But, I drew the two pictured cards (from the Fenestra deck, illustrated by a young Thai tarot enthusiast). They really captured why I am feeling less defeated and down than the last time I had to start job searching (of course, believe me, I realize I may be in for another LONG road of job searching, which is not my favorite activity). Anyway, this morning I wrote this:
Here's the 9 of Pentacles again. She must be trying to tell me something, since she was also there on Friday. Looking at the definitions, I see she is about more than seeking refinement. She is about taking control of things, doing things for one's self and being self reliant. And the Judgment card also has a message that is helpful for me today, about getting a new start, awakening to possibilities, and enjoying renewed hope.
And I honestly am feeling less horrible about being jobless this time than the last, even though the last time was not my fault, and this one I was blamed. I know that it wasn't me. And the Judgment card tells me to forgive them as well as me. They never gave me a chance to see I was a nice and fun person to know, having pre-judged me on limited evidence. I had no chance to grow or feel secure there. I get to transform into the person I really want to be now. Not sure how, but at least now I can. I was so focused on keeping the job so I'd have benefits that I was letting myself suffer, and suffer a lot.
I think that is why I feel relieved more than anything else. I get another chance to find something better. This time I will stop focusing so much on getting anything with benefits and make sure it is also a good fit. Of course, that job I interviewed for so many times WAS a good fit, but it didn't come through...hoping that changes this time!
Of course I am scared, and being me, I slip into self-pity, self-blame and pessimism every so often (mostly when I think about how I have to go back and get my stuff on Tuesday, ironically when everyone else is going to be at the employee appreciation lunch). But I am doing this less, and mostly feeling pity for anyone put into that atmosphere there. I am actually excited about applying for new positions and seeing if maybe I can take over Lee's position or another one like it. And I have a little time to work on my knitting stuff--like a book on teaching knitting. I even dreamed last night of a new way to knit a flower. So, I feel full of creativity and potential, rather than squished and defeated.
Maybe THAT is the lesson all this job loss is supposed to have taught me. Please, let that be it!!
By the way, the Judgment card in the deck I usually use, Robin Wood, has a woman rising from flames like a Phoenix. That is also an image I enjoy and will use. Here, I stuck it in as another lovely image. Sorry she's nekkid, but her clothes boiled off.
Keep sending those words of support, friends, they help. I also got the nicest note on the Ravelry knitting site yesterday, which reminded me I am good at a lot of things:
I am one of your students; you were teaching me how to knit lace while you were knitting the red lace top from Vogue Knits–I just want to thank you again, you are a fantastic teacher. I wish I could just sit at Bluebonnet and have you teach me everything you know! I added you to my friends list so I could look at all the beautiful stuff you make!Isn't that sweet? I will choose to believe it when people write and say nice things about me, and when they say not-so-nice things about me, I will filter it carefully and find the true parts, and work on that (like I will from now on NOT be accepting a job where I have to portray myself as an expert on something I am not). I won't add negative interpretations to make myself feel worse.
While you are at it, also send some good job vibes to my friend, Tina, from the comments in my last entry.