(The reader needing cheery perky stuff may wish to skip this, because below I try to figure out why I had a hard time coping with things that weren’t all THAT bad, really.)
Stress-a-Rama
This weekend we got up extra bright and early and went to a workshop to fill out Tuba Boy’s financial aid forms, without having filled out our tax forms because Lee does them via a guy in south Texas and does not do them early like I always have. Trying to guess all the numbers was an interesting experience. But at least we got the form filled out by the deadline for his first school.
The yarn shop was also more challenging than usual, which led straight into going home at 5 pm and finding out house guests were on the way. Turns out Lee’s family just gets in the car and shows up, unlike mine, who tell you months in advance if they are visiting. It’s just one of those different ways of doing things that frequently occur, but I was sorta ill prepared for this, since Lee’s step-son from the previous marriage had said he was coming a half dozen times before and not made it. I hadn’t even met him until he showed up after our wedding ceremony. I’d gotten ready the previous times when nothing happened, so I got lax and forgot which weekend it even was. (I thought last weekend was Valentine’s weekend, not Son of Lee birthday weekend.) And I had no idea they’d be spending the night (he brought the very well dressed fiancée too), so I had not made sure there were clean sheets and towels, plus there was an immense television on the guest bed. Son of Lee moved it. Now it’s on the old entertainment center that also needs to go somewhere other than the dining room (it seems to be the staging area for extra stuff and I can’t keep it the way I’d like it to be). Back to topic, it was good to meet another person from Lee’s family, of course, and I realize having the room ready, food available for visitors’ breakfasts, and the rooms made livable is not as important to others as it is to me (it’s a woman thing or something like that). As it was, they arrived at 10 pm, talked for two hours, went to sleep, went to church with us and left. I hope it was worth the drive from Houston! At least it was an interesting enough church service, and Lee seemed quite ecstatic about the time together, so it probably was worth it!
Stress Continues
Things didn’t really improve for me after church, though I had a nice time talking to Tuba Boy while waiting for a rehearsal for a church service band. I couldn’t even manage to sing “When the Saints Go Marching In,” a song I certainly know HOW to sing. They, accidentally written words on the wrong parts of the sheet music, so I kept trying to sing the chorus as the band played the verse. I am sure the choir director, who was just hanging out, thought I was nuts because I was having so much trouble on a simple song. At least she realized it when she looked at the music. And poor Tuba Boy had no tuba, so tried to play bass instead. He still has not learned the notes on guitar. That is amusing, since he is so good at reading music on the tuba. So, that was unpleasant and stressful.
Stress Tightens Its Grip
Sunday afternoon we decided to do something fun and different, which was go spend our wedding gift certificate to Ten Thousand Villages, one of those stores that sells fair trade doo-dads from around the world. I was counting my knitting and realized Lee had missed the only useful exit for getting to South Congress, which got us off on the wrong foot. Then it became difficult to find a parking space. And then on the way out, I didn’t look up in time to see that Lee was going straight into a road that was really a very crowded parking lot. It ceased to be fun, though it continued to be different. Suddenly we were in the car with someone we thought had moved out two years ago! Since one of the hardest parts about living with Jeff was when he (invariably) got angry in traffic, poor Beccano and I probably had post traumatic stress kick in, so we tried to just be quiet. We all did live through the journey and even had an OK time at Things Celtic, where I got Beccano a silver necklace that reminded him of his band’s name. I had not intended to get myself anything, but a similar necklace with a moonstone in it, which the owner of the shop had bought in Glastonbury made me feel a lot calmer, so I got it.
Love in the Air
That’s enough of me being grumpy about my weekend. The good news is both boys now have girlfriends. That’s a new one! I’ve always liked Scrabble Queen, the one who’s been hanging around with Tuba Boy a lot recently, and it is weird to see them dating only because they met in first grade. And wow, she is an amazing Scrabble player (we’ve been playing on Facebook, which is loads of fun). I don’t really know Parker’s Friend, who is the object of Beccano’s affection, but she seems just fine and cute, and Parker can vouch for her. The three of them spent Saturday together and it sounds like they, at least, had a great time. I must say having BOTH boys with girlfriends makes me feel old, but I am glad Becanno has started communicating with the opposite sex more.
Uh-Oh, More Self Analysis
I do know why it was so hard for me to get through the weekend, though. For the past week or two I have been even more sensitive to the mental states of other people around me than usual. That’s quite unfortunate timing, since I’ve been running into double and triple whammies of very strong, very scattered states of being. Nearly everyone I spent a lot of time with for the past few days has been overwhelming to me. I put on my bear necklace and it helped some. Even if it’s just psychologically helpful, that’s fine with me! It is no wonder I had more trouble than usual coping with various things—at times I felt like I was in a completely unfamiliar world, where the people around me understood what was going on and I was coming from some other culture and was just clueless as to how things work in the new world. (That’s how I felt when I had that unfortunately inappropriate job last year.) At least in the end I was kind, a good hostess, patient and more patient.
Spring Is Also in the Air!
But, all is not lost. At least time is marching on in a good way, and signs of spring are popping up all over the area. In fact, I looked up at the redbud tree Saturday morning and was really surprised to see some early pinkness. Woo! All the really early plants are saying hello, so I’ve enjoyed the “tulip trees,” some flowering pears, a shrub with very pink blossoms whose name I can never remember, and of course, my pansies. They are leftover from the wedding, but they are looking a lot better now that the really cold snap is over, and when I sit on the new porch, I am delighted by their fragrance. The yellow ones really smell good.
Everybody has a rough weekend occasionally, so I’m not too worried.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, April 11, 2008
Welcoming
Pineapples are a sign of welcome, so I thought this would be a good photo for this post. I have been putting it off a few days, but I should write it all down.
Here is some stuff I wrote on a piece of paper on Wednesday:
I had a rough day yesterday and did not feel welcome--one of those days that make me glad I draw tarot cards every day for guidance. The cards told me to keep to my highest principles and protect myself, because there was some strife/duplicity in the surroundings. It's about work stuff, which I try not to write too much specifically about in here. Mainly I have been feeling rather unwelcome there--just noting that I am specifically not asked for input even on things I am "up" on, not included in office small talk (to the extent that, if I do try, I am ignored/talked over), etc. And the couple of people who are OK to me even seem to think I am dim--tell me stuff is "over my head" or assume I don't know how things are done (like I wouldn't know not to use materials straight from another source, or that handouts/presentations need to be reviewed). What corporate rock must I have been living under in my entire working life? On that one, I think it's just that the person may be worried that I want to do "their thing." I was sort of shocked by getting what felt like a reprimand for saying there would be handouts in a training session. I felt bad--I didn't know you could DO training without handouts, so I didn't view it as a special added bonus.
Worse, though, was yesterday, when I slipped up and tried to offer words of support to a new mother and got a very rude and unkind reaction because of where I used to work/volunteer. I immediately apologized and backed away. Luckily it was about lunch time, so I was able to just leave. This reaction I got does explain why the pregnant person and the new mother have been noticeably unfriendly--I guess a couple of others are just going along with them as part of a clique. I find it regrettable that they prejudged me before actually getting to know my opinions or views. But, it's easy enough to be quiet, speak when spoken to, and stick to work topics.
I am proud of myself for not doing what I usually do and try to explain myself or defend myself (or the incredibly dysfunctional nonprofit organization whose judgmental representatives probably gave these women the bad impression in the first place). When she apologized later via IM, I just said my intention was to support her instincts because she knows her situation best. She said she appreciated that and I said OK. The end. I will not participate in conversations about child rearing in the office again. That is easy to do. Just act busy. I have church, email and knitting friends willing to talk about family stuff with me, so I don't need support or openness at work.
I hope that, in time, I find friends or a place of comfort on campus. Otherwise, days will be long. I hope they fill me with lots to do soon, too. That will help. I can easily bury myself in work when I have some. This kind of unkindness makes me sad. But, I have insurance here. I need to stick with it and be strong.
....
The good news is that I am feeling a lot better at the end of this week than I was earlier. I have had plenty of work the past couple of days to keep me busy, and people have been treating me "normally" (including me in conversations, etc.) Maybe it's blown over.
It has also helped greatly to have Lee's support and kindness when I have needed it. Just to sit together and watch the oak pollen blow around has been healing. (We had a rain night before last that knocked most of the oak blossoms off the trees--the volume is incredible.)
My knitting friends made me feel better on Wednesday, too. They are very welcoming! Just sitting at the big table and enjoying the friendly conversation, kindness and generosity of the very diverse group there reminded me that people CAN get along even when they have different views on lots of subjects. It's been a lot more open and friendly there in recent months, and that makes me happier. It helps me remember I do still have friends and support, even with Tuba Boy distancing himself and Jody moving across the Big Ocean.
Here is some stuff I wrote on a piece of paper on Wednesday:
I had a rough day yesterday and did not feel welcome--one of those days that make me glad I draw tarot cards every day for guidance. The cards told me to keep to my highest principles and protect myself, because there was some strife/duplicity in the surroundings. It's about work stuff, which I try not to write too much specifically about in here. Mainly I have been feeling rather unwelcome there--just noting that I am specifically not asked for input even on things I am "up" on, not included in office small talk (to the extent that, if I do try, I am ignored/talked over), etc. And the couple of people who are OK to me even seem to think I am dim--tell me stuff is "over my head" or assume I don't know how things are done (like I wouldn't know not to use materials straight from another source, or that handouts/presentations need to be reviewed). What corporate rock must I have been living under in my entire working life? On that one, I think it's just that the person may be worried that I want to do "their thing." I was sort of shocked by getting what felt like a reprimand for saying there would be handouts in a training session. I felt bad--I didn't know you could DO training without handouts, so I didn't view it as a special added bonus.
Worse, though, was yesterday, when I slipped up and tried to offer words of support to a new mother and got a very rude and unkind reaction because of where I used to work/volunteer. I immediately apologized and backed away. Luckily it was about lunch time, so I was able to just leave. This reaction I got does explain why the pregnant person and the new mother have been noticeably unfriendly--I guess a couple of others are just going along with them as part of a clique. I find it regrettable that they prejudged me before actually getting to know my opinions or views. But, it's easy enough to be quiet, speak when spoken to, and stick to work topics.
I am proud of myself for not doing what I usually do and try to explain myself or defend myself (or the incredibly dysfunctional nonprofit organization whose judgmental representatives probably gave these women the bad impression in the first place). When she apologized later via IM, I just said my intention was to support her instincts because she knows her situation best. She said she appreciated that and I said OK. The end. I will not participate in conversations about child rearing in the office again. That is easy to do. Just act busy. I have church, email and knitting friends willing to talk about family stuff with me, so I don't need support or openness at work.
I hope that, in time, I find friends or a place of comfort on campus. Otherwise, days will be long. I hope they fill me with lots to do soon, too. That will help. I can easily bury myself in work when I have some. This kind of unkindness makes me sad. But, I have insurance here. I need to stick with it and be strong.
....
The good news is that I am feeling a lot better at the end of this week than I was earlier. I have had plenty of work the past couple of days to keep me busy, and people have been treating me "normally" (including me in conversations, etc.) Maybe it's blown over.
It has also helped greatly to have Lee's support and kindness when I have needed it. Just to sit together and watch the oak pollen blow around has been healing. (We had a rain night before last that knocked most of the oak blossoms off the trees--the volume is incredible.)
My knitting friends made me feel better on Wednesday, too. They are very welcoming! Just sitting at the big table and enjoying the friendly conversation, kindness and generosity of the very diverse group there reminded me that people CAN get along even when they have different views on lots of subjects. It's been a lot more open and friendly there in recent months, and that makes me happier. It helps me remember I do still have friends and support, even with Tuba Boy distancing himself and Jody moving across the Big Ocean.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
She Started It!
Lenten Ventin': Sometimes I wish that people with child-related issues would not try to raise children anyway. They treat their children oddly, which then causes them to have emotional issues, which they then pass on to their children. My grandmother, the lovely twin who viewed herself as "not good enough" because her sister, 20 minutes younger, was "the baby" and got all the good presents, preferential treatment and such, started a trend in my maternal line (or probably continued something: all but maybe one of her siblings had some pertty strong mental illness symptoms). My grandmother resented her sister her whole life. Then she married a Swede who showed up on a white horse and had a baby, who apparently was quite the wonder baby, until he died around age 2, in his sleep. This did not help matters. She began her history of "nervous breakdowns" at this point. A few years later, she had a daughter, my mother, who was endlessly compared to her dead sibling and found wanting. Her brother would have been smarter, he would have been athletic, he would never have "talked back." My poor mother was treated pretty horribly by my grandmother--some sounds pretty abusive (the grandfather was apparently quite nice, but worked a lot).
Fast forward to my mother trying to escape this family by running off and marrying a dashing alcoholic/drug addict (in the 40s!) after her beloved died in Pearl Harbor (starting HER on her "nervous breakdown" history). She gave birth to my sister, then fled the abusive fellow and went back to live with her parents. So my sister was raised by two women who were constantly told they were not "good enough." She was raised as the Golden Darling of Perfection, which was hard to live up to, since she wasn't a great student and had other normal human elements. She quickly learned to kiss up to her two maternal figures, to survive.
Well, eventually, my mother met my dad and they got married. Due to me coming along. My sister tried to move in with them, but the grandmother had a "nervous breakdown" and she had to go back. I showed up, and was not blonde, thin or doe eyed. I didn't kiss up either. So, I was endlessly found lacking in comparison to my beautiful half sister. I compensated by trying to be smart and not screw up. So, to this day I am really hard on myself if I mess up, don't get the job, disappoint someone, or otherwise exhibit a flaw. Which of course I have plenty of.
So my vent is that I really wonder if my mom and grandmother ought to have raised kids, seeing how they came from a long line of people who compare children and TELL them they find them lacking. (My sister, of course, feels lacking in comparison to me, and my brother's jealousy is pathological.)
Right now I am dealing with having kids who don't have self esteem issues, so are just fine not over-achieving. I love that I seem to have broken the cycle, but dang, it's so hard to watch them not try to be the valedictorian! However, I can see that by being the best person they can be, they will grow up much more well balanced than their mom.
And their mom is a real mess right now. All the job and money stress is taking me farther than I can cope with. And now Tuba Boy's car has broken (I think he may have hit a bump too quickly that broke a clutch cable). I had hoped the car would not IMMEDIATELY become a money pit. And I am having trouble helping the kids, doing what Lee would like, and fulfillling other obligations without disappointing one or more people. Trying to get all the things done that needed done yesterday was quite a challenge, and it still ended up awful, even though I did my part and was everywhere I was supposed to be.
Job Seeking: I applied for some more jobs yesterday, did a phone interview with ALE, and talked to a couple more people. Tomorrow is the big university job interview. Of course, campus will be crazy due to the Presidential Debate later in the afternoon.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Dixieland
Long-time readers of this blog may now wish to point out to me that photos of a child playing a tuba are the "cute kitty" of my blog. I know I have a lot of them in here. But, I still can't believe my own offspring can play a tuba!
So today's thrill was the Dixieland band playing at church. There's Tuba Boy along with a nice visitor who plays trombone and the offspring of another blog reader on clarinet (not sure if I am allowed to give her pseudonym or not). The picture at right shows the whole group playing. There was piano, trombone, tuba, clarinet, electronic thing that acts like a trumpet or clarinet or sax, real trumpet and guitar. The ages range from 16 to almost 70. I love it that the older couple pictured takes the time to mentor young people and give them a chance to play their instruments in styles they may not get to in band.
Another significant feature of the day is that our church had the largest attendance ever. Even more than Christmas Eve, which usually draws in a lot of visitors. One reason they came is the guitar player, who you see at left was also the minister of the day. He's our ministerial intern, and I have to say the church was really lucky to get him. I wish he could work here while Rev. Chuck goes on sabbatical, because he is a really good sermon writer and very engaging as a person, even if he sorta looks like he's Tuba Boy's age. He talked about the first UU principle, which deals with respecting the worth and dignity of every human being. Now that sounds dry, but he did a great job with it--you know that IS hard to do--it means respecting Bush, Kim Jung Il, Osama, murderers, etc. Not liking them, but acknowledging their humanity. Also (and this is what made me cry) he reminded us that we are all worthy of our own respect. That was what I needed to hear yesterday.I hadn't really wanted to go anywhere in the morning. My tarot cards hinted I should stay home. But I am glad I went to church. I got to give one lady a scarf I made, I got to show another friend the socks I am knitting for her sick daughter, and I got to have a great conversation with one of my favorite "youth" from church (now a college grad) who had just come back from doing work for Obama's campaign in New Mexico. It was a real stretch for him, but he did it, and to see him so happy from doing valuable work as a US citizen made me feel great. I am so proud of this kid, who once babysat my boys.
The rest of the day I cleaned pet-related things. We got a few new fish and I cleaned the tank, always a challenge. Then I washed the pug. He had some disgusting encrusted poop on him, plus bread batter I'd dropped on him (duh, he stands under me when I cook). THEN I cleaned the bird cage. It was, shall we say, a bit overdue. Bird sure looks happy now with her new toys and cuttlebone and seed treat. Lee worked hard, too, and put up one of the blinds in the office. Of course today it isn't sunny, so I don't get to try out their sun-blocking power!
Lenten Ventin': Today it's me. Why do I get so weepy? I got all weepy at Tuba Boy Saturday night because I don't get to see him or his friends much and I worry that they don't want to hang around us. I wish I could not let my stress spill out on to the kids.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Blow This Stress Away
My hope is that this long line of at least 17 tubas and sousaphones will help me blow away all the little stresses that have just not been stopping for over a week now. (The picture depicts both the high school tubaboys and the two middle schools that feed our school as well, who joined our kids at last Friday's game.)
By the time I got home from work, after witnessing an accident right in front of me and dealing with horrible stopping and going prior to that, I was shaking and needed to sit. I gathered up some things to take pictures of, then Lee came up and said he saw the back gate wide open, and the two swift dogs were gone. I saw Rose down the block, so he got her. But Scrunchy must have taken off like a bullet. So, instead of resting, we dog searched. He was thinking someone opened our gate, because the pot that blocks it was neatly moved, not pushed over. So we were all worried he'd been stolen (as if he is a valuable pedigreed dog, which you'd know he wasn't if you knew what a pug is supposed to look like).
After both of us driving around for a half hour, I came in and found a phone message saying someone had gotten him, on the street around the corner from us (the farthest one). He had ran a LONG way. So I rushed to my choir rehearsal, only to get stuck behind another wreck.
Thank goodness singing is calming. I just concentrated on the music and let the other stuff slide away. Whew. I am so glad I have these outlets!
Tonight no rehearsal or other scheduled event (the only night this week). I hope we can watch a movie and relax. I need to.
By the time I got home from work, after witnessing an accident right in front of me and dealing with horrible stopping and going prior to that, I was shaking and needed to sit. I gathered up some things to take pictures of, then Lee came up and said he saw the back gate wide open, and the two swift dogs were gone. I saw Rose down the block, so he got her. But Scrunchy must have taken off like a bullet. So, instead of resting, we dog searched. He was thinking someone opened our gate, because the pot that blocks it was neatly moved, not pushed over. So we were all worried he'd been stolen (as if he is a valuable pedigreed dog, which you'd know he wasn't if you knew what a pug is supposed to look like).
After both of us driving around for a half hour, I came in and found a phone message saying someone had gotten him, on the street around the corner from us (the farthest one). He had ran a LONG way. So I rushed to my choir rehearsal, only to get stuck behind another wreck.
Thank goodness singing is calming. I just concentrated on the music and let the other stuff slide away. Whew. I am so glad I have these outlets!
Tonight no rehearsal or other scheduled event (the only night this week). I hope we can watch a movie and relax. I need to.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Making Joyful Noises, Gratitude Amid Stress
I am glad I went to the first rehearsal of the Round Rock Community Choir last night, even though I was having some big ole stress issues from Lee's job going away. Flashback to last year, sigh. Singing really helped take my mind off troubles, and made me feel better (just like the choir director said it would). The music was neither too easy nor too hard, and though it is incredibly Xtian, that's OK--it's for a Christmas concert. Now, the show tunes they want us to do for Sun City, ick. The director seems excellent, and I am looking forward to learning a lot from her. And my voice mostly worked all right. Only cut out a couple of times. I think it's getting better.
Last night, sitting with Lee and trying to comfort him, I realized that I felt a familiar way. I just looked up one of my favorite posts from just over a year ago, June 2006, when I had just been laid off. It is where I counted my anxiety symptoms. Ooh, they came back for a visit!
Rant On: Now, this post nearly got me fired as a knitting teacher because someone who didn't bother to talk to ME about it, called the LYS owner to say that they thought maybe I was too much of a mess to teach. I laugh about it now. That's one reason I de-linked this blog from the LYS site, my friends' blogs and such. Just so random do-gooders would have less success finding it. It's bad enough so many people who don't speak to me directly continue to read this all the time. It's worse when it's people I don't even know.
(Still not sure why someone would keep up with my daily ups and downs so obsessively but not ever tell me hello in person or at least leave a comment...but I guess we're all different, huh! So, hello to Sherwood, Jacksonville, Cedar Park and beyond!) Rant Off. I just need to make this point every couple of months, I guess.
Back to my main point--I can really see that job stress gets to me more than a lot of other stuff. Even Lee's. I am doing a lot better today, mainly because I have a lot more confidence in his marketability than mine. There's no 15-year gap filled only by a questional nonprofit organization gig to have to explain, for one thing. He's done some great stuff, and really deserves a better place to do more good work.
So, goodbye to my symptoms and hello to the positive outlook I eventually get to anyway. Doors closing means others open, and all those cliches.
Gratitude Tuesday (I was a bit stressed to say what I was grateful for yesterday):
I am grateful to you, my friends. Thanks to everyone who's emailed me and given suggestions and support to both me and Lee. They are both always welcome and very much apppreciated. Now I'll go sing something, at least in my head! It does one's spirit a world of good.
I am also so very grateful that Lee and I have each other now, so when the poop rains on our heads, we have someone holding a newspaper to deflect it.
Last night, sitting with Lee and trying to comfort him, I realized that I felt a familiar way. I just looked up one of my favorite posts from just over a year ago, June 2006, when I had just been laid off. It is where I counted my anxiety symptoms. Ooh, they came back for a visit!
Rant On: Now, this post nearly got me fired as a knitting teacher because someone who didn't bother to talk to ME about it, called the LYS owner to say that they thought maybe I was too much of a mess to teach. I laugh about it now. That's one reason I de-linked this blog from the LYS site, my friends' blogs and such. Just so random do-gooders would have less success finding it. It's bad enough so many people who don't speak to me directly continue to read this all the time. It's worse when it's people I don't even know.
(Still not sure why someone would keep up with my daily ups and downs so obsessively but not ever tell me hello in person or at least leave a comment...but I guess we're all different, huh! So, hello to Sherwood, Jacksonville, Cedar Park and beyond!) Rant Off. I just need to make this point every couple of months, I guess.
Back to my main point--I can really see that job stress gets to me more than a lot of other stuff. Even Lee's. I am doing a lot better today, mainly because I have a lot more confidence in his marketability than mine. There's no 15-year gap filled only by a questional nonprofit organization gig to have to explain, for one thing. He's done some great stuff, and really deserves a better place to do more good work.
So, goodbye to my symptoms and hello to the positive outlook I eventually get to anyway. Doors closing means others open, and all those cliches.
Gratitude Tuesday (I was a bit stressed to say what I was grateful for yesterday):
I am grateful to you, my friends. Thanks to everyone who's emailed me and given suggestions and support to both me and Lee. They are both always welcome and very much apppreciated. Now I'll go sing something, at least in my head! It does one's spirit a world of good.
I am also so very grateful that Lee and I have each other now, so when the poop rains on our heads, we have someone holding a newspaper to deflect it.
Thursday, June 8, 2006
Emerging!
[this was written this afternoon, but blogger was down and I couldn't post. since then I have had another whallop to the self esteem and can't sleep, but I know I will handle it in the morning.]
It is quite interesting to know one's self well enough to recognize one's stages of dealing with bad crap in life. I know I get very upset, then angry with a ton of irritated energy, then start trying to find the good in the situation, then suddenly a CLICK occurs and I am ready to move forward. I did my best last night, after reading some particularly hard-to-take email, to make that click happen. And that's good, because I was practically catatonic with worry about my friends, concern for others, and frustration.
The Dear Partner fed me a cocktail (mmm, delicious, though you might not imagine that Southern Comfort plus diet cherry limeade would be good), and that finally relaxed me enough to dig down and do some internal reorganizing. Made the shift to resignation and acceptance--since all along I knew there wasn't much I could do about the work stuff anyway.
I won't lie and say I feel no stress or concern today, but I am a lot better. I still felt badly for all the upset friends who were confused or angry, and wanted to help THEM transition, so I wrote an email with some ideas, encouraging them to do what works best for them--heck, if I had a chance to work with all the fun new stuff they are going to have at the former job, I'd try to find a way to do it that didn't compromise my morals, too! I hold nothing against any friends or former coworkers who want to participate.
So now, I can worry about what I NEED to worry about. Like I was just telling Jennifer in IM, my favorite communication method, my #1 nightmare since my husband left me was that I would suddenly end up unable to support myself and lose my kids. I know HE can afford to take care of them, but they are ALL I have. I realize that is why I feel such panic--my dear boys.
But, panicking doesn't get us anywhere! So, I am thinking them there positive thoughts for jobs #1 and #2, and looking forward to an interview for job #3, which came up this morning. At least I have possibilities! That is GREAT.
Now, I want to respond to the comment from yesterday's post, from Vicki. I chuckled a bit, because so much of what she wrote described my Dear Partner's mode of living. As a musician, he has always lived from paycheck to paycheck, and has rarely had "real" jobs--he has saved like crazy when he did, so he could live during lean times. And let me tell you, his frugality has been the key to how we have managed to stay in this big house the past three years. He has saved a lot on food, utilities and lots of other things--he's an amazing sale shopper--really earned his keep. But, he doesn't know how to make his own laundry soap, so send the recipe, Vicki!! It's been nice having him here, as with all the working I've been doing, I never have time to scour the sales for needed items--so we make a good team!
And remember, his podcasts are very, very good: http://www.austinconnection.com/. Plug Plug.
It is quite interesting to know one's self well enough to recognize one's stages of dealing with bad crap in life. I know I get very upset, then angry with a ton of irritated energy, then start trying to find the good in the situation, then suddenly a CLICK occurs and I am ready to move forward. I did my best last night, after reading some particularly hard-to-take email, to make that click happen. And that's good, because I was practically catatonic with worry about my friends, concern for others, and frustration.
The Dear Partner fed me a cocktail (mmm, delicious, though you might not imagine that Southern Comfort plus diet cherry limeade would be good), and that finally relaxed me enough to dig down and do some internal reorganizing. Made the shift to resignation and acceptance--since all along I knew there wasn't much I could do about the work stuff anyway.
I won't lie and say I feel no stress or concern today, but I am a lot better. I still felt badly for all the upset friends who were confused or angry, and wanted to help THEM transition, so I wrote an email with some ideas, encouraging them to do what works best for them--heck, if I had a chance to work with all the fun new stuff they are going to have at the former job, I'd try to find a way to do it that didn't compromise my morals, too! I hold nothing against any friends or former coworkers who want to participate.
So now, I can worry about what I NEED to worry about. Like I was just telling Jennifer in IM, my favorite communication method, my #1 nightmare since my husband left me was that I would suddenly end up unable to support myself and lose my kids. I know HE can afford to take care of them, but they are ALL I have. I realize that is why I feel such panic--my dear boys.
But, panicking doesn't get us anywhere! So, I am thinking them there positive thoughts for jobs #1 and #2, and looking forward to an interview for job #3, which came up this morning. At least I have possibilities! That is GREAT.
Now, I want to respond to the comment from yesterday's post, from Vicki. I chuckled a bit, because so much of what she wrote described my Dear Partner's mode of living. As a musician, he has always lived from paycheck to paycheck, and has rarely had "real" jobs--he has saved like crazy when he did, so he could live during lean times. And let me tell you, his frugality has been the key to how we have managed to stay in this big house the past three years. He has saved a lot on food, utilities and lots of other things--he's an amazing sale shopper--really earned his keep. But, he doesn't know how to make his own laundry soap, so send the recipe, Vicki!! It's been nice having him here, as with all the working I've been doing, I never have time to scour the sales for needed items--so we make a good team!
And remember, his podcasts are very, very good: http://www.austinconnection.com/. Plug Plug.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
Limbo, limbo, limbo
Waiting to hear whether the good job has come through has been a way of life for me since I interviewed, nearly two months ago. But now that I need to be making plans for what to do with my life, and SOON, it is really getting hard to take. I already have my gracious speech ready to give when I hear I don't have it, and think I can be calm if I do. It won't be coming out of the blue, so I won't get upset like I did when the firing call came.
I just feel in limbo, because I don't want to start canceling things (cable TV, phone services, maid, pest control, music lessons, all the little options in life that have to go when there's no income) when there is a chance I don't need to do so. And I don't want to spend a lot of time coming up with temporary money making schemes (what can I sell on Ebay, can I do tarot readings for extra bucks, etc.) that I don't need to. So, limbo limbo limbo, I wait in limbo. The nerves are shot.
Yesterday I did have a fairly decent interview for a job writing web training materials for a very large retail chain. The people seemed OK, the job not a total snooze, the location not too far but in bad traffic until the new toll road comes through, but it's not exciting and fascinating like the one I hope to get. But am not counting on. But at least I still have a chance at something.
It has been really hard having to tell my dad and sister I got fired. My big psychological nemesis is wanting to please my dad and be a success, so admitting failure is really hard. Even when it is not all my fault (like my inner voice keeps screaming--shut up, inner voice!!), I hate to worry him when he has enough worries. Oh well, that is all done.
Fellow readers, if you have any ideas for different kinds of things I could do temporarily while waiting for a job more in my field, let me know! I already figure I'll hit all the Hobby Lobby and Michael's franchises if nothing pans out in the next week or two. Just for some income. I'll muddle through!
I will have some socks done soon, looks like. They are past the heel now. I think they are on needles that are too thick, though. But I successfully got through the heels on a two socks on one circular project!
Comment:
Vicki said...
Here are some things that helped me to pay off $10K in debt in one year.1. Use the library more. Return books on time. Filling up the hours with free, borrowed books and DVDs from the library means less time spent a) worrying about money and b) wishing you could spend money or worse, c) actually out spending money.
2. Cook with lentils. I can send you the lentil & rice casserole recipe from the "Tightwad Gazette" if you want... it is actually good.
3. Figure out if you can make things you buy instead of buying them. It's often much cheaper and not much work to do. I am currently using homemade laundry detergent that looks weird but works great and costs about 1/10 of what the regular stuff does. It takes almost no time to make a humongous batch.
4. The most effective thing I did by far was make a "price book" and start tracking the lowest possible prices on all the consumables we bought, mostly food. It is really incredible how much money you can save doing this, and aside from an initial investment of time it does not really take much more time than the regular grocery shops. Instructions for this are in the "tightwad gazette". I found software for my palm pilot called "pricebook" that I still use today.
5. Most importantly, have an attitude of triumph instead of deprivation when you are cutting corners. Instead of thinking "this sucks, poor me, I DESERVE not to have to do all this pinching pennies", think of it as a way to beat the system, a way to keep more of the money you worked so hard to bring into your life. Why should the grocery store owner line his pockets with that money when you can keep it yourself and use it for the things that bring YOU pleasure?Hope this helps.Vicki the tightwad
Wednesday, June 07, 2006 11:48:00 AM
I just feel in limbo, because I don't want to start canceling things (cable TV, phone services, maid, pest control, music lessons, all the little options in life that have to go when there's no income) when there is a chance I don't need to do so. And I don't want to spend a lot of time coming up with temporary money making schemes (what can I sell on Ebay, can I do tarot readings for extra bucks, etc.) that I don't need to. So, limbo limbo limbo, I wait in limbo. The nerves are shot.
Yesterday I did have a fairly decent interview for a job writing web training materials for a very large retail chain. The people seemed OK, the job not a total snooze, the location not too far but in bad traffic until the new toll road comes through, but it's not exciting and fascinating like the one I hope to get. But am not counting on. But at least I still have a chance at something.
It has been really hard having to tell my dad and sister I got fired. My big psychological nemesis is wanting to please my dad and be a success, so admitting failure is really hard. Even when it is not all my fault (like my inner voice keeps screaming--shut up, inner voice!!), I hate to worry him when he has enough worries. Oh well, that is all done.
Fellow readers, if you have any ideas for different kinds of things I could do temporarily while waiting for a job more in my field, let me know! I already figure I'll hit all the Hobby Lobby and Michael's franchises if nothing pans out in the next week or two. Just for some income. I'll muddle through!
I will have some socks done soon, looks like. They are past the heel now. I think they are on needles that are too thick, though. But I successfully got through the heels on a two socks on one circular project!
Comment:
Vicki said...
Here are some things that helped me to pay off $10K in debt in one year.1. Use the library more. Return books on time. Filling up the hours with free, borrowed books and DVDs from the library means less time spent a) worrying about money and b) wishing you could spend money or worse, c) actually out spending money.
2. Cook with lentils. I can send you the lentil & rice casserole recipe from the "Tightwad Gazette" if you want... it is actually good.
3. Figure out if you can make things you buy instead of buying them. It's often much cheaper and not much work to do. I am currently using homemade laundry detergent that looks weird but works great and costs about 1/10 of what the regular stuff does. It takes almost no time to make a humongous batch.
4. The most effective thing I did by far was make a "price book" and start tracking the lowest possible prices on all the consumables we bought, mostly food. It is really incredible how much money you can save doing this, and aside from an initial investment of time it does not really take much more time than the regular grocery shops. Instructions for this are in the "tightwad gazette". I found software for my palm pilot called "pricebook" that I still use today.
5. Most importantly, have an attitude of triumph instead of deprivation when you are cutting corners. Instead of thinking "this sucks, poor me, I DESERVE not to have to do all this pinching pennies", think of it as a way to beat the system, a way to keep more of the money you worked so hard to bring into your life. Why should the grocery store owner line his pockets with that money when you can keep it yourself and use it for the things that bring YOU pleasure?Hope this helps.Vicki the tightwad
Wednesday, June 07, 2006 11:48:00 AM
Saturday, June 3, 2006
Let's Count Symptoms!
I am awake, unable to sleep. So I am counting my anxiety symptoms instead of sheep! This will be fun. Man, imagine what they'd be without the anti-anxiety stuff!
Luckily, I am passing from the anger phase to the grief phase, and will soon be in resignation phase. No denial phase in this personal loss situation. And folks, realize a lot of this is just my grim humor, trying to rouse myself back into SuperSuna mode.
Good news dept: I have an in-person interview with my second job prospect, on Monday. Don't know if I mentioned that. And my kids are fine. And my partner has been really helpful and even applied for two jobs.
- unable to get to sleep (never a problem before in my life)
- eyes watering constantly
- right eye has had a tic since early in the week when I got a "vibe" that something was afoot
- occasionally, right side of mouth also twitches
- lovely pimples, all over my face
- digestive difficulties--even with stomach meds
- chest pains--I hate those the most
- shaking, leading to typing and knitting trouble
- difficulty being around people (not good when the only paying work you have left is teaching--but, I am fine when I am with them, just totally wiped by the time I get home from the effort)
- snapping at kids
- memory lapses and lots of them
- impatience when anyone else talks about THEIR problems, as if mine is the only one (ha ha ha, at least I know that's silly, and have listened enough to remember others have it just as bad as, or worse than me--I am rather ticked at myself for these feelings)
- constant thoughts about vengeful things I would do if I wasn't a pacifist, a person with strong moral convictions and ethics, or nice, which I then mentally berate myself for.
Luckily, I am passing from the anger phase to the grief phase, and will soon be in resignation phase. No denial phase in this personal loss situation. And folks, realize a lot of this is just my grim humor, trying to rouse myself back into SuperSuna mode.
Good news dept: I have an in-person interview with my second job prospect, on Monday. Don't know if I mentioned that. And my kids are fine. And my partner has been really helpful and even applied for two jobs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)