Morning Blues

This is the picture I was going to put in yesterday, but could not upload all day. It's the little cabin we stayed in at the park over the weekend. The beds are back by the louvered windows, which are nice, because you can open the windows and get air but people can't see in. A lot of the cabins are right next to the lake, but ours was next to the road--so it was close to the restroom.

I can tell it is getting near October 31. I get into the dwelling on things aspect of this time of year early sometimes, and that has hit. I am busily re-evaluating my life and finding that I come up short. One thing for sure is I am glad I have the kids--as much as I need love in my life, they at least fill that need. Probably the thing I like least about myself is how much I crave romantic love in my life--my true ambition has always been to find a life partner to love and receive love from and spend a lifetime with. And the sad conclusion I have reached is that it will never happen. I will continue to accept whatever arrangement I currently have, and watch any potential "real" partnerships whither away due to circumstances and other commitments. Must be my karma to have really, really rotten timing when it comes to meeting people I could truly form a bond with. I was handling that well the last couple of years, but every once in a while it eats at me, and this is one of those times. I found myself thinking, "Well, I can just focus on the kids and wait to die so I can try again next time." Cheery.

For those of you who panic any time I express anything negative and feel the need to report it to others, no I don't need antidepressants, and no I am not suicidal and no, I am not incapable of teaching a knitting class when I am feeling critical of myself. I am just feeling introspective and am a Pisces. We're melancholy.

Between this and feeling pissed off at myself for being impatient with coworkers and not being able to shut the f*** up about it, I remain unhappy with me. At times like this I can see why so many friends disappear.

In good news, the visit of the DP's brother is going fine. I guess because I have hardly seen him. I am glad they are having fun, though. And I still love my new boots, and the older boy still loves his contacts. The younger boy gave me a lovely Warhammer ork figurine for my office, and the coworkers seem to have liked it. He sure can paint tiny details, and is really good making weapons look real. Hmm, is that a skill to be proud of?

Little tidbit: I heard a beautiful song over the weekend. It is from a Tracy Grammer CD (hey, only time I am allowed to spell "grammar" wrong) called Flower of Avalon, with songs written by her late husband, Dave Carter. The somg is called "Mother, I Climbed." Holy cow it was a mesmerizing song. Here's the last part,which totally fits my frame of mind:

Lay me down in the dark womb of your love mother,
The years pass outta countin
But no prophet comes to comfort me
Lay me down in the dark womb of your love mother,
I climbed the holy mountain
I found nothing to believe

translation: Yeah, yeah yeah. So, apparently I did a lot of thinking that weekend and realized that sitting there being unuappy in a platonic/adversarial relationship with the other adult person living at my house and focusing on the kids was, perhaps, not my ideal life after all. But, still I was of the opinion that the only person I felt a kinship with was ineligible. I saw Lee as someone who was fine in his current life--and he had given me no indications otherwise. Not a word of complaint. Note the lack of statement that maybe I'd like to pursue or go after Lee. That was not part of my intentions. At all.

Comments

Vicki said...
I'm glad you are keeping up with this blog, Suna. I always enjoy reading about what's going on, including the down times. It's great that you write so honestly about your life. I think most people have the kinds of feelings you described today, but we don't often talk about them.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:58:00 PM

Anonymous said...
I'm glad you are not suicidal or in need of anti-depressants, but if you DO decide to forey into the world of the medicated, I highly recommend Welbutrin.Keep on blogging,Love,Des
Wednesday, October 18, 2006 10:18:00 PM

Barbara said...
Do you know how many times I've thought to myself: "in my next life". The sad thing is they aren't big things, like be a rock star or live in France; they are little things like 'be really, truely happy'. Oh well, in the meantime, I try to find the happy in the small things. (guess I'm in a blue mood too)
Saturday, October 21, 2006 3:27:00 PM