Emerging!

[this was written this afternoon, but blogger was down and I couldn't post. since then I have had another whallop to the self esteem and can't sleep, but I know I will handle it in the morning.]

It is quite interesting to know one's self well enough to recognize one's stages of dealing with bad crap in life. I know I get very upset, then angry with a ton of irritated energy, then start trying to find the good in the situation, then suddenly a CLICK occurs and I am ready to move forward. I did my best last night, after reading some particularly hard-to-take email, to make that click happen. And that's good, because I was practically catatonic with worry about my friends, concern for others, and frustration.

The Dear Partner fed me a cocktail (mmm, delicious, though you might not imagine that Southern Comfort plus diet cherry limeade would be good), and that finally relaxed me enough to dig down and do some internal reorganizing. Made the shift to resignation and acceptance--since all along I knew there wasn't much I could do about the work stuff anyway.

I won't lie and say I feel no stress or concern today, but I am a lot better. I still felt badly for all the upset friends who were confused or angry, and wanted to help THEM transition, so I wrote an email with some ideas, encouraging them to do what works best for them--heck, if I had a chance to work with all the fun new stuff they are going to have at the former job, I'd try to find a way to do it that didn't compromise my morals, too! I hold nothing against any friends or former coworkers who want to participate.

So now, I can worry about what I NEED to worry about. Like I was just telling Jennifer in IM, my favorite communication method, my #1 nightmare since my husband left me was that I would suddenly end up unable to support myself and lose my kids. I know HE can afford to take care of them, but they are ALL I have. I realize that is why I feel such panic--my dear boys.

But, panicking doesn't get us anywhere! So, I am thinking them there positive thoughts for jobs #1 and #2, and looking forward to an interview for job #3, which came up this morning. At least I have possibilities! That is GREAT.

Now, I want to respond to the comment from yesterday's post, from Vicki. I chuckled a bit, because so much of what she wrote described my Dear Partner's mode of living. As a musician, he has always lived from paycheck to paycheck, and has rarely had "real" jobs--he has saved like crazy when he did, so he could live during lean times. And let me tell you, his frugality has been the key to how we have managed to stay in this big house the past three years. He has saved a lot on food, utilities and lots of other things--he's an amazing sale shopper--really earned his keep. But, he doesn't know how to make his own laundry soap, so send the recipe, Vicki!! It's been nice having him here, as with all the working I've been doing, I never have time to scour the sales for needed items--so we make a good team!

And remember, his podcasts are very, very good: http://www.austinconnection.com/. Plug Plug.