Sinking into a Pit

Hi, I guess. I had written a long, thoughtful post on the Blogger interface and the darned computer crashed and lost the whole thing. I was heartbroken--it was decent writing and not "my diary" reporting of my life. So, I am trying to remember to write in some other interface and paste it in.

I wish my networking were going better. I know that sending out resumes and perky cover letters is not the best way to get a job these days. Of course, in the back of my mind I wish I could just be treated respectfully and be allowed to do my current job as best I can, at an income level I can live on, but that doesn't seem to be the plan. Another colleague's job was eliminated in the latest budget cuts, and they announced it yesterday. Makes me sick to my stomach. The Titanic has just lurched again, and I can't find the lifeboats.

Well, I had planned to talk about something more interesting--why I am having such trouble in correspondence with an old, close friend, catching up on what has happened to me in the last 15 years or so. Why am I embarrassed at how I have ended up unable to really support the family, with a partner who can't help, and in a job that's imploding? I think I just feel bad that someone who appeared to be intelligent and to have good prospects has done such a dismal job of making ends meet. I couldn't manage to pick a decent partner who'd stay with me and support me and the children, , I couldn't find a job that provided training so I could stay current, and supported my projects, and...oh, I don't know. I am whining, and I had promised not to whine in the blog. I guess I just don't feel good about myself, and right now, who could blame me? Of course it's the exact WRONG time to be feeling bad about myself--I need to market my good points and convince people I can do a good job in a high-paying position. Yum.

It doesn't help that my partner is more depressed than usual, too, and with his lack of income and zillion reasons why not to do it, he can't/won't seek help.

I am, however, really happy my old friend from my former life showed up again. I'd hated losing him when he ran off to hide in a submarine.