What a dip--I wrote at least two lengthy blog posts earlier and left them on my other computer. Darn. Well, something to look forward to tomorrow. For now, isn't the dog CUTE?? Don't worry, the dishes get washed in hot water.
One thing I didn't write about in the lengthy other stuff is how I think I am finally coming out of a period where I felt really distant and blank. Little glimmers of feelings are coming back.
One good thing about feeling blank is that you can't feel the depth of despair. But you also can't feel happiness, joy, love and all those fun emotions. I felt caring--for the kids, my friends, and such, but I don't think I was full of love. That hasn't happened for a LONG time. I worked so hard in therapy at building a strong wall around my heart chakra. Well, I sure managed that. It is the only way I coped with how I was being treated at work, the job search process, the Dear Partner's emotional outbursts, losing the church friends...but it did take a toll. How much nice stuff did I miss out on? Why can't there be a balanced approach? Just enough feeling and not too much?
Of course, once I start to feel, I worry that I will start feeling things at people. I still need to have huge, immense boundaries about that. I am not too worried--I have set myself up as an attached person raising a family, with stringy gray hair and no chin, and as far as I can tell that means men don't even see me any more. Well, tomorrow at least the hair will be fixed!!!
translation: This begins the phase where I try really, really hard to set boundaries and not let myself become emotionally attached to Lee. But, the glimmers I talk about mean that I was enjoying myself a bit. No touching has occurred. Just good natured humor. And we got coffee occasionally.
Comments
sandy said...
Hey, can you send Scrunchy to my house? I have some dished that could use a good licking before they get sent through the sanitize cycle.It's good to read that you are starting to feel again. With good or bad results, it is better to be in touch with your emotions than to distance yourself from them.I'll look forward to reading the other posts tomorrow.
Thursday, August 31, 2006 8:47:00 PM
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