Holiday Hello

I have thought about posting here many times in the past few months. This year has been the kind of series of events that is hard to write down and hope to make any sense whatsoever. The ups have been very high and he downs very low. Since I am someone who dwells most comfortably in the "neutral" range, that means it's been rough on my fascinating collection of issues. Perhaps the most interesting discovery that I have made is that when things get unexpectedly better than I ever expected them to be...trying to figure out what to do about it is really stressful! Of course, I can learn to cope!

Holiday Stuff

First, let me share with any of you still reading this blog my little piece of holiday cheer--the kids playing music together for Lee's dad.

They had never played together before, but I sure hope they do it again. We spent Christmas with Lee's dad, who is dealing with some bad health issues. We have been visiting there at least monthly since we got Ursula the RV (he values his privacy, so staying in the trailer is a real invasion of space). I have grown to really enjoy the visits--it is fun watching Lee's dad enjoy his fancy new tractor and watching Lee and his nephew, who has been mostly staying in the area since Lee's dad has needed someone around these past few months, do stuff with each other. The farm has become a lot more organized, and a lot more fun.

For example, when there was a scary brush fire caused by a welding spark, a bunny got injured by the tractor. Lee's dad has been caring for it for a couple of months. It has really grown!

Bun Bun wishing it had more of that gourmet lettuce Suna brings

They lost half the hay crop that had just been baled, but saved the buildings! Yeah, stuff like this happened all year. But fun also happened. I got to play with the cows. Of course, the friendliest two are now someone's dinner. But one bull calf did get to become a Daddy Bull at a friend's farm. More cows are coming, too.

He was a sweetie pie.

I got a real Stetson hat. That is because it's the only thing that doesn't blow off in the heavy winds, and I can't see without a hat, due to my hair growing out. I look very official, don't I?

Why I Have So Much Western Gear and More Ups and Downs

I said there were ups and downs this year. Maybe it will be easier to just enumerate things. Then move on.

1. Jobs. I really loved working in the small office with the wonderful view and the wonderful coworkers and the wonderful lunches together. However, I did not love never knowing if there was actually something to do on any given week. When people began to leave, I decided to stop ignoring all those calls about other jobs and go for them. I had turned down one job this time last year, and resolved to not repeat that. I told myself I would take the first thing that came up, even a contract. There seem to be more jobs out there now, so I had more confidence I could find something else. So, I took a job at Dell. The pay was most excellent, and I learned about Agile Project Management and Oracle products. However, in the entire time I was there, no one ever said "hello" or "goodbye," or asked me how I was doing. I was spoken to about work and that's it (they were perfectly nice and very smart people, but sitting in a cubicle staring at a 200 page technical document with no breaks was more than a little tedious). So, I kept applying for "real" jobs and ended up having two offers at the same time--one for the job I didn't take last year and another very similar job that had more training to it. It was hard to decide, since the people were nice at both places, and while the second one paid more, the first one was much closer to home. I decided I would lose all that extra money in gas and traffic sitting hours, so I took the first position as contract to hire. Hip, hip, hooray they actually liked me and I am now full time there. It's a really nice company with good ethics, and I am doing better than I thought I would at doing nothing but making one e-learning module after another. They do let me do a bit of editing, too. So, ups and downs, yes, but it has ended on a big up. The people are fun, and I have made more good friends!

2. Life and Death. After a truly wonderful 80th birthday party, I hugged and hugged my dad before I left. I am glad I did, because 5 weeks later, his best friend died at the wheel of the truck he was driving. Dad was the middle passenger. They veered straight into Interstate traffic. The next two weeks were unbearably difficult. I went to NC and stayed as long as I could with him in ICU. That was horrendous. Since people read this, I will omit some of the reasons, but it is sufficient to say that emergencies bring out the worst in some people, and Dad married into that kind of family. Dad's funeral was not quite as bad, because I had my wonderful husband and kids with me, and my wonderful husband did a great job easing things for everyone. The ensuing issues with wills, property and other stuff were difficult, but my brother did a good job executoring. Hopefully at some point the remaining little bit of bucks in Dad's checking accounts will be taken out and that will be over with. Sigh. I cannot tell you how much I miss my dad. There are a lot of things that come up internally when something like this happens!

Dad's 80th Birthday

And it hasn't stopped. There have been some deaths of friends' family members that have been very sad, too. But, it's a part of life, and most of the time I bear that in mind and do OK.

3. Spirituality. The church I have attended for well over a decade continues to be a big ole source of stress, strife and difficulty. There are also good parts, which is why I have so much trouble separating myself. I guess it is a good thing we spend so much time camping, farming and ranching these days--being in nature settles my soul much better than crabby infighting ministers, power plays, political maneuvering and public displays of all of the above! They way people have treated fellow church members in the past few months appalls me. Much like how people on different ends of the political spectrum just say awful stuff about each other. Why on EARTH do that? These are your friends who have a different perspective from yours, not enemies. I have tried really, really hard to listen to everyone, act according to my conscience, and plug away, but it is very, very hard. I had loved singing in the rock group, but the leader moved away, and while choir is OK it is no longer much of a challenge--I feel like more of a hindrance than a help there these days (to be proactive, I have rejoined the choir I sang with a few times years ago, and hope that will be a fun experience over the next few weeks.)

Fun with Funkatonic

4. Windfalls. There have been opportunities opened up for us that we never foresaw, thanks to the concept of "mineral rights." Trying to figure out what to do with unexpected income? Save! But, savings have no interest nowadays. So, we are planning to invest in a place to retire to, part of a lovely ranch. We go there often. I hope to share more photos when we start making improvements.

Ranch, looking toward woods.

I love looking at the birds around the tanks (ponds), wandering in the woods, and exploring the fields. The place feels good. That's what counts. Obviously we are still working, so we won't be moving anywhere for some years, but it will be great to have a place to retreat to. I need it. The world is such a contentious, unpleasant place these days. I can cope better with some "hermit time."

There is more, way more. But at least I have sort of caught up on this year. Next year I hope will be calmer, with more travel (RV and otherwise) and fun with friends and family. Because for sure, friends and family are what counts most. It's been a transition period for friends, but the ones who remain are treasured all the more, and I feel fondness for the good times with those who have moved on to new adventures!

Some Wellness, Some Sickness

The good news here is that the medicine is really helping Scrunchy, and his skin is no longer bright pink. His horrible sores are healing and his licking is down to a normal dog level. I got both him and Rose new "clothing"--both made of hemp or something like that. Scrunchy has a dark green halter and Rose has a purple collar. They seem very sturdy but have incredibly soft linings, so even Rose isn't horribly bothered by hers. She still has it on after two days! For her that is a record.

I put Advantix flea stuff on all the dogs, and Rose and Buddy both seem to feel better. I also sprayed some stuff where they sleep and will have the pest control people spray the lawn. Maybe that will keep me from having to take the other two dogs in for killer drugs like Scrunchy is on.

The bad news is that Lee's dad relapsed and is back in the hospital again. They decided he wasn't completely rehydrated when he went home before, so is in there longer. It was scary because he got put in by his doctor and didn't tell anyone, so the family rushed to find him to see if he'd died at home, but luckily a relative found him at a hospital by calling all in the area until she found him. Gee whiz. He could have asked to have a relative notified.

But Lee stayed home this weekend to try to get work done in the yard, even though it has been 103-105 degrees all week (in Celsius that is "too hot for humans to survive"). I've had a bit of trouble with the heat so am staying inside. We did have a nice dinner with church friends last night, though again it was the "gluten free" bunch, so the food was interesting. All edible though, and they did eat my salad! It's interesting how many more people have a variety of food issues these days!

I guess I'll leave you at that, and see who else my age has died in the last few hours. Someone said that Facebook is becoming Deathbook, with all the "RIP" posts. I'm not surprised when sick people or people who live marginal and dangerous lifestyles die, but poor ole Billy Mays was just a nice guy who can sell stuff--he seemed pretty healthy...

Wednesday Wonders #8: Gwynneth of Braesgate

Yesterday was a hard one. As if the job disappointment wasn’t enough, we had come to the very hard decision that it was time to let Gwynneth, our Welsh corgi, go off to join all my past canine and feline companions. It was not a fun thing to do, at all. I know it was right—she couldn’t walk anymore and had lost control of her bladder and bowels. Not fun for either her or us. Picking her up to bathe her after these incidents was hurting me, too, as was the close contact (I have grown allergic to her dander since her illness). It was so hard for her to get around, not being able to walk or see. Lee and I took her to the vet, hoping for a peaceful last few minutes, but it didn’t work out that way. She got all scared and upset when they were putting in her IV, which took forever. I feel horrible about that, and about how upset she was when we were trying to comfort her during her last minutes. I wanted her to peacefully transition, but, as usual, her plan was to make a lot of noise and fuss. I guess it fit her disposition.

To honor the 12 years we spent with her, I have made Gwynneth of Braesgate the Wednesday Wonder this week. We got Gwynnie right after we moved into this house. We had decided the kids were old enough for a puppy, and that since I worked from home, it would be not too bad training one. I chose the breed, looking for something not too big or small. I now wish that the cute “frapping” the corgi magazines and websites all talked about had been adequately translated to “incessant sharp barking.” I was ready for the “blowing of coat” aspect of corgis, but I think I thought it would last a few weeks a year, not about half.

We got her from a breeder in San Marcos, and were able to meet her parents. We were relieved that she was raised in the home, not a cage or anything. She was the puppy that seemed to like us the most. We enjoyed her puppyhood a lot, and even did puppy training. She failed at “lie down” because she was so short-legged that you couldn’t lower a treat enough to get her to go down. She loved to go for walks, but had a life-long habit of wanting to hold the leash in her mouth as she walked. So, we let her do that, and she did fine. We walked her a lot, for years, until the mean neighbor chased me down on a walk with Scrunchy, because I’d used up all my poop bags and he went again. I was heading home to get another bag, but he was so awful that I just never walked the dogs again, other than a couple of short ones since Lee moved in. (The joy of walks is diminished by having to carry smelly dog crap around with you, anyway, though I agree it is nice to clean up.)

Gwynnie always “smiled” like my mother, and sometimes I got the feeling she was like Mom. Who knows, maybe people show up again as dogs. This agnostic grants that anything is possible, and I have no proof either way. But it’s a nice thought.

She was mostly a very happy dog, and would have been an ideal canine companion except that she just barked too much. Way too much. If she saw someone moving on the cul-de-sac, heard a car, thought maybe there was a cat outside, or whatever, she’d start to bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. Slightly off rhythm. And that inspired the other dogs to join in. I have to admit it was incredibly annoying. And we could never cure her of jumping up on people, no matter how many knees to the chest we delivered or how we ignored her until she did the right thing. Only blindness cured that—she couldn’t aim anymore. Her other annoying habit was trying to eat other dogs’ food. Poor Scrunchy can’t eat as quickly as her, and for years we have had to stand between them so she wouldn’t rush over and finish his food. Rose eats so slowly that it took Lee quite some time to get them all calm and only eating their own stuff! Again, blindness helped. Lee took to scattering some of her food near her dish, so she’d get all distracted ferreting that out that the other dogs would have time to finish their meals.

Gwynnie liked all the other dogs, and she and Scrunchy had a blast when he was a puppy. They played and played. They’d tug on the same chew toy until they were totally spent. Those years were fun, when we had those two and lots of time to spend with them. She enjoyed Rose, too, even when she couldn’t see her. Rose learned to bring a toy to Gwynnie to play with her.

The last couple of years were hard for Gwynnie. As you probably know, she suddenly went blind right after one of my jobs ended. I spent so much money on the various vets, when I didn’t have anything to spare. And we never got a better diagnosis than “some fungus or something.” She did OK until 6 months or so ago when there seemed to be something wrong with a foot. They said it was the fungus and that it would only get worse. Then it became harder to walk, as I’ve mentioned. The last few days were really bad. She made a lot of mess in the house and was cutting herself on the legs by dragging them. A couple of people I know have mentioned having dogs like this, where the front half seems happy and the back half so sad. How do you know when the balance between OK quality of life and not-so-OK quality is reached?

I wish I’d had more time with the dogs the last few years. I like to have someone home with dogs. It worked out fine when I worked from home, then when Jeff was home most days. When Lee came, not only did two more dogs show up, but when we are both working, the dogs end up alone during the day. They get into mischief then. This is not really how I wanted it. And I feel bad for the dogs not having much human company. At least they have each other. I hope that the other three don’t get too sad when they realize she’s gone. Buddy will be breathing a sigh of relief, since she and he didn’t get along to well at first, and she was always getting in his way during the mad scrambles to eat or greet some poor unfortunate visitor. On the other hand, as the photo shows, toward the end, Gwynnie and Buddy spent a lot of quality time together. She used him as a guide dog sometimes, following him wherever he went (to his annoyance—he has been known to pee on her).

I guess you can see I have mixed feelings here. I really enjoyed Gwynnie, especially when we just had two dogs. It was challenging accommodating her special needs for the past couple of years, but I didn’t mind all that much—it’s part of the commitment you make when you get a pet. I do think the house will be quieter, and there’s at least a little chance that some time we could go out of town and have someone watch the other dogs for a couple of days.

I guess Gwynnie’s like any of us. She had her good and bad points. She was loving and kind, and fun to pet. She’d roll over and wag her stub of a tail to get you to rub her belly. She was not big on begging for table scraps, once we cured Jeff from giving them to her, and she was very good about getting into her crate when told. It was her haven and she’d run in there any time there were raised voices in the household. She insisted on participating in gift opening every Christmas-- always right in the middle of everything, loving the bows and boxes. And when she could run, she was like a rocket playing fetch. That’s my best memory of her, running like a low-flying missile with her toy in her mouth.

Thank you to everyone who has said nice things to me about her passing. I appreciate all the words. Pets really are members of the family, and there’s a hole in your life when you lose one. I’ve lost both my cats and Gwynnie in the last few years. Gwynnie and Seamus weren’t that old, either. I wish they could have stayed longer. I could use a break on this kind of thing, too.

I have a baby shower to go to this evening, so maybe that will cheer me up. I wish I’d managed to block the baby blanket, but I was a bit overly weepy and sad last night.

Time Marches On, Sigh

I am reminded today, in the midst of some rough times with former friends and organizational in-fighting, that I had some wonderful times in my long-term job with the nonprofit organization. A lot of funny things happened, and I met some of the most wonderful people on earth.

One of them passed away this morning. She was the oldest of the women who started the organization, and one of the ones I'd had the most contact with. As the picture shows, much of our contact was with strong beverages in hand (hers were usually a Cosmo). In this 2005 photo, Edwina was pushing 90, but still a barrel of laughs. She was most thrilled and honored to pose for the cover of the never-written memoir my graphic design partner and I wanted to do. The furthest the book got was this poorly PhotoShopped mock book cover we made as a joke. (I assure you, David could have made a much better book cover when the time came--he is quite the talented one when it comes to images.)

Here's her obituary, if you'd like to read more.

I think a lot of people have a huge hero-worship thing going with the women who founded the organization, and have sanctified them to the point where no one would dare suggest they could do any wrong, make a mistake, or be human. But, they are humans. Nice ladies, some of whom had some strange ideas along with their wonderful mothering instincts and love for babies. But, they were great mentors, excellent listeners, and quite innovative in many ways. Edwina listened to me and my friends for hours, never tiring of helping more and more women try to find different ways to make the world better for babies, children and parents. She lived a long life, got to see her children become successful, as well as good parents themselves, and left a legacy of humor kindness and cheer that many, many people will never forget. A toast to dear Edwina!

Not much else is going on except in my mind. We had Lee's tarot friends over for dinner last night, and that has left me feeling a bit sickly--I don't think they did it, but it must be something I ate. They were most pleasant. And we sang Beatles songs at church, including a wonderful a capella version of "Because," all arranged by a talented church member.

As a fun weekend activity, I have mostly dwelt on my inner failings, poor judgment of others (at the moment I am totally unsure who my friends are and aren't), and the meaning of loyalty, none of which is doing me a bit of good. But, it's something I am good at doing, heh heh.

I am going to stop dwelling on all my personal issues right now and go knit and be happy that my wedding shawl yarn arrived. Lee says we should get married three weeks after it is done. Yeah, that's a way to plan!

Thinking of Others

I haven't really felt much like writing--trying to figure out what to do about my "career" is not great reading material, and it is taking so much energy to appear perky at work that I don't have a lot to spare. But I do know things are worse for others.

Please, if you have any spare energy, send it in the direction of our former housemate Jeff and his family. His mother is still in and out of the hospital, and that's been going on for months (not to mention her pneumonia earlier in the year). He says she has been rather out of it, and it concerned. But it got worse yesterday, when neighbors found her sweet husband, Tom, passed away in bed. They hadn't been married very long at all, and really didn't get a lot of time to enjoy each other with all their various medical setbacks. At least they got in a couple of nice trips. He sounded like such a kind person, and I had hoped to get to know him more. He was taking such good care of her--I know he didn't want to leave her. Now Jeff's family has to figure out who's going to help with Rose, what to do about her...gosh, they will be so overwhelmed. She will be a mess--this is her second time as a widow, plus her very nice boyfriend before Tom also died. My heart is hurting for their whole family.

Lots of deaths and funerals among my local friends, too, which has me thinking a lot about it. Not in a bad way--I am not worried about my own, just more concerned about how people have to deal with all the unforeseen consequences, on top of losing someone they care about in this life.

Thinking of how transitory our experience here really is always reminds me to enjoy my loved ones as much as possible. That's probably why I just can't expend a lot of energy being irritated at the kids or Lee over little things. The love I feel for them is so much more important and over-arching. I just want to be there for them, be a positive part of their life, be my best as much as possible, and show them the unconditional love they deserve. (Doesn't mean not being there to guide the children when they go astray, just not harping.)

Randomness and Moth ID

Random Topics for the day...

1. Good Work, Lee! I am proud of how Lee keeps plugging away at looking for work, and doing his best at interviews. There's another one on Friday! Yesterday's sounded hard, but like he did a fine job on it. And he is taking care of me and the kids as I hyperventilate over paying for things like roof deductibles, insurance, and cars (the latter not bought yet, thanks to all the other bills).

2. Grr to the Irritating. There's a lady on an email list I am on who thinks that she has every right in the world to insult people who's opinions differ from hers. I like how others on the list are simply modeling ways of stating opinions that don't put others down.


3. That Darned Bug. Yesterday I had fun showing two little girls the pretty moth I had found on the corridor to the work parking lot. As I left, I heard their dad or granddad telling a group of other people walking down to come see the cool moth. I think my moth is famous now. And this morning I saved another little warbler who was beating her wings at the glass doors. I had to scoot her out with my hands, but she's free now. I realize that she is probably endangered, so I did a good thing (we are in golden cheeked warbler habitat, which is one reason why all the woods around here were preserved). I sure like all the wildlife around here.


Anyway, hooray, here is the moth's bio:

Common Name: Great leopard moth
Scientific Name: Hypercompe scribonia (Stoll)Order: Lepidoptera
Description: The great leopard moth, Hypercompe scribonia (Stoll) (Lepidoptera: Arctiidae), with a 3-inch wingspan, is white with black open-circular spots on the forewings and a metallic blue abdomen with orange markings. Caterpillars grow to about 2 inches. The caterpillars are fuzzy black caterpillars with the underlying body color of red to orange.

Teamwork. I finally figured out that the reason work places do United Way is so that people can actually talk to each other and have some fun, for official purposes. The official employees are having great fun planning things, selling each other raffle tickets, and on and on. Heck, even the rest of us are getting to do some of the stuff! This afternoon I helped the other department tee pee my boss's office in retaliation for some humorous thing she did to their team. That's what she gets for going off on a boat ride with the visiting dignitaries, I guess. Nice to see these people loosening up a bit.

Thanks for all the good thoughts for Lee: he has another interview Friday, so be ready with good thoughts then!

Reminder of How Life Works

Here is a picture of one of my favorite places, other than the new media room. The local yarn shop (LYS). And two wonderful friends there (K, I can blank out your head if you don't want it there).


Friends. I've been thinking about friendship and transitions a lot. My friends are really important to me, and one thing that an upset me a lot is thinking I have not been a good friend to someone. And I feel good when I know I have been a good friend. Like last night at the LYS, where K. over there and I both needed to just unload some stuff. We went to the back of the store and unloaded. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you and not judge you, even when you are talking about times when you are not at your best, things that confuse you, or your regrets. I am glad to have had such a friend show up right when she was needed! I've made such good friends at this place--the owner (the other woman in the picture) has done a great job building a community of varied but generally kind souls.

Being a Friend When It's Hard. Some of those souls at the LYS have been challenging, and here's where I wonder how good a friend I have been. This week we lost a former colleague at the shop, a woman who'd had a hard time in her life, and sometimes didn't do a good job coping. And who had some "interesting" habits that could get on your nerves (examples excised). We all listened to her as much as we could, and tried to help, but none of that was enough--she just couldn't cope with all the challenges and injustices in her life. Was I a good enough friend to her? I don't think so. I was impatient a lot, even when I had empathy. I felt like, hey, I had similar issues and I handled them, so should she. But really, everyone copes differently--what is manageable to one person may not be to another. What seemed an obvious choice to me did not to her. I just hope a few of the things I said to her helped, a little. And the things our other friends did and said, especially one who was so, so patient and kind to her when she didn't have to be--I hope they eased her pain a little bit, at least for a while. And I am sort of relieved her pain in this life is over. I don't know if I could have coped in her situation, either.

What makes me say "grr": I see so many women I know in pain, having so much trouble just surviving, just because they chose to stay home with their kids, then had no "skills" when their husbands moved on to younger, prettier, or just different women. I get so angry at society (not the guys, really, most don't set out to hurt anyone else) for penalizing women for wanting to raise their own children, for paying women less all around, and for stacking the deck against single people in general. I am fine--I had an education and marketable skills when my marriage dissolved, and it has all worked out fine--everyone's happier now. But, among my circle of friends, especially those in the organization where I used to work and volunteer, there are so many not that lucky. Some hang on in marriages that are miserable for all involved, others run to the next person they can find, quick, without taking the time to make sure it is the RIGHT person...some fall between the cracks. Sigh.

Fairness. Well, who said life is fair? No one. It isn't. It's why I could not watch the V for Vendetta movie Lee was watching last night (Beccno's favorite--what an odd boy). Too much death of innocent folks who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Too much power madness, which reminds me too much of those in charge in the country where I live. Too much death--a thing I am not uncomfortable with, thanks to my spiritual path, but that bothers me when one human does not value another's life equally to theirs. Too much unfairness. Most days I cope; some days I hit a wall and it seems like too much.

Balance. It's all about cycles. Things are good for me. They aren't for others. When I was a mess, some others were flying high. And most of the time there's both good and bad for all of us. It all balances out. There's birth as well as death, hope as well as despair. That's what our wonderful friends are here to remind us of. All those things. To help keep us grounded, centered, and balanced as the ups and downs of the world go on around us.

Seamus

Well, I've gone from two dogs and two cats to 4 dogs in the past year. Jeff just found Seamus, my 12-year-old brown tabby in the back yard dead. No signs of injury. He is all afraid it died from being cold. I don't think so--he'd been out in much colder weather than it is here today. I worry that the big dog shook it or something, which you wouldn't see--they didn't get along. But, there is no way to know, so I will choose to believe something else happened. But I am sad, because he was the last remnant of when I had a happy, nuclear family who all enjoyed being with each other (at least as far as I knew), when we lived in Illinois, with all our work friends, the great neighbors, my play group, the pretty flowers and my beautiful yard, my women's circle, the kids' cool school...so now it is all totally gone.

Now I understand why I drew the Death card on Saturday. Well, if I choose to believe any of that has any actual tie with reality (agnostic until the end...).

The photo is of Seamus trying to decide whether to knit or watch TV...