Wedding Bell Blues

This picture is of the masterful stack of objects my coworker made today while the network was down. To protect all of us, I cropped out the lovely photo of him and his fiancee from the image.

What I Wrote during the Network Outage:

My dear friend Austin got married yesterday. I didn’t get invited to the wedding, which appeared to be for family only. It is nice they did it that way, but also fits into my history of not getting invited to people’s weddings. I just very rarely am, and have never been anyone’s close enough friend or relative to be in the wedding party, other than my own two fiascos of weddings.

The reception was a typical Austin/Connie bash, with not much food or drink, but a lot of people and a lot of music (though, while I was there, no one was paying much attention to the music). Most of the really good folks were avoiding playing, other than the intrepid Chris Gage and his accordion. I, um, like his guitar and piano playing. I did get to see a lot of folks, since many people who used to be in Ye Olde Spiritual Community showed up, plus current people, plus a whole bunch of our music friends. And Austin has LOTS of those. DP really enjoyed seeing so many of his friends there, too.

Much good happened. I sure got to hug a lot of people, thanks to wearing my hot little turquoise velour jacket, swirly skirt and fancy boots. Mostly people wanted to touch the jacket. That was OK with me, I am needing a lot of hugs these days and put up my anti-vibe guard enough that all the non-intimates hugging me didn’t bug me too much (what IS it with me and not liking physical contact unless I am fairly mentally close to someone? Oooh, she’s so SENSITIVE).

Thankfully the friend who I needed reassuring hugs from the most came through with gusto, and it helped a lot. We both need to reassure each other we still like each other, I think, and have not had a chance to really talk since the odd chain of events happened that have made it difficult—mostly we are with our partners or others and acting cheerful.

Austin was a hugging maniac—as well he should have been! He seemed really happy, and I am so glad for him—he and Connie seem to be a good match, quite accepting of each other’s unique qualities, as it were. What would it be like to be with a partner that is truly compatible? I think I’ve almost forgotten, it’s been so long. And I think that’s what gave me wedding bell blues. I know I’ve given up on that, and lately that has been harder to accept than it was before I started this job.

Oh well, I drank a LOT of champagne, and that blotted stuff out. I also had to blot out my sadness that my “ring of power” broke in half. I knew it would—they all have a weak spot. But I’d been wearing that ring every day for a LOT of years. So, it’s pieces are in my pocket, and I hope to get them made into earrings, which was Work Man’s suggestion. I will order another ring to remind me of my wonderful online circle of women.

I think I am missing those people a lot, too. I don’t get to chat much, and am too busy to email a lot, so I am not participating online as much as I would like to. I miss my good boss Hedy, and Stephanie. And the ones who dumped me, even though I know I won’t get them back. Yeah, yeah, boo hoo. Heh, today Work Man said I was full of Happy Magick (I do see that I make him happy, and vice versa—I am happier than I have been in ages). But I don’t feel that way deep inside, still. I truly am happy, glad for my new job, my new friends, and the connection that I have and all that Happy Magick. I guess I am too human and want it all. But I am too old and have some heavy karma going against me, I guess. I had a psychic twin relationship once and messed it up, starting 30 years ago last August. That’s all you get, I guess.

Tomorrow: Something more cheery, or at least focused on the here and now.

translation: the friend I needed hugs from was Scott. He is a friend. I have male friends. The connection I have with Lee is important to me. At this time, I realized it was deep and probably not going away. I did not know what to do with it. But it made me happy. I also realized how I had messed up my relationship with my high school boyfriend, who reminds me of Lee a lot (I found a picture of him...eww...they look alike, too). Another reason I hesitated to have any romantic relationship--tired of screwing up, repeating a pattern, hurting people.

Comments

Barbara said...
It's human to want it all -- I do too. But it's reality to realize that we just can't have it all- or at least not most of us. Sorry about the ring. :( That seems to happen fairly often. I'm thankful that mine is a version that is a whole band and not as susceptible to breaking.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 10:47:00 PM

Suna said...
Yeah, Barbara, you're right. Because you grow up, life gets complicated, and you have commitments and obligations. And actually, I think I am OK with that part.But when I said: "I had a psychic twin relationship once and messed it up, starting 30 years ago last August. That’s all you get, I guess." I was wrong. I'd like to retract that. Maybe every 30 years you get to try again? Maybe I've gathered some wisdom that will help me cope more successfully this time. I'd hate to have to wait again until I am 78.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 3:38:00 PM

Anonymous said...
Go watch the movie "The Secret". And then rethink what you can and can't have in life.I believe you can, and I don't even think you have to wait 30 years. I think if you really want it, you could make it happen right now.Did you order a new ring? I just got my thumb ring from Wellstone.:-)I like it!
Friday, November 24, 2006 11:02:00 PM