Parental Anniversary Musings

Seventeen years ago today, this young fellow was two hours old. He's been a great companion all these years, and brought me immeasurable joy. I feel pretty bad that we can't do anything more for his birthday, but I bought Rock Band right after New Year's and he knew that counted as his birthday gift. Plus, I let him drive my car to school today, woo.

I'd hoped to take him and his two friends out to dinner, but neither can come. The girl's dad won't let her go to dinner. I can't quite fathom that. Now the hope is that Lee will feel well enough to go out to a nice dinner tonight. I think Lee is doing well enough to make it, especially since he isn't going to try to drag himself into ALE today. Doing that yesterday really knocked him out.

A big birthday complication is that his dad is bringing him a car, which he will be paying his dad back for in the fatherly quest to teach responsibility. Guess whose responsibility it is to arrange for the insurance for someone else's car that she doesn't even know the year on? Me. The unemployed person. Having the third car will be handy, though I don't look forward to all the parking ballet in our two-car driveway.

Other Things

I had a really weird couple of days battling my personal issues. For some reason I woke up one night feeling really lonely, like I had no one to talk to. A number of things led to it: good friends here in town announced they did NOT want anyone interacting with them while they dealt with a family problem. I had already not been speaking to the wife, who is someone I used to think of as a close friend, because that was the request. I feel so sad--apparently people in the women's group I used to belong to get to be supportive, but the rest of us are outsiders and not welcome. I'd thought this couple were my close friends, but I think it was mostly on my end. (Same with another supposed close friend who didn't invite me to his wedding--I think I don't have a good ability to tell when friends go from close to acquaintance.) So, I am spending a LOT of time telling myself that I am being a good friend by not saying anything, as they requested. And of course I want to honor the request and just send good vibes. I wouldn't have given advice, anyway--I am always so worried about saying something inappropriate that I try to let people lead the way on things like that, and just try to listen.

And speaking of inappropriate, I accidentally typed "aloud" my sad thoughts about an event one of my email lists is planning--they are all gleefully planning travel, arranging complicated seminars and events, which all sounds so great. I have been so sad that I can't make any plans due to my situation--when they started I had no vacation/sick days, and now I have no nothing. I am sure I am mostly jealous that others can plan fun events with friends and that is not in my range of possibilities (and my family can't visit me--pretty lonely). But, I didn't phrase my concern well at all and that lead to people wanting to analyze me and have me explain myself and...stuff I am not good at. Ugh. That sort of thing brings up all my huge issues with desertion, and the idea I have in my head that all the people who suddenly disappear from my life do so because I accidentally phrase things in an inappropriate way and it pisses them off, but I get no chance to explain what I meant.

I must say, even I grow tired of my neuroses.

I think a root issue is that I just wish I had someone to vent to so I could get it out of my system, and I am temporarily out of "venting" friends. My previous venting target I rarely hear from since I lost the job in Illinois and she got all involved in her new job and partner. I miss her so much--she didn't judge me at all. And that's what had me all sad: I felt like my local and distant friends have all been drifting away.

Note to readers: I realize this is all in my head, and it mostly doesn't come up unless I am depressed or down for other reasons. I realize this will pass. No, I am not suicidal or clinically depressed. I am just worn out from the money and illness stuff. Read the next part.

On the Other Hand

I am proud of myself that, when I woke up all upset about this stuff, I was able to remind myself that there ARE people to talk to. Lee is here when not sick. Jody is here when not consumed with her own stuff. (So they are temporarily unavailable.) And there are still some wonderful friends both here and elsewhere who have not gone anywhere and are still sending me sweet emails and posting helpful comments here. How could I forget them? I didn't! I remembered them, and have decided to concentrate on those folks. And I'll try to be more in contact with the good friends I just don't hear from as much as I'd like--at least I got one knitting friend to show up at the LYS last week.

So, I am less nutso than I think I am.

Nice Stuff

(This is what happens when I take a couple of days off, I have too much to say, and I veer from sad to happy--what can I say, I'm a Pisces and that means "emotion" in a big way.)

Sunday I got a chance to get away and hang out with Jody as she went on quests to buy spinning equipment. Mostly I just wanted to get out of the house--sitting by the phone gets tiring. I enjoyed looking at the countryside, meeting new people and looking at longhorns and horses. I was glad to be there to be supportive of her during a weird time, and that we could talk about our somewhat wishful future plans, family stuff, and yarn stuff. So, see, I have a friend! And I had some fun!

I am also having fun learning stuff in the community choir. I love choral arrangements of spirituals, and we are doing some of those. I think it's really smart for me to have done this. Cheers me up.

So all is well. All that angst is PAST angst, posted mainly to show what a weird thought process I sometimes have, but that I can get past it! OK?

HAPPY MLK DAY AND TUBA BOY'S BIRTHDAY!!