War and Metaphor (and Mom)

Something useful, if irritating, to read...

How Bush's Metaphorical War Became Real

I have been “enjoying” this article on AlterNet, one of my favorite sites (thanks to Elisabeth for reminding me to look!) by my hero George Lakoff. He is so good at identifying metaphors the conservatives use to manipulate people, but what I have been waiting and waiting for is for his lovely think tank to come up with some good metaphors we can use to promote ourselves as the virtuous and correct thinking ones. Hmm, maybe they are, but are not sharing them beyond policymakers and speech writers. I guess the Bushies read liberal websites, too.

What is pasted below is a comment on the Lakoff article someone wrote that could have been made by me (spelling errors not mine).

I'm Weak and unpatriotic
Posted by: Madnessfilm on Sep 12, 2006 4:15 PM
I am anti war period. If that makes me weak and unpatriotic so be it, better than sending my kids or anyone else's kids to die for no apparantely good reason. The "war on terror" should be waged against this administration, which uses terror to control the populace and scare reasonable people from standing up to them. ENOUGH already, I don't agree that by killing Iraqi women, men and children we are going to be safer. It's immoral and unjustified. Didn't we learn anything fromVietnam, the only way to stop people from killing us is by treating them with respect and dignity. Vietnam is one of our largest trading partners and the wounds of the war are slowly being healed. We should be trying to heal the Muslims anger with peace and not with bullets and force.

Yep, I am “weak” like that, too. But in some ways it takes a lot of strength to stick with one’s convictions in today’s environment, when some of those subtle metaphors are used to make anyone who is against war on principle into someone who “hates our boys over there.” I don’t hate people in the military, though I don’t particularly think it’s a great career choice (“oh boy, I want to kill people for a living” (and yes, as I have said before, I think most military jobs are about killing people or helping others kill people)).

What I end up shaking my head over is WHY it is so hard to choose peace and so easy to choose war? What is it about human animals that they seem compelled to form factions and turn on one another? Maybe that will be my next career, studying why this type of aggression “won” out in evolution. Eh, I guess natural selection is to thank, since the peaceniks are more likely to get wiped out by war mongers than vice versa. But, that doesn’t make mongering wars the right thing to do.

And on another note or two…

Today would have been my mother’s birthday if she hadn’t managed to smoke herself to death in 1984. For someone so overly medicated, she was a good mom. I am glad I got her crafty gene and not TOO much of the Canova family tendency to nasty ole mental illnesses. (You should have SEEN my mother’s mother and siblings. The best thing I can say is that only one of them had to be separated from society because of her illness (kleptomania). I sorta wish the kids had been able to meet her. On the other hand, perhaps one reason they are relatively well balanced is that they didn’t get the passive aggressiveness heaped on them from their grandmother that I got from both my mother and grandmother. Hmph.

Why I Don't Like Today

I never do real well on September 11, since the Big Day, when I swear everything started to go downhill. I think I was coping with the gradual downward spiral of my life at that point (falling for the wrong man at the wrong time, discovering my spouse was in his own midlife crisis, blah blah), but that day was when I had my existentialist epiphany. I really AM alone. Ever since the men in my life deserted me on that day (the "soul mate" fellow was there, but sorta threw me at a hotel and left me alone, and the spouse really didn't act concerned that I was stuck in another city, away from my children and him). I realize they were all shell shocked. All I had that day was my dear friend NJ, who braved ALL her issues to get me from O'Hare airport, then spent hours numbly watching TV coverage with me in the stark hotel room, where the usual planes were not rumbling in the background. OK, so I was not ALONE--I will always have a few people, most of whom are so, so far...but full of kindness (thanks NJ, and all my friends who called or emailed to check on me at that time). But, I felt alone all that week, and it got worse.

I already didn't trust most people. September 11 cemented my lack of trust in my government. And in the goodness of other humans. I can't grasp how anyone could consider another human's life expendable. It's why I am a pacifist. But I can see that people who DO consider others expendable can easily be the ones whose belief systems predominate (it's curtains for me, the nonreligious, female, liberal pacifist!). Then I see even people in causes and organizations I believe(d) in acting like humans are expendable and like there is no real reason to be kind or tolerant (my experiences in the past 2-3 years with the work, spiritual home, and friend issues). I want to continue to try to do good, be an example of kindness, love, and trust. But, I often feel alone in that. I need to see more of it in others at times like this.

So, I will go look for it. And try to "make it so" as soon as this temporary dark phase passes. Today, when I was really irritated and not feeling charitably inclined toward people who can't read and follow instructions, I went to the window and looked at a crepe myrtle tree. There was a beautiful yellow warbler eating the berries in it. I remembered there is so much more to Gaia/earth/us than people and their dorky issues. There is beauty--and some of it is harsh. That's the way it is. The world is full of death and life. Star Wars was right--there needs to be a balance in the Force. I just have to stop seeing one side or the other and not forget about the whole.

So, I don't like this day because it reminds me of how easy it is to lose your connection to your center, your family, your friends and your world.

Of course, I will eventually recall how I like this day, because eventually I remember all the kind and interesting people I met on my long and hard trek home (the Jewish anti-terrorist specialist from Peru who got us through the incredibly long line at O'Hare, the friendly IT guys I had so much in common with in the waiting area, the lovely people I sat with, petrified, on the plane home (two days later than scheduled--so that I missed the ONLY real gig my band EVER had), and how I learned that strangers can be friends.

This is probably gibberish. But it helps to type it out.

Comment

Tina said...
so, um...would you please give me the name and # of you stylist? I went Sunday for a haircut, and they screwed it up, so Monday I called and spoke to the store manager, and she set up an appointment for me with her. That was today, and my hair is STILL screwed up, so I think I need an appointment with a pro (I just went to TGF by BB). I would've emailed you, but I guess your old email is no more, and I only have your ALE email, and I didn't know if you'd get that at home.I'll be at CwS tomorrow so you all can see how tragic my haircut is.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006 7:06:00 PM

I Am an Evangelist

Why am I an evangelist? Well, remember my beloved pens I posted about a couple of weeks ago? I am their evangelist! At Barnes and Noble yesterday, when I was buying a bunch of school books and religious parodies for the older son, there were interesting pens at the checkout. The cashier mentioned how much she loved pens and wanted to try out one of the new pens (they were quite sealed). She said she was a writer, and on a quest for the ideal pen. Of course I launched into a heartfelt testimonial about the wonders of my Uniball .38 pens and showed her one. She was duly impressed and had me write down how to find them on the Internet and exactly which ones to get.

What's the Picture?

That is the car (supposedly a Yugo) that goes with the "You Go" award from work that I got a while back. Everyone who gets the award is supposed to contribute something to the car. For example, Karen who used to sit next to me, put teeny little golden versions of "fuzzy dice" on it. I had thought of just sticking a pansy on it, but my coworker suggested knitting a hat for the bobble-head tweetie bird who is driving the car. I got out my teeny 0000 needles and leftover sock yarn and made a hat that actually fits! Thanks to Genia for taking a picture for me.

The Weekend

I was pretty dead to the world over the weekend. Some of it was because last week at work was so intense (but we had MAJOR fun on Friday writing test questions ALL day long and laughing our butts off when we got punchy). It didn't help that what should have been a pleasant football game chaperoning experience ended up a very wet one. It drizzled through most of the game, including halftime (where the tubas performed valiantly, if not perfectly). But in the 4th quarter, it REALLY began to rain. We had ponchos (older boy's was pink, ho ho, and he stuffed it in the sousaphone). But, my birkenstocks were ruined by the end of the game (which the football team did win). Then, on the bus, I had to sit the bag of chaperoning supplies on me, which DRENCHED me. I should be glad we made it home--all the wet students caused the bus to fog up heinously, and there was no A/C and apparently no defrost. Fun.

Saturday I taught two nice women to knit, plus a bonus teen boy, which is always fun. We all cheered when a friend called the kid up and asked him what he was doing and he said, "Knitting...yeah, I am knitting!" What a fine young man! After that Jody and Tina and I went tarot card and bead shopping, which was quite fun and interesting. I especially enjoyed my Mexican barbecue lunch--the restaurant we ate at was really good. We met some interesting characters at Whole Life, spent a long time finding Tina a deck, then discovered they didn't have copies of it at the store. AAAA. She did purchase a different deck later (maybe she will explain in comments). It was fun going to the bead store, which was nice, but didn't have the large selection that they have at Nomadic Notions, and weren't organized by a system I could identify (probably made a lot more sense to actual beaders!!).

On Sunday I went back to the old spiritual homeplace, and it went better than last week. I avoided most irritants, got to spend some time with old friends, and was touched when a sweet elderly woman came up and told me how glad she was to see me. It was so nice to hear that from someone who wasn't really a close friend, just a nice fellow member.

Today I am sort of sick. I think I have whatever the youngest son had yesterday, with a weird sore throat and a lot of drainage. I am trying really hard to fight it off. Rah rah, fight fight.

Comment

Deb said...
Love Tweety's hat. That is so your touch.
Monday, September 11, 2006 11:06:00 PM

Bag, Before, and Long Day

It sure has been a long day. But even after 11 hours at work (ALE, sweet ALE), I managed to do laundry and am now felting my messenger bag made from the yarns we dyed. Just in case all the color washes out or something, I figured I'd better take its picture BEFORE felting/fulling. There is a sheep measuring tape in the photo so you can see the size it started out with, which is a little narrower than the knitty instructions said it would be, but then I used smaller needles, and Ella Rae yarn (originally off white), not Cascade. The strap is 65" but I draped it artistically, kind of. I also folded the flap so you can see the i-cord edging.

If you click the picture, you can see the individual stitches, which are no longer there, because it's felting away! All the stitches merged nicely. You will have a new picture by Saturday (I will be busy tomorrow working and going to the first high school football game, then Saturday is knitting class and bead shopping with pals, so I bet there won't be photo taking or blogging time until Saturday evening).

Well, this tired broad needs to get AWAY from a keyboard and go to bed. I have typed and looked at screens enough. But, I am proud of the work my group has been doing this week, and that's nice.

translation: This was all about work, even if I was enjoying it. It was work. Note that my employer is getting their money's worth with me. I haven't missed a deadline and have exceeded expectations, even if I happened to start dating a coworker in November.

Comments

deb said...
Looks like it will be really cool. Anton is felting his right now too. 5 wash cycles later it looks really quite nice. Now he just has to sew on the strap and he made pockets for the front of his to hold his phone and ipod. It is blocking and drying now.
Thursday, September 07, 2006 10:25:00 PM

Suna said...
I only ended up felting mine once, but I didn't want it to get too small. He probably made his larger or with two strands (I just used one, since it was my hand dyed yarn). The strap didn't felt well. I will have to do it again. Do send a photo of Anton's!
Friday, September 08, 2006 8:13:00 AM

Anton Olsen said...
Here's mine.http://knit.lr2.com/2006/09/09/man-bag/Plenty of texture left but it shrunk up nicely and should hold it's shape well.
Saturday, September 09, 2006 12:54:00 AM

Kidnews

Don’t you think it’s time I moved on to a different topic? Yes, I do, too. So I will talk about my children. I went to the high school open house last night, and it warmed my heart to hear how nicely the teachers spoke about the older boy (pictured at right in an image intended to highlight the fluffiness of his hair). They all talked about him being respectful yet funny, and a very interesting person. And more than one teacher talked about how this year’s group of students is so focused and interested in what they are learning. The Spanish teacher nearly made me cry. I should probably write her a thank-you note.

He makes me laugh and laugh with how he plays World of Warcraft, IMs his friends, and does his homework all at the same time. I sure passed on the multitasking gene. I really can’t chide him for it—that is how I work, too.

We are still working on organization with him--and doing his work at the last minute. But, hey, everyone has their challenges. I am really proud of how he meets challenges, works with others, and stays upbeat. He was SO happy to see his friends at the former spiritual home last Sunday—makes me want to go, whether I personally like it or not.

And the other boy, his interest in tarot has warmed my heart—I know sometimes he gets interested in things just to please his parents (he has decided to like watching marathons and stuff, to support his dad, which is sweet). But, he seems genuinely interested and quite intuitive about it. And he is really improving at school. After being so worried about him for so long, I think he will be all right. He is even coping with having a rather unpleasant group of fellow students at school this year. Makes me proud.

Both boys are helping more around the house, and not complaining about it. So, even if Dear Partner continues to point out their areas of improvement, I am sorta pleased at their progress. I am a lucky mother.

Comments

deb said...
My children have only met your oldest son at a conference just over a year ago. They still talk about what a neat person he was. He was entertaining them with this little finger puppet of an irish man or leprechaun maybe it was. They thought he was quite funny and very sweat since they are considerably younger than he was. You have done well in you parenting department.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006 9:25:00 PM

Suna said...
Thank you, Deb. One of my son's endearing comments is that he truly loves to entertain younger kids, and he likes to talk to them, not talk down to them. We will just have to get them all together, huh.
Thursday, September 07, 2006 5:47:00 PM

knittingwoman said...
My oldest has glasses and curly hair like that too. Sigh, I miss him, he lives so far away.Multitasking, that would be my second son. IM, music, webstuff and a tv in his room too when he was finishing up highschool.
Thursday, September 07, 2006 8:38:00 PM

Anonymous said...
gracias Piero
Wednesday, September 13, 2006 2:14:00 PM

Answer to Comment

ASIDE

Glad I finally got this picture to show up. Scrunchy says rest in peace to Steve Irwin. He loved the Crocodile Hunter show. Steve was an odd guy, but loved his life and his family. He did a lot of good.

ACTUAL CONTENT

Someone who did not say who they were (funny how people with criticisms don’t sign their names, isn’t it?) asked

“Nice to see your comments. For a number of years, I wondered why you supported the crap going on...until the axe fell a little closer to home...”

Ow. But, worth responding to. For those of you wondering why I kept my thoughts to just a few close friends, here are some points to note.

1. My feelings and thoughts changed over time. I started looking at new organizational structures and procedures with a very open mind, because I enjoy learning about new ideas and trying new ways of doing things. Mind you, I don’t change how I work willy nilly without seeing if a technique actually works or not, but I like to add new techniques and methods to my management and collaborative repertoire. (For example, I was skeptical about the Open Space meeting technique, but I tried it, and I realized it was a great technique for making certain kinds of decisions and doing certain kinds of work. Is it for every meeting? No. But it is in my repertoire now.)
   
2. I made sure I learned as much as I could about things. I went to all the meetings, read all the books I was given, read all the information from people with questions and concerns, etc. I considered all of this stuff. I also included my gut feelings, input from friends and all that. I ended up with a lot to think about! I ended up deciding that I actually liked the ideas, techniques and thoughts that were being introduced, a lot, for my personal life, philosophy and way of working. But, I realized I was uncomfortable with how these things were being used in the organization, and especially with how information was being disseminated.
   
3. It is NOT the case that I “supported the crap going on.” In fact, I voiced thoughts, concerns, criticisms and kudos as appropriate to my bosses, the Board, and my colleagues at work. What I did not do was post my feelings on organizational email lists, Web sites, blogs, or other such places.
   
4. WHY? READ THIS: I was a paid employee of the organization in question. It was my job to represent the policies and decisions of that organization, whether I agreed with them or not. I did my darnedest to work within the framework I was given to continue to help people and fulfill the mission of the organization. I am proud of what I accomplished by “self organizing” with volunteers to create a lot of interesting and helpful programs, focusing on the needs of the population we were supposed to be serving. I did just that until the last day I was allowed to help out. It would have been very inappropriate for me to publicly criticize the organizational structure and the people who paid me. I also would not have been allowed to do what I could from the inside as long as I was allowed to if I had acted that way. I was disliked enough for daring to “criticize” the Board in private.
   
5. I also stuck with the organization and remained quiet after being treated very shabbily on more than one occasion. Did you all know that I was forbidden to utter a series of 6 letters at one point? Or that I was banned from attending a meeting where the decision about a program I had been working on for years was made? And forbidden from providing information that might have helped those in charge make an informed decision? So, don’t think I was sitting around being a “yes person.” I tried to be reasonable, supportive and helpful, but did present alternative points of view and ideas. All the time my focus was on what would be best for the members of the organization and the people they helped. I guess it should have been on appeasing those who make decisions. I have learned my lesson, though. I am currently saying, “Yes ma’am,” like crazy in my new high paying corporate job.
   
6. And did you know I am a single parent who is the main wage earner in my family? Without me working, my children would lose food and housing, or I’d lose THEM to their dad. I appreciated having a job where I could work from home and be with my children when they needed me. The flexibility of my job (at least until 2005 when I had to spend WAY too much time traveling and missed a LOT of my kids’ activities) was something I appreciated—I didn’t want to have to go get some corporate gig just so I could make comments about organizational issues freely.
   
7. I still believe that the organization’s visionaries (i.e., those with money and power) can and will do what they think best, and they are entitled to do it. They got put in charge in various ways, and they ARE the people entrusted to make decisions. If you want to be a part of the organization, you need to trust them and go along with the new things, or retreat to your local level and focus on the mission (saying lalalalala to the larger organization). If folks don’t like how an organization they are a member of works, they need to either REALLY get moving to do something about it (too late, I think), or find something fulfilling and not frustrating to do. Start a new organization that you ARE comfortable with whose members have a say in how things are run. Find an existing organization and put your energy into it (I think some of my friends are going to do that—you go, gals!).

Anyway, anonymous person, I am not someone who went along with things until they affected me personally, and it hurts to think that is how some of you view me. If you knew me well, you’d know that, but I realize not everyone could know me well, since I had to put on my public face a lot. I hope this clears things up, because I would really like to get back to talking about my friends, family and knitting. I am thankful that all the organizational stuff is behind me and I am still intact, just minus some people I thought were lifelong friends—that is my only regret at this point.

Comments

sandy said...
Awww, to the Scrunchy picture.

Now to the meatier stuff...I've known Sue Ann for practically all the years she has worked for HFE. I would say she has had that axe swing towards her several times. Not only that, but practically every enhancement to HFE she implemented (at user and admin request) came with a whole lot of barbs being slung at her. I am AMAZED that she stuck with the work and hasn't been permanently debilitated by the stress of it. I can also understand why she chose to do what she described in the blog blog post. Even minimally decent paying IT management related jobs for women are still pretty rare. IT related jobs that let women have flexible hours and family time are even more rare. IT related jobs that also feed your passion? I would have made the same decisions she did to keep such a position. Which brings up the organization itself.

Despite having training for communications skills (for which I was a facilitator) there seems to be a lot of theory and not so much application of those skills by certain people in the organization. I personally have experienced favoritism, threats and just plain ignoring of those whose ideas don't "fit." And who doesn't "fit" can change, too. This organization recently pressured a long-time volunteer to retire for posting information that might be embarrassing to them on a blog! I knew and I'm sure Sue Ann knew what would have happened had she gone public with her thoughts as they evolved. She did the best she could with the information she had and built a kick-butt web presence for a cut-rate price in an increasingly tense environment. And in the end, it still ended up like this. I try to remember all the people she reached with her work and the community she built for all of us who worked with her and the good that came from that. A lot of those people who also built great projects, are also getting their work axed, without explanation.

Good luck in your new work world, Sue Ann. You deserve the best.
Monday, September 04, 2006 2:37:00 PM

Suna said...
Thanks, Sandy. I appreciate that, and hope it gives some perspective to those who have questions about my motives.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 12:56:00 PM

deb said...
Sue Ann, well said. Just because we earn a paycheck from a company does not mean we support everything that company does. If we want to keep our jobs we don't smear the company to the outside. We might take a stand on the inside and get shot down but we are still not free to discuss it if we want to keep our jobs. I think some people just can not see what it is like to work in the corporate world. You sometimes have to do a lot of things that you don't necissary choose to do. And if you can manage to do that without compromising your own moral standards that is all the better. Sometimes however you need to feed your family and house your family will overrule you ideal dream job.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 11:30:00 PM

Lozenge Shawl Is Here!

I finally finished the endless binding off phase of this shawl last night and immediately blocked it. Thank goodness the shawl expanded significantly in blocking, because it was sure disappointing looking before blocking. The way the increases were done along the sides made it not really flexible and I was worried it wouldn't expand well. But it did, and as you can see the border looks good, too.

The bind off makes little picots. you bind off one normally, then in the next stitch p1,k1,p1 and then put two of those stitches back on the left needle and bind off the two stil there, then put the next one back, and bind that off, then the next, then you p1 and bind off that, then go back to the p1,k1,p1 thing. Poorly explained, yes.

This is an odd shawl, anyway, which I made because a) I had the yarn already and I truly love Lorna's Laces Heaven yarn, and b) I am still cold at work--Icarius is pretty but not warm. It will make a nice thing to cuddle in when I get work chills! The shawl is supposed to have arched lozenges, but the lace pattern really doesn't do what I think the designer wanted it to. Oh well, it is vertical and the yarn stripes are horizontal, so it all balances nicely, even if there isn't a terribly pretty pattern in it.

If you would like to see more images, look on the Flikr link in the left margin. Click the pix and you can see all of them. That includes the cute picture of the dog that wouldn't load itself into my long post about my personal angst from a couple of days ago.

Speaking of personal angst--I did go to my former church again today. I said I would, because I do feel better. It still made me a bit anxious, but it was nice to see people--some were so welcoming! Just a couple of people who weren't nice to me in the past got into my space and bugged me. That is not too bad, really. This time the good outweighed the bad. Plus, the Oldest Boy really liked seeing his friends again. He went off to lunch with them and is still not back. He is such a big boy now. Man. Boy.

PS: The September issue of Magnits has at least three nice pairs of socks in it. I really like the first one, Lombard.

Comments

Des said...
The shawl is beautiful and your new hip hair is beautiful! I know first hand about those going back to church feelings. I hope you find warmth and wrap yourself in beauty. Desiree
Monday, September 04, 2006 10:16:00 AM

Thinking about Letting Go

CAVEAT

The following is personal opinion that is being posted to a private blog (not searchable on the Internet), which is only intended for people to whom the author has sent a link. Please do not redistribute without written permission from the author.

The thing I have been dwelling on of late is why I can’t let go of my anger at how I was treated by the people who set policy at My Former Employer (MFE). Trying to look at things from their perspective, trying to just put it past me, enjoying in the support of upset others, venting to get it past me—all those things have helped a bit. But I need to do whatever that thing is in therapy that brings you the “aha” insight and lets you come to peace with an issue. I can finally afford therapy again but now have no TIME to get there, so…

I’ve been thinking and reading and getting ideas from others. One idea came from the boss at the new job, who has lots of techniques for writing, instructional design and such, plus self help stuff. Sure, some things don’t work for me, but the one she did yesterday in our meeting was useful. I will present it here.

Cost/Benefit Technique

The idea behind this technique is that you have an issue that is bugging you, big or small, that won’t go away. Like, you are always tired, or you can’t get over the fact that your sister did blah blah blah. You write down two columns. One has what holding on to the issue is costing you. The other is the benefits it gets you—because the idea is that you would not hold on to something that’s a pain in the butt if it didn’t give you some benefit (often excusing behavior, allowing you to act in a way you know you really shouldn’t—enabling your shadow side, I guess). After you do that, you can decide whether the benefits do not outweigh the costs so you should let go of the issue, or if you are actually getting something you LIKE out of it, so you can keep it, but realize it is OK and not let it bug you so much. Either way, you can move past it.

I figured I should try to use it on my issues with MFE. Why do I still care about the organization in any way and why am I holding on to the hurt about how people I thought were good friends treated me? I may not have thought it through completely, so additional ideas are welcome.

Costs
* Health issues:
Eye twitch
Stomach pain
Chest pain
Lack of sleep

*Emotional issues
Deep sadness
Anger
Confusion
Loss of trust—from being lied to
Lack of self esteem
Resentment over spending so much time and effort on a program that was not appreciated

*Time wasted re-iterating problems or complaining
*Inability to focus on other priorities (house cleaning, bills, family)
*Negative attitude toward everything
*Inability to project positive attitude during job search
*Detachment—can’t connect with other people or institutions

Benefits

*I don’t have to work on relationship or other issues because I have this one to dwell on
*I get to be a martyr and appear self sacrificing
*It keeps me connected to old friends I am afraid of losing (as if there isn’t any other way to stay connected)
*I can avoid housework and just sit in bed and wallow
*I get to be dramatic and wallow
*I get pity and sympathy/attention, so I don’t feel so lonely
*I can engage in my natural melancholy “weeping willow tree” style personality—I always tend to focus on my challenges and not what is working right
*It makes me still feel a part of the group I was so strongly attached to for over 15 years
*It is a safe thing to rant and rail about because I can’t really DO anything about it and no one who actually did the damage will ever hear me, so they can’t poke me harder and make me feel worse

When I look at these things, I see that a lot of the benefits are all about me getting to play martyr or poor pitiful me, a role I gravitate toward, but one I am working hard to get away from. I am proud that I really am moving away from this and making a conscious effort to NOT keep whining. I want to get away from some of those negative aspects of my personality.

Still, something keeps me stuck. I can’t just say, “Ooh, those costs are icky, I will just stop that now.” Something keeps me from being able to “forgive and forget.” What could those things be?

Here are some possibilities:

Not understanding—I will write more about my attempts to understand why things ended up the way they did. I am doing well understanding the business aspects—every day doing better with that, thanks to all my reading and stuff. It is the personal ones that are eating at me.
Too high standards—I expect others to treat me the way I would want to treat them—with honesty and kindness. That is it in a nutshell. People, especially my former boss, the fellow I worked with last year, and the directors at the organization, treated me as friends and equals, then, suddenly didn’t.
There is missing information. I have received many hints that there is stuff I don’t know that no one will tell me, but that would make it all make sense. I think that really, really irks me. As a person who wants to know WHY things happen before accepting them, I think I am going to have to work and work to learn to accept the status of not knowing. Yeesh, good luck to me on THAT.

Well, OK, that previous section explains why I am stuck and what I have to get over to unstick myself. Looks like there are a lot of meditations, tarot readings and sever talking to myself sessions that need to happen. At least I know have a clue of where to focus.

If you read all this, my thanks. And ideas, opinions, insights and all that are welcome. You can also tell me I am full of crap. Right now, I can actually take it. Apologies for any typos--my family is bugging me to leave. And I could not get the cute picture of my dog to upload and brighten up this post.

Comments (and Plenty of Them)

sandy said...
I think it is A Good Thing that you are able to put this all down, look at it and muse on it. Even though I had distanced myself from YFE before you did, there is still so much I'd like to understand and so many helpful tips I'd like to send to the PTB, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm feeling like all I can do at this point is set a date to end it, then on that date get in the car and drive away -- which is what I did when I moved away from my childhood home and ended an unhealthy relationship a loooong time ago.Other than that, no helpful advice.Love, sandy
Friday, September 01, 2006 7:22:00 PM

Christine (woogies@yahoo.com) said...
I would say that my theraphist sounds like post tramic stress and it will take time to heal.U have to understand that u are caring person not a robot when u work. It will take time and u have many truly caring people who kick u in the ass as needed.If people are hanging u out by saying they know something that u do not know m/b need to look at those people twice. Why in the h___ would someone that cares about u say there are underling things but I cannot tell u. Hello why not just say Sue Ann freak right now and stay that way until I feel like telling u to not freak out anymore. It is going to be great how could it not with that head of hair that says I am mover and shaker watch me Roar.
Friday, September 01, 2006 7:30:00 PM

jody said...
There was one relationship several years ago that was extremely difficult for me to move past. I understood what had happened and why and that it had been unfair to me and all that but I couldn't move beyond the pain of it. Someone - that priest we talked about recently - gave me a technique to use that helped and I forgot the entire thing (sorry about that). The aspect that broke the cycle, though, I do remember, and that was for me to recognize that there were things that I still appreciated and gained and helped me become a stronger person that I learned from the ex-lover. There was part of me that was trying to reject or negate those positive things because of the painful way the relationship ended.That's the only input I have and I don't have any idea if it's in the least bit helpful. I just know that there are times when my thinking gets stuck on one aspect (typically the negative) and I can't see beyond it until there's a radical shift in perspective. That aha moment you were talking about.I just had one in my sleep last night. :) Hope you get one soon, too.
Friday, September 01, 2006 9:21:00 PM

deb said...
To me you sound like you are moving on and working though all the pain. Before you could not put it into words you just felt it and lived it. Now you have words to put with it and work though them. This all has made you a better person in some way and a much stronger one for the future. I yes it would be so nice if other people could treat us all in the way that we would like to treat others and be treated. I have been trying to surround myself only by people that act like this. In the last few years i have had to let some friendships get distant due to them bringing my down and not lifting me up. Not sure where I was going with this, But I am here to listen and support you in anyway I can. Got to get some sleep now as we are going to the lake to kayak in the morning. It is almost 3 am and the alarm goes off at 7am. Yikes
Saturday, September 02, 2006 2:43:00 AM

Suna said...
Thanks, wonderful friends, for all the comments. They have all helped, even the ones who didn't think they were helping. I am continuing to think on this. No dream insight though--I stole a Porsche with the last person I felt a strong personal connection to in the dream, that's fairly obvious to me! LOL.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 10:06:00 AM

DianeS said...
I got a couple of things. First off, the continued use of the word wallow. That's judgmental -- it implies that you don't deserve to feel the way you do and are being selfish about it. Not being inside your head, I can't say if that's right or wrong, but it's something to look at.But second, I also was treated badly in an organization whose mission was to help people who badly needed it. I think it must be worse to be mistreated by an organization that is supposed to be doing good in the world. I had to remember that even when this particular person was tearing the organization apart from the inside, we were still hanging in there, delivering services and doing good. My suggestion, for whatever it's worth, would be that whenever you think about how badly they treated you, that you remember that you still went on, as long as possible, helping people. And think about how many people over the years you've touched in a positive way. And no matter what else they do, they can't take from you the expertise you gained in this area while working there, so you can continue to help people.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 5:46:00 PM

Robin said...
Good for you for getting some of this down in writing. You know how I feel about writing as therapy!I believe that time will help, too. Your new job, especially the "atta girls", will help. Writing about it will help. Being patient with yourself will help.You will heal. And I'm sending love and support while you are in the process.
Monday, September 04, 2006 11:48:00 AM

The Organization of the Organization

Hey, new friends, this will make no sense to you! But you can read it anyway. Old friends, this one's for you. And long overdue. I finally feel up to it.

For a moody post, here's a moody photo of the younger son. I can't believe this little baby who went to so many parenting support group meetings with me is a teenager.

CAVEAT

The following is personal opinion that is being posted to a private blog (not searchable on the Internet), which is only intended for people to whom the author has sent a link. Please do not redistribute without written permission from the author.


My Thoughts about the Organization of the Organization

Since 2000 or so, the organization I was involved with or worked from 1991-2006 for has been on a path from a traditional hierarchical organizational structure to one that is flatter. A thing I am not at all un-fond of. Some of the larger donors, including the Biggest Donor, have a lot of business background and obviously do a lot of reading of those pop-culture level business books that push untested but intriguing new ideas. And though very intelligent, they are nonetheless very open to charismatic speakers who make alternative ways of doing things appear to be panaceas, because they WANT to make things wonderful for the organization. Some of those new ideas, by the way, really ARE good ideas, or could be, if handled right. And organizations/businesses truly DO need to change to make it today, since philanthropy is changing, communications channels are changing, technology is advancing rapidly, and the world is “flattening.” Change or die--that's the hard facts.

Hey, I read books, too. My current book is The World Is Flat, by Thomas L. Friedman. It explains a LOT about how things work differently, and if I were running an organization, I’d want to turn into one of those quickly adapting ones that changes as the world changes, and creates a niche for itself that no other organization can fill.

What’s the problem? The organization’s decision makers embraced change just for the sake of changing and did NOT change the organization’s focus, mission or audience. So, it was trying to incorporate a 70s kind of organization into a millennium structure. And it tried to pretend that it wanted to include all of its members in it, and promise them that it would not fundamentally change. But it HAD to fundamentally change and there is NO WAY that change could not alienate or isolate some of its members. So, that got folks upset.

To deal with the upset folks, the people in charge tried many tactics, all in a row, which confused the upset people more and more. Now, at last, they are doing what they should have all along, which is just say “too bad, we want things a certain way, and we are going to install the people who think like we do in the positions of responsibility, and anyone who doesn’t like it will just have to go find somewhere else to work or volunteer.” And if someone is a questioner or a symbol of the status quo, they have to go. The thing is, a lot of people would have felt less betrayed if they’d just SAID that before doing it.

It doesn’t take an Einstein to see that the independent person hired to be Executive Director was pushed out by the Board (who also pushed out any Board member who didn’t say “yes” to the two Directors who were in charge and collaborating with the Biggest Donor), because she didn’t “just follow orders,” and was replaced by the #1 adherent of the new philosophy. Then, they brought in the very earliest adapter of the new philosophy as her special helper. And they installed complete outsiders in other responsible positions, who, since they were being paid directly by the Biggest Donor, and not the organization itself, were loyal to the management team, not the organization. And thus, there is a pretty obvious explanation of why I suddenly was irrelevant. The Big Donor did not want anyone associated with the olden days, especially one with her own ideas and suggestions, mucking up their new vision. They used me for the information I did have, then discarded me so they wouldn’t have to hear me question their decisions. Heh, I sure wouldn’t be installing a new ordering system that charged as much shipping and handling per item as the item itself cost!! Oh well.

In the back of one’s mind, one wonders if the organization’s decision makers might not be trying to subtly “help” the organization fail. They are so against having a centralized structure in any way, they could be trying to ensure that the main office systems are doomed. So they can go back to groups of mothers at kitchen tables doing things on the local level. Period. And nothing wrong with that—it might work just fine—if they’d just let their members know that is the plan.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable any more is how hypocritical it is to portray the organization as one that puts “people before things,” and that truly cares about the people it serves, yet to treat people who work for the organization like obsolete office furniture. Not just me—so many members, workers and other volunteers have been pretty much told they don’t matter, in other words, or by deeds. Not exactly a way to build self esteem. There’s no need to make others look bad in order to build yourself up. You build yourself up by doing good work, ethically. And that’s why I, and a lot of others, regretfully are severing ties and finding more positive places to expend our effort and spend our money.

Like Dave (hey, he's still my friend, at least) said, when the Titanic was sinking, even the band eventually jumped off.

Comments

deb said...
Glad to see your comments Sue Ann. I am worried about the future with the organization. For now I will keep working my butt off for the local (TX) organization. That is until I find something else that can use my talents as well. Watching and waiting to see what happens next.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 2:30:00 AM

Suna said...
Thanks, Deb. I wanted to be sure to say that all of you who are continuing on have my respect. Believe me, if I hadn't been forced out, with my loyalty trait, I'd still be trying to work things out, too.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 10:07:00 AM

knittingwoman said...
As you know, i quit the Canadian part of the organization several years ago. It was very painful and I haven't found anything else that fills that spot but i had to leave. One of these days I will have to hear the whole story from you.Hugs to you.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 11:43:00 AM

deb said...
I hang on because I still have dreams of having another child. Granted I turn 41 in a couple of weeks and that door will soon be closing. The thought of another child without the organization is just too far out there for me at the moment. But I must say my job has gotten much harder with you not in your former position.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 7:41:00 PM

Anonymous said...
Nice to see your comments. For a number of years, I wondered why you supported the crap going on...until the axe fell a little closer to home...
Monday, September 04, 2006 3:03:00 AM

Suna said...
Dear Anonymous, I replied to this comment in the main part of the blog, so people might see it better. Thanks for bringing up that point. I need to clear it up.
Monday, September 04, 2006 12:07:00 PM

Nancy Jo said...
Anonymous = unknown and unaccountable.This comment was an unethical, mean-spirited and ill-informed attempt to sound important.You owe nothing to cowards and bullies, Suna. If you find out who it is, I will definitely beat them up for you.I am refraining from obscenities, but whoever this is can feel free to insert their most despised phrase here and be assured that's what I would have typed about them if I had wished to. Sounds a lot like someone whose posts I no longer read. I guess I can just speculate at will, since they are very unlikely to sign their names. But why waste the energy?Enraged,Nancy Jo
Sunday, September 24, 2006 9:32:00 AM

Hair, Glorious Hair

Yeah, I went a bit overboard at the hair place. This is why I should not go to the hair place in a good mood. I say, "Sure, do what you want to." Whee, I am now a copper penny. With blonde highlights. Happy hair for the happy girl.

Note that neither Gregory nor I thought the color would take quite so well. And note second that it will tone down. And third note that I made Dear Partner photograph me in the sun to make it look even scarier. New profile photo is more like how it really looks.

I am now going to post those long things from yesterday that I wrote. Don't read them if you don't want to read what I actually think (which can be wrong!). I hate it that the newest blog post is on top, making it hard to read blogs in order. But that is how it is. Note the following caveat, which will be repeated.

CAVEAT

The following is personal opinion that is being posted to a private blog (not searchable on the Internet), which is only intended for people to whom the author has sent a link. Please do not redistribute without written permission from the author.

translation: I am happy because I have friends and work.

Comments

Tina said...
OH MY GAWD, I LOVE THE HAIR!!Also, I found out today that iTunes will let me dye my hair pink! Hooray!
Friday, September 01, 2006 6:56:00 PM

sandy said...
I LOVE the bright and sunny hair for the bright and suny Suna. Hey, I am coming to Houston in the fall, can I make a side trip to Austin?
Friday, September 01, 2006 7:07:00 PM

Christine (woogies@yahoo.com) said...
I was at BBYS and they were talking that u were getting hair done. I thought a little color but now I remember the blue hair.This hair color fits u perfectly.Must be lots of fun.
Friday, September 01, 2006 7:14:00 PM

deb said...
Love the Hair Sue Ann. Its perfect on you.Deb(ex-hair person)xvxunsftcxir
Saturday, September 02, 2006 2:08:00 AM