Cajun culture, stemming from when I married into it briefly. Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama...these are not wealthy parts of the US. There are so many people who have always lived simply on not much money. It's hard to recover when you don't have any back-up. (And as someone struggling to get myself a nest egg, only to be hit by unexpected expenses every time I do, I think there but for pure luck go I.)

Now Music

I went to the first church choir meeting for the fall last night. We had 5 altos and one of each other part. One alto (reluctantly) went to sing tenor. One sang soprano (a visiting recent high school grad with a lovely voice, but she's off to Stanford in a week or two). I sang loudly to help the two new people, one of which will need a bit of help with pitch--which we are always glad to do. But that meant a lot of loud singing on low notes. The choir director was POUNDING the notes and I was blasting them at the new people.

After song #1 I traded with High School Graduate, and she blasted the next song, while I went and sang with the one soprano who showed up, luckily the woman with great pitch. Ahhhh. it was nice to trade off like that. It's hard to keep on your notes when someone's a-wanderin'

But the good thing was that I suddenly realized I was singing quite vigorously on notes such as "E" the one above high C. The one I did NOT have a few weeks ago. YAY! I can sing again! And I still have the E two octaves down, too!

Why this matters is that, you may recall, I've had singing "issues" the past few years. For some reason, being a reasonably good singer has been important to me most of my life. It's what makes me "me" in my mind--part of my persona. Being the star of the high school choir is what kept my self esteem up in those years, when otherwise I felt ugly and unpopular (I was neither, in retrospect). And later, I have enjoyed harmony singing so much, and enjoyed being a leader in the choir. (I do realize I am not a great singer, just a very good one--but it's enough to count as "good" where I am now, or in a high school.)

Jeff messed up my singing esteem for quite a long time. I am not a trained singer--the only instruction I've received is from choir directors, but I do know how to breathe, blend, read music and support myself. But Jeff was so caught up in proving he is a great singer that he put me down a lot. Told me how nasal I was (funny, no one else says that), how I didn't do this and that, how I should not think of singing professionally because I am such an amateur in quality. Yadda yadda. So, I stopped for a while. Even stopped choir for almost a year. He feels bad about it now, but it messed me up.

So, feeling able to sing in my trio again, or with Lee, or in choir is a sign I am doing better. And auditioning for the community chorus without feeling inadequate is another sign. I am so glad that the vocal issues appear to have just been allergies, not something else. Yay. Singing makes me feel good. I am glad I can sing, and am FINE with singing at the level I do. It's enough to bring joy.

And School

I think the kids are settling into school better. Beccano had to fight a bit to get his schedule worked out, but it is now, and I hope he will locate all his classes and make it from now on. I contacted his counselor and asked her to please straighten things out, after someone told him he had to go through a bunch of rigmarole to fix his schedule--the school messed it up--they were supposed to be bending over backwards to put him in the right band and elective.

We also had some issues with getting to and from school, but I think those are resolved, too. Now if we can just get all the weekend activities done and not interfere too much with paternal visits, all will be well.

Then Jobs

Lee did have an interview yesterday, where I work now. That would be fun, but who knows if he'll get it. You just never know what people are looking for. I was surprised at what an in-depth interview he got. Mine was minimal. They wanted a writing sample, but, oops, Lee hadn't grabbed any before he was escorted away. I hope he can get something. I knew when I was leaving ALE, so I saved a few things that were generic and bland for samples. And heck, they gave me a book with the training I developed on my own, so that is a handy sample.

At least Lee's old house really is sold. It really will close next week. Wow. I wish I could have helped him fix it up, but really, it's a better use of our resources to fixate on one house only. We can look forward and maybe get something to fix up that is all ours at some point. Nice to be able to plan for a future.

Finally, Irritation

I got extra irritated at a private email list of people formerly and currently associated with the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization yesterday, when someone (not a list owner) sort of ordered the members to not talk about something. On a list with no restrictions. Now, some of you know that I have been ordered to not talk about something by people in my former organization before, and that really pisses me off. I don't work there any more, anyway, so if I wanted to say a certain six-letter acronym over and over, I could. I think I can talk to my friends about topics that interest me or matter to me a lot (though, actually, I have not said a word on the current hot topic on that list--just sitting back and laughing my posterior off at grown women being treated like naughty children: "If you won't play with the toys we gave you the way we want you to, we will just take them away!" ). I guess censorship is still one of my touchy issues, even when I am self-censoring mightily.

Piscean/Virgoan Angst (self indulgent whining)

Today it comes as no real surprise to me that I am not feeling so hot. It's been a fine week, and I have been doing what I can to preclude this set of feelings from coming up by taking it easy and limiting my exposure to new people, etc. (For example, I didn't go with Lee and the boys to a coworker's house to play a role playing board game, because I wasn't up to seeing new people, only to find out there was a knitting person there!)

I was glad to give Lee and the kids a couple of chances to do things together without me around, like the Harry Potter movie and that get-together.

I sorta messed up by going to the yarn shop as usual after work yesterday. As I watched person after person arrive and walk right by the table where I and a couple of others were sitting and head to the back, I had to really fight of my typical paranoia that it was ME they were avoiding. Of course, I have no idea what I could have done to bug them, but it was very odd that a couple of people literally did not speak to me the whole time they were there. I know this paranoia that "no one likes me" is a ME issue that got reinforced with my bad experience at Ye Olde Spiritual Community a few years back and doubly enforced with how my nonprofit organization job ended. Plus the negative feedback that four years with a rather judgmental partner (with his own issues). That combined could make anyone feel unworthy of love or friendship.

And then there is the Piscean tendency to wallow in emotions and indulge in pity parties, justifiable or not! (The Pisces mandala above should have faces like on the Wheel of Fortune tarot card in Robin Wood's interpretation.)

Of course, Pisces is one of those dual signs. I have my logical and my intuitive halves duking it out most of the time anyway, assisted by really strong Virgo stuff (moon and ascendant, for any of you who give a rat's patoot about astrology).

So whenever I get these intuitions that send me into an emotional spiral, the other half of me starts internally poking fun at that, and then I get all irritated at my little irrational self. ("Of course people like you, and that personal and job stuff was not all your fault--other people had something to do with it, too! yadda yadda.")

So today I have ended up really weepy and drained, making perceived slights of any type feel worse than they normally would. My best friend from my old job hasn't answered my email and I haven't heard from her in ages, sniff. I was upset about not being able to help a friend when she needed me, due to someone else not being willing/able to assist. Etc.

At least I figured out the trigger. There is always some trigger that brings on these episodes. In the past few years I have realized that I can usually ferret the trigger out, which helps me deal with it. Often it's an anniversary of an event, someone's birthday...etc. And it is because I am reading on lots of blogs, email lists and such about how everyone's all excited about going to what will probably be the last big conference held by the Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization I used to work for. These conferences were the most fun things I ever did until last Halloween. And this time I am not only not included, I am not welcome. I really, really miss the chance to see my really wonderful online friends. (Virgo half says: lots of people other than YOU will not be there, Suna, for the same reasons. Pisces half says: how can anyone go there, smile and be happy after all that has gone on? Am I just "too sensitive" and should I have hung on and kept volunteering no matter what? Summary: halves will have to duke it out I guess.)

I am just brimming with self-indulgent crap. Not feeling like a worthwhile friend, and getting lots of subtle confirmation of it (for example, I have posted two updates on my life to an email list, and the only response to either them was one person taking me to task for wondering if anyone reads my posts--but they can write about Harry Potter endlessly).

I should be focusing on the fact that right about now is the anniversary of meeting Lee. He was out of the office my first week at ALE, so I met him about a week after I started there. My coworker said, "You will like him!" and she was right.

And the good news is that as a Pisces/Virgo, I will have an up phase soon as this down phase is over. I am not suffering clinical depression or anything. Just whacky introspection and my usual tendency to over-analyze my flaws. Or think I am more important than I actually am. I need to learn to revel in anonymity and lack of authority more, now that I have it. It's what I thought I wanted! Why do I need to feel like I am important to others? That sounds like Freudian/Piscean/Virgoan angst, and that is too many slashes to be any good at all. So I will go think about something else.

If you are interested in the mandalas in this post, visit the artist's Etsy shop. It's a woman in Australia. I think I will be buying a couple of items!

This Time Last Year...

1. I started my tarot blog. Happy blogaversary to it!

2. (As Sandy reminds me) I was told I was no longer needed at my job at the beloved Dysfunctional Nonprofit Organization. Yeah, but they keep sending me 800 number counseling referrals. No thanks--I'm not good enough to work for you, I won't do your volunteer work for you. I'd been expecting it--I didn't do as I was told well enough, kept advocating for the clients and volunteers and not the wishes of the Board and consultants...well, now all I regret, and continue to regret, is losing some of my most beloved friends. I guess I am not as good at writing someone who means a lot to me out of my life as they are. But, they have a philosophy of discarding people who don't "get with the program," and I do understand that it is a lot easier to have faith in your course of action if you don't keep people around who have other input. I certainly have that impulse on occasion.

3. I had given up on having a partnership relationship that fulfilled my needs and was based on mutual respect. I had decided to accept a practical, pragmatic compromise with a quirky and egotistical roommate who I had once tried to partner with.

4. I expected I was talented and useful enough to get a job with benefits, an office, and interesting tasks to do.

So, lots has changed. I have learned to work in big corporations as a contractor, thankfully found the kind of partner I always dreamed of, and found other interests besides volunteer work to fill my time (yay knitting). I also know who my real friends are (blog readers stand a huge chance of being one of those) and where it is best to focus my loyalties: my children, my partner, my parents and the friends who have stuck with me.

In other news, I saved a sweet female warbler yesterday, who was flapping frantically at the glass windows along the long walkway from the parking lot to work. I opened a sliding window, and before she left, she looked at me like, "What are you doing??" then gratefully flew to the safety of a tree. I love warblers.

I've still been sick, and missed a visit from a friend and a birthday dinner because of it. Today I haven't blown my nose once, so maybe it is fading. The sickness has slowed down my planned cleaning and straightening, but I will get on it tonight after a dental appointment and a dinner featuring quinoa and yellow cauliflower.

We still have Tina rooming with us, and have reluctantly agreed to watch her dog (which has been left at the first boyfriend's house) while she is at her anime convention. 5 dogs. Ack. This IS the most well behaved dog of the bunch, though. I convinced her, I hope, that she needs to take responsibility for the animal and make some sacrifices to take care of her. I really feel like you can't just dump a family member because they become inconvenient. Of course, that is the reason I didn't get a dog until I had a house, the kids were old enough to not kill it, and I knew I could afford its care. Cats were better for my single apartment-dwelling years. I know Tina cares for animals and even if she's in love will remember her responsibilities because it's a LIFE LESSON, right, Tina? :-) Me, being a mom-like person.

Lots to do coming up. We have picked colors for the walls in the media room, and I hope we can furnish it soon. Woo.

Nice Little Shawl, Sad World

Here is the finished shawl I made with the yarn I dyed with KoolAid, finally. When I first finished it, it was tiny! It was the size of a headscarf, and I wore it babushka-like to Starbucks down from the knitting shop, as a joke. Thank goodness blocking is my friend, and it actually ended up only an inch less in width and exactly the right length as the shawl in the pattern (Interweave Knits, Fall 2006 I think). Click it to see it better, and especially click the close-up version, where you can see the very tedious p5togs that made up the bluebells in the border. Or snowdrops, or whatever they were supposed to be. I am glad the yarn didn't end up detracting too much from the pattern. I have started another shawl in very pale colors of suri alpaca, but really and truly DO think it is too loose (really Tina, I think it is over gauge and will check with Jody on Saturday if y'all live through Friday). I also started one in Lorna's Laces Helen's Lace in blues and tan, the faroese shawl with hearts. It is way harder than the green one--lots of complex stitches that better actually make an interesting pattern.

I have had a long and interesting day at work, more of that new friendship fun that I am enjoying so much lately, but I am tired from learning so many things.

And I am sad about my former work, just because some of the women I worked with are so disappointed in how they were treated in the last day or so. I think it is best that I am gone and not all involved with it, so it doesn't hurt me as much as it does them to find out that they were kept in the dark about plans, mislead or whatever. And after I had the realization today, finally, that the reason why I was so upset is that I didn't feel like an employer dismissed me, but like my family had disowned me and stopped speaking to me, I felt some closure. I now "get" why I was so hurt. And I will not ever, ever mistake a group of coworkers for a "sisters" again. Shoot, I can't hardly believe I am allowing myself to make friends at work, period. Sometimes you can't help it. But I will draw a line, I hope.

I do feel better about most stuff, though, really. Just writing to process, but now will go be an American and watch my favorite TV show.

translation: yes, the work fun referred to involves Lee (and Greg, and other coworkers). We simply have a good time doing stuff. No crime.

Comments

Sam said...
{{{{{Suna}}}}}I hope you find a place where you feel safe to have friends in your new job and they have the presence of mind to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You did make some great friends at your other job and they do still love you.Have a FABULOUS day!!!Sam
Friday, September 29, 2006 8:35:00 AM

She who paddling her own canoe said...
Bingo! Yay for you and your moment of enlightenment! I hope it brings you one step closer to closure and healing. (((hugs)))One suggestion: Let your hair down at work! Enjoy the company of your co-workers. Don't mistake the environment you're in now, for the environment you left behind. Remember the old saying- Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe. :)BEAUTIFUL shawl! I'm amazed that you can craft such wonderful things. You're craf-tay. :)Take care, SAK. Wishing you continued success and happiness!
Saturday, September 30, 2006 1:15:00 AM

Answer to Comment

ASIDE

Glad I finally got this picture to show up. Scrunchy says rest in peace to Steve Irwin. He loved the Crocodile Hunter show. Steve was an odd guy, but loved his life and his family. He did a lot of good.

ACTUAL CONTENT

Someone who did not say who they were (funny how people with criticisms don’t sign their names, isn’t it?) asked

“Nice to see your comments. For a number of years, I wondered why you supported the crap going on...until the axe fell a little closer to home...”

Ow. But, worth responding to. For those of you wondering why I kept my thoughts to just a few close friends, here are some points to note.

1. My feelings and thoughts changed over time. I started looking at new organizational structures and procedures with a very open mind, because I enjoy learning about new ideas and trying new ways of doing things. Mind you, I don’t change how I work willy nilly without seeing if a technique actually works or not, but I like to add new techniques and methods to my management and collaborative repertoire. (For example, I was skeptical about the Open Space meeting technique, but I tried it, and I realized it was a great technique for making certain kinds of decisions and doing certain kinds of work. Is it for every meeting? No. But it is in my repertoire now.)
   
2. I made sure I learned as much as I could about things. I went to all the meetings, read all the books I was given, read all the information from people with questions and concerns, etc. I considered all of this stuff. I also included my gut feelings, input from friends and all that. I ended up with a lot to think about! I ended up deciding that I actually liked the ideas, techniques and thoughts that were being introduced, a lot, for my personal life, philosophy and way of working. But, I realized I was uncomfortable with how these things were being used in the organization, and especially with how information was being disseminated.
   
3. It is NOT the case that I “supported the crap going on.” In fact, I voiced thoughts, concerns, criticisms and kudos as appropriate to my bosses, the Board, and my colleagues at work. What I did not do was post my feelings on organizational email lists, Web sites, blogs, or other such places.
   
4. WHY? READ THIS: I was a paid employee of the organization in question. It was my job to represent the policies and decisions of that organization, whether I agreed with them or not. I did my darnedest to work within the framework I was given to continue to help people and fulfill the mission of the organization. I am proud of what I accomplished by “self organizing” with volunteers to create a lot of interesting and helpful programs, focusing on the needs of the population we were supposed to be serving. I did just that until the last day I was allowed to help out. It would have been very inappropriate for me to publicly criticize the organizational structure and the people who paid me. I also would not have been allowed to do what I could from the inside as long as I was allowed to if I had acted that way. I was disliked enough for daring to “criticize” the Board in private.
   
5. I also stuck with the organization and remained quiet after being treated very shabbily on more than one occasion. Did you all know that I was forbidden to utter a series of 6 letters at one point? Or that I was banned from attending a meeting where the decision about a program I had been working on for years was made? And forbidden from providing information that might have helped those in charge make an informed decision? So, don’t think I was sitting around being a “yes person.” I tried to be reasonable, supportive and helpful, but did present alternative points of view and ideas. All the time my focus was on what would be best for the members of the organization and the people they helped. I guess it should have been on appeasing those who make decisions. I have learned my lesson, though. I am currently saying, “Yes ma’am,” like crazy in my new high paying corporate job.
   
6. And did you know I am a single parent who is the main wage earner in my family? Without me working, my children would lose food and housing, or I’d lose THEM to their dad. I appreciated having a job where I could work from home and be with my children when they needed me. The flexibility of my job (at least until 2005 when I had to spend WAY too much time traveling and missed a LOT of my kids’ activities) was something I appreciated—I didn’t want to have to go get some corporate gig just so I could make comments about organizational issues freely.
   
7. I still believe that the organization’s visionaries (i.e., those with money and power) can and will do what they think best, and they are entitled to do it. They got put in charge in various ways, and they ARE the people entrusted to make decisions. If you want to be a part of the organization, you need to trust them and go along with the new things, or retreat to your local level and focus on the mission (saying lalalalala to the larger organization). If folks don’t like how an organization they are a member of works, they need to either REALLY get moving to do something about it (too late, I think), or find something fulfilling and not frustrating to do. Start a new organization that you ARE comfortable with whose members have a say in how things are run. Find an existing organization and put your energy into it (I think some of my friends are going to do that—you go, gals!).

Anyway, anonymous person, I am not someone who went along with things until they affected me personally, and it hurts to think that is how some of you view me. If you knew me well, you’d know that, but I realize not everyone could know me well, since I had to put on my public face a lot. I hope this clears things up, because I would really like to get back to talking about my friends, family and knitting. I am thankful that all the organizational stuff is behind me and I am still intact, just minus some people I thought were lifelong friends—that is my only regret at this point.

Comments

sandy said...
Awww, to the Scrunchy picture.

Now to the meatier stuff...I've known Sue Ann for practically all the years she has worked for HFE. I would say she has had that axe swing towards her several times. Not only that, but practically every enhancement to HFE she implemented (at user and admin request) came with a whole lot of barbs being slung at her. I am AMAZED that she stuck with the work and hasn't been permanently debilitated by the stress of it. I can also understand why she chose to do what she described in the blog blog post. Even minimally decent paying IT management related jobs for women are still pretty rare. IT related jobs that let women have flexible hours and family time are even more rare. IT related jobs that also feed your passion? I would have made the same decisions she did to keep such a position. Which brings up the organization itself.

Despite having training for communications skills (for which I was a facilitator) there seems to be a lot of theory and not so much application of those skills by certain people in the organization. I personally have experienced favoritism, threats and just plain ignoring of those whose ideas don't "fit." And who doesn't "fit" can change, too. This organization recently pressured a long-time volunteer to retire for posting information that might be embarrassing to them on a blog! I knew and I'm sure Sue Ann knew what would have happened had she gone public with her thoughts as they evolved. She did the best she could with the information she had and built a kick-butt web presence for a cut-rate price in an increasingly tense environment. And in the end, it still ended up like this. I try to remember all the people she reached with her work and the community she built for all of us who worked with her and the good that came from that. A lot of those people who also built great projects, are also getting their work axed, without explanation.

Good luck in your new work world, Sue Ann. You deserve the best.
Monday, September 04, 2006 2:37:00 PM

Suna said...
Thanks, Sandy. I appreciate that, and hope it gives some perspective to those who have questions about my motives.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 12:56:00 PM

deb said...
Sue Ann, well said. Just because we earn a paycheck from a company does not mean we support everything that company does. If we want to keep our jobs we don't smear the company to the outside. We might take a stand on the inside and get shot down but we are still not free to discuss it if we want to keep our jobs. I think some people just can not see what it is like to work in the corporate world. You sometimes have to do a lot of things that you don't necissary choose to do. And if you can manage to do that without compromising your own moral standards that is all the better. Sometimes however you need to feed your family and house your family will overrule you ideal dream job.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 11:30:00 PM

Thinking about Letting Go

CAVEAT

The following is personal opinion that is being posted to a private blog (not searchable on the Internet), which is only intended for people to whom the author has sent a link. Please do not redistribute without written permission from the author.

The thing I have been dwelling on of late is why I can’t let go of my anger at how I was treated by the people who set policy at My Former Employer (MFE). Trying to look at things from their perspective, trying to just put it past me, enjoying in the support of upset others, venting to get it past me—all those things have helped a bit. But I need to do whatever that thing is in therapy that brings you the “aha” insight and lets you come to peace with an issue. I can finally afford therapy again but now have no TIME to get there, so…

I’ve been thinking and reading and getting ideas from others. One idea came from the boss at the new job, who has lots of techniques for writing, instructional design and such, plus self help stuff. Sure, some things don’t work for me, but the one she did yesterday in our meeting was useful. I will present it here.

Cost/Benefit Technique

The idea behind this technique is that you have an issue that is bugging you, big or small, that won’t go away. Like, you are always tired, or you can’t get over the fact that your sister did blah blah blah. You write down two columns. One has what holding on to the issue is costing you. The other is the benefits it gets you—because the idea is that you would not hold on to something that’s a pain in the butt if it didn’t give you some benefit (often excusing behavior, allowing you to act in a way you know you really shouldn’t—enabling your shadow side, I guess). After you do that, you can decide whether the benefits do not outweigh the costs so you should let go of the issue, or if you are actually getting something you LIKE out of it, so you can keep it, but realize it is OK and not let it bug you so much. Either way, you can move past it.

I figured I should try to use it on my issues with MFE. Why do I still care about the organization in any way and why am I holding on to the hurt about how people I thought were good friends treated me? I may not have thought it through completely, so additional ideas are welcome.

Costs
* Health issues:
Eye twitch
Stomach pain
Chest pain
Lack of sleep

*Emotional issues
Deep sadness
Anger
Confusion
Loss of trust—from being lied to
Lack of self esteem
Resentment over spending so much time and effort on a program that was not appreciated

*Time wasted re-iterating problems or complaining
*Inability to focus on other priorities (house cleaning, bills, family)
*Negative attitude toward everything
*Inability to project positive attitude during job search
*Detachment—can’t connect with other people or institutions

Benefits

*I don’t have to work on relationship or other issues because I have this one to dwell on
*I get to be a martyr and appear self sacrificing
*It keeps me connected to old friends I am afraid of losing (as if there isn’t any other way to stay connected)
*I can avoid housework and just sit in bed and wallow
*I get to be dramatic and wallow
*I get pity and sympathy/attention, so I don’t feel so lonely
*I can engage in my natural melancholy “weeping willow tree” style personality—I always tend to focus on my challenges and not what is working right
*It makes me still feel a part of the group I was so strongly attached to for over 15 years
*It is a safe thing to rant and rail about because I can’t really DO anything about it and no one who actually did the damage will ever hear me, so they can’t poke me harder and make me feel worse

When I look at these things, I see that a lot of the benefits are all about me getting to play martyr or poor pitiful me, a role I gravitate toward, but one I am working hard to get away from. I am proud that I really am moving away from this and making a conscious effort to NOT keep whining. I want to get away from some of those negative aspects of my personality.

Still, something keeps me stuck. I can’t just say, “Ooh, those costs are icky, I will just stop that now.” Something keeps me from being able to “forgive and forget.” What could those things be?

Here are some possibilities:

Not understanding—I will write more about my attempts to understand why things ended up the way they did. I am doing well understanding the business aspects—every day doing better with that, thanks to all my reading and stuff. It is the personal ones that are eating at me.
Too high standards—I expect others to treat me the way I would want to treat them—with honesty and kindness. That is it in a nutshell. People, especially my former boss, the fellow I worked with last year, and the directors at the organization, treated me as friends and equals, then, suddenly didn’t.
There is missing information. I have received many hints that there is stuff I don’t know that no one will tell me, but that would make it all make sense. I think that really, really irks me. As a person who wants to know WHY things happen before accepting them, I think I am going to have to work and work to learn to accept the status of not knowing. Yeesh, good luck to me on THAT.

Well, OK, that previous section explains why I am stuck and what I have to get over to unstick myself. Looks like there are a lot of meditations, tarot readings and sever talking to myself sessions that need to happen. At least I know have a clue of where to focus.

If you read all this, my thanks. And ideas, opinions, insights and all that are welcome. You can also tell me I am full of crap. Right now, I can actually take it. Apologies for any typos--my family is bugging me to leave. And I could not get the cute picture of my dog to upload and brighten up this post.

Comments (and Plenty of Them)

sandy said...
I think it is A Good Thing that you are able to put this all down, look at it and muse on it. Even though I had distanced myself from YFE before you did, there is still so much I'd like to understand and so many helpful tips I'd like to send to the PTB, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm feeling like all I can do at this point is set a date to end it, then on that date get in the car and drive away -- which is what I did when I moved away from my childhood home and ended an unhealthy relationship a loooong time ago.Other than that, no helpful advice.Love, sandy
Friday, September 01, 2006 7:22:00 PM

Christine (woogies@yahoo.com) said...
I would say that my theraphist sounds like post tramic stress and it will take time to heal.U have to understand that u are caring person not a robot when u work. It will take time and u have many truly caring people who kick u in the ass as needed.If people are hanging u out by saying they know something that u do not know m/b need to look at those people twice. Why in the h___ would someone that cares about u say there are underling things but I cannot tell u. Hello why not just say Sue Ann freak right now and stay that way until I feel like telling u to not freak out anymore. It is going to be great how could it not with that head of hair that says I am mover and shaker watch me Roar.
Friday, September 01, 2006 7:30:00 PM

jody said...
There was one relationship several years ago that was extremely difficult for me to move past. I understood what had happened and why and that it had been unfair to me and all that but I couldn't move beyond the pain of it. Someone - that priest we talked about recently - gave me a technique to use that helped and I forgot the entire thing (sorry about that). The aspect that broke the cycle, though, I do remember, and that was for me to recognize that there were things that I still appreciated and gained and helped me become a stronger person that I learned from the ex-lover. There was part of me that was trying to reject or negate those positive things because of the painful way the relationship ended.That's the only input I have and I don't have any idea if it's in the least bit helpful. I just know that there are times when my thinking gets stuck on one aspect (typically the negative) and I can't see beyond it until there's a radical shift in perspective. That aha moment you were talking about.I just had one in my sleep last night. :) Hope you get one soon, too.
Friday, September 01, 2006 9:21:00 PM

deb said...
To me you sound like you are moving on and working though all the pain. Before you could not put it into words you just felt it and lived it. Now you have words to put with it and work though them. This all has made you a better person in some way and a much stronger one for the future. I yes it would be so nice if other people could treat us all in the way that we would like to treat others and be treated. I have been trying to surround myself only by people that act like this. In the last few years i have had to let some friendships get distant due to them bringing my down and not lifting me up. Not sure where I was going with this, But I am here to listen and support you in anyway I can. Got to get some sleep now as we are going to the lake to kayak in the morning. It is almost 3 am and the alarm goes off at 7am. Yikes
Saturday, September 02, 2006 2:43:00 AM

Suna said...
Thanks, wonderful friends, for all the comments. They have all helped, even the ones who didn't think they were helping. I am continuing to think on this. No dream insight though--I stole a Porsche with the last person I felt a strong personal connection to in the dream, that's fairly obvious to me! LOL.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 10:06:00 AM

DianeS said...
I got a couple of things. First off, the continued use of the word wallow. That's judgmental -- it implies that you don't deserve to feel the way you do and are being selfish about it. Not being inside your head, I can't say if that's right or wrong, but it's something to look at.But second, I also was treated badly in an organization whose mission was to help people who badly needed it. I think it must be worse to be mistreated by an organization that is supposed to be doing good in the world. I had to remember that even when this particular person was tearing the organization apart from the inside, we were still hanging in there, delivering services and doing good. My suggestion, for whatever it's worth, would be that whenever you think about how badly they treated you, that you remember that you still went on, as long as possible, helping people. And think about how many people over the years you've touched in a positive way. And no matter what else they do, they can't take from you the expertise you gained in this area while working there, so you can continue to help people.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 5:46:00 PM

Robin said...
Good for you for getting some of this down in writing. You know how I feel about writing as therapy!I believe that time will help, too. Your new job, especially the "atta girls", will help. Writing about it will help. Being patient with yourself will help.You will heal. And I'm sending love and support while you are in the process.
Monday, September 04, 2006 11:48:00 AM

The Organization of the Organization

Hey, new friends, this will make no sense to you! But you can read it anyway. Old friends, this one's for you. And long overdue. I finally feel up to it.

For a moody post, here's a moody photo of the younger son. I can't believe this little baby who went to so many parenting support group meetings with me is a teenager.

CAVEAT

The following is personal opinion that is being posted to a private blog (not searchable on the Internet), which is only intended for people to whom the author has sent a link. Please do not redistribute without written permission from the author.


My Thoughts about the Organization of the Organization

Since 2000 or so, the organization I was involved with or worked from 1991-2006 for has been on a path from a traditional hierarchical organizational structure to one that is flatter. A thing I am not at all un-fond of. Some of the larger donors, including the Biggest Donor, have a lot of business background and obviously do a lot of reading of those pop-culture level business books that push untested but intriguing new ideas. And though very intelligent, they are nonetheless very open to charismatic speakers who make alternative ways of doing things appear to be panaceas, because they WANT to make things wonderful for the organization. Some of those new ideas, by the way, really ARE good ideas, or could be, if handled right. And organizations/businesses truly DO need to change to make it today, since philanthropy is changing, communications channels are changing, technology is advancing rapidly, and the world is “flattening.” Change or die--that's the hard facts.

Hey, I read books, too. My current book is The World Is Flat, by Thomas L. Friedman. It explains a LOT about how things work differently, and if I were running an organization, I’d want to turn into one of those quickly adapting ones that changes as the world changes, and creates a niche for itself that no other organization can fill.

What’s the problem? The organization’s decision makers embraced change just for the sake of changing and did NOT change the organization’s focus, mission or audience. So, it was trying to incorporate a 70s kind of organization into a millennium structure. And it tried to pretend that it wanted to include all of its members in it, and promise them that it would not fundamentally change. But it HAD to fundamentally change and there is NO WAY that change could not alienate or isolate some of its members. So, that got folks upset.

To deal with the upset folks, the people in charge tried many tactics, all in a row, which confused the upset people more and more. Now, at last, they are doing what they should have all along, which is just say “too bad, we want things a certain way, and we are going to install the people who think like we do in the positions of responsibility, and anyone who doesn’t like it will just have to go find somewhere else to work or volunteer.” And if someone is a questioner or a symbol of the status quo, they have to go. The thing is, a lot of people would have felt less betrayed if they’d just SAID that before doing it.

It doesn’t take an Einstein to see that the independent person hired to be Executive Director was pushed out by the Board (who also pushed out any Board member who didn’t say “yes” to the two Directors who were in charge and collaborating with the Biggest Donor), because she didn’t “just follow orders,” and was replaced by the #1 adherent of the new philosophy. Then, they brought in the very earliest adapter of the new philosophy as her special helper. And they installed complete outsiders in other responsible positions, who, since they were being paid directly by the Biggest Donor, and not the organization itself, were loyal to the management team, not the organization. And thus, there is a pretty obvious explanation of why I suddenly was irrelevant. The Big Donor did not want anyone associated with the olden days, especially one with her own ideas and suggestions, mucking up their new vision. They used me for the information I did have, then discarded me so they wouldn’t have to hear me question their decisions. Heh, I sure wouldn’t be installing a new ordering system that charged as much shipping and handling per item as the item itself cost!! Oh well.

In the back of one’s mind, one wonders if the organization’s decision makers might not be trying to subtly “help” the organization fail. They are so against having a centralized structure in any way, they could be trying to ensure that the main office systems are doomed. So they can go back to groups of mothers at kitchen tables doing things on the local level. Period. And nothing wrong with that—it might work just fine—if they’d just let their members know that is the plan.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable any more is how hypocritical it is to portray the organization as one that puts “people before things,” and that truly cares about the people it serves, yet to treat people who work for the organization like obsolete office furniture. Not just me—so many members, workers and other volunteers have been pretty much told they don’t matter, in other words, or by deeds. Not exactly a way to build self esteem. There’s no need to make others look bad in order to build yourself up. You build yourself up by doing good work, ethically. And that’s why I, and a lot of others, regretfully are severing ties and finding more positive places to expend our effort and spend our money.

Like Dave (hey, he's still my friend, at least) said, when the Titanic was sinking, even the band eventually jumped off.

Comments

deb said...
Glad to see your comments Sue Ann. I am worried about the future with the organization. For now I will keep working my butt off for the local (TX) organization. That is until I find something else that can use my talents as well. Watching and waiting to see what happens next.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 2:30:00 AM

Suna said...
Thanks, Deb. I wanted to be sure to say that all of you who are continuing on have my respect. Believe me, if I hadn't been forced out, with my loyalty trait, I'd still be trying to work things out, too.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 10:07:00 AM

knittingwoman said...
As you know, i quit the Canadian part of the organization several years ago. It was very painful and I haven't found anything else that fills that spot but i had to leave. One of these days I will have to hear the whole story from you.Hugs to you.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 11:43:00 AM

deb said...
I hang on because I still have dreams of having another child. Granted I turn 41 in a couple of weeks and that door will soon be closing. The thought of another child without the organization is just too far out there for me at the moment. But I must say my job has gotten much harder with you not in your former position.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 7:41:00 PM

Anonymous said...
Nice to see your comments. For a number of years, I wondered why you supported the crap going on...until the axe fell a little closer to home...
Monday, September 04, 2006 3:03:00 AM

Suna said...
Dear Anonymous, I replied to this comment in the main part of the blog, so people might see it better. Thanks for bringing up that point. I need to clear it up.
Monday, September 04, 2006 12:07:00 PM

Nancy Jo said...
Anonymous = unknown and unaccountable.This comment was an unethical, mean-spirited and ill-informed attempt to sound important.You owe nothing to cowards and bullies, Suna. If you find out who it is, I will definitely beat them up for you.I am refraining from obscenities, but whoever this is can feel free to insert their most despised phrase here and be assured that's what I would have typed about them if I had wished to. Sounds a lot like someone whose posts I no longer read. I guess I can just speculate at will, since they are very unlikely to sign their names. But why waste the energy?Enraged,Nancy Jo
Sunday, September 24, 2006 9:32:00 AM