I never do real well on September 11, since the Big Day, when I swear everything started to go downhill. I think I was coping with the gradual downward spiral of my life at that point (falling for the wrong man at the wrong time, discovering my spouse was in his own midlife crisis, blah blah), but that day was when I had my existentialist epiphany. I really AM alone. Ever since the men in my life deserted me on that day (the "soul mate" fellow was there, but sorta threw me at a hotel and left me alone, and the spouse really didn't act concerned that I was stuck in another city, away from my children and him). I realize they were all shell shocked. All I had that day was my dear friend NJ, who braved ALL her issues to get me from O'Hare airport, then spent hours numbly watching TV coverage with me in the stark hotel room, where the usual planes were not rumbling in the background. OK, so I was not ALONE--I will always have a few people, most of whom are so, so far...but full of kindness (thanks NJ, and all my friends who called or emailed to check on me at that time). But, I felt alone all that week, and it got worse.
I already didn't trust most people. September 11 cemented my lack of trust in my government. And in the goodness of other humans. I can't grasp how anyone could consider another human's life expendable. It's why I am a pacifist. But I can see that people who DO consider others expendable can easily be the ones whose belief systems predominate (it's curtains for me, the nonreligious, female, liberal pacifist!). Then I see even people in causes and organizations I believe(d) in acting like humans are expendable and like there is no real reason to be kind or tolerant (my experiences in the past 2-3 years with the work, spiritual home, and friend issues). I want to continue to try to do good, be an example of kindness, love, and trust. But, I often feel alone in that. I need to see more of it in others at times like this.
So, I will go look for it. And try to "make it so" as soon as this temporary dark phase passes. Today, when I was really irritated and not feeling charitably inclined toward people who can't read and follow instructions, I went to the window and looked at a crepe myrtle tree. There was a beautiful yellow warbler eating the berries in it. I remembered there is so much more to Gaia/earth/us than people and their dorky issues. There is beauty--and some of it is harsh. That's the way it is. The world is full of death and life. Star Wars was right--there needs to be a balance in the Force. I just have to stop seeing one side or the other and not forget about the whole.
So, I don't like this day because it reminds me of how easy it is to lose your connection to your center, your family, your friends and your world.
Of course, I will eventually recall how I like this day, because eventually I remember all the kind and interesting people I met on my long and hard trek home (the Jewish anti-terrorist specialist from Peru who got us through the incredibly long line at O'Hare, the friendly IT guys I had so much in common with in the waiting area, the lovely people I sat with, petrified, on the plane home (two days later than scheduled--so that I missed the ONLY real gig my band EVER had), and how I learned that strangers can be friends.
This is probably gibberish. But it helps to type it out.
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Tina said...
so, um...would you please give me the name and # of you stylist? I went Sunday for a haircut, and they screwed it up, so Monday I called and spoke to the store manager, and she set up an appointment for me with her. That was today, and my hair is STILL screwed up, so I think I need an appointment with a pro (I just went to TGF by BB). I would've emailed you, but I guess your old email is no more, and I only have your ALE email, and I didn't know if you'd get that at home.I'll be at CwS tomorrow so you all can see how tragic my haircut is.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006 7:06:00 PM
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